She wasn't tired, but she slept. She wasn't hungry, but she ate. She didn't want to do anything but be a lump under the covers of her bed, but she forced herself to get up and shower, to dress, to do more.
She wanted a fresh start, a purge. Weeks ago when she'd searched the house top and bottom for that ridiculous Lost and Found she'd seen boxes in the attic and once her hair was dry and some semblance of a breakfast was eaten she made her way up there to claim them. This was her home now, he wasn't coming back to it, and somehow if she packed up his things, took his suits out of the closet and got rid of every sign of him in her room then that would make it real for her. There would be no denying what had happened and there would be no hiding from the future. No, this was embracing the future, her future. At least that was what she told herself when she looked around her room once she was finished.
No. Finished in one room, but not every room.
She had six large boxes of clothes from her bedroom but the rest of the house? Well she struggled to get together three boxes of his things. The kitchen was barren of anything that belonged to him. The dining room, sitting room, porch, sunroom, all the same. The living room held most of his life, bits and pieces of unfinished trinkets, little projects he'd been working on restoring that would never be finished now. She packed each box up and put it away in the basement, along with his spinning wheels and books and she never shed a tear. Not until she made her way back up the stairs and moved into the office. The office would be a job all on it's own, no where near as easy as the rest of the house had been but that wasn't what caught her attention and brought her out of her trance.
There was something there that she didn't know what to do with, something that she couldn't sort through because it was neither hers nor his. It was theirs.
It was the paperwork, everything that he'd had her sign only days ago. Deeds and titles she hadn't wanted then because all she'd really wanted was him. She tried her hardest to stifle a sniff as she collapsed into the chair behind the desk to look it over and decide what to do with it because it was still true. No matter what had happened, no matter what he thought, she would trade everything, every last thing these signed, sealed, and dated signatures on the papers, gave to her just to have him back! Just to go back to the life they'd had a year ago when he'd come back from Neverland and for one night everything had been perfect! Neal, Henry, the pair of them…it had been good.
But clearly not good enough for him.
She wiped her eyes as she went through the papers one more time. They'd both signed what they needed to sign, everything was ready to be turned in though, she supposed, in the end there really wasn't much too officially turn in to anyone. He would have acted as his own lawyer and probably just kept them handy in case they were ever needed. It never would have been needed. That hadn't been the point. At least she would have liked to believe that. But now...he'd signed everything so she figured that so long as the papers stayed with her she had the right to stay in her house and her library, to use her car, to show anyone that dared tell her she didn't belong here or there that she did!
But her name...
That was the one thing she would have had to turn in. Paper work to change her a name, or give her an identity in Storybrooke as he'd told her before. That was what started all this. Her request to be Belle Gold instead of just Belle. They'd filled out the paperwork but…no, she'd never really been Belle Gold. To the world she was but in his eyes she'd never made it that far. And in his heart…
She was just Belle again. And sure, she supposed if she felt like it she could claim her father's last name of French, as he'd once told her she should but…
Maybe later. Some other time she could do it, for now she was busy. She just wanted to get this all over with as fast as she possibly could. And if she was honest with herself, she just wasn't ready to think about these things at the moment. For now, as far as she was concerned the house, the car, the shop, the library, it all belonged to her. Her name was still Belle. And so long as no one saw the signed marriage certificate she held in her hand, so long as she never handed it over to anyone official…well, maybe she could just put these ten days behind her and decades from now no one would ever remember how she'd spent their brief time together. She would. She'd always remember and never forget. It was her burden to carry, but no one else had to join her in that.
She put the papers away in a drawer, out of sight out of mind but easy to remember in case she had to present them, then finished cleaning the office, but left it nearly intact. Of all the places in the house, it just wasn't practical to strip it bare of him like the rest of the house, but that didn't mean she had to look at it either. So she closed and locked the door to the office behind her when she left. She took the few things she never needed to see of his away, put them in a box in the basement with the rest of his belongings then locked the door, and the remains of him, behind her forever.
She wasn't crying. She was proud that she wasn't crying. But as she leaned against the door, doing her best to keep the memories to that one contained place, she couldn't help the fact that her eyes kept watering. Her actions hadn't made much difference from where she stood. The pawn shop had always been more like home to him than this place had. But the little that she left behind was enough to make her cry. His smell. How long would it take for that to fade? The dagger. What was she supposed to do with that? And the world outside these walls, the pawn shop...what would she do about the pawn shop?
She could close it. But the thought of that nearly broke her heart. The truth was that she loved that pawn shop just as much as he did. It had been a constant in her life, the one constant besides him since she escaped that terrible padded room. She could continue to run it she supposed. She probably should continue to run it. Some of the most dangerous magic in all of Storybrooke was probably contained there, she couldn't just let it sit there, unattended to rot. But getting rid of his memory there would be a lot more difficult than it had been here. Frankly she wasn't even committed to getting rid of his memory.
