Anyone who had a heart
Authors Notes: I am a long time Jag FanFic reader, but have never been brave enough before to post a story myself. I'd really appreciate some feedback. Please let me know if this is at all worth pursuing, Thanks. Of course, I claim no ownership of any of the characters from the Jag television show.
Fair warning: This is not a shipper story, it is a romance- but not between Harm & Mac. I always had a hard time with the mean things that Harm said to Mac or said about Mac during the course of the show. I know that there were times when Mac gave as good as she got, but it always seemed to me that she "forgave" Harm too readily for his nasty remarks. For the purpose of this story, the characters had been trying to achieve an even keel as colleagues and cautious friends after the dreaded Paraguay/ CIA/ Webb / Catherine Gale episodes. It is AU, so that it does not take place during December as in "A Merry Little Christmas". I thought that would be too much to bear.
Summary: The story opens during the ninth season just after Harm has suddenly informed Mac of his impulsive plan to become the guardian of a teenage girl Mac knew nothing about. Caught by surprise, Mac questions Harm's motive.
Chapter One: Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes
1645 Friday
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
"What's the matter, Mac? Are you afraid Mattie will take all my attention away from you?"
Time slowed and stopped as the sharp words sliced through the air. Marine Col. Sarah "Mac" McKenzie stared straight ahead, not daring or even wanting to look at her office partner of nine years, Naval Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. Curiously, Sarah was so startled that her remarkable internal clock failed her at that point for the first time ever. Thinking back on it, she would have been willing to testify under oath that the whole episode lasted for at least 30 minutes. In reality, only a few seconds had passed before she stood and turned to look at Harm's face. "Maaac", he said resignedly, clearly wanting to take back the sharp words once again. Drawing herself up, as ramrod straight as her Marine bearing would allow, Sarah turned and walked out of his office.
1830 Friday Sarah McKenzie's Apartment
Georgetown, District of Columbia
Sarah sat on her sofa in the gathering darkness, staring out of her living room window. She watched the late afternoon breeze stir the new leaves on the tree out front. She had been sitting in that exact spot for the past couple of hours since arriving home. "It's getting dark", she thought, reaching across to turn on the lamp. And suddenly scenes from the past bubbled up out of her memory and spilled over like a fountain.
"It's getting dark," she had said nervously sitting across from Harm in the Admiral's office. "Is it?" Harm had replied as his green eyes continued to gaze into hers. That was the moment when she had first thought, "Maybe…maybe he is interested in me." But the moment had passed quickly as her partner jokingly asked her to help him pick out a car- because of course, he couldn't ask his girlfriend to help – it would be seen as a sign of commitment.
Her mind moved forward to the devastating kiss, on the Admiral's porch- a kiss that had only happened after she made a commitment to someone else.
Finally, the apartment seemed to echo with Harm's laughing explanation to Sturgis- as if he had declared it that very afternoon instead of two years ago: "I'm not involved with Mac. Anyone who was is either dead or wishes he was."
A realization came to her that she had never wanted to face, that she has pushed so far down inside, and had successfully kept down for nine long years. "He doesn't want me. He's jealous and possessive when someone else is showing interest but then when there is no other man around to challenge him, Harm always disappears."
Sarah finally understood with certainty that she could do nothing more to change that fact. She had certainly stood by her man, literally by following him to the ends of the earth. They had endured every dangerous situation together that one could imagine. They had spent so much time together on trips, sharing meals, at each other's homes, and during holidays. They had "been there" for each other during critical times. Or so she had thought. Harm had been there for her, offering advice –sometimes unwanted advice; but as she thought about it, what had he ever taken from her? Their journeys were always at his direction. Harm didn't ask for advice or council, he went his own way – damn the consequences for anyone else; whether it was going to Russia to find his MIA father, returning to flying, the investigation into Singer's death, and now this guardianship. As she thought it over she realized that Harm had only really come to her once, as a counter point to his then girlfriend Jordan's opinion over his decision to leave JAG and return to flying. But, when Sarah had told him how she felt it hadn't made any difference, he left anyway.
Harm never showed that he felt anything for her, even when she was leaving to go to Paraguay. She knew he was upset that she hadn't come to see him while he was under arrest for Singer's murder; but she had been under direct orders from the Admiral – right or wrong. She couldn't even tell him why and she had been much more effective in helping from the outside anyway. But she knew that Harm couldn't understand it.
She had come to his apartment that last day dressed in that stupid pregnancy suit as a joke at first. In the back of her mind, Sarah was hoping that seeing her that way would give him a nudge in the right direction. Even though the Admiral was pressing her, she had not yet decided to go on the stupid mission with Webb. They the argument with Harm started. Harm didn't ask Mac not to go, he told her to stay. And not because he needed her or would miss her, but because the mission was dangerous. He said all the wrong things and all Sarah could hear was how incompetent he thought she was.
