"Cas? You there?"
I am. But he can't hear me. I can't speak to him. I am only watching him this time. I can't help him every time he needs it.
"Cas? I need you buddy... where are you?"
I want to go to him. His face looks anguished, sad, hopeless.
"I need some answers, Cas, and you- ONLY you- can give them to me."
He has been crying... his eyes are bloodshot, it looks almost as if he'd been crying for days rather than a few minutes. Well he also had been drinking so that might be the reason, but who knows? He's a human unlike any I've ever met.
"Why did you have to leave me, Cas? Cas. Castiel. Your name is sorta beautiful."
Yeah, he's drunk. I laugh a little. Drunk Dean is always interesting. "I feel so alone, Cas. Sammy's gone. You're gone. Why is everyone leaving me?"
He looks as if his world is falling apart, like ashes from the end of a cigarette; nothing will be left soon enough.
"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Cas. Almost like how I think of the girls I get attatched to. What's wrong with me? You're an angel, I'm a human... let alone we're both guys. I've never felt this way for a guy before. Cas, where are you?!"
He's beginning to grow hysterical. He grabs the copy of the Bible the motel left in the nightstand and begins to cry and mutter into the pages. I'm thinking about what he said... about him thinking about me. How could Dean feel that way for me? I didn't deserve him. He was good. Kind. Special. I don't understand how someone like him could feel that way for someone like me.
"Castiel... I think I'm in love with you. Oh God, is that bad? Is it bad to love a guy angel? What am I supposed to do?"
He's in love with me. Dean Winchester admitted he's in love with me, albeit in a drunk emotional breakdown, but it's still something. I want to scream, to reach out to him and touch his face. I realize now that I am in love with him. It only took one time for the words to be said for me to realize it. "Castiel. Dean. Dean and Cas."
He's just whispering our names together, testing out how they feel on his tongue. "That kind of rolls off the tongue, huh? Dean and Cas. Cas and Dean. Castiel and Dean. Dean and Castiel."
My heart hurts... I'd felt guilt before, and anger, and happiness; is this new feeling love? Heartbreak? Whatever it is, I want it to stop. It hurts so badly.
"Cas..."
"Dean."
He turns around to look at me. I'm just standing there next to the bed he's sitting on.
"Took you long enough to show up."
"I am sorry."
"Did you hear any of what I just said?"
His voice is steady, but his eyes are worried, wondering how I'm going to respond.
"... Yes, I did. I heard everything."
"Cas, I'm sorr-"
"Do not apologize. I understand completely."
"Isn't it a sin to be gay?"
He blurted it out without really thinking. I realized I hadn't thought about that... my superior would be less than please. But making this beautiful creature, this human- my Dean- happy was worth the inevitable fall that would come with my confessing my love for him. He was worth it.
"I'm willing to make that sacrifice for you."
"Wait, I was talking about me... I know I was going to Hell anyway, but I don't want to add any more sins on to my plate. What do you mean you're willing to make that sacrifice?"
These feelings are new, yet it feels like I've had them for a long time.
"You'd be worth it. A lifetime of loving you would be worth more than an eternity not having loved anybody at all. You're special, Dean. I think I've known that since I first gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."
He's smiling at the reference to what I first said to him when we met.
"So Cas... are you saying you're in love with me?"
His voice says sarcasm but his eyes say hope. I can see that this is a new feeling for him too. "Yes, I am. But this is a new feeling for me. I don't even know how to go about this. And you know I won't be able to spend a long time with you."
"I know. But I'm willing to take that risk. This is a new feeling for me too."
All the gruff masculinity is gone from his voice and all that's left is a softness. I open my mouth to suggest we go get something to eat and talk it out then because the food will soak up the alcohol that's lowering his inhibitions, but his lips crash into mine before I can say anything. They're soft, but they taste of blood. There are lots of scars on them from all the times he split his lip open. Without realizing what I'm doing, I run my tongue over the breathing gets erratic. I begin to pull back, scared of his reaction. Am I moving too fast...? His hands come up and cup my face, preventing me from pulling away. His tongue traces my lower lip, and I open my mouth, curious. He tastes of beer, but it's not a bad taste. His tongue is playing with mine, and oh God, does it feel amazing. I really did make the right decision; this moment alone is worth Falling. I put my hands on the small of his back and rub tiny circles on it. He smiles into my lips and pulls away, but doesn't break his hold on me. His hands are on my shoulders. "Cas... I love you."
I feel my mouth lift up into a smile. My lips still taste of him. I put my hand on the hand print burned into his arm, now meaning so much more than just the place where I first grabbed him when I saved him. It now marks him as mine. I feel something new inside me, and the angel I'm supposed to be tells me it's Lust. I choose to embrace it. I pull away and lean down to kiss the print on his arm, then work my way up until my lips are poised over his.
