Secrets
By
Nekonekonekonekonekonekocheese
--
A/n: Hey! New fanfic up! A kind that's VERY different from I usually make. I've been kind of straying from the whole sasunaru fandom lately, and I feel bad. I've been really into KHR lately, and have been ignoring my other fics. But I am and will be continuing them, FYI! My POT fic just needs encoding and Up on the Balcony II: Another Night, uhm…is still in the process. Sorry it's taking a while! I just haven't been feeling that dramatic lately. Been giddy! The reason is a secret! HI-MI-TSU!! Teehee.
Anyway, there isn't much to say about this fic. I made this fic based on something that happened to me, when I was 6th grade. It caused me to mess up one of my friendships with one of my best friends really badly. Almost 3 years later and we're still not down! Sigh…
--
One moment…
That's all it takes to change things…
Forever.
--
My Beta Reader: Is of course, Denzel. Props to Manga-chan and her mad editing skills. Now if only I could get my fics back from her once she finishes…Lol. Joke lang yun.
Disclaimer: All characters I may or may not use belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Now why do you suppose he can't be as open-minded to BL as Amano Akira is?! It would make Naruto yaoi soooo much easier with canon.
Warning: Rated T this time. There's nothing really yaoi here; just shonen-ai stuff. I think even a bit one sided. A bit of angst though…I think. This was written in the spur of the moment; as I was remember how things got so messed up, as I was listening to Fall Out Boy, so expect this to not be that good.
Summary: Naruto continues to pretend he could handle all that his life had thrown at him; when in fact, he couldn't. His only refuge was a leather diary, in which he pours out his deepest emotions. But when his sanctuary was discovered, and his secrets read, things changed between him…and everyone else.
--
How did things turn out this way? I had never intended this to happen, I had never intended for you to know. But it got out. And now…I miss your smile… your touch… even your sarcastic remarks. I miss you…
…Sasuke.
--
Everyone has secrets. And everyone has a different way of dealing with them. I too have secrets; and the way I handle them is by writing in a journal.
In my leather notebook, I write things that I would never want anyone to know. I express my pain because of everything that happened to me, how I put up this mask no one seems to notice, and how my simple feelings for my teammate slowly developed into something more.
--
I returned the leather notebook back on its place on my dresser. I just finished writing today's entry of yesterday's events. Nothing out of the ordinary. It wrote about how the village continued to ignore me, my friends and the people I care about, our mission and how I let tears fall when no one is looking.
The pages of my journal are stained wet with tears. I pour out my heart when I write these things, and it always hurts, especially when you acknowledge the truth.
The Village will never accept me...
My friends will never look past my cheerful exterior, and see the me that's being hidden...
He will never look at me the way I want to.
My eyes are still wet, and I still feel sluggish from writing. Usually, I like to be by myself after I write, but it seems like today the world wasn't even forgiving enough to let me pretend I'm alright. Several knocks came from my door, and I heard Sakura's familiar voice calling me.
"Naruto!!" She called. "Hurry up and get your ass out here! Have you forgotten we have to meet the others today? Geez! You're still such an idiot, Naruto!"
I hadn't forgotten. Of course I knew there was a mission. I glanced at the clock and saw that there were still 15 minutes until the meeting time. Recently, I try to make it at the last possible moment. I would rather not wait there with the rest of my team, and continue to pretend I'm as carefree as they think I am.
They don't suspect my true reason, of course. I'm sure they believe that my being constantly late is due to my being an idiot. I don't really care. Let them think what they want. I stopped caring a long time ago.
I called to her to just come in, since I left the door unlocked. I couldn't take any more banging anyway. I made my way into the bathroom to clean my face. I wanted people to acknowledge me, and regret how much I suffered from their actions, but I didn't want their pity. Especially fake ones.
As I closed the bathroom door, I looked at myself in the small mirror above the sink. My eyes were slightly puffy, but it wasn't that noticeable anyway. Heh. Looks like heaven hadn't completely abandoned me after all.
About five minutes later, I went back into my bedroom and looked for Sakura, I was sure I heard her come in. Whatever, she must have become bored waiting for a 'dunce' like me to get ready.
I took my time in getting ready, as well as making my way over to the bridge where we were told to meet. As I neared the area, I saw not only Sakura and Sasuke, but Ino, Tenten, and the rest of their teams.
I didn't really care about whatever gossip Ino was sharing to Sakura. However, when I moved closer, I completely froze. There, lying innocently in Sakura's hand, was a leather notebook. One that looked just like mine. I tried to recall seeing mine back in my apartment, and cursed inwardly when I remembered I didn't.
'Shit… I really am stupid.' I looked back at the group, only to find some of them staring coldly at me; Sakura and Ino in particular. This was very bad. If Ino and Sakura knew the contents of my journal, then soon, the entire village would know!
