AN: Oh god...this is so nerve wracking! This is the first time I've ever actually tried to write something serious.... DX Comedy is different, I know I can write comedy ....but ... SERIOUSNESS! I'm really not sure. At least with my last fic I knew it was either going to be well received or completely disliked ....with this I have a feeling I'm gonna get a lot of people who aren't sure what to think of it...because that's how I feel. I think I'm trying too hard with this, although that's kind of ironic because when I wrote this chapter it was like it was writing itself... But I just-URG!
This is kinda just a test subject chapter. In other words I'm gonna try to gage everyone's reactions and then decide if I should continue this or not. I know that I want to continue it... I'm just not sure if I should. Anyways I reeeeeeeally hope you guys like this. Especially since this probably isn't what you'd be expecting from me... Hell this isn't even really what I expect from myself. But c'est la vie right? Mind you this most definitely will contain some of my twisted humor because I don't think that even if I tried I could stop myself from at least adding something funny into this. Plus this will be a pretty heavy fic and I practically live off making people smile, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I wrote a fic that made people depressed each chapter. XD
Warning: Yaoi, Swearing, This will eventually live up to the 'M' rating....and by that I mean SMEX! HOT GAY SMEX! --ps. If you found the previous phrase offensive...well you should probably get your ass outta here as quick as you can. This will also be kinda depressing, and there will be a lot of mentioning of death and stuff around that subject- mind you nothing gory! I'm NOT a gore fan, I don't condemn people who like gore...and believe it or not gore doesn't scare me but...I just don't like it.
Disclaimer: No. Oh and I've decided that this disclaimer applies to the whole story so....Yah.
Rain pelted angrily against dirty windows and a rusty tin roof, while the wind rattled decrepit wooden walls, whispering in cold and damp breath through the many cracks in the barely there foundation. The walls were so thin that the snores and sleepy mumbles of various rooms occupants could be heard clearly throughout the building. Bathtub and sink faucets dripped at random time intervals, taunting and torturing the fine workings of any mind. Truly, it was a poor setting to sleep in, even worse for a person who was already frustrated and exasperated beyond their wildest dreams.
Allen Walker rolled over restlessly for the nth time that night, his body fidgety yet tense in response to his thought cluttered mind.
The sound of the rain and wind were actually quite slight, most would probably even find it soothing, but coupled with hundreds of already deafening thoughts, the light tapping and rattling proved to be the last straw of Allen's rather questionable and precarious sanity. He felt like just screaming, at the top of his lungs. He just wanted to scream and scream and scream until he was so exhausted he simply couldn't anymore.
Giving a huff of annoyance the white haired teen angrily swung his pale legs around and off the side of the lumpy bed and set them on the ground, giving a shudder and small jump at the abrupt transfer of cold into his, previously warm, feet. Allen gave a quick and anxious flex of his fingers, before heaving himself up into a standing position. He sent an accusatory glance across the room, pushing blame for his inability to sleep on every dark object he could, trying to ignore the many loud voices laughing at him, mocking him, speaking in various tones of that one unbearable voice. The voice that wouldn't stop taunting him with images of that one sandy haired kid. The big, sparkling, green eyes slowly going gray and dull, cycled over and over in his thoughts, torturing him, sending him just that much further over the edge.
Allen stumbled as quietly as he could to, where he vaguely recalled, the small dresser and mirror were. He and Link had come to the quaint inn when it was already dark out and had left the light on only long enough to find their beds, get out of their blood stained clothes, and into their pajamas. It was not the type of night to sit around with a cup of tea, it was a night in which sleep was one of the only chances at escape- even if only temporary.
Allen stared into, what he figured was, the mirror for a moment, his hands digging into the wood of the waist high vanity in front of him. Trying, in vain, to release the large amount of anger and anguish bubbling dangerously inside of him. He pressed his fingers into the wood, pushing harder and harder with each second, not bothering to stop even after dull throbs of pain became sharp pangs that pulsed into not only his fingers but hands and arms.
The image of the little boy was flashing more vividly and insistently each time now, his mind focusing in on each and every minute detail. The frighteningly large part of his mind, now consumed and controlled by the dark shadow looming in his body, was doing its best to gain control once more. It had enjoyed feeling yet another ounce of its host's sanity crumble and fall. Enjoyed watching Allen Walker break, just that little bit more. It had not, however, enjoyed the way that the pawn had fought back and still had control enough to kill the poor akuma. But it would wait, because it knew this was a process that took time, a process that had now truly begun. The process of rotting Allen Walker from the inside out, rotting him till he became the Noah he was meant to be.
