TITLE: Equilibrium
AUTHOR: Spazatron
RATING: PG-13 for some naughty language.
FEEDBACK: Be kind. This is my first attempt at fan fic.
SPOILERS: Takes place during Entropy.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything.
SUMMARY: Halfrek relates the tale of how she became a vengeance demon...and the part that William the Bloody played.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've been fascinated with finding out how Cecily became Halfrek since Older and Far Away. This is my take on it.
"I'm not sure I buy it." Anya picked up the feather duster. "You? Spike?"
"His reluctant muse. It didn't seem like he remembered me, though. I've certainly changed since then."
"Well, from what you've told me, so has he." Her voice trailed off as she moved behind a bookshelf. "And you're sure 'effulgent' is a word?"
"You can't really blame me for the way I acted. The whispers in the hallways when I passed. The laughter when they read his poetry. They were laughing at me. So I made sure he knew where he stood."
"That was the last time that you saw him, then? Until the party?"
Halfrek paused pensively. "There was one other time. Years after I became a demon. I never told you about this?"
"No. I'm sure I would remember."
"Then I should probably backtrack a little.
"I got the magic from my mother. She'd been a witch her whole life. Of course Daddy tried to cover that up. He couldn't hide it from me forever, though. In a house with over a hundred gossiping servants, one's bound to hear something. She'd died by the time I found out. So had Daddy, which naturally made it that much easier to find what I needed to begin experimenting with the dark arts. I had plenty of confidence, too much if you asked any of the servants, and persistence. It wasn't long before I had reached transmutations.
"When he summoned me, I thought he'd made a mistake. D'Hoffryn, I mean. I was sure I wasn't demon material. I was Cecily, a rich and well- mannered - strictly in the literal sense - heiress. Cecily, who happened to have an unusual hobby. I had spent the past few months doing petty curses for scorned nobles. Little things. I made it so one man couldn't brush his hair. Any comb he tried to use broke with the first use. Then there was the woman who had left her husband of twenty-eight years for a penniless playwright. I gave her carbuncles. But nothing spectacular. I was just a foolish girl meddling in things I didn't understand.
"Next thing I knew I was in Arashmaha and D'Hoffryn was offering me a full time position." She fingered the amulet hanging around her neck. "I felt the power as soon as I held it in my hand. I'd had to work so hard for those spells. I'd had to do it all on my own. A vengeance demon has it easier. All it takes is 'I wish' and we have the power. How could I give up an opportunity like that? How could anyone?
"'You have a talent for causing pain,' he told me. He was talking about my spells; most were of a sadistic nature. But all I could think of was William. I had looked down at him, had told him that he was beneath me, had meant it. For the first time in my life, I genuinely pitied someone. I imagined him lying in a gutter, drained of his blood like the countless other victims. Not one of us had heard from him after the party. D'Hoffryn told me my regret was a weakness, that in our line of business sympathy is a dangerous thing. I understood and I tried to forget.
"Do you remember your first act of vengeance?"
"Don't be silly, Hallie. Every vengeance demon remembers her first wish. Mine was for a prostitute, wretched woman. One of her clients had beaten her and taken her nightly earnings, so she wished that he would never find pleasure with another woman, but I thought she said-"
"She was a lonely doctor's wife. Her husband was sleeping with the innkeeper's daughter, so she wanted him dead. It was as simple as that. And I actually tried to change her mind. 'You don't want to be alone,' I said. 'You need someone in your life.' But she had her mind made up. 'I wish he was dead,' she cried, and I made it so. I killed a man. I thought it would feel wonderful, but all I felt was confused. I assured myself that I wasn't a bad person. Only I was. I was a murderer."
"I thought she said," Anya continued indignantly, 'that she wished he would never find treasure with another woman. Thick accent."
"I cried for days. I thought D'Hoffryn might change his mind. Summon me to Arashmaha to admit that he'd made a mistake. As Cecily, I may have been cruel and petty and vain, but I was not a murderer."
"But killing for vengeance isn't really murder. It's justified. If men are evil, men deserve to die."