It was pretty ironic for a U.S. Marine, and completely unknown to those who thought they knew her, but Sarah hated conflict. Even though she was very effective at handling it she always ended up with a stomachache. Every time she and Harm began arguing that way, Sarah immediately felt like that little girl arguing with her drunken father. It made her feel like a powerless kid girl instead of the strong, competent woman that she was. She hated it. Every time she and Harm argued she had the overwhelming urge to run away, get away- just as she had to get away from her father to survive. So she ran out of Harm's apartment, and kept running all the way to Paraguay.
When Harm had come to rescue her from the hellhole that was Paraguay, all she had wanted to do was to bury herself in his arms and stay there forever. He had come for her- that must mean something. But once again, there was only an argument and the feelings she got from Harm. "What was he thinking? "Incompetent once again… shouldn't have gone on the stupid mission in the first place…knew she was screwing Webb."
For Sarah, things started spinning quickly out of control – the guns, the mission, Webb being hurt, the screaming, the blood, trying to escape. Throughout it all Sarah had to endure Harm's barbs and smug, "I told you so attitude." He never told her what he had lost to save her, or of how glad he was that she was alive – but had instead unleashed the full power of his resentment for what he had given up. For her. And for what?
The last straw was something that Sarah had never anticipated happening; the weird closeness that developed between herself and Clay. It wasn't really an attraction. They both experienced an overpowering need to be close to each other- not out of lust, but an intense need, bourn out of the brotherhood of the shared experience of surviving a traumatic incident. It wasn't something that Sarah had ever experienced before and if she couldn't understand it herself – she had been sure couldn't explain it to anyone else, especially Harm. Even if he had been listening, which he hadn't. Within two weeks of returning to Washington, the feeling had passed for her and Clay. Thank God they had stopped it before it had gone too far. They certainly hadn't slept together. Sara had spent a considerable amount of time trying to convince Harm that she was not seeing Clay, but Harm being Harm had assumed the worst after seeing that misplaced kiss in Paraguay and once he had been forced out of JAG had refused to take any of her calls.
Harm had eventually come back to JAG but every attempt to communicate that came after seemed to Sarah like just more bricks thrown on top of an ever unwieldy stack. Was it so surprising that it had had to topple at some point? Not with anger, but just with reality.
As Sarah continued to think about her relationship with Harm, she finally understood that neither one of them was to blame. She understood that she had wanted something that he was not prepared to give. Sarah mourned that night- not with the loss of a love, but the loss of what she has imagined her life was going to be. In reality, Harm had never promised her anything. She realized that it had been all her own doing by building her hopes and dreams on someone who clearly didn't want the same things…the same life that she did.
Sarah wanted a family and a real home and for years now she thought that Harm wanted the same thing, otherwise why make the long ago baby deal? Now it seemed that he had only waited until it was right for him and had then found his own family – leaving her behind.
For the first time in her life that night, Sarah stopped reacting to what life threw at her and began thinking about her choices. As night turned to morning, she stopped being a victim. Realization came that if anyone had left her behind, she was the one who had done it. She had left herself – the true Sarah behind.
Sarah glanced out of her window again, surprised to see a gray dawn. It was beginning to turn into a clear cold day, still chilly in Virginia in April. I hate the cold. Her swirling thoughts began to focus. I've never liked DC…it's so cold in the winter and the traffic is horrible…and as she looked around… I'm tired of this apartment…It's time.
These epiphanies coming to a final point, Sarah came to a decision. Nodding her head she turned off the lamp and headed toward the kitchen to make a pot of strong coffee. It was going to be a very long – but a much better day.
Saturday Morning 0600
Sarah's Apartment
Georgetown
After a long, hot shower, Sarah sat at her desk dressed in her most comfortable sweats. With her laptop open, she searched through various pages on the Navy's intranet site, until she found what she wanted. She downloaded all the required forms and filled them out, stopping with her hand over the key that would send them off to her commanding officer, General Cresswell. She stood up and walked into her bedroom. Coming back in about 15 minutes later, she was dressed in jeans and a sweater, feeling oddly that she should be wearing shoes to take this official step. Sarah's hand again hovered the cursor over the "send" key. Taking a deep breath, she clicked once, and then shut down her computer.
One week later, Saturday 1100 Hours
I-95 Southbound, just north of Fayetteville, NC
Sarah had been driving south for several hours. The route from DC to Richmond had been a little stressful, requiring quite a bit of concentration. Traffic in that area moved swiftly and, as always on I-95, the drivers were aggressive. As Sarah passed over the Virginia border into North Carolina, traffic opened up and she began to relax. Glancing at the fuel gage of her corvette, she saw that the car had dropped to nearly a quarter – full. Sarah decided that her own tank was nearing empty as well, so she took the next exit to refuel and grab some lunch.
After filling the corvette's tank, Sarah pulled into the adjacent parking lot of the Chicken 'n Bar-B-Q restaurant. Walking through the screened door of the white-framed building, Sarah inhaled happily. She loved southern food and had stopped here often on her travels through North Carolina. The restaurant was busy and the smell of fried chicken and pork BBQ wafted through the small open dining room, mixing with the sharp, tangy smell of the spiced vinegar BBQ sauce that sat in bottles on every table. She stepped up to the counter and ordered a "Combo White" (white meat chicken and BBQ). She paid for her lunch and sweet tea and took her tray to a table near the front window.