She should have been, she knew that. She knew that women scorned as she had usually weren't able to calmly and methodically pack up their lover's things and store them away safely as she had. Probably she should have lit a fire or tossed things in the garbage but…she just wasn't ready for that. His memory, however tarnished, was part of her, she wasn't ready to truly get rid of his things yet. For now the basement was enough. And the house…the house was finally hers.
That was what pulled a tear from the corner of her eye in the end. This house may have always been hers, but she'd never had to consider it was all hers before. That she'd live in it alone without any hope or chance of ever seeing him again. That she'd have to-
No. She was dwelling again. She couldn't dwell. If she dwelled she didn't know what she would do next. Something to eat. She wasn't hungry but maybe she could make cookies or cake or something that required precise measurements and would take all of her concentration. And if she had to drive to the store and buy ingredients…even better.
With that thought she sniffed her tears back and moved away from that dreaded door and into the kitchen. She narrowed and focused her thoughts, concentrating on her task before in a way she never had before. Baking power, a one cup measuring cup, flour, butter, dagger, three fourths a cup of milk, exactly two tablespoons of chocolate chips, a flash of the town line, one flat cookie sheet, a spoon, sad eyes, preheat the oven, and-
Would it never stop?!
Was she doomed to have him there in her head forever, to feel like he was looking over her shoulder, to wonder where he was and what he was doing?! Part of her still wanted to chase after him but fortunately her brain held her firmly in place there at the sink letting water pour past the tablespoon mark.
Purged or not she was stuck again.
Her head wouldn't let her go back to him, but her heart wouldn't let her go forward without him.
Just as she was bowing her head, preparing to shut the water off and give herself over to her grief and guilt and let the tears fall into the sink there was a sharp knock on the door that made her jump.
Life.
It didn't matter who was there or why. It was life calling to her. And she wanted so desperately to ignore it, to just fall to pieces here in the kitchen and listen to the sound of her shattered heart scarring over, but another more insistent knock told her that she couldn't, whoever it was, they weren't going away. That wasn't a terrible surprise. People didn't exactly come to The Dark One's House just as a curiosity. Which was why she had to answer that door. She had to show them, to prove to them and herself, this wasn't The Dark One's House. Not anymore. It belonged to her.
At the third knock she wiped her eyes and turned off the water before heading down the hall. The dagger was sitting out on the table…she hid it on instinct without a second thought to consider what or why she was doing. Then eased the door open a few inches and peered timidly around the corner to find David and Emma. Neither one looked happy, but while David just looked angry Emma looked downright furious and suddenly she wondered why it had taken them so long to come in the first place. If it was her, she'd have been here last night.
"Where is he?" Emma growled right away. She didn't need to clarify who she was talking about. But she did need to swallow, to take a deep breath, and remember to hold her head up high because she'd done what she'd done for a reason, for a good reason. Sad and guilt ridden as that reason had left her, she couldn't be ashamed of it right now.
"Not here," she answered confidently.
"Well, no offense but you mind if I come in and look around?" she asked. No. Asking would have assumed nothing. There was no choice in her voice. One way or another Emma and her father would search her home for Rumple. She may as well get it over with.
"No, not at all," she muttered opening the door and stepping away for them to enter. And enter they did. They both stormed in as if they lived there or stopped by on a regular basis, despite the fact that she was sure neither had ever been there. She did want them gone and she wanted them gone fast. She wasn't in the mood to be social in any way for any reason today. She was barely hanging on by a thread as it was, if they were here too long…
"The bedroom is up the stairs first door on your left!" she called shutting the door behind them. If she wanted them gone, she may as well help them leave as soon as possible. But whether or not they heard her she didn't know. She could hear their footsteps going room to room and every now and then the cadence of one of them muttering something to one another wound through the empty space but she didn't seek them out, just went back to the kitchen and looked at the mess she'd started before they'd come in.
What had she been doing?
Water. Tablespoons of water.
"His things are gone!" She turned back at the sound of Emma's voice. She stood there watching her in the kitchen, her eyes wide and there was a look of shock or maybe just sympathy on her face. She didn't know what Emma thought had happened, but she knew that it probably wasn't anything like what had actually happened.
"Not gone," she corrected, "just in the basement. If you'd been here earlier they would have been where he'd left them."
Emma opened her mouth but before she could say anything David came up behind her. The two made eye contact but he immediately shook his head, a message she translated easily enough to mean that he knew Rumple wasn't in the house. He never would be again. They could look all over Storybrooke but they'd never find him. And he'd never hurt another soul here as long as he lived.