"It's easy to think that way, and God knows I've gotten used to it now. At first, though, at first it was unbearable. Didn't you feel any guilt, Anya? With your first wish?"
"Well, seeing as how nothing really happened...I mean I did feel somewhat guilty for the wronged party. By the time I realized my mistake, she was long dead."
"What about your first killing?"
"Now that's a funny story."
"No remorse?"
"We're not saints. We're demons. You of all people should know that."
"I do. It's just that nothing can prepare you for the first time you take a life. It's a singular feeling, both elevating and humbling at the same time."
"Finish the story. You were talking about your first wish."
"Right. The doctor's wife. You're sure I never told you any of this?" Anya shook her head. "Well, her wish was granted. He died that night, and she hung herself the next day."
"Geez, Hallie. Way to lighten up the mood."
"Sorry. I suppose this isn't exactly the kind of story you should be hearing now. What with the whole Xander betrayal thing and all."
"What does any of this have to do with Spike?"
"Oh, right. I got a little off track. To make a long story short-"
"Too late for that."
"I wasn't any good at vengeance. For years I felt sympathy, which even I thought was ironic considering the monstrous bitch I'd been as a human. Every time I closed my eyes at night, I expected D'Hoffryn to make me human again. That's when I thought most about William. It seems trivial now, but that one little event plagued my mind for years. I understood that the pain I had caused William was worse than the physical pain I had caused hundreds of others. Of course, I didn't want to quit vengeance. No matter how much it was killing me inside, I loved the feeling of power that came with granting wishes."
Anya rummaged behind the counter. "Scotch?"
"No, I tell stories better when I'm sober."
"Suit yourself." She grabbed a shot glass from the cupboard. "So, you were a sympathetic vengeance demon. Then what?"
"I moved. I moved a lot in those times. I thought that a change of scene might make work easier. But no matter where I went, I always ended up back in London. I had just made my third trip back when I saw William. At first, I assumed I was hallucinating. He was dead. We were all sure. But there he was, walking down an alley with some woman who I didn't get a good luck at. I didn't know how he would react, so I hid in the shadows.
"'Where now?' I heard him ask her. 'We should be celebrating.' Then they were gone, and I could breathe again. As much as part of me wanted to see him again, there was something about him that made me uneasy. Seeing him was like seeing one brought back from the dead. And even if I did speak to him, why would he believe that I had changed? How could I explain that causing pain had made me a more understanding person?"
"No, it doesn't really make any sense."
"Anna didn't answer the door, which I thought was strange. I had fired all of the servants when I moved and left the house to her. She was my mother's favorite. I heard him as soon as I opened the door. The voice of the most pathetic man I had ever known, only now rich with confidence and pride.
"'This won't take long.' There was a long pause 'Cecily?'"
"It was Spike? Who was he with?"
"I don't know who she was, but he called her 'Drew.' Strange name, don't you think?"
"Drusilla."
"Huh?"
"Drusilla. Spike's ex."
"Oh. Still a strange name."
"So they were waiting for you?"
"My first thought was getting out. I knew something wasn't right. William had died. I was now positive. And the woman with him - Drusilla, was it? - she was rambling incoherently. I was about to leave when I saw him, walking towards me from the end of the hallway. His footsteps were heavy, exaggerated, and it seemed like there was something wrong with his face. (I knew of vampires, but I had never seen one.) I stood there and waited as he approached.
"What's-her-name yelled from upstairs. 'Kill her and come upstairs. There's a full moon in every room.'"
"That sounds like her. She's quite odd."
"Funny how you remember the most random things. 'William,' I said to him. 'William, I thought you were dead.' And he simply looked at me and smiled.
"I can remember exactly what he said next. 'You'd like that, wouldn't you? And it's Spike now. I wish I had time to show you how I got the name, but Dru doesn't like to be kept waiting.'
"My first thought was that Spike and Drew were unusual names. My next thought was that as long as he steered clear of the necklace I was safe.
"Naturally, what's the first thing that he does? Rips it off and throws it across the room. Thank God it didn't break. 'I like my necks bare,' he explained, and that's when I finally put two and two together. The face should have been a dead giveaway, but I suppose I wasn't exactly thinking straight at the time.
