It's cold. Too cold for LA. I cross my arms in front of my chest, cursing the fact that I had to run out of the bar on a night like this. I can't go back in. Not now. At this point, I'm not even tempted by all the liquor in there, so clearly I screwed up big time.
It's Jess' birthday and all I wanted to do was surprise her. Show her how much I care about her, and how important she is to me. We've been together almost 5 months, but if I want to be honest, and well, I need to be at this point, especially after what just happened...then I'm going to have to admit that I've really been with her for over 2 years. Because from the moment she moved into 4D with us, it's Jess that's had my heart.
She's crazy, and sweet, and sexy...and by some strange miracle, she's actually mine now.
Things were finally going my way, and then I had to go and screw things up.
I hear the door open and shut, and before I can get my bearings, she's standing in front of me. All bright blue dress and sparkling blue eyes. Why does she have to wear a dress like that tonight? The one that makes her eyes look more amazing than ever. Eyes that look right into my soul every damn time.
Eyes that should scream at me that I'm not good enough for her.
Just like Bob did not thirty seconds ago.
She has a frown across her face, still looking so damn beautiful I want to scream. She crosses her arms in front of her chest, now mirroring my own stance and I can see the little hairs standing up on her arms from the goosebumps. Instinctively, I reach out and rub my hands up and down her bare skin and she can't resist breaking her stern expression into a smile. Do I do that to her? God, please let me always make her smile like that.
The smile is short lived, because she's scowling at me again, only this time, it's more sadness than anger. I can see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes and again I'm screaming inside. How is she this goddamn beautiful and how much longer do I have until I wake up from this perfect dream I've been living?
She's speaking softly to me now, and her voice makes my heart ache.
"I'm so sorry, Nick."
"Don't be. I deserved it." I just sigh and try to salvage something out of this horrible night. This night that I tried so hard to make perfect for her. "Happy Birthday, Jess."
She leans in to hug me and I'm overwhelmed with emotion once again.
I just ruined her party and she's still here in my arms.
I want to run away from here. Take her somewhere warm and