Allen tried to squeeze the dresser with even more force but couldn't for the way his hands and body were now shaking and trembling. His breath came out in fast and uneven puffs, as he tried with all his might to hold back the tears burning his eyes, ready to fall.
The worst part was that he knew it was coming. He could feel it. Feel himself slipping. He could taste it on the shaky breath he forced his body to take. And when he looked up to the mirror at the simultaneous moment that the first peel of lightening ripped through the dull midnight blue sky, and he caught the quick but thorough glance of his slightly gray skin and glinting golden eyes; both he and the shadow knew.
Allen Walker was breaking away, leaving his shell of a body, as he was forced to recoil into the dark abyss of his mind. And he was breaking fast. -Ironically, so was the fairly ancient wood in his grasp.
'Craaaaaack!'
Link bolted up straight in his bed, his mind, already snapped out of sleep, was alert and aware.
"Walker!?" Allen paused briefly, trying to calm his suddenly racing heart, before replying to the question- more like demand- and tried to control his shuddering breath, so his voice wouldn't tremble when he spoke.
"Sorry to wake you Link. I just couldn't sleep. I was feeling p-pretty...restless," dammit, his steady voice had faltered. He shut his eyes tight and breathed in through his nose as deep as he could- so much so that it almost hurt- before continuing.
"I got up to stretch my legs and walk around the room. Then, since it's so dark, I stumbled and grabbed onto the desk, but right after that there was that flash of lightening....and I-I guess it just scared me, I suppose I don't know my own strength- well that and I'm pretty sure this dresser is at least a hundred years old- but anyways then I guess, well I-I just... It cracked. The dresser that is..." Allen trailed off realizing, a little late, just how lame and distraught he'd really sounded. He'd said the whole thing in a single breath, each word coming faster and more nervous than the one before it, his voice raising awkwardly in pitch with each syllable.
There was a long and heavy pause, before Link heaved a large sigh. The British exorcist could just picture the way he was sure Link's eyebrows were knitted and his mouth was pulled sharply downwards in a frown.
"Just go to bed and try to get some sleep Walker...It's been a long day." Allen nodded, though he knew Link couldn't actually see him, but somehow he felt that Link had understood it, so he flopped back down into his bed and began trying to sleep- again.
~~~~o~~~~o~~~~O~~~~o~~~~o~~~~
When morning finally came, the air felt sticky and damp. Allen opened his eyes slowly, laying very still. He had finally managed to fall asleep, although he now wished he never had. He'd had the same horrible nightmare again and again. It couldn't really be called a nightmare though, because it was merely his mind replaying an actual event, over and over. It wasn't really a nightmare because nightmares were supposed to stop once you woke up- but this one hadn't. This one was very real. And he had no idea if, or when it would ever stop.
He kept on seeing himself, standing there, not listening to his own commands but to someone elses. He watched, for long precious moments, as the akuma ran towards, attacked, and eventually went so far as to kill the little kid. He not only watched but heard the little boy call out to him and beg him for help, voice getting louder, more pained, and frantic- until it quickly became solely screams and then faded... into a dead silence. It was then, several moments too late, that Allen had forced his body to obey him and he finally killed the akuma, his mind and body driven by revenge.
Allen felt a chill go down his spine as he recalled the feeling of helplessness, and the strange and unpleasant sensation of a complete and utter lack of control. Goosebumps rose on his skin as he heard a bone chilling laugh echo in a hardly there whisper through his entire being. It was a mocking laugh that promised far more helplessness to come in the near future. Allen squeezed his eyes together as tight as he could, before a voice cut through his dark thoughts.
"Walker...Walker! I know you didn't sleep well last night but you have to get up now. Members of the Order don't get the luxury of sleeping in. Now hurry up if you want breakfast, our train is going to be departing in an hour and a half and we still need to get down to the station." Allen gave a low groan and wrapped himself, defiantly, in the cozy blankets. He was, after all, a teenager- though he was rarely, if ever, allowed to actually show it.
When Allen showed no signs of getting up Link huffed in indignation, feeling more like Walkers mother at the moment than his inspector.
"Fine, Walker, stay in bed for another half an hour. But I will not be stopping on our way to the train station to get breakfast, because I won't be having us miss our train...again!"