"I barely had time to react before his teeth pierced my neck. The sensation was somewhat unpleasant.
"He lifted his head and licked his lips. 'Now who's beneath who, bitch?' He sounded more crazy than that Drusilla. 'Ironic, isn't it? Look at how far I've come. And you, the same haughty, holier-than-thou Cecily.'
"I might have had more time to ponder this had I not been in so much pain. Then, out of the blue, I reached an epiphany. I wasn't the same haughty, holier-than-thou Cecily. I was Halfrek. I was a demon.
"It was a bit of a struggle getting him off of me, but as soon as I had the necklace back I felt restored. With a wave of my hand, he was on the floor. 'You may be different, William,' I said, 'but some things never change.'
"He snarled at me, but I could tell he was more hurt than angry. And I felt great. The pity was gone, because I knew my place in the world. He made me the demon that I am today."
"So that's it? He left?"
"No. This part's actually quite amusing. Well, apparently he had told all his little fang friends that I was going to pay. He would kill me if I was lucky, he would vamp me then stake me, blah, blah, blah. There's a knock at the door, and I figure, what the hell? So, I invite the person in. Turns out it's some big, hunky vamp-"
"Angel."
"What?"
"Angel. Angelus."
"Jesus! You know there was a time when names were normal. I mean, I know 'Halfrek' is not exactly 'Mary Ann,' but really. What kind of name is Angel for a guy? Oh, I digress.
"Anyway, it's him and some blond girl."
"Darla."
"Yeah, whatever. So they walk in, all vamped up and ready for action, and there's William, lying on the floor. I was in demon face by then. I thought they might attack, but all they did was laugh. Looked at him and laughed."
"No more pity? Not at all?"
"Pity? The bastard had tried to kill me. I told him to get out, take his whore with him and get out of my house. That pissed the hell out of him. And the whole time Angel and the blond one were snickering in the doorway. I'll never forget the look on his face. Oh, that moment was priceless."
TBC…
AUTHOR: Spazatron
RATING: PG-13 for some naughty language.
FEEDBACK: Be kind. This is my first attempt at fan fic.
SPOILERS: Takes place during Entropy.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything.
SUMMARY: Halfrek relates the tale of how she became a vengeance demon...and the part that William the Bloody played.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've been fascinated with finding out how Cecily became Halfrek since Older and Far Away. This is my take on it.
"I'm not sure I buy it." Anya picked up the feather duster. "You? Spike?"
"His reluctant muse. It didn't seem like he remembered me, though. I've certainly changed since then."
"Well, from what you've told me, so has he." Her voice trailed off as she moved behind a bookshelf. "And you're sure 'effulgent' is a word?"
"You can't really blame me for the way I acted. The whispers in the hallways when I passed. The laughter when they read his poetry. They were laughing at me. So I made sure he knew where he stood."
"That was the last time that you saw him, then? Until the party?"
Halfrek paused pensively. "There was one other time. Years after I became a demon. I never told you about this?"
"No. I'm sure I would remember."
"Then I should probably backtrack a little.
"I got the magic from my mother. She'd been a witch her whole life. Of course Daddy tried to cover that up. He couldn't hide it from me forever, though. In a house with over a hundred gossiping servants, one's bound to hear something. She'd died by the time I found out. So had Daddy, which naturally made it that much easier to find what I needed to begin experimenting with the dark arts. I had plenty of confidence, too much if you asked any of the servants, and persistence. It wasn't long before I had reached transmutations.
"When he summoned me, I thought he'd made a mistake. D'Hoffryn, I mean. I was sure I wasn't demon material. I was Cecily, a rich and well- mannered - strictly in the literal sense - heiress. Cecily, who happened to have an unusual hobby. I had spent the past few months doing petty curses for scorned nobles. Little things. I made it so one man couldn't brush his hair. Any comb he tried to use broke with the first use. Then there was the woman who had left her husband of twenty-eight years for a penniless playwright. I gave her carbuncles. But nothing spectacular. I was just a foolish girl meddling in things I didn't understand.
