I do not own Star Trek, anything related to Star Trek, or anything remotely familiar. Enjoy.
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Um. How do I…? I mean, is this thing on? Is that what the little light is? I hope I didn't just prime the proton torpedoes or something.
Oh. It is on. Ahem.
Captain's Log, Stardate 1575.3. Lieutenant Ja-KZZZKT ZZTS-ing for when the Captain wakes up. Because he will. And so will everyone else. Any minute now.
…
Any minute.
…
While I'm waiting for you to wake up, Captain, I'd like to apologize for kicking you out of your chair. I needed it, and you can take it back just as soon as you're awake. OR NOT.
…
It was worth a shot. Usually someone threatening the Enterprise does something when you're unconscious. Anyway, status report: I'm the only one awake. Does that make me acting captain by default?
It has been approximately an hour since everyone spontaneously collapsed for reasons I cannot fathom, and I've been going around the ship and securing as many people as possible. Mostly people in Engineering, but Doctor McCoy was holding an activated laser scalpel when I checked into Medical.
The computer can do ship-wide sweeps to find individuals with certain parameters, did you know? I vote we use that next time we're invaded by doppelgangers, it would really save a lot of trouble. The only problem is there's something wrong with the cameras, and so I can't visually check to make sure everything is secure. The scanners are on the fritz too.
I hope I got everyone. Besides, I'm not planning on any ship-acrobatics, so even if I did miss someone they should be okay.
I've looked at the readings for the time of the mass loss of conscience, and as far as I can tell, Captain, we went through some sort of viscous, proton-rich portion of space and that somehow took out the whole crew. More on that as I go along.
I was in the midst of an experiment with sub-space transmissions when Ensign Yeltz went down, and, honestly, I wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't also taken me with her. I think we spilled one of Mr. Spock's projects. Sorry sir, I promise I'll help you fix it when you wake up.
The ship also experienced mild turbulence, and until I can get the cameras to corroborate, I'm assuming when Yeltz fell so did everyone else. This suggests whatever affected the crew was solid enough to affect the flight path of the Enterprise. I'd posit we essentially hit a dark matter bubble, as bizarre as that sounds.
It's always been a pain to detect those, but I don't know if anyone's actually flown through such a concentrated mass before. It was like the galactic barrier all over again, but without the crazy after-effects. I think.
As soon as I'm done here I'm going to scan myself for anomalies and try to fix them. It wouldn't be very helpful if I suddenly became a raving lunatic, but I think I'll be fine, mostly because I've encountered PADD's with higher ESP than me. Still, better safe than sorry, Captain, I think you've lost enough people to that particular phenomenon.
My continued consciousness has to have something to do with my project, and so maybe I can replicate the effects on everyone else, and…
Is that a star?
Well sh-KZZRT.
((())))
Captain's Log, Stardate 1576.3, temporary acting captain reporting. Sorry for cutting off so soon last time Captain. I think it was the magnetic interference from the star we almost just rammed into.
I mean, a star, of all things? Of all the places in the universe the ship happened to be aimed at, why on Earth-
No. No, it's okay. I'm fine. We're all fine. Right?
Computer, scan the crew's biological signs. Now.
…
Okay, we're not missing anyone. Just…one minute, Captain.
…
Aheh, sorry for that. Almost flying into a star is a bit stressful, and I'm not Command for a reason. Or a pilot, for that matter.
To report: it seems as if Mr. Sulu hit something when he collapsed, which changed our bearing just enough to knock us off from the clear bearing to the base we were heading to. It wouldn't have really been a problem, but all of our more delicate instruments are decalibrated or not working, including sensors and navigation equipment, so nothing registered until it was too late.
When I say registered, I mean that I literally saw the star through the external cameras, which are still working for some reason. As you can imagine, that didn't leave much time for reaction.
We were already within the danger zone of the star's gravitational pull when I…um. When you wake up, don't throw me out of the airlock, alright? I'm trying my best.