"Aww, come on Link... I'll just get ready really fast. Plus I don't even want to go back to sleep, I just wanna rest my eyes for a moment. Come on let me at least lie here for a bit."
"Walker get out of bed this instant! You're acting like a sloth! You are a member of a military organization, what makes you think that, that grants you the right to lay in bed for longer than necessary. Honestly Walker. And if you think you can get ready quickly, I am here to tell you that you do not, in fact, have that capability. And if, in fact, yo-"
"Alright! Alright... sheesh Link, I'm getting up, you happy?" Allen puffed out his cheeks as he slowly unraveled himself from his cocoon of blankets.
"Yes, although I'd be far happier had you just gotten up when I'd first asked, that way we could've avoided this whole production." Allen rolled his eyes at Link, noticing how the inspector had already washed and dressed, and was ready to go. The teen sighed dramatically before walking pathetically slowly and lazily to the bathroom, making sure to drag his feet, in a very over exaggerated fashion, along the way.
~~~~o~~~~o~~~~O~~~~o~~~~o~~~~
The train ride back home was fairly awkward thus far- especially since they had ended up missing their first train. It wasn't like it was Allen's fault that he needed that much food and that the chefs at the inn weren't quite as quick as Jerry at cooking the quantities of food to which Allen had become so accustomed. It's not like Allen was actually going to leave without getting his breakfast! That idea was absolutely preposterous- but apparently it was also Link's opinion on the matter. So they'd gotten into a bit of a spat, thankfully it wasn't a particularly large one. It had ended rather abruptly when Link made the mistake of saying, 'don't you dare speak to me that way young man!' and Allen had promptly burst into a laughing fit that had his eyes watering for at least ten minutes. For the next while Allen made a point of only referring to Link as, 'mother dearest.' Link didn't seem to like his new nickname quite as much as Allen though...so they'd gotten in another small argument. But after that, everything was quiet.
They still had three hours left on the train, Allen knew this because they had just reached their second stop, and already there was an awkward silence hanging in the air, both of them suddenly apprehensive to say something, not sure what to say or where to start.
Looking, rather intently, out the window Allen let his eyes drift from one thing to another until finally he was just staring, focusing on nothing in particular. He understood Link's dilemma and he definitely understood his silence. Link had been knocked out half way through their run in with the akuma- he didn't know the full story. When Link had woken up they were still by the old church but the innocence and Allen were beside him. Being an inspector Link, of course, asked what had happened, so Allen told him- putting on his poker face at times and leaving out certain facts of course. All Link knew was that Allen hadn't been able to save the kid but he had killed the akuma and retrieved the innocence, which, technically, was all they were required to do.
And now, with Walker acting so strangely Link wanted to ask about it and try to find out more... but he didn't. He didn't want to because he knew that Allen blamed himself for the kids death and he couldn't be sure if that was the only reason that Allen was acting so... off. Allen could see this, and felt fairly guilty for using this more human side of Link to his advantage.
A martyr- that's what Kanda always called him. Allen's lips curled in self-loathing. He sure didn't feel very self-sacrificing and martyr-like right now. Were he a martyr, he would've told Link the truth. He would let them lock him away. Even let them kill him. Because he knew he was a threat to the Order, a threat to his friends-his family. But he just couldn't. He had to admit that he was scared, hell he was terrified. And was it so wrong for him to want his life, to be afraid to place it in the hands of cold hearted officials, who saw him as a mere tool, a pawn to be disposed of when they saw fit. It was different then being in this war. Fighting for the Order meant that he could die at any time, being an exorcist was like signing a waver to your own life. But it wasn't the same as his current situation, he couldn't put his finger on why-perhaps it was the fact that during the war there were several factors that he could change and have some form of control over. However in this... the only large determining factor he held control over was whether or not to tell the truth, after that decision he would have no say in the outcome that would be chosen for his life. The idea was rather gruesome to him. If only he coul-
But his thoughts were cut short. Apparently another mission had been assigned for them to do on their way back. And this one wasn't going to be just him and Link
"Oi, Moyashi! Did you hear a word I just said?!" Oh great, just what he needed right now... Kanda.
AN: ....so uh....there it is. D8 PLEEEEEASE review!!! Pretty please! Just even if you say something like, 'Yah, continue.' Or even, 'No. Just no.' I'll love you all the same! DX I'm just sooo nervous right now and I don't think my nerves will become calm until I know how people feel.
Anyways I actually really hope you liked it. If not... well I tried at least....right? Thank you for reading regardless!
~byes