Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, probably never will be. It's just the product of my crazy imagination
A/N This was intended as a one-shot but after writing it, I figured it would be just as much fun to write a couple of Tony's secrets while they're acting them out. So who knows what might follow later? Unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine.
I never have been shy about sex. From the moment I discovered it, I figured it was better to ask and suggest than to lie there and wait for the girl I was with to magically find out what I like.
Besides, from my wide experience I can safely say that most women like it when I do that. They find it easier to open up about their wishes and desires as well and that made for many nights of little sleep and a lot of sex.
That's why I don't understand why I can't seem to unglue my jaw now when having sex. Or making love, because that's what it is. It's taken me a long time to even comprehend that I, womanizer extraordinaire, somehow had fallen for my badass marine boss, but it happened anyway and the day Gibbs told me he wanted me in more ways than just his second in command was one of the best in my life so far.
In our relationship, Gibbs is almost as demanding as he is on the job. Almost. I know he's toning it down, trying to make sure we are truly equals in this, but the truth is that in my mind we never will be. Not entirely. And that's exactly what I want. I don't want to be his equal in every sense of our relationship.
It's also what makes it so complicated, because how on earth do I tell someone trying so hard to make me feel loved and wanted and cherished and special that I wouldn't mind if he got into boss-mode at home regularly as well. Before we got together, I jerked off many of times just fantasizing about Gibbs forcing me to my knees and taking me from whatever side he wanted. About him tying me to the bed and spanking me until my ass was glowing before fucking me like there was no tomorrow. About him taking me to some club and having me right there because he wanted to, no matter if people were watching or not.
God, just thinking about it is getting me hard already.
It's not that I don't enjoy our sexlife. I do. Very much. I mean, how could I not when we usually get off twice or more every night we're together. On many occasions I have actually pondered checking the floor beside the bed to make sure my brain hadn't leaked out of my ear at some point. I probably would have if I could be bothered to move from the embrace I was locked in afterwards.
But even with all that totally hot sex, I kept having those fantasies. And while I'm the first to admit that some fantasies are best kept inside, because some are just too outrageous to even consider acting out, there are things I really want to try.
I might not live through seeing Gibbs in a leather outfit and him dominating me in ways he never has before, but God it would be a way to go.
Telling him is the biggest issue though. I mean, being open about your desires is all good but most of them so far have been of the vanilla type and pretty common. Maybe it's just me, but telling a one night stand type of woman you'd really would love to go down on her and make her scream is different from telling the man you love more than anything you want him to dominate you in every way he can think of.
Love makes vulnerable, apparently.
The worst a one night stand can do is refuse something, after all. In that case you either change your plan or get out and other than a bruised ego there's no harm done.
If I'd open up to Gibbs and share all this and he couldn't handle that, it would change things between us. And at this point I have no idea if that change would be the beginning of the end of us. I mean, he could like the idea but he could also look at me like I'm some sick pervert that he'd rather not be with anymore.
And losing him isn't an option. Anything's better than losing him.
I hear the lock of the front door click and the lack of sound right after tells me Gibbs is here. Inner struggle momentarily forgotten, I get up from the couch to greet him but before I get to the hall I hear his voice.
"Bedroom, Tony."
It's clearly gonna be one of those nights, I realize, and I turn on my heels and walk to the bedroom, broad smile on my face. The curtains are still open, one of the great things about living in an apartment with no neighbors close enough to peek inside, and the moonlight is giving the room a beautiful glow.
"Strip."
My cock jumps at the bossy tone in Gibbs' voice and even though he hasn't even walked into the room I'm quickly shedding my clothes and crawl onto the bed.
"Close your eyes, Tony."
Without a second thought I do as he asked and not entirely to my surprise I feel turned on beyond belief right now. I sit on the middle of the bed, cross-legged and hard and with my eyes closed. My breathing has become shallow when I hear someone, Gibbs, move in the room and shortly after the bed dips and I feel his hand against my back.
"Keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open them, got it?"
I can only nod, no idea what to say right now. I briefly think that's gotta be a first for me before I hear his voice again.
"Were you ever gonna tell me?"
I almost blink but remember just in time my eyes need to remain closed. My mind is racing though, as is my heart.
"Tell you what?"
A slightly exasperated sigh sounds close to my ear. "Haven't you figured out by now that I know you inside and out?" he asks, fingers caressing the small of my back and not touching me anywhere else. "Don't you think I know you need this? Want this? That the ten years you've worked for me told me everything I needed to know about you before making you mine?"
I swallow, my head spinning by now as I tried to comprehend if he actually said what I hope he said. A soft chuckle close to me makes goose bumps arise all over me.
"Wasn't sure you really wanted this," he continues, not explaing what "this" was. My gut tells me he's talking about the same thing I was thinking about earlier though. I remain silent as he keeps talking. "Wasn't even sure I wanted this. But now you sit here like this, all ready to do whatever I tell you to..." He sucks in a breath. "Yeah, I want this."
"Gibbs?" Damn my voice sounds squeaky. Instantly that strong hand rubs circles on my back, grounding me and soothing me all at once.
"So here's the deal," he says, as if I hadn't said a word. "You are gonna sit here with your eyes closed, just like you are now, and you're gonna tell me each and every one of those secrets you've been keeping. Those dark fantasies you buried somewhere deep inside." His voice drops a little and even with my eyes closed I know I'm hard as a rock by now. God, I swear I could come just from sitting here listening to him like this.
"And once you told me all those things you dreamed about, every single one you jerked off to, I'm gonna tell you how much I want to do all those things to you." His lips are so close to my ear now I think I can feel them but it might be his breath instead. "Because I know what you want, Tony. And I want that too. But I have to hear you say it first. I gotta be sure you're doing this because you want it, not because you want to please me."
Another one of those hoarse chuckles follows. "Although pleasing me will be something you'll do anyway."
I doubt I've ever felt more vulnerable ever before in my life, but at the same time I feel more loved than ever before. Gibbs, the goddamn center of my universe, just told me he knows. That he understands and wants the same. And although it still feels scary and somewhat humiliating to let someone look that deep into my soul, I know with a certainty I never felt before with someone else, that every single one of those fantasies and desires and secrets will be safe with him. Gibbs won't betray me. He loves me and will keep me safe.
The moment that truth really hits home, I lean against his chest and feel both arms come up around me, holding me close and resting his chin on my shoulder as he shifts so he's leaning against the head board with me between his legs. He's fully dressed still but it doesn't matter. Nothing seems to matter right now.
Slowly, with long pauses and a lot of blushing and fumbling for words, I start talking. It's easier like this, with my eyes closed and my back to him. It's easier to not look him in the eyes, those piercing blue eyes I love so much. Yet it feels just as intimate, if not more.
After the first few moments it gets easier though, and with no other sound from Gibbs than some encouraging murmurs whenever I need them, I get it all out. Every single one of them, up to the most ridiculous and humiliating ones I've got. Once I'm done, really done, he tightens his hold around me. "Look at me."
God, opening my eyes really is hard right now, but I follow his lead and open them, blinking a bit before turning around so I can look at his face. The love I see in his eyes nearly floors me and I suddenly have to fight to keep the tears at bay.
"I'm so proud of you," he whispers. "It takes a strong and brave guy to open up like that."
A soft kiss is pressed on my forehead. "Thank you, Tony."
I know we're not done talking. I know we have to discuss what we can and can't handle, boundaries, limitations, all that stuff. But for now I'm just content to sit here in his arms, feeling safe and loved and completely accepted. So while I'm hoping for some very intense experimenting later, right now this is exactly where I want to be.
End.