Chapters 1 and 2 of this were published on here long before the "drug test" episode aired on TV. I don't want anyone thinking I ripped off the plot idea from an already-aired episode so I thought I'd say that. Several months later, this full fan-episode is finally complete. Please review it if you read it all, even if you don't enjoy it. I have another full length fan-script that should be making its way to fanfiction in the next few weeks.
As usual, I'm just a fan and am making no money off of this. I hope you all enjoy this is my first work of fanfiction. This is an updated version of what I posted on the Office livejournal page.
The Urine Sample
Part 1
typical disclaimer stuff about not owning anything blah blah. Not sure if that is needed or...whatever. Just a fan having some fun.
The Urine Sample
part 1 (updated)
Michael exits his office and stops by reception. It is another typical day at Dunder-Mifflin.
"Pam, Pamela…Pamela Annnnnderson", Michael jokes.
Pam is staring at him with neither a frown nor smile.
"I wish, right?" Michael says with an obnoxious laugh as he glances towards the camera man.
"Down to business. I need these papers distributed and signed by the whole team to okay random drug testing", he continues.
"Uhm, you think someone is on drugs?" Pam replies.
"Corporate breathing down my neck. Some guy in the Albany office crashed his car into the office building last week high on coke and now they want to have random drug testing." Michael makes the motions of snorting cocaine off of the reception desk. Pam looks slightly horrified.
"I've told you about this place in the 80s right? Craaaaaazy partiers. Paper was not the only white thing around in abundance if you know what I'm saying."
"You didn't start here until the early 90's" Pam says.
"Well what do you know, you weren't even here", Michael says with a laugh.
Michael looks at the camera and laughs again.
"Why don't you tell everyone your news yourself?"
"Well isn't that your job Pam?" Michael says with a laugh.
"I'm a receptionist." Pam sighs and takes papers
Jim looks over from his desk and then at the camera.
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Michael is in his office talking one-on-one with the camera.
"I'm kind of like...Jesus...in this office. Not that people worship me, or at least they shouldn't worship me…but I have the ultimate power to both giveth and taketh away."
Michael makes a serious face and leans forward at his desk.
"Corporate has asked me to do random drug testing at least once a quarter. So four times a year I have to drug test someone, picked at random, from either warehouse or up here. I've never needed drugs to be funny or to find things funny. I have a natural drug flowing through my veins and it's called humor."
"Do I think that someone in this office is on drugs? Maybe. You never know these days and you can never be too careful."
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Dwight is sitting at his chair trying to twirl his pencil around his fingers. Twice in a row the pencil flies out of his hand and onto his desk making a clinking noise. The second time this happens Jim, seated at the desk next to Dwight, looks up and stares at Dwight continuing to twirl his pencil with spotty success.
"Having a little trouble Dwight?" Jim asks. As Jim spoke he twirled his pencil around his fingers gracefully before putting it on his desk. Jim has a slightly amused smile on his face.
"I feel I need safety glasses if you keep doing that".
"This pencil, properly sharpened, could kill a man with one stab." Dwight responds.
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Dwight is in the conference room talking one on one with the camera.
"My grandfather left me a book called Get Tough from the Second World War. It shows how to kill enemy soldiers using simple pressure points. It's quite simple really. One second they're alive and WHAM they are dead. Death by Schrute."
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Jim raises his eyebrows and stands up from his desk. He walks over to the reception desk to talk to his favorite Dunder-Mifflin employee, Pam.
"Hey" Jim says, searching for the smile that always seems to light up his otherwise mundane day.
"Hey" Pam responds. She looks very bored.
"Can you do this?" Jim asks as he twirls his pencil around his finger. He hands the pencil to Pam but she fails at it.
"Guess I'm not ready for the professional twirling circuit" Pam giggles.
"You were definitely not a baton or flag geek in High School were you?" Jim asks.
"Oh God no. Art geeks and twirling geeks are nothing alike."
"Well Dwight seems to be very frustrated with the fact that he can't twirl his pencil. He's been trying all morning with very limited success" Jim says with a smile.
"Why does he want to twirl?"
"I have nooooo idea Pam. No idea."
Pam laughs lightly and looks up into Jim's eyes. This is what makes her work day more pleasant than her evenings. She could be discussing the most ridiculous and nonsensical things with Jim and she would lose complete track of time. She wished she could get lost in Roy's words and idiosyncrasies.
"No seriously, you have to learn. Dwight would go ballistic if we both twirl our pencils all day." Jim leans over the desk and tries to teach Pam how to twirl her pencil properly. She is all laughs while he is mocking a serious pencil twirling instructor.
"Pam, I…uhm" Jim stammers as Pam dutifully practices her pencil spin. For a second his face turns somewhat serious like he has something to say. Pam had seen this look before and it made her slightly uncomfortable both then and now. She truly wanted the best for Jim. It hurt her to see him unhappy and after learning about his crush, she worried that she might be the cause of his discontent. Lately he seemed a little more down than usual although he covered it well with his jokes and charming personality. She got the feeling every so often that he wanted to speak his mind but he never did. He always turned it into a smile or a joke at Dwight or Michael's expense.