"I love you too, Dean."
I am. But he can't hear me. I can't speak to him. I am only watching him this time. I can't help him every time he needs it.
"Cas? I need you buddy... where are you?"
I want to go to him. His face looks anguished, sad, hopeless.
"I need some answers, Cas, and you- ONLY you- can give them to me."
He has been crying... his eyes are bloodshot, it looks almost as if he'd been crying for days rather than a few minutes. Well he also had been drinking so that might be the reason, but who knows? He's a human unlike any I've ever met.
"Why did you have to leave me, Cas? Cas. Castiel. Your name is sorta beautiful."
Yeah, he's drunk. I laugh a little. Drunk Dean is always interesting. "I feel so alone, Cas. Sammy's gone. You're gone. Why is everyone leaving me?"
He looks as if his world is falling apart, like ashes from the end of a cigarette; nothing will be left soon enough.
"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Cas. Almost like how I think of the girls I get attatched to. What's wrong with me? You're an angel, I'm a human... let alone we're both guys. I've never felt this way for a guy before. Cas, where are you?!"
He's beginning to grow hysterical. He grabs the copy of the Bible the motel left in the nightstand and begins to cry and mutter into the pages. I'm thinking about what he said... about him thinking about me. How could Dean feel that way for me? I didn't deserve him. He was good. Kind. Special. I don't understand how someone like him could feel that way for someone like me.
"Castiel... I think I'm in love with you. Oh God, is that bad? Is it bad to love a guy angel? What am I supposed to do?"
He's in love with me. Dean Winchester admitted he's in love with me, albeit in a drunk emotional breakdown, but it's still something. I want to scream, to reach out to him and touch his face. I realize now that I am in love with him. It only took one time for the words to be said for me to realize it. "Castiel. Dean. Dean and Cas."
He's just whispering our names together, testing out how they feel on his tongue. "That kind of rolls off the tongue, huh? Dean and Cas. Cas and Dean. Castiel and Dean. Dean and Castiel."
My heart hurts... I'd felt guilt before, and anger, and happiness; is this new feeling love? Heartbreak? Whatever it is, I want it to stop. It hurts so badly.
"Cas..."
"Dean."
He turns around to look at me. I'm just standing there next to the bed he's sitting on.
"Took you long enough to show up."
"I am sorry."
"Did you hear any of what I just said?"
His voice is steady, but his eyes are worried, wondering how I'm going to respond.
"... Yes, I did. I heard everything."
"Cas, I'm sorr-"
"Do not apologize. I understand completely."
"Isn't it a sin to be gay?"
He blurted it out without really thinking. I realized I hadn't thought about that... my superior would be less than please. But making this beautiful creature, this human- my Dean- happy was worth the inevitable fall that would come with my confessing my love for him. He was worth it.
"I'm willing to make that sacrifice for you."
"Wait, I was talking about me... I know I was going to Hell anyway, but I don't want to add any more sins on to my plate. What do you mean you're willing to make that sacrifice?"
These feelings are new, yet it feels like I've had them for a long time.
"You'd be worth it. A lifetime of loving you would be worth more than an eternity not having loved anybody at all. You're special, Dean. I think I've known that since I first gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."
He's smiling at the reference to what I first said to him when we met.
"So Cas... are you saying you're in love with me?"
His voice says sarcasm but his eyes say hope. I can see that this is a new feeling for him too. "Yes, I am. But this is a new feeling for me. I don't even know how to go about this. And you know I won't be able to spend a long time with you."
"I know. But I'm willing to take that risk. This is a new feeling for me too."
All the gruff masculinity is gone from his voice and all that's left is a softness. I open my mouth to suggest we go get something to eat and talk it out then because the food will soak up the alcohol that's lowering his inhibitions, but his lips crash into mine before I can say anything. They're soft, but they taste of blood. There are lots of scars on them from all the times he split his lip open. Without realizing what I'm doing, I run my tongue over the breathing gets erratic. I begin to pull back, scared of his reaction. Am I moving too fast...? His hands come up and cup my face, preventing me from pulling away. His tongue traces my lower lip, and I open my mouth, curious. He tastes of beer, but it's not a bad taste. His tongue is playing with mine, and oh God, does it feel amazing. I really did make the right decision; this moment alone is worth Falling. I put my hands on the small of his back and rub tiny circles on it. He smiles into my lips and pulls away, but doesn't break his hold on me. His hands are on my shoulders. "Cas... I love you."
I feel my mouth lift up into a smile. My lips still taste of him. I put my hand on the hand print burned into his arm, now meaning so much more than just the place where I first grabbed him when I saved him. It now marks him as mine. I feel something new inside me, and the angel I'm supposed to be tells me it's Lust. I choose to embrace it. I pull away and lean down to kiss the print on his arm, then work my way up until my lips are poised over his.
"I love you too, Dean."