Sara was halfway through her lunch when an older woman carrying her own tray approached her. "Ma'am, do you mind share'n you table?" Sarah looked around to see that all of the other tables were full. "Sure, she said," moving her purse off of the other chair. "Oh, thanks," "I got to sit up here so I can see my dog." Sarah grinned at the woman's drawl, which had lengthened "dog" to "dawg." Looking out the window, Sara spotted a large spotted foxhound sitting in the front seat of a Ford pickup, parked in front of the large window.
"You're not from around here, are you? "
"How did you know?"
"You said, 'shuur' instead of 'shu'ah', the way we do here."
Laughing, Sara replied, "No, I'm from Washington, but I'm moving down to South Carolina."
1230 Hours
Along I-95
As much as she wanted to not think about the events of the past week leading up to the present, as the long drive stretched before her, the scenes replayed like the rerun of a television show …she thought that maybe she should have her own theme song…"you're gonna make it after alllll",
Flashback to the previous Monday
Jag Headquarters 0730
Sarah had been at work since 0600 packing up her office. She wanted to slip away with as little fuss as possible. She heard the elevator doors chime and knew that General Cresswell had arrived. "Good morning Colonel" The General called as he walked past her and into the break room to get his first cup of coffee. Sarah sat down behind her desk with her hands clasped and waited. The General had been back in his office for precisely 10 minutes and 3 seconds. Enough time, she calculated for him to have opened his e-mail. Sarah counted down, three, two, one, the General popped out of his office, looking squarely across at her through her open door. "Colonel, my office." Sarah got up and followed him into the inner office of the JAG. Sitting behind the massive desk, the Marine General leafed through the now printed version of the papers he just downloaded from his e-mail.
"Colonel, while I'm a little dismayed at your method," glancing up sternly at her over his reading glasses, "I've always thought a move was long overdone. I am surprised though. I thought you were pretty settled in here. Why now?"
Sarah took a deep breath, "I've just realized that I am stagnating here, Sir. I need a fresh start, new scenery…" She trailed off. "I realize that this seems a rash decision, but I've thought about it thoroughly, Sir. I really think this is the right move."
"It certainly will open up new opportunities for you. Legal Services at MCAS Beaufort needs an overhaul. As you know, we've not been doing well down there in getting along with the local D.A.'s office. I'm hoping that you will rectify that situation."
"Exactly my thoughts Sir. I do have some ideas that I'd like to try."
"Good, Colonel, I'll look forward to seeing the results." He looked back at the papers on his desk. "I suppose the invitation that you mention receiving last month to become an adjunct instructor at the Citadel makes it even more attractive?"
Smiling somewhat sheepishly, Sarah replied, "Last year after I was a guest speaker, the Citadel's Commandant told me that I would be welcome anytime. I was just flattered then, but I realized that teaching is something that I wanted to pursue. It's such a beautiful campus."
Nodding lightly, Cresswell tried to gage the seriousness of Mac's intent. He never thought she would be willing to leave the billet at JAG HQ while Commander Rabb remained. Well, what ever had happened, he knew the Colonel had made up her mind. "Transfer is immediate, after I sign. When would you be leaving?"
"I hope to leave on Saturday. I've already been making arrangements."
General Creswell put down his pen and handed Sarah the few papers that would help to change her life. He stood and put out his hand. "You're a fine officer. Good luck, Colonel."
With more military personnel being posted in D.C. than ever, Sarah was able to sublet her apartment immediately after posting a notice on-line. Still it was quicker than she had thought it would be. Used to moving, Sarah had a system and was a packing and apartment cleaning pro. After nine years, she had thought she was well settled into her apartment in the Georgetown area of D.C. It was sobering, however, just how few belonging she had acquired over the years and how little of that were things that she really wanted to keep. In the end, she sublet the Apartment furnished; only taking her personal belongings and clothes.
The President of the Citadel had been pleased that she had taken him up on the offer to teach. One of his instructors had taken a position at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. With the housing market on the down swing and with his family's own move having such short notice the professor and his wife decided to rent their Beaufort home with an option to purchase. Photos and information went singing across cyberspace and amazingly by that Tuesday, the new address of Marine Col. Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie was: 55 Hopetown Rd. Beaufort, SC.
It was hard for Sarah to say goodbye to the Roberts family. She kept it as brief and as matter of fact as possible. She had gotten a new billet, a command position at last – and in a much-desired area of the country. Of course she would miss Bud, Harriet and the kids, but they could visit. She was still attached to JAG and would likely be back in D.C. from time to time. Bud and Harriet did seem happy for her, although surprised, when she broke the news. Sarah could tell that Harriet especially, was nearly bursting to ask about Harm's reaction, but out of respect for her friend and superior officer, she kept quiet.
Harm didn't actually have a reaction to the news of Sarah's defection, since he didn't know anything about it. He had taken his teenage ward, Mattie Grace to visit his mother in California for that week. He was blissfully unaware of the events across the country that would change his life as well as Sarah's.