Anyway, we couldn't break free of the gravitational pull as it was, so I sort of…flew. Directly at a star. As fast as I could go. Essentially, I utilized the star's own gravity to add extra speed, and then I veered off just enough to slingshot around it and break orbit. Admittedly it wasn't my best idea, but we're still alive!
It almost didn't work, actually, because I miscalculated the mass of the star by a couple grams and did a barrel roll trying to turn. Also, I've blown out one of the transwarp engines, and from what the remaining external cameras show me there's some pretty impressive carbon scoring all down the right side of the Enterprise. Please tell Mr. Scott I'm sorry.
I'm gonna get court marshaled for damaging Fleet property, aren't I?
Due to the random nature of my escape plan, we shot off in an undetermined direction, and I'm currently in the process of triangulating our position and that of our destination relative to-
Yeah. We're lost. I'm so, so sorry. It's been at least four years since my last flight simulation, and I've always been awful at star-charts. I'm a scientist, not a navigator, although I guess there is some cross-skill involved.
Everyone cashed out right at the end of gamma shift, so really I should be asleep by now. It's been a whole day, could you guys wake up soon so I can go to sleep?
…
Hey! That's Alpha Centauri! I could see those beautiful coronas anywhere. Now, if that's Alpha Centauri, where…Aha! Hello Sol. What are you doing down there?
Okay. I've fixed our position back to its original course, assuming I've triangulated my position correctly and the starbase's coordinates are still right. You might want to check them when you wake up, Mr. Spock, I had to eyeball the distances with the camera feed. I'd be really surprised if we're actually on the right course.
Now that we're on a course, and I've got the proximity alarms working again, I'm going to go down to Sickbay and see if I can use the equipment. Side note about the sensors: they've got corroded wiring, like, Statue of Liberty levels of corrosion. I had to do some creative rewiring to bring them back online, Captain, you might want to check on that too. That's what I've really been doing for the last twenty hours, in case you wanted to know. I've basically routed all the systems directly into the warp core.
On one hand, it took forever and I can't really see straight, but on the other hand, I've got everything back online. I think it's a fair trade.
I guess I'll start a tally for all the things you can write me up for when you're in charge again, because I'm going to raid sickbay for stimulants while I'm down there, and I feel like that's kind of illegal, but if you don't wake up soon I'm going to need something to keep me awake. The Enterprise isn't built for only one person, and I feel like if I take a nap we'll go careening into the nearest star again.
For your convenience: Damaging Fleet property, tampering with Fleet property, stealing Fleet property, and possibly unsanctioned use of medical substances. I'll add on as we go. There will probably be more.
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Captains Log, Stardate 1576.6. Still me reporting, unfortunately. I'm starting to get really worried. It can't be good for people to be out this long, right Doctor McCoy? I'm afraid there's neural damage, but I don't have enough medical knowledge to really interpret a tricorder reading with enough detail. The more complex machines don't work either, so I can't get any hard data.
There's a pattern here, and I don't like it. Anything that was on got zapped, like, the weapons are just fine, but sensors were down. I-I think whatever we flew through did something to the electricity that triggered oxidation, and since everyone on the ship survives on electronic impulses in their brains…What if everyone's corroded on the inside? How do I fix that? Can it be fixed?
Am I driving a ghost ship?
No. That's ridiculous. It'll take more than a mysterious space-blob to bring down the Enterprise and her Captain. You'll be fine, sir, I promise. If you don't wake up soon I'll… I'll call someone and they'll make you fine. Our long-range communications are still on the fritz, but I'm sure I'll run across somebody. I'll even ask a Klingon if I have to.
I don't really know what they could do, but it's really the thought that counts at this point. You'd do the same for any of us, after all.
Moving on: we seem to be moving in generally the right direction, according to the navigational material that's been cobbled together, so that's positive. Unfortunately, we're still at least three days from any sort of close-range communication with the station with only one of the engines working.
That's not fast enough. I'm going to go see what I can do to fix the engine.
((()))
Recording From Bridge of NCC-1701
Stardate 1577.2
"nuqheT. What can we do for you today?"
"What homespun flaxen have we swaggering here? Is this not the Enterprise? I, Captain Thiz Krallot, demand to speak to Kirk."
