TITLE: DORK FORCES
AUTHOR: PadawanObiWan (Snoovakuk@aol.com)
SUMMARY: It's a humor story of how the Dark Jedi fron the Jedi Knight video game got started. It's not that funny, but it's my first fic ever. And someone might think it's funny If I ever right more they'd probably be Obi/Qui stories.
DISCLAIMER: I also don't own any thing Star Wars, it's all George Lucas' and Lucasfilms. I don't own Jedi Knight or any of the characters that's LucasArts'. I don't own any of the little things that I joke about in here like The Safety Dance, I don't own that. There's also a small parody of Moulin Rouge and I don't own Moulin Rouge either.
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The recently knighted Jedi, Qu-Rahn stands before the Jedi Council.
MACE: Do you know why you are here?
Rahn shakes his head "no".
YODA: Last night three Jedi left the temple.
RAHN: Who?
YODA: Know them you do. Jerec, Boc and Maw are their names.
RAHN: (a bit surprised) What?
YODA: Think we do that they went to search for the Valley of the Jedi.
RAHN: What is the Valley of the Jedi?
YODA: Ancient battleground where Jedi and Sith fought. In the end, trapped inside both were. One can harness their power and become unstoppable.
MACE: You must leave the Jedi Order and devote your whole life to finding the Valley and stopping Jerec from getting there.
RAHN: If the fate of the galaxy is in my hands… Then I will go! I will miss you all…
MACE: Yeah, yeah, we'll miss you too. Now go while the trail is still fresh.
YODA: And come back not until defeated the Dark Jedi are…
KI-ADI-MUNDI: How EVER long it takes.
RAHN: I will.
Rahn bows and exits. As the door closes behind Rahn, the Council members get up out of their seats and cheer. Streamers fall from the ceiling. "YAHOO HE'S GONE," "YIPEE," "FREE WE ARE" and similar cries of happiness are not heard by Rahn as he walks towards the lift…
The three Dark Jedi in their stolen Jedi ship are hovering above a small city on a random planet.
JEREC: He he, what do you think guys? Nukes or gas?
MAW: Gas… definitely.
JEREC: K… Here goes…
Jerec is about to press a button that will launch a missile of poisonous gas at the city but the annoying computer beeping stops him.
JEREC: Eh?
BOC: A ship is approaching.
MAW: They musta followed us all the way from Corosnaut!
JEREC: Arm the torpedoes! I am gonna blow him out of the sky!
Rahn sits in his cockpit daydreaming about how much everyone will be missing him at the Jedi temple when he notices a proton torpedo coming his way. He tries an evasive maneuver but gets his wing blown off and loses control.
RAHN: No way I'm dying this early in the story…
Rahn runs to the emergency escape pod.
Back on the Dark Jedi ship Jerec is sitting at the laser cannon getting Rahn's ship into his target. Maw and Boc are looking over his shoulder.
BOC: He he he! He is going to get blowed up!
JEREC: I have you now!
Rahn's ship is blown into oblivion no one sees the escape pod flying away from the explosion.
RAHN: I live to fight another day… To bad my pod is heading away from all civilized planets…
It is about five or so years later. The Dark Jedi are hovering above a random planet.
JEREC: So what do you think?
BOC: NUKES!
MAW: No use GAS!
JEREC: I'll use nukes…
A nuclear warhead falls to the planet and destroys a couple of cities. The Dark Jedi land and search around. After hours of searching and slaying survivors, they head back to their ship. Maw notices a durasteel sheet moving around. He picks it up and finds a little girl underneath.
MAW: Sigh… I keep telling you guys USE GAS! Nukes leave too many survivors.
Maw's lightsaber flies from his hand as the little girl uses a Force trick.
MAW: Hey… what?
The girl's eyes glow red and Maw's feet start catching on fire. Boc approaches him laughing.
BOC: Hey your feet are on fire!
Boc's feet catch on fire.
BOC: Hey MY feet are on fire!
The little girl runs right into Jerec.
JEREC: Hi little girl…
MAW: Let me have her, I'm going to kill her…
JEREC: No wait, she's strong in the Force…
MAW: So?