"Next thing I knew I was in Arashmaha and D'Hoffryn was offering me a full time position." She fingered the amulet hanging around her neck. "I felt the power as soon as I held it in my hand. I'd had to work so hard for those spells. I'd had to do it all on my own. A vengeance demon has it easier. All it takes is 'I wish' and we have the power. How could I give up an opportunity like that? How could anyone?
"'You have a talent for causing pain,' he told me. He was talking about my spells; most were of a sadistic nature. But all I could think of was William. I had looked down at him, had told him that he was beneath me, had meant it. For the first time in my life, I genuinely pitied someone. I imagined him lying in a gutter, drained of his blood like the countless other victims. Not one of us had heard from him after the party. D'Hoffryn told me my regret was a weakness, that in our line of business sympathy is a dangerous thing. I understood and I tried to forget.
"Do you remember your first act of vengeance?"
"Don't be silly, Hallie. Every vengeance demon remembers her first wish. Mine was for a prostitute, wretched woman. One of her clients had beaten her and taken her nightly earnings, so she wished that he would never find pleasure with another woman, but I thought she said-"
"She was a lonely doctor's wife. Her husband was sleeping with the innkeeper's daughter, so she wanted him dead. It was as simple as that. And I actually tried to change her mind. 'You don't want to be alone,' I said. 'You need someone in your life.' But she had her mind made up. 'I wish he was dead,' she cried, and I made it so. I killed a man. I thought it would feel wonderful, but all I felt was confused. I assured myself that I wasn't a bad person. Only I was. I was a murderer."
"I thought she said," Anya continued indignantly, 'that she wished he would never find treasure with another woman. Thick accent."
"I cried for days. I thought D'Hoffryn might change his mind. Summon me to Arashmaha to admit that he'd made a mistake. As Cecily, I may have been cruel and petty and vain, but I was not a murderer."
"But killing for vengeance isn't really murder. It's justified. If men are evil, men deserve to die."
"It's easy to think that way, and God knows I've gotten used to it now. At first, though, at first it was unbearable. Didn't you feel any guilt, Anya? With your first wish?"
"Well, seeing as how nothing really happened...I mean I did feel somewhat guilty for the wronged party. By the time I realized my mistake, she was long dead."
"What about your first killing?"
"Now that's a funny story."
"No remorse?"
"We're not saints. We're demons. You of all people should know that."
"I do. It's just that nothing can prepare you for the first time you take a life. It's a singular feeling, both elevating and humbling at the same time."
"Finish the story. You were talking about your first wish."
"Right. The doctor's wife. You're sure I never told you any of this?" Anya shook her head. "Well, her wish was granted. He died that night, and she hung herself the next day."
"Geez, Hallie. Way to lighten up the mood."
"Sorry. I suppose this isn't exactly the kind of story you should be hearing now. What with the whole Xander betrayal thing and all."
"What does any of this have to do with Spike?"
"Oh, right. I got a little off track. To make a long story short-"
"Too late for that."
"I wasn't any good at vengeance. For years I felt sympathy, which even I thought was ironic considering the monstrous bitch I'd been as a human. Every time I closed my eyes at night, I expected D'Hoffryn to make me human again. That's when I thought most about William. It seems trivial now, but that one little event plagued my mind for years. I understood that the pain I had caused William was worse than the physical pain I had caused hundreds of others. Of course, I didn't want to quit vengeance. No matter how much it was killing me inside, I loved the feeling of power that came with granting wishes."
Anya rummaged behind the counter. "Scotch?"
"No, I tell stories better when I'm sober."
"Suit yourself." She grabbed a shot glass from the cupboard. "So, you were a sympathetic vengeance demon. Then what?"
"I moved. I moved a lot in those times. I thought that a change of scene might make work easier. But no matter where I went, I always ended up back in London. I had just made my third trip back when I saw William. At first, I assumed I was hallucinating. He was dead. We were all sure. But there he was, walking down an alley with some woman who I didn't get a good luck at. I didn't know how he would react, so I hid in the shadows.