"He's…currently indisposed." *Shuffle* "May I help instead?"
"I can see him behind your chair, fool. Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?"
"Well…"
"And you've stashed his first officer there as well. I'm impressed, human, I didn't think any of Kirk's crew had it in them."
"I can explain! I-Wait. What?"
"Love is blind, and lovers cannot see. Even my comrades fall for his charms and graces, but I see him for what he is: a coward. Truly, you have seen past his glamorous name."
"…What's in a name, really?"
"Indeed! The king's name is a tower of strength, but you have knocked it from beneath him and claimed it for your own."
"Then I suppose…the world is mine oyster?"
"This is the short and the long of it, my young friend. What do you plan to do with your newfound power?"
"My kingdom for a horse, sir."
"How so?"
"During the…struggle…many systems were damaged. We've seen better days. I've lost long-range communications, and I wish to inform Starfleet of my…victory."
"Ah. Small things make base men proud."
"Fair is foul, and foul is fair. If you can give them the message of J-John Smith's betrayal, I shall contact you for an exchange of information as soon as I find myself secure."
"Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under't. I shall send your message, but I shall also meet you face to face at a later date. If you attempt to make a mockery of me, I shall know, and you will learn what Klingons do to those who dare lie to them."
"Alright then-I mean, I've found discretion is the better part of valor. Give me coordinates, and unless Kirk rises from his grave to stop me I'll meet you there within the week."
"It shall be done! I take my leave of you, and remind you of the Klingon's might. If you dare attempt to fade away, we will leave no stone unturned, we will find you and your remaining comrades, and we will show no mercy."
"Noted."
"We will see each other soon."
"Alright."
"Do not do anything foolish."
"'Kay."
"The coordinates have been sent. I expect you will come as soon as you are repaired."
"Of course. Have a good rest of your week."
"Do not disappoint me."
…
"Oh, good. He's gone."
((()))
Captain's Log, Stardate 1577.3. Still me. Still alone. Still awake.
I…
I just…Klingons, sir. I haven't slept for over fifty hours, and Klingons just decide to show up? There I was, trying to finally eat something after stopping the engines from rupturing and killing us all, without proper tools by the way, because all the tools on-deck were fried and I couldn't make a run to supplies, when all the sudden the proximity alarm goes off. Could it have turned out to be a fly-away comet or something? No! Of course not! It had to be one of the species who're fixing to blow us to kingdom come if we blink wrong.
On a side note, I've committed treason. Sorry.
Starfleet will be here soon, sir, I told you I'd get someone. What would be really awesome would be if they could bring another Doctor McCoy or Mr. Spock with them. You haven't let us all get killed by rampant mystery viruses, fried-egg parasites, or ourselves yet. I figure you'd be able to fix everyone here within a couple of hours, which makes me feel pretty useless.
All I can really do is monitor your vitals, and all that does is make me panic. It's like someone slammed the break on all bodily functions in the entire crew, and if I'm reading the tricorder right your breathing rate has been slowly decelerating over the last day.
Don't die. Please?
I know we've never really had any sort of contact, but I don't know what I'd do if you died. You're the Captain, you know? We all know you feel awful when you lose one of us, but we do know what we signed up for, and any of us would drop dead on the spot rather than let you down.
Well, maybe not Lieutenant Steel from Communications. She's a jerk.
Anyway, I'm kind of afraid to leave this chair, because every time I do, something horrible happens. But I need to check on my engine patch job, and also move all the bridge crew into the turbolift. For one thing, it's less likely that you'll brain yourselves on a control panel in there, and if I get another call I don't want the people to think I mutinied and killed you all. It's super awkward.
I also need to see if there's a limit for the amount of stimulants a person can use, because I won't be of any help if I keel over and die of a cordafin overdose. There're rumors circling around about people using it for months at a time, but I think they used it in more moderation, and also had a doctor on hand.
Before I go, can I make a suggestion? Labels, Doctor. Learn them, love them. All the computerized stuff does nothing if I can't access anything, which I can't because I'm not authorized to go mucking around in medical computers, and these hypos should come with instructions or something. It's stupid to assume there'll always be a medical person around.