JEREC: She could join our cause!
MAW: Oh no, no little girl is going to be on same ship with Maw. No way.
An hour later Maw is sitting unhappily in a chair on the Dark Jedi ship. Jerec stand beside him.
JEREC: Come on Maw…
MAW: Fine but Little Girl gotta watch her back or she gonna get STOMPED.
"Little Girl" and Boc are playing a game of battleship. Boc's last ship is sunk and he gets angry.
BOC: ARGH! How come Little Girl sinks all Boc's ships and Boc no sinks any of Little Girls?
Little Girl smiles. Boc throws his battleship board.
BOC: Hate this game!
The board hits Maw right in the head.
MAW: OKAY! WHO HIT ME?!?!
Little Girl points at Boc, Boc points at Little Girl. No one notices the annoying computer beeping in the background.
MAW: (grabbing Little Girl by the hair) Das it! Yous getting' the BIG lashins now Little Girl!
JEREC: Come on Maw, it was just a harmless smack… (He smacks Maw in the back and Maw howls in pain) Like that!
BOC: (slugging him in the face) More like THAT!
JEREC: (Clubbing him in the head with his lightsaber) No more like THAT!
BOC: (Kicking him in the stomach) Actually more like THAT!
JEREC (igniting his lightsaber) Actually…
BOC: Hey computer is beeping!
Jerec and Boc run over to the computer.
MAW: Hmmm… Seems Maw and Little Girl are saved by same annoying computer… But you just remember that.
BOC: We are being boarded!
The doors open and Qu-Rahn steps in with his lightsaber in hand.
RAHN: TA-DA!
JEREC: WHO are YOU?!
RAHN (somewhat hurt): You mean… you don't remember me?
JEREC: er…no.
RAHN: Qu-Rahn? You used to push me around and call me names at the Temple.
JEREC: No…
RAHN: I'm Qu-Rahn, you blew up my ship a few years ago…
JEREC: I'm sorry, that doesn't ring any bells…
RAHN: Well take one good look at me Jerec, it's the last thing you'll see.
Rahn quickly spins around and slices out Jerec's eyes.
RAHN: A-HA!!!
Rahn grabs a plant in a flowerpot.
RAHN: A-HA!!!
He runs out the door with the plant.
JEREC: Ugh, that guy is GONNA DIE!!!
Rahn is now in the safety of his ship.
RAHN: Hehehe. I am bad… er, good.
About ten years later, the Dark Jedi ship is in orbit around the planet Iotas. Little Girl, who is now about fourteen or fifteen walks to Jerec's room.
LITTLE GIRL: Master, we've reached Iotas.
JEREC: Good…
LITTLE GIRL: Master, can I ask you a question?
JEREC: You just did.
LITTLE GIRL: No, I was wondering, why do we go to the Iotas festival every year?
JEREC: Because it's an annual festival.
LITTLE GIRL: But why do we go?
JEREC: Well, Little Girl, let me tell you a story about that… You see once upon a time Maw, Boc, and I went to the Iotas festival, and we had fun. We like going to it so we go. The End. Any complainers get destroyed.
LITTLE GIRL: Master, I know you get angry and kill someone every time I bring it up, but…
JEREC: No, you can't have a name. It's a big responsibility.
LITTLE GIRL: But what if I take really good care of it?
JEREC: Maybe when you're older… But you're still a little girl, Little Girl.
Jerec leaves.
LITTLE GIRL: I am NOT a little girl!
An Star Destroyer looms over the planet Iotas. Inside two fresh new lieutenants walk towards the Admiral.
ADMIRAL OZZEL: Ha, you must be my new lieutenants.
LIEUTENANT #1: Sure am, I'm Rinn Tendo.
LIEUTENANT #2: And I'm… KYLE KATARN.
The four Dark Jedi land are at the Iotas festival, Boc and Jerec hurry to the games. Maw here's a voice coming from the wrestling ring.
VOICE: Do YOOOOOOO think you have a chance at beating the Gargantuous Gorc? Then step right up.
