I Want To Love Again

For so long, I thought that if you would accept me, I'd be happy. I thought that if you would acknowledge me, I would have had a fulfilled life. I thought that you were my only reason for living. We barely knew each other, but you were my everything. You made me a better person, and I idolized you for that. I always thought you were a strong-minded boy, and that you would never be corrupted by evil. In my mind, you were secretly beginning to open up to me and everyone else on the team and our bond was growing stronger and stronger every day. I thought that the bond we all shared, the bond we shared, would never be broken. God, I was so wrong!

You're gone now, and I should be over you. I should be mad that you broke up the team unknowingly, and that you made everyone go frantic looking for you. I should be angry that you put people in the hospital just because they risked their lives fighting to carry on Naruto's will and defeat Orochimaru's bodyguards. I should be pissed that I confessed to you on that night you left and you just left me lying there, unconscious, so I wouldn't get in your way. I should be downright furious that you were so determined to kill your own brother that you were willing to do anything and kill everyone that got in your way. Somehow, though, I'm not! And I don't know why the hell I'm not mad at you or anything you've done!

I hate myself because of you! I thought I could stop you before you left, I thought that I could have helped you on that night. I thought that you wouldn't have let your power get to your head the first time we saw you again. I didn't think that you would try to kill us. I hate myself because of you, because I was so damn wrong about everything.

Worst of all, I should have stopped loving you, right? I thought I did, didn't I? When we were twelve, you never once acknowledged the fact that I could potentially be strong, and you never once acknowledged me. Now, I'm seventeen; I've been part of the teams trying to track you down so you wouldn't destroy the village. Team Seven is slowly being rebuilt with our two new members, and we're all getting along way better than we ever did when you were around.

Now, there's someone else I'm beginning to care about a lot- an amazingly nice former ANBU captain that has saved me more times than you never had. He's the reason I'm still standing here today.

But somehow, I just can't be happy right now because I just can't forget about you! I don't feel anything for you, my heart doesn't ache or run faster or slow down when I hear news about you. You're gone, aren't you? Didn't you break off any and all ties you had with your former teammates and sensei? So why the hell can't I be happy without you?

Here, I have people who care about me, who acknowledge me and accept me... and yet, I still feel as empty as I did on the day that you left the village forever to pursue that filthy old man that was your key to power. I have someone that I care about, and who I might even begin to love; but I can't tell whether or not I'm still in love with you or if I've gotten over that obsession enough to let someone new even closer in than I've held anyone in my entire life.

Is it because you sense somebody slowly filling your spots? Wherever you are, do you feel that there's a new village prettyboy in our team and that he's slowly taking up your place? Do you feel that I'm being happy for once, and that you think you should ruin all my hope for a new beginning?
And even if you're not, why does it seem like it's going to take a million years for every one of us to forget your name, and forget that you were ever one of our closest friends?

All I want is to love again, Sasuke-kun. I want to love people, I want to be in love with someone that's in love with me and not some power-mad and revenge-bent boy I knew once upon a time. I want to go out with my friends and enjoy every single moment that we're not risking death for. I want to know what it's like to love someone so much and to have them love me back and be able to start a life together. I'm so close to feeling this way, 've already disappeared from the team, disappeared from the village, and disappeared from our lives. So why the hell will you not disappear from my own thoughts? Why can't your image and my best memories of you leave my head like you left me five years ago?