Thank you for listening. I'm going to go drag you all into the turbolift now.
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Captain's Log. Stardate...um…Stardate 1577.7. Nothing else horrible happened yet. My patch job hasn't, I dunno, burst into flames or something, and we'll be in range of the space station…soonish. Like, a day.
I'm also really feeling the whole no sleep thing now that I've stopped taking the cordol….corfa…the stuff. Apparenly I almos' overdosed, so I stopped. I also might'a broke your computer, Doc, sorry. Hacking's not my forte.
Ask Mr. Spock to fix it. He's smart. But just so ya know, he'll probably do that thing with his eyebrows that means he's super disappointed with your brain. You know, this one.
…
I can't really get my eyebrows up that high, but you get me, right?
Speaking of vulcany eyebrows, innit weird how the most super-zen species ever walks around looking like they're spittin' mad? No wonder Vulcans an' humans had problems with the whole first contact thing. Humans probly thought they were seconds from being space-lasered to death.
An' then to make it more confusing, instead of movin' their faces to make faces, they move their eyebrows an' say they don't have emotions. 'M sorry, Misser Spock, but everyone knows you got 'em 'cause your eyebrows're more 'spressive 'n most people's faces.
Don't worry, we won't tell anyone. But we 'preciate it. You're not really part of the Enterprise Science Department 'til you figger out Misser Spock's eyebrows. Gives us something t' bond over.
You also gotta be yelled at by Doctor McCoy, else you won't get the whole experience. You're actually real effective, Dr. McCoy, I've never seen anybody do stupid things like using the shuttles to space-surf after you've got to 'em. That happened on my last ship.
Did not end well, lemme tell you. I told 'em it was stupid, but no one listens t' me.
An' then the Captain said it was my fault! How'zat fair? He wazza jerk, not like you at all, sir. I dunno what his problem was, but he tried to fire me like five times. Ha. Showed him, didn't I?
Well, sort of. This isn't goin' to plan, 'zactly, so he might've had a point.
Anyway. Status report: we're not dead. 'S about the only good thing I can think of t' say because I'm afraid you're all dying and Starfleet's gonna get here and I'll be flying an empty ship of corpses and I'll be morrly obligated to defect to th' Klingons an' sell Fedration secrets 'cause you'll be dead.
It's been more 'n two days. Y'all are gonna die of dehydration or something, an' how'm I supposed ta fix that? Turn on the fire suppression system?
Izzat foam or water? I can't 'member. Everything's real fuzzy, and…and…
…
Zzzzzz…
…
'M awake!
This innt gonna fly, I need coffee. But I shouldn't leave th' chair again, I feel like Imma jinx myself.
You know what this chair needs, Cap'n? A replicator. Then you could enjoy refreshing beverages while bluffing away hostile entetet…people. Add to your unflapped image. Also, I could get coffee and not hafta move. Or take the turbolift.
It's real awkward to ride that thing with like six other people squished in, almost as awkward as that whole alcohol virus thing. I joined a singalong with Riley and tried t' make a solid wall of sound that almos' blew out the entire science lab.
Poor Riley. Ya know people still sing that song to him, the Kathleen one, when he gets obnoxious, shuts him right up. An' Mr. Sulu's codename's 'Swashbuckler' in th' gossip wheel. Don't tell'im I said that, though.
Hmmm…
…
Zzzz-Okay! Imma go get some caffeine.
((()))
Recording From Bridge of NCC-1701
Stardate 1577.7
"Captain Kirk! We have heard so much about you."
"Wha? I'm…I'm not-"
"The Tarripiasn people graciously welcome you to our little corner of the galaxy, and wish you smooth swaying."
"Um. You too?"
"Human humor, yes? Most incomprehensible. Of course, most species haven't yet evolved past the baser levels of entertainment."
"Who're you callin' base? You look like a ginormous squ-gift…to the world. You know, in general."
"We don't follow. Are you mocking us?"
"No. No mockery. Promise."
