True story. Don't own shit. Note about the JDatE shot: any true fan of the book (like myself) would be able to take that cheap shot for what it is - good humor.

I had this really stupid idea the other day, that I was going to read My Immortal in one sitting and then see what happened. I rolled a Dutchie and passed it like a good sport, prepared the biggest plate of nachos I'd ever seen, loaded myself up on caffeine, and I was good to go.

I admit that I didn't read the whole thing in one sitting. (I got bored halfway through and watched a couple of episodes of American Dad, and then sat around like a jerk, staring at the weird patterns that I was just beginning to notice on my Hard Rock Café T-shirt. You never notice those sorts of things until you're on drugs. Oh about drugs? Don't do them, kids. And if you do, don't tell anyone that MFJ is the one who told you to do them.)

I'm getting distracted, though: the point is, something happened when I hit the last chapter of My Immortal.

My eyes started bleeding and they fell out of my skull into my lap. One of my roommates came in, hearing my screams and fainted on the spot, and I realized that I was melting. What was left of my computer screen was congealing and morphing into some kind of bio-mechanical god from the Abyss and long story short, I'm pretty sure Cthulhu popped in my room out of my computer and said that I'd accidentally woken up the God Who Sleeps. I know because there's this corona of unholy power still lurking around the corners of my dorm room. I, naturally, told Him he had the wrong chick, and it was all Tara Gillespie's fault. Or, you know, whatever the fuck her name was. I don't remember. I was high at the time, lay off me.

Anyway, I think I either died or passed out but something strange happened and I woke up on the floor, half-naked, surrounded by black ichor. My computer was fine for the most part (see below) but I was open to this page right here and I was writing this, and I have no idea what's going on anymore. This is just like what happened when I read John Dies at the End! My clocks are all malfunctioning, I don't have any service, and I think I'm the only one left alive in my entire building. Maybe in the entire world, because I can't access any recent news and there's nothing on TV but Two and a Half Men re-runs.

I don't know what reality is anymore. Everything is so strange now.

What happened to all the clocks? And the people? I'm so confused. I love Charlie Sheen to bits, but what happened to all the TV?

Also, after I read it, my cat disappeared. I'm not implying anything, but I think the mail man ate my cat. Every time the guy walks by there's this unearthly wail and it won't stop. He also spits fire at me and sometime I catch him chanting "h'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtag." I don't know what to do, but it's Tara Gillespie's fault!

There's also the issue that every time I open up my laptop, it screams at me. It won't stop no matter what I do. I tried to get a new laptop and the same damn thing happened. I don't know what to do and I just leave on earmuffs all the time now. I'm afraid to close the laptop, but I'm afraid to open it at the same time.

What if the screaming starts and never stops? What if it goes on forever?

I'm scared.

What the hell's happening to me?

What day is it?