Luckily, they didn't take any action. The two just continued to stare at me in disgust. I was too scared to look at any one else, so my gaze remained on them. I slowly turned around and walked away. As I continued to distance myself from them, my walk broke into a run.
This was a very bad situation for me. I knew that even if I had written down how much I had suffered and had been tormented, all Sakura would relay to the rest were the things about her darling Sasuke.
Hopefully, since many of the others were my friends, they would respect my privacy. Keep their mouths shut about what they found out. But as I leapt across the rooftops of Konoha, I knew I hoped for too much.
I felt someone grab me from where I stood, and poof me away. When I opened my eyes, I found I was on the streets of Konoha, and that my abductor had vanished.
I couldn't handle the stares the villagers were openly throwing my way. Their judging looks. I knew gossip in Konoha traveled fast, but I only realized now HOW fast, and how dangerous. I felt cornered. They began to surround me, demanding answers. And I started to feel dizzy, sick, scared.
I did the only thing I could do. I used a jutsu, and ran.
--
I knew that at the rate everyone was moving, I would soon be found. I quickly turned to find a new hiding spot, when I was suddenly grabbed by the arm, and thrown into the streets of Konoha.
"I found him!" I heard a girl shout. It was Sakura. She was waving her arms around, trying to catch the attention of anyone nearby. I merely stared at her in shock, as she sold me out to the disapproving and hateful eyes around me.
"You had it coming, Naruto." I heard her say, before she disappeared into the crowd surrounding me. I was alone now; left bare and naked to those people, who wouldn't hesitate to kill me once and for all.
I looked around frantically, trying to find a friendly face. Someone to offer me comfort. But as I looked, I felt my heart break with disappointment, sadness, and anger. I'm sure they knew I saw them in the crowd. But they just shied away.
I saw Hinata among the people; she gave me a sad look, but quickly left. Kiba didn't even look at me. He just grabbed Hinata and pulled her away.
It hurt. It hurt a lot, to see the people you thought cared about you do nothing to help. They shrugged you away, and left you to your fate.
I saw Iruka and Tsunade from the corner of my eye. I was sure they were saying something to try and calm everyone down and back away, but I couldn't hear them. My ears turned deaf the moment Sasuke himself came to view.
My mind turned blank; as I watched his lips move. I had fallen to the ground the moment I saw him. His face, clearly showing that he knew the truth, made me tremble in fear of his judgment.
Sasuke…
I continued to gaze at you. Tears threatened to flow as I heard you say how pathetic I was to cry over this. I hoped you meant to comfort me; tell me this was all a bad dream. But as I felt the stinging pain on my face, I knew I was only fooling myself.
I had hoped that because of everything we've been through, you'd overlook this. Just throw it over your shoulder, and allow us to continue living each day as how we used to.
But you were still affected by society. You cared what they thought, and if they judged you. I think that's why things ended up this way.
My heart shattered when you said those things to me. Once things settled down into silent murmurs, I escaped into the forest. My eyes stung with the amount of unshed tears they were holding. Finally, as I reached a more secluded place in the forest, I couldn't help myself.
I cried.
Throughout the night, I cried; my mind full of thoughts of you…the past…when things were much simpler. I wish I could rewind time, and stop you from ever finding out. For at least then, I'd at least be able to be friends with you. Pretend that my feelings don't—didn't— exist.
For years I had taken the judgment of the village. I could handle the way they treated me. I had grown used to the nightly beatings and the hurtful remarks that they sent my way, but not this. Not from you.
I trusted you. I thought that there would be someone who could stand by me, even if things went horribly wrong. In your own way, you acted as if you understood me, even for bit. Iruka and the others, they never really tried to figure out how much pain I was in. They had figured out that I was a demon, but they did nothing about it. It was as if they tried to ignore that information.
With what you did, you treated me as if that didn't matter! You treated me the way you did, because you acknowledged me, Uzumaki Naruto, as someone worth looking twice at. That had been my dream. So why do you blame me for falling? It was only a bit.
So why?
Why treat me like they do?
Like I'm a horrible…thing. A mere flaw no one wanted! Something…
"Disgusting. It makes me wonder why I ever thought you were someone worthy enough to be my rival. Get out of my sight, you filthy faggot."
A/n: There it is. It's not that good anymore. I lost interest midway, and had written it when I wasn't feeling emo. It was starting when Sakura read the journal. But whatever. This is done. And as I hope she will NEVER read this…this is for L Abalo.
My friendship got real fucked up with you, because I confused my feelings for a crush. We're kinda over now, but thanks to you, I now can love my friends without worrying that I'm being overly affectionate. I love them the way I do because I consider them my family. It was the same way with you, but I figured things out too late.
You were the first, and I miss you Raine.
Beta Corner:
/cries in a corner
Oh gad Kimmyyyyy.
You do realize this is exactly the way I felt in Grade 5.
/cries some more
You are awesome.
It still hurts ;;