"We were warned of the 'sarcasm' occurrence, Kirk, its witchcraft will not work on us."
"I think some things are gettin' lost in translation here."
"And now you insult our intelligence! You go too far, captain, we must ask you to leave at once."
"I'm sorry, but I'm confused. Why are you talkin' t' me, exactly?"
"Surely you are the one the Federation sent to barter with us for our dilithium. You can tell them we are not interested to associate ourselves with such crass creatures."
"That's a two-way street, beaky, you be nice to me first an' maybe we'll talk."
"Why I never!"
"What happened to we? Did I shock the other yous to death? Sorry."
"You are clearly insane."
"I'm not who y'think I am, I think. Sorry for that too."
"The Federation will hear of this. They assured us they were sending their best, and if you are what they have to offer the galaxy is in trouble."
"I know, I know. Don't worry, I'm not the best."
"We demand the Vulcan ambassador we were…Are you sleeping?"
"Zzzz-No. Don' be silly, I was meditating. Clears th' soul."
"…Indeed. We shall take our leave of you, Kirk, and await someone more civilized to converse with."
"Good choice, really. Jus' so you know, there're Klingons skulkin' around, an' they're even worse than I am. I wouldn't let 'em land anywhere if I were you."
"Just…Just leave us. We will make sure you leave the system."
"'Kay. Thanks."
…
…
…
"What wazzat about?"
((()))
Captain's Log. Stardate 1577.7.
I didn't even make it outta th' turbolift this time! An' I don't even look anything like you sir, 'cept for being blondish. Speciesist Terrapin tentacle people.
((()))
Captain's Log. Stardate 1577.8. I'm reallyreally awake now. Wow! Everything's so clear. Did you know there's this Vulcan drink with like four times the amount of caffeine in an espresso? Because there is, and it's fabulous. Like, that old singer David Bowie fabulous. I think I can see sound.
Why is this a thing? Since Vulcans are all about controlling everything, why do they need this much energy for anything? What does it achieve? Why is it programmed into our replicator? Can I stop asking questions?
I probably shouldn't have drank two… Drunk? Drinken? Whatever. They come in these irresistibly adorable baby espresso cups and I was powerless. Powerless, I say.
Now I can't focus, but in a good way. I hope I don't crash too hard when this wears off, that would be so bad. Also, massive headache, not fun. Might've overdone the caffeine just a tiny bit.
What's that?
*CRASH*
Oh, wow. Dizzy. Anyway, what's that?
…
Someone's in the transporter room. No one was in there before, right? Right.
GAH!
They moved! Two of 'em. It's either Mudd again, or eeeevil, not that those two things are mutually exclusive. Besides, only bad things appear all the sudden.
Well try to get me now, mystery malevolence! Sealed off the room til' I can get down there. It'll only take like a minute 'cause I feel like the world's going in slow motion. Bye Captain. Sorry for accidentally impersonating you earlier.
((()))
Medical Log. Stardate 1578.0. Entry made by Commanding Medical Officer Leonard McCoy, or as the kid has oh so charmingly dubbed me, 'The Fake McCoy'. At least it's a clever pun.
Hey! What's so funny, chucklehead?
Oh for-You just got the joke. Siddown before you hurt yourself.
Situation report: This ain't my ship, or my crew. We seemed to have hopped dimensions into your lovely vessel, and can't leave until we swing back through the ion storm. We're about to hit it now, and so I figure I'd leave a note because the kid isn't in any shape to be coherent right now, despite his insistence to the contrary.
Aw. He's asleep.
*CRASH*
Never mind. Y'all are lucky Spock and Jim were with me, or else things woulda gone south real fast. We beamed in, just returning from some delegation meeting on another ship, and all of the sudden the transporter room goes on lockdown. Naturally, I was not happy.
I was even less happy when a frazzled, grease-smeared, slightly singed lieutenant finally lifted the lockdown, only to flap a hand at us and tell us to 'shoo' because he didn't have time for alternate universe counterparts.
