X-Rays and 6 Year Olds Don't Mix

A little House/Cuddy kidfic :)

Lisa House, formally Lisa Cuddy was sitting in her office, doing her daily, monotonous activity of attempting to make some sort of dent in her in-tray, rigorously pushing herself to finish that pile before the end of shift so that she could actually enjoy a night in with her husband and children.

Leaning back in her chair, she sighed loudly and rubbed her temples. Paperwork was not great for her headache, which had been brewing for days, finally surfacing when she really could do without it. Although, when could she actually do with one?

Her mind changing the subject for her, she took note of the fact that her stomach was rumbling loudly, echoing throughout the silent room. It made her remember even more that she was starving hungry, and had not eaten a thing since breakfast with Greg and the children this morning. And even then, she'd only managed to grab a piece of toast and a cup of coffee.

Ignoring her stomach's desperate plea for nourishment, she carried on working on the pile of papers, eager to finish quickly, wanting a work-free night, a rarity in her bustling career.

Well, she thought to herself. There's never a dull moment at least.

After half an hour of solid working, she took another break, exhaling deeply and reaching for the Tylenol in her desk drawer. She swallowed them with cold coffee, grimacing at the horrid taste of lukewarm caffeine. Sighing once more, she picked up another file and began to work through it.

Her thoughts were interrupted by House standing in the doorway with a bag and a cup of coffee in his hand.

'If you're here to annoy me, don't,' she stated. 'If it's a procedure, you have 30 seconds to pitch it to me, and any other reason, don't. I'm trying to finish the outstanding paperwork I have so that we can go to the movies with Rachel and Isaac, like we promised.'

'Awww Cuddles,' said House. 'Bad day?'

'I've hardly eaten, I have the headache of the century, the paperwork's not done, and I just had to take Tylenol with cold coffee. Does that sound like a good day?' she asked frustratedly.

'It sounds like a crap day,' stated House, sitting down beside her and handing her the coffee and the bag.

'Hot coffee and a vegetarian sub with salad?' she said, looking into the bag. 'I knew there was a reason I married you!'

'Apart from my devilish good looks and my striking intelligent personality?' he asked.

'Oh, and that,' she replied, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. 'I love you, thank you for bringing me food, but go back to work and let me work, then I'll reward you later?'

'Okay,' said House eagerly, bolting out of the door as fast as his bum leg would carry him.

'That was too easy,' muttered Lisa to herself, sitting down and ravenously eating her sub and drinking her hot coffee, relishing the satisfaction it gave her starved appetite.

'Gratification over,' she said. 'Time to work, again.'

Tucking in her chair, she began to work again, speeding up slightly to make up for lost time. Half an hour in, the phone rang, and although she tried very hard to ignore it and carry on with her work, the phone still rang constantly.

Groaning, she picked up the phone and said, 'Dr Lisa House.'

'Dr House, I'm sorry to disturb you at work,' said Freya Martin apologetically. 'It's about Isaac.'

'Oh God, what has he done now?' she asked, knowing what Isaac was like.

'He started a fight with one of the other boys. We'd like you to take him home for the rest of the day, just so that he can cool off,' said Ms Martin quickly.

'Is there any way around this?' she asked. 'It's just that there's no one to look after him until school's finished.'

'The principal's adamant,' she said.

Rolling her eyes, Cuddy said, 'Okay, I'll get my husband to come and get him.'

'Thank you,' replied Ms Martin, putting the phone down.

Picking up the phone again, Cuddy dialled the number of House's office.

'Dr House's office,' said Chase in a bored tone.

'Chase, it's Cuddy, tell House to come and pick up the phone,' she said quickly.

'He's annoying Wilson,' said Chase after a moment. 'He got bored because there's no case. Try calling there. Bye.'

Hanging up the phone, Cuddy sighed loudly and dialled Wilson's office.

'Dr Wilson,' he replied, annoyed.

'James, put my husband on the phone please,' demanded Cuddy.

'Isaac been in another fight?' asked Wilson, knowing that annoyed tone all too well.

'Oh yes,' she replied.

'House, your wife is pissed, tread carefully,' stated Wilson, handing the phone to House.

'Cuddles, I left you less than an hour ago happily gorging on a sub, what could've gone wrong?' asked House.

'Isaac got into a fight, principal's sending him home for the day, I'm too busy, you haven't got a case and you're not in the clinic, so go and get him, now!' she said.

'Silly spawn, he should know by now how not to get caught,' said House.

'House!' exclaimed Wilson and Cuddy in unison.

'Okay, okay!' he exclaimed. 'I'll go and get him.'

In the car on the way back to the hospital...

'You know your mom's angry, right?' asked House to a red faced Isaac in the back seat.

'Yup,' he answered.

'Why hit the kid?' asked House.

'He called you old,' replied Isaac quietly.

'He called me old?' repeated House in confusion.

'Yeah,' replied Isaac in almost a whisper.

'Don't listen to people like them Isaac,' said House. 'So what if I am old? It's not the worst thing...'

'No one talks about my dad like that,' growled Isaac aggressively, clenching his fists.

'Easy son,' said House soothingly. 'Don't let them get you angry...'

'The principal said that she's close to kicking me out of school,' he said solemnly. 'I don't want to be kicked out dad.'