Maw walks over to where the voice is coming from and sees a small orange fellow to whom the voice belongs.
MAW: I'LL fight 'im!
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: The betting is OPEN!
The crowd cheers and throws money into either a bucket labeled GORC or a bucket labeled CHALLENGER. Maw is extremely confident until he sees the large ogre that he's fighting against.
Little Girl is standing by Jerec who is trying to shoot a wooden cutout of a duck with a water gun…
LITTLE GIRL: Are you sure we're not just wasting our time here…
JEREC: Quiet Little Girl, I'm trying to win the Scooby-Doo doll, go bug Boc.
A clown walks over to Little Girl.
CLOWN: Want a balloon little girl?
LITTLE GIRL: Don't call me little girl…
CLOWN: Is somebody grumpy? Look at the sunny side of things! It's a beautiful day, little girl!
LITTLE GIRL: I never look on the sunny side of things, and if you call me little girl again…
CLOWN: Why don't you come up and do the Safety Dance with all the other kids, little girl.
LITTLE GIRL: No dance will save you now clown…
The clown is engulfed in flames and starts running around screaming HELP! All the children start laughing at him. Little Girl walks away but is stopped by two stupid-looking Imperial officers and two stormtroopers.
STUPID-LOOKING IMPERIAL OFFICER #1: Are you lost little girl?
LITTLE GIRL: No.
STUPID-LOOKING IMPERIAL OFFICER #2: Oh… Because WE ARE!
STUPID-LOOKING IMPERIAL OFFICER #1: I'm Lieutenant Rinn Tendo!
STUPID-LOOKIING IMPERIAL OFFICER #2: And I'm Lieutenant Kyle Katarn!
RINN: We're Imperials…
KYLE: …you may want to help us…
RINN: …because we can have you killed. We're looking for this character…
Lt. Tendo unwraps a dura-sheet with a massive ogre on it.
RINN: …a handsome giant named Gorc.
KYLE: Excuse me? Handsome?
RINN: Sorry Kyle, I forgot. You're the only man in my life…
KYLE: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?! THAT'S A LIE! YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP! I'M NOT GAY!!!
Everyone turns around and looks at him. Little Girl runs away but runs right into Qu-Rahn.
RAHN: Hi there little girl.
Little Girl activates her lightsaber.
RAHN: Oh… Dark Jedi, huh? Well put away you're weapon… I'm not here for you.
LITTLE GIRL: You're not?
RAHN: Nope, I'm here to find a, uh, Kyle Katarn. Have you seen him.
LITTLE GIRL (pointing): He's right down there…
RAHN: Oh, thanks, miss…
LITTLE GIRL: I don't have a name. Everybody just calls me "Little Girl." I'm starting to hate it…
RAHN: Mind if I give you a name? How about Sariss…
LITTL GIRL: Sariss? I don't know about that…
RAHN: Well you'll get a name soon enough, don't worry, be happy.
Rahn walks off and bumps into Boc.
RAHN: Oh, excuse me.
BOC: Eh? YOU!!!
RAHN: Oh, hello.
Rahn activates his lightsaber. Boc pulls out a double-blader.
BOC: Two blades are better then one, I think.
RAHN: I agree, but WHAT'S THAT?! (pointing behind Boc)
Boc turns around and Rahn hacks his saber in two and runs off.
RAHN: A-HA!
Boc looks at his broken weapon.
BOC: My sabers aren't going to work! And Maw is unconscious!
LITTLE GIRL: Don't worry, I'll get him.
Little Girl comes up behind Rahn.
RAHN: Sariss…
LITTLE GIRL: You do know I've been sent to kill you.
RAHN: But you won't.
LITTLE GIRL: There's a vegetable truck over there about to take off, I suggest you get on it.
RAHN: Thank you.
Rahn jumps into the vegetable truck and it takes off.
Little Girl returns to Boc.
BOC: Jedi… gets away?
LITTLE GIRL: He's to powerful to be stopped… by a little girl.
Jerec appears followed by Kyle Katarn and Rinn Tendo.
JEREC: Come on, we I have some dealing to do… with an empire.