"'Where now?' I heard him ask her. 'We should be celebrating.' Then they were gone, and I could breathe again. As much as part of me wanted to see him again, there was something about him that made me uneasy. Seeing him was like seeing one brought back from the dead. And even if I did speak to him, why would he believe that I had changed? How could I explain that causing pain had made me a more understanding person?"
"No, it doesn't really make any sense."
"Anna didn't answer the door, which I thought was strange. I had fired all of the servants when I moved and left the house to her. She was my mother's favorite. I heard him as soon as I opened the door. The voice of the most pathetic man I had ever known, only now rich with confidence and pride.
"'This won't take long.' There was a long pause 'Cecily?'"
"It was Spike? Who was he with?"
"I don't know who she was, but he called her 'Drew.' Strange name, don't you think?"
"Drusilla."
"Huh?"
"Drusilla. Spike's ex."
"Oh. Still a strange name."
"So they were waiting for you?"
"My first thought was getting out. I knew something wasn't right. William had died. I was now positive. And the woman with him - Drusilla, was it? - she was rambling incoherently. I was about to leave when I saw him, walking towards me from the end of the hallway. His footsteps were heavy, exaggerated, and it seemed like there was something wrong with his face. (I knew of vampires, but I had never seen one.) I stood there and waited as he approached.
"What's-her-name yelled from upstairs. 'Kill her and come upstairs. There's a full moon in every room.'"
"That sounds like her. She's quite odd."
"Funny how you remember the most random things. 'William,' I said to him. 'William, I thought you were dead.' And he simply looked at me and smiled.
"I can remember exactly what he said next. 'You'd like that, wouldn't you? And it's Spike now. I wish I had time to show you how I got the name, but Dru doesn't like to be kept waiting.'
"My first thought was that Spike and Drew were unusual names. My next thought was that as long as he steered clear of the necklace I was safe.
"Naturally, what's the first thing that he does? Rips it off and throws it across the room. Thank God it didn't break. 'I like my necks bare,' he explained, and that's when I finally put two and two together. The face should have been a dead giveaway, but I suppose I wasn't exactly thinking straight at the time.
"I barely had time to react before his teeth pierced my neck. The sensation was somewhat unpleasant.
"He lifted his head and licked his lips. 'Now who's beneath who, bitch?' He sounded more crazy than that Drusilla. 'Ironic, isn't it? Look at how far I've come. And you, the same haughty, holier-than-thou Cecily.'
"I might have had more time to ponder this had I not been in so much pain. Then, out of the blue, I reached an epiphany. I wasn't the same haughty, holier-than-thou Cecily. I was Halfrek. I was a demon.
"It was a bit of a struggle getting him off of me, but as soon as I had the necklace back I felt restored. With a wave of my hand, he was on the floor. 'You may be different, William,' I said, 'but some things never change.'
"He snarled at me, but I could tell he was more hurt than angry. And I felt great. The pity was gone, because I knew my place in the world. He made me the demon that I am today."
"So that's it? He left?"
"No. This part's actually quite amusing. Well, apparently he had told all his little fang friends that I was going to pay. He would kill me if I was lucky, he would vamp me then stake me, blah, blah, blah. There's a knock at the door, and I figure, what the hell? So, I invite the person in. Turns out it's some big, hunky vamp-"
"Angel."
"What?"
"Angel. Angelus."
"Jesus! You know there was a time when names were normal. I mean, I know 'Halfrek' is not exactly 'Mary Ann,' but really. What kind of name is Angel for a guy? Oh, I digress.
"Anyway, it's him and some blond girl."
"Darla."
"Yeah, whatever. So they walk in, all vamped up and ready for action, and there's William, lying on the floor. I was in demon face by then. I thought they might attack, but all they did was laugh. Looked at him and laughed."
"No more pity? Not at all?"
"Pity? The bastard had tried to kill me. I told him to get out, take his whore with him and get out of my house. That pissed the hell out of him. And the whole time Angel and the blond one were snickering in the doorway. I'll never forget the look on his face. Oh, that moment was priceless."
TBC…