'I know you don't son,' replied House. 'You just gotta get your anger under control.'

'I know,' he said quietly. 'Can I hang out with you instead of mom?'

'Because your mom will shout at you?' asked House, receiving a nod in reply from Isaac. 'Okay kid, you can hang out with me and the team. You might even get to sit in on a differential diagnosis if we have a case.'

'Yeah!' replied Isaac excitedly.

'But remember, you're being punished by your Mom and I, so if she asks, you're helping Thirteen sort out my mail,' said House.

'You got it,' replied Isaac.

'And when doing a diagnosis, what is it never?' asked House.

'Lupus!' stated Isaac.

'Kid, you're smarter than my fellows,' replied House. 'I have trained you to be completely idiot proof. And we're here now, so go hide in my office, get Wilson to get you a soda and I'll talk to your mother.'

'Okay,' said Isaac, getting out of the car and following House into his office, sitting down in the comfortable chair and getting into a conversation with Foreman about basketball.

'I'll be right back,' said House. 'Don't play cards with him, especially for a bet...'

'Why?' asked Taub.

'He cheats you idiot!' exclaimed House. 'Trust me, he'll take all your money. Be back in a moment.'

He quickly left the office and took the lift down to Cuddy's.

'Hello Cuddles,' he said, making a double door entrance. 'I have picked up House Spawn Numero Dos, and he is in my office awaiting punishment. Taub is going to bore him with stories about his wife, Thirteen is making him help her sort through mail, Foreman is mocking him and Chase is not here, probably gone to find his new girlfriend, Brittney? Blonde girl? I think it was Brittney. And Wilson, God knows, I'm guessing in his office on the phone to Katheryn, that girl he's been seeing.'

'Sounds like reasonable punishment,' said Cuddy after a moment's thought. 'But make sure he gets no treats like soda or candy, no sitting in on differentials, no disrespecting the team and no taking him to the clinic. Okay?'

'Fine,' he replied. 'I'll go back and make sure he hasn't run rings around the team yet.'

'You do that,' she replied. 'Come and get me if there's any trouble.'

'Will do,' he said as he left the room.

Further down the corridor, he stopped at the vending machine, picked up a soda and carried on to the lift up to his office.

Wandering in through the door, he threw Isaac the soda and said, 'You're in the clear kid.'

'What did mom say?' he asked.

'She said, and I quote, 'make sure he gets no treats like soda or candy, no sitting in on differentials, no disrespecting the team and no taking him to the clinic,' he said.

'I gather you're not going to listen to your wife?' asked Taub.

'Nope, and as long as I'm not you, that's not dangerous,' retorted House. 'Wanna see what I taught Isaac?'

'Go ahead, humour us with your party tricks,' said Foreman, rolling his eyes.

'Isaac, when doing a differential diagnosis, what is it never?' asked House.

'Lupus,' he stated. 'But the team always say it could be. It's never lupus.'

'Good,' replied House. 'What is the number one rule when treating patients?'

'Everybody lies,' stated Isaac.

'That is true,' answered House. 'And finally, give me a bit of information about each member of the team.'

'Thirteen likes guys and girls and has Parkinson's, had a thing with Foreman the homey here, who has a serious chip on his shoulder. Chase is from England, he has great hair and is a kangaroo, even though there aren't kangaroos in England. Oh well, he's British because he puts the Queen on his money. He was married to Cameron, who loved dad but mom put her straight. And Taub puts his bread in a lot of toasters, it pops up and he calls it toast, but it's still bread. I don't know what that means, but dad said something about plastic surgery and Taub's wife,' he said proudly.

'Wow,' said Thirteen. 'He is good.'

Swinging his head around the door, Chase said, 'We've got a case. 35 year old male.'

'Goody,' replied House. 'Chase, I hand you the markers. Write up the symptoms and we can do a differential.'

'Okay,' said Chase, catching the markers from House and beginning to write:

Hematuria (Blood in urine)

Hydronephrosis: Distension of renal pelvis

Nausea

Vomiting

Lower back pain

Groin pain

Raised Heartrate

Fever

'Why did you write up what Hematuria and Hydronephrosis meant?' asked House.

'Thought that Isaac wouldn't know what they are,' said Chase.

'He's smarter than you Chase, why would he not know?' asked House. 'Anyway? Differential?'

'Could be kidney stones,' said Taub.

'I think that the ER would have checked for those Chase, kind obvious!' exclaimed Isaac. 'What about Acute Pyelonephritis?'

'It could work,' said House.

'Come on!' said Taub. 'He can't even spell it!'

'But I can say it, and I know what it means,' said Isaac. 'Sudden renal inflammation caused by bacteria.'

'I like it,' said House. 'X-ray anyway to check for kidney stones, and urine culture for Acute Pyelonephritis.'

'Got it,' said the team monotonously.

'I'll come!' exclaimed Isaac. 'Dad showed me how to work the x-ray last time...'

Later...

'Look Dad, I can work the x-ray!' exclaimed Isaac.

'Yeah, great kid,' said House. 'But don't keep doing that or it will...'

The sounds of alarms showing the x-ray to be malfunctioning filled the room.

'Isaac,' said House. 'We're gonna have to tell your Mom.'

'Well, you know what they say,' said Thirteen. '6 year olds and x-rays do not mix.'

'Wise words,' replied Taub.