"Look," Emma sighed turning back and stepping up to her, her spine straightening as if she was ready for a fight. She just didn't understand that there was no more fight to be had. It was over. All of it. "I wasn't here earlier because I figured you guys needed some space to hash it out in private. I gave you all the time I could but I can't just ignore what he did, or tried to do, to Killian. I'm the sheriff, this isn't the Enchanted Forest, we live in the real world and magic or not I can't let him get away with it this time! Where did he go?" she demanded.
"Belle, please," David said behind her, his voice gentler than her insisting one, "I know this is hard for you, but you have to understand-"
"He's not here anymore," she spat out before he could tell her what she did and did not have to understand. As far as she was concerned, no one understood better than her right now.
"I can see that," Emma responded. "I need to know where he went."
"I'm not sure," she answer honestly, a lump rising in her throat because she hadn't even considered the fact that outside of Storybrooke there were a million places that he could be and she'd never know from this point on which of those places he would ever call home.
"Okay, well…when he left did he say anything to you or give you any indication of where he was going to hide?" Emma prodded.
She didn't want to say the words but she couldn't exactly hide it. Who knew how much terror he'd caused behind her back, how many people besides Hook he'd tortured in Storybrooke, how many were afraid to go to sleep tonight because they might wake up to him. She couldn't keep it quiet forever, she couldn't keep it quiet for the day. The town, the people, they all deserved peace.
"He's not in Storybrooke anymore," she answered, her voice barely a whisper.
"Wait, what?!" Emma blanched after a moment of silence. Part of her expected that. It would be difficult to believe, especially after how devoted she'd been. But he hadn't been devoted to her and she was always going to be devoted to doing the right thing no matter what the personal cost.
"He's not in Storybrooke anymore," she repeated, swallowing back her tears. "I made him leave, last night, after we left for the town line…I went there to banish him from Storybrooke and our lives forever and...that's what I did."
"You…what?! How?!" Emma cried, her eyes wide with undeniable shock this time.
"With the dagger. We were never going to be safe with him here, he was never going to be able to stop, I had to protect Henry, all of us, for Neal. I had to do what needed to be done."
Emma's jaw fell open at her pronouncement. "You're telling the truth," she whispered, "I thought you were going there to talk, to scare him a little or give him an ultimatum not..." but Emma's voice trailed off as her eyes widened. She didn't know what to say to that, or how she should feel that it took Emma using her so called super power on her in order to believe her, but she knew she didn't like this conversation. "But…but you married him!" Emma breathed in disbelief. "He loves you!"
"And I love him, too!" she shouted back at the silly girl, catching herself last minute and taking a deep breath so that she could remember who the enemy truly was in all of this. It wasn't Emma. She understood she was shocked and needed the truth but that didn't change the fact that she wanted them to leave now. To just take her story for what it was and leave her in the misery she was doomed to have for the rest of her life! David and Mary Margaret, happily married with a child, Emma and Hook, just starting out…they'd never understand. They'd never had to and maybe never would. "Sometimes love isn't enough," she answered sadly as tears slid over her cheeks. "It wasn't strong enough to spare the town ultimatum or not."
"I don't believe that," David whispered, looking her over like she was some kind of terrible horrible monster. She understood that look. She remembered a time when she wouldn't have believed that either. But that didn't change the fact that it was the truth and she'd give anything to go back to the moment when she could believe love was enough for anyone, including The Dark One.
"Then I envy you," she whispered, crossing her arms over her chest so that she'd stand up straighter. "But I'm not willing to gamble with the town's safety, not again. It's a losing battle. I know that now. So...he's gone. He can't come back and he can't use magic beyond the town line. He's normal. Human. And all of us are safer and better for it…including me." And if she kept saying that then maybe she would believe it.
"Now…if you'll excuse me I'm not really feeling like company at the moment."
Emma shook her head, finally closed her mouth and blinked a couple of times as if she was just now beginning to understand it all. But that was impossible. "Yeah…" she breathed. "Yeah sure…we just…I didn't expect…"
"Are you sure you're going to be alright here…alone?" David asked taking a careful glance around the kitchen, to the baking she had strewn about the counter tops. It probably looked crazy, making cookies after what she'd done. She didn't care. She had to focus on herself for once. Because it was clear to her now that no one else ever had.
"No," she answered honestly. "But the only way I'll ever find out is if people stop trying to hold my hand."
Hi! For those of you that are just checking out this fiction, welcome! For those of you who are a fan of the Moments Series, welcome back! I hope you'll enjoy this fiction. It's the 9th in the Moments Series, a series that is an attempt at an accurate portrayal of Belle's perspective during the Once Upon a Time series. This fiction features everything that happened in Storybrooke from the moment after Belle sends Rumple over the town line in "Heroes and Villains" up to the moment that Rumple has the darkness removed from him in "Operation Mongoose Part 2".
If you enjoy this fiction, please review! I always enjoy those wonderful gems waiting for me in my inbox and I love writing back to thank you personally for reading! It helps me know that I'm doing a decent job! Peace and Happy Reading!