DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, and this has been written without the permission of those that do, ie Miss Rowling and the Warner Brothers. The views expressed here are entirely fictional and you shouldn't blame for the crap I wrote.
THE HARRY POTTER INTERVIEWS
Now, on the eve of the release of the most anticipated book in history, we are proud to bring you an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the new Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, featuring exclusive interviews with the people behind the books.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Rita Skeeter: So, Tom. I can call you Tom right?
LV: No.
RS: Wonderful. Now, obviously these books show you in a bit of a bad light. How do you feel about that?
LV: Well, a book has to have a villain doesn't it? I was a little upset at first, but I talked with my agent and he convinced me that I'd suit the bad boy image, and that punk rock was making a comeback. You'd be surprised at how many of the skills I learnt trying to take over the world could be put to good use in a music career. Avril Lavigne did it. She used to be Lord Grindelwald.
RS: Another question many of our readers are wondering: how is it that you manage to keep your skin so wrinkle-free.
LV: I feast on the flesh of dead unicorns.
RS: Well, there's a handy tip for all those middle-aged women out there who just don't know what to do with their skin. And finally, what do you say to all these rumours linking you with the England Manager's job?
LV: I'm not taking the job, though I'm sure that whatever imbecile is doing it... what was his name again?... They chose Steve McClaren? And people ask why I think Muggles are idiots?
RS: The kind-hearted Lord Voldemort, who it should be said made a very generous donation to Children in Need last year.
LV: I agreed not to kill any more children that week. It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
RS: So, Professor Dumbledore. Tell us about your role in the new Harry Potter book.
Albus Dumbledore: (Lies perfectly still. You'd almost think he was dead).
SEVERUS SNAPE
RS: And now the delightful Severus Sanpe has decided to join us.
SS: I can't believe Jo let me off.
RS: So Severus, tell me how you feel about your massive female fanbase? Or are you more interested in the male fanbase?
SS: I was kind of looking forward to a bloody end to the eternal misery that is my life.
RS: Now, now Severus, this isn't some clichéd angst fic.
SS: My father beat me.
RS: Er, so how did you get into the business of being a treacherous bastard?
SS: I walked in on McGonagall and Dumbledore doing it. If that doesn't send you to the dark side...
RS: How... nice. What about your upbringing?
SS: My father beat me. I was bullied at school by a bunch of hooligans who could turn into dogs and rats and other weird things. And the love of my life rejected me just because I implied she was a dirty Mudblood unworthy of life.
RS: Someone get this guy out of here.
SS: Did I mention my father beat me? I think that's necessary so that people feel enough sympathy for me to forgive the fact that I killed and tortured so many innocents.
RS: Somebody get rid of him!
SS: I hate my life.
SIRIUS BLACK
For the course of this interview Mr Black refused to come out from behind a curtain.
SB: Miss Skeeter. You see, I'm new in town and I was wondering if you could give me directions to your apartment.
RS: Mr Black, are you flirting with me?
SB: Keep in mind that I can't see you from THROUGH THE VEIL so the only thing I can tell about you is your voice... which floats my boat, just so you know.
RS: Mr Black, perhaps we should get back to the interview.
SB: Perhaps... perhaps we should get back to my place.
RS: Whereas that is very tempting Mr Black, I should ask you first about your role in the Harry Potter series so far.
SB: Oh simple really, I'm the handsome father-figure who is in prison for allegedly betraying the hero's parents when really it was another of their friends who was a bit of a wuss but I sort of failed to kill twice. Oh, and I hugged my mate which if you believe the slashers is a sign of my eternal love for him. But enough about me, tell me about yourself.
RS: Mr Black-
SB: Please, don't be so formal. I'd love for you to call me Sirius. And I'll call you Remus-
RS: What?
SB: Rita! I said Rita. I'm not in love with Moony.
Mr Black proceeded to hum to himself for a while.
RS: So, any final words for your godson, Harry Potter?
SB: The kid with the glasses? Oh, he seems to take after his father a lot. Which is a shame. He was crap in bed.
WORMTAIL
RS: I'm not going near it. Can't we interview someone important?
FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY
RS: First off I should ask you guys about your upcoming movie.
FW (?): Yes, we're starring in this new buddy movie. I play a hard as nails cop fresh from the streets of London, and George is Prince Harry. Together we get together to foil and international super hot prostitution ring.
RS: And what do you say to comments that your film is smut.
GW (?): Yes. It's brilliant.
PROFESSOR TRELAWNY
PT: I have had a vision of the future. The movie the Weasley Twins are starring in will be so successful that they will release a sequel with the Olsen Twins. Only they'll call it the Weasley/Olsen Sex Tape, because that's probably a more accurate description.
"THE GOLDEN TRIO" HARRY POTTER, HERMIONE GRANGER AND... ERM...
RW: It's RON WEASLEY! I hate my life. How come Harry's the only one anyone ever wants to talk to? Why doesn't anybody like me?
HP: Didn't we cover this in the fourth book?
HG: Oh behave you two! This is our chance to promote our new solo careers. Now that I've been a child star the only logical thing for me to do is to star in a couple of crappy teen movies and release a poorly constructed album. If my career stalls at any point I'll just break the law and get thrown in jail for a few days.
HP: I'll wind up being like Gary Coleman and reduced to appearing only in cameo roles in real TV shows. I've already been in the Simpsons.
RW: Why haven't I been in the Simpsons? I hate my life.
RS: At least your father didn't beat you.
RW: If I say he did will I get a spin-off show where I move to LA and live with a never-before-mentioned brother, where none of my friends will even so much as call me?
HP: Shut up Ron, and let us more interesting people talk.
RS: So Harry, your own book series must have been a real breakthrough for you.
HP: Yes. Before that I was just an average person who goes to school like a schmuck. Now I never have to work a day in my life.
RS: What would you say to people who claim the Harry Potter series is unrealistic?
HP: Hey, people believe in Scientology, why not Wizards and Magic and Goblins?
RW: What's Scientology?
HG: Honestly Ron! Don't you read? It's a Muggle thing.
RS: She's a right bitch isn't she?
HG: Excuse me?
HP: You have no idea. But then I wouldn't be friends with either of them if Jo hadn't told me my real friends weren't suitable for children's books.
RS: Would you like to say hi to your friends?
HP: No, sure I see them everyday.
RS: You misunderstand. Some people like it when their friends mention them in magazines.
HP: Oh... well in that case. Hi Screaming Eddie! Hi Drug Dealer Dave!
RW: Why don't I have any friends? I hate my life.
RS: And bi-er... Hermione. You mentioned a few crappy movies.
HG: Yes. I just landed a role in the new James Bond movie. I had to pay most of my salary from these books to get into it, but it's just a platform for me to move onto bigger and better things.
RS: Better movies than James Bond?
HG: Don't be daft, there's no such thing. I mean better paid.
RW: Why don't I have any acting ability? I hate my life.
RS: Now Ron and Hermione, what about all the hints in the books of a romantic relationship? Do I hear wedding bells?
HG: If you do you might want to check what they put in your tea. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot broomstick.
RS: Do you have anything to say about that Ron?
RW: I hate everything about my life but I'm glad I'm not really dating Hermione.
HG: You tosser.
RS: Well, that's all we have time for. If you could just give us a small closing statement.
HP: Buy the book. Jo wants a new mansion.
HG: Buy my crappy films when they come out on DVD. I need a career.
RW: (Sits for a moment)... I better start practising serving the customers at Burger King.
RS: Thank you for joining us and we hope you enjoy the new Harry Potter book.