Then Jim steps up and tries to do his whole Captain bit, but the kid just looks straight at him and tells him to zip it because he's not the real captain, and he's probably evil to boot. But that wasn't the best part by a long shot. Watching Spock try to use logic on a sleep-deprived, jacked up on caffeine human might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen. They were both so confused.
Made my day, that's for sure.
If it were up to me, I would've hypoed him into oblivion before he could blink. I've still got my kit with me, but after Jim charmed the story out of the kid he made me promise not to do it. Some hogwash about not wanting his ship without any crew, which, alright, but our dear little lieutenant needs some serious rest. I suggest you, other McCoy, take him off-duty until he can uncross his eyes.
Anyway, after he got us up to speed, Spock and I spent the next few hours scrambling around the ship trying to keep y'all from dying a horrible death. We had our own little paranoid shadow the whole time, which turned out helpful, because when we went into the lab he basically exploded science everywhere, something about sub-space radiation, which got Spock hoppin'.
The two of them built what looked like a death ray together. It was very sweet and a little unsettling. Allegedly it 'reversed' the corrosion and restored the synaptic pathways, but I'm pretty sure they dumbed it down for me, because that's not physically possible.
After a few tests on the ruined circuitry, they tried it on one Ensign Yeltz, who apparently sings a mean round of karaoke, and she stared waking up almost immediately. Once the kid saw it worked, he dragged us to that turbolift that goes up to the bridge without missing a beat.
Imagine our surprise when it opened to show a bridge crew dog pile. According to the lieutenant, there were Klingons. Nobody's quite sure how that has to do with dumping the illustrious captain into a turbolift, but he wouldn't say anything else about it.
After this universe's Kirk started to move again, the kid pretty much swooned. Either because he was relieved or because the caffeine poisoning finally got to him, I'm not really sure.
What on earth even possessed him to drink two of those Vulcan death concoctions? Just one is enough to make someone feel like they can vibrate through a bulkhead. If I didn't have to leave within the next twenty minutes I'd do more than just give him a detox hypo, that's for sure. I mean-
What?
Oh, hold your horses Hobgoblin, I'm coming. Hey kid, don't do anything strenuous for the next twenty-four hours.
Yes, I know you're not a kid. No, I don't care. Just lay down, for heaven's sake, and go to sleep. Your captain will be up any moment, and it'll be his job to fix whatever you broke.
Kid, take a deep breath. Hysterical laughter never helped anyone. Just-
Alright, Spock, alright, I'm leaving.
Bye kid.
Fake McCoy out.
((()))
"Alright, that was all Uhura could salvage. Thoughts?"
"Yeah, Jim, I've got a thought. How are we going to explain this to Starfleet?"
"I find telling the truth works best, Doctor."
"No one's asking you, Spock."
"I asked him and you, Bones, don't be sour because another alternate universe you was on the ship. Besides, I was talking about the lack of glory seeking crewmen. You'd think he'd be jumping at the chance to get some publicity."
"I believe I know who captained the ship over the last three days, and his silence is unsurprising."
…
"Are you gonna clue us in, Spock? Him and I need to have a discussion. Scotty wants to talk to him too, actually."
"You know, Bones, that's probably why he hasn't said anything yet. He seemed pretty convinced that he was going to be punished."
"He most likely will face judiciary action for bargaining with Klingons and complicating diplomatic relations with the Tarripiasn people."
"That's ridiculous!"
"Indeed."
"Jim, you can't let 'em do anything to this kid. He's had a hard enough week already."
"I'm with you, Bones, I really am, but then what do you want me to tell them? We lost all recordings of the last three days?"
"It could work, it almost happened. Hey! Hobgoblin, you never said who you thought our mystery caffeine addict was."
"If you must know, he is most likely Lieutenant Jack Gabler. He works closely with Ensign Yeltz and specializes in communication sciences. He was recently doing research on a new frequency combination to maximize the speed of information transfer."
"Oh, him. He keeps to himself, mostly, and I don't think he'd appreciate the extra attention if his actions were broadcasted. I think we can keep this to ourselves, can't we Bones?"
"I'm still calling him in for a physical."