Lieutenants Katarn and Tendo approach Admiral Ozzel on the deck.
LIEUTENANT TENDO: We have a surprise for you Admiral Ozzel!
ADMIRAL OZZEL: The giant?
LIEUTENANT TENDO: Better…
Jerec emerges, Admiral Ozzel jumps to the ceiling and shrieks like a little girl.
JEREC: Hiya Ozzie Pants! Why don't we go into your office and discuss business.
They go into his office and discuss business.
ADMIRAL OZZEL: What is that you want Luh-luh-luh-luh-Lord Jerec.
JEREC: My duh-duh-duh-demands are not small. But you will profit greatly from them. I will search and hunt down the great Jedi, Qu-Rahn. The Emperor has issued an order that all Jedi are to be killed. I can help. I'll kill Qu-Rahn, you'll get the credit and be in favor of The Emperor.
ADMIRAL OZZEL: For what?…
JEREC: In return for my services, I wish to have your largest Star Destroyer and an entire legion of troops.
ADMIRAL OZZEL: WHAT?! But that's impossible.
JEREC: Was that a "no"? Look me in the eyes and tell me "no".
Jerec begins to take off his glasses that he wears that hide his "eyes."
Jerec comes out a little later.
JEREC: Pleasure doing business with you Oozel, all right Boc, Little Girl, let's go find Maw.
They go back down to Iotas and find Maw, who just regains consciousness.
MAW: WOW! Hee hee! Wha-? Wha- Wha Happened?
About that time the same small orange fellow and the giant, Gorc are running right their way.
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: Help Us! Help Us! Hide Us!
Jerec notices the Imperial soldiers running after them.
JEREC: This way.
Minutes later after the soldiers pass the small orange fellow starts crying. Little Girl puts a reassuring hand on his back. Jerec and Boc watch the little orange fellow, Maw watches the giant Gorc who just stares stupidly.
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: OHNO! What are we going to do-oo? All destroyed! No place to go! Enemies of the state!
Jerec sensing their strong powers of the Dark Side of the Force replies…
JEREC: Why don't you join our cause… become a DARK JEDI!
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: What? I don't even know if I have what it takes to be a Dark Jedi!
JEREC: Let's see, do you believe in VENGEANCE?
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: Yes!
MAW: FEAR?
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: Yes!
BOC: GREED?
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: YES! YES! YES!
LITTLE GIRL: Power?
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: Oh! Above all other thing I believe in POWER! Power is like - is like…. OXEGYN! Power lifts us up where we belong, all you need is Power!
JEREC: You see… we can't be fooled… You are a DARK JEDIE!
SMALL ORANGE FELLOW: Hi, my name ish Pic! This is Gorc! We're twins.
LITTLE GIRL: er… twins?
PIC: Yep.
MAW: Uh… OK.
JEREC: Well great, you can all become members!
LITTLE GIRL: And me? Can I be a member too? Can I have a name?
JEREC: Sure, I'm in a good mood today.
LITTLE GIRL: Yipee!
JEREC: After you all get special member tattoos.
LITTLE GIRL: Tattoos?
JEREC: Yes tattoos.
Jerec pointed to the tattoos on his mouth. The same tattoo Boc then showed them on his foot. And Maw had on his arm. So awhile later, they were all at FREDDY'S TATTOO IN, "Done While You Wait."
FREDDY: There all done sir!
Freddy led Jerk to the new Dark Jedi members. Pic had gotten the tattoo on his stomach, Gorc's was on his head. And Little Girl's was on her back. Freddy then showed Jerk another guy named Bob with the Dark Jedi tattoo on his head.
JEREC: This guy wasn't with me.
FREDDY: Oops… He he. Sorry 'bout that.
After eating Mexican food they all went shopping at the Darth Mall.
JEREC: Yes, put it all on my Jedi MasterCard.
Then they went to their new Star Destroyer home.
JEREC: It's a beautiful ship. I think I'll call her VENGEANCE. And speaking of names, have you thought of one yet, Little Girl?
LITTLE GIRL: Sariss.
THE END