Michael sidles up to the reception desk as Pam's eyes meet Jim's. Michael interrupts by drumming on the desk with his hands. Pam doesn't break her stare for a moment.
"What?" Pam asks softly still looking at Jim.
"Did you get those papers all signed?" Michael asks.
Jim mouths the words "I'll talk to you later, I gotta make some calls" and diverts his eyes before walking away. Pam looks confused and then looks towards Michael.
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Oscar, Kevin and Angela are looking over a memo they just got from a reluctant Pam.
"Random drug testing? Why would Michael do this?" Oscar asks.
"They want to test our pee." Kevin replies in his signature monotone delivery.
"Kevin, don't be gross. I think it's a great idea. Drug addicts shouldn't be working here." Angela says sternly.
"Well I think it's an invasion of privacy and a denial of trust. If Michael suspects someone he can have them tested, but to randomly test us four times a year is ridiculous." Oscar retorts. Oscar was one of the nicest guys in the office but even he got mildly frustrated with Angela's prissy behavior.
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Pam is leaning against the right side of Jim's desk talking to him. She has a smile across her face that is infecting him as we see the corners of his mouth stretch into a slight smirk. She is gracefully twirling a pencil around her fingers as is Jim. Dwight, trying his hardest to focus on his computer screen, can't help but notice this out of his peripheral vision and is getting visibly agitated.
"You know Dwight, now that random drug testing is going to happen you won't be able to eat your daily poppy-seed bagel." Jim says.
"And why is that?"
"Poppy-seeds can make a false-positive on your drug test for opiates. Even if they let you retake it you would still have a positive for opiates mark on your permanent record. Good luck becoming manager with that."
"There's not enough on a bagel to do that. That's a myth."
"I hope you're sure. That would be a terrible thing to have on your permanent record." Jim saus. Pam is trying to stop from smiling but gives it away with her eyes and a slight movement of her cheeks.
In the conference room, Dwight is alone and talking towards the camera.
"Would I like Michael's job? Sure. I wouldn't want Michael to get fired because it is my duty as assistant manager to make sure that doesn't happen. Would I take it if he left? That's a different story. I basically do his job already. Except…I don't get paid more than anyone else. I should have been eating sesame seed bagels."
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Michael walks over to where Jim and Dwight's desks are. Pam quickly disperses leaving Jim and Dwight with Michael.
"Allllllllrighty then" Michael says in his best Jim Carrey impersonation. He laughs and like a triggered robot, Dwight follows suit.
"Jim Carrey, very nice" Jim says patiently.
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Michael is in the office talking to the camera again.
"Jim Carrey is like the Da Vinci of comedy. It never gets old. I've been doing impressions from The Mask for over ten years and it has yet to get old around here. The Mask was his Mona Lisa one could say."
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"Michael, can I choose who should be drug tested?" Dwight asks. He feels it is his duty to relieve Michael of this task as his position of assistant manager.
"It has to be random, Dwight."
"I think I should choose" says Dwight.
"No, no you definitely shouldn't" Michael replies.
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Jim is sitting at his desk typing away. As the camera zooms in we see that he is typing an e-mail to Pam even though she is just a few feet away at her desk. As he notices the approaching camera he minimizes the window and pretends to work. He wants so bad to talk about the events from last week. He had felt so awkward when he realized that his secret was out and not satisfied at the attempted cover-up. Although Pam wasn't showing it in front of him, there was some kind of tension between them that was never there before. Maybe it was just him but he felt like she knew more than he wanted her to know. He just wanted to talk it out, get this weight off his chest.
People are beginning to gather their coats and leave. Jim is staring blankly at his computer desktop, lost in thought. His stare is broken when Pam sits on his desk and places her hand on his.
"Are you okay Jim?" Pam asks. She is truly concerned about him. Surely she could not be the cause of his discontent. She was just…Pam. She didn't have a big enough ego to think that she could be the cause of Jim's problems.
"Yea, I was just…" Jim says, not making eye contact. That wasn't like him. He usually locked into Pam's eyes as he spoke to her. "I was finishing up for the day. Wait until you see what I have tomorrow for Dwight." He finally looked up at her.
Pam smiles and lets out a giggle. She wonders what their relationship would be like if they didn't have Dwight to pick on. It seemed like whenever there was an inescapable silence, it would be broken with some kind of Dwight reference.
Jim taps his fingers on his desk and slowly opens his mouth. He is searching for the right words to say and is hoping that she would say something instead. Just before he os about to break the silence the door to the office opens. Roy is here to get Pam.
"See you tomorrow Jim." She quickly takes her hand off of his and stands up.
"Yea, see ya." Jim lets out a deep breath as she walks away and looks nervously at the camera and then away. He pulls his lips in to make as straight of a face as possible before gathering his things from his desk. He opens the minimized e-mail up and stares at it for a few seconds before clicking send. He hopes that he doesn't regret this. It wasn't a complete confession but just something to get them talking. He really wouldn't feel comfortable until they talked about the booze cruise secret again. He needed to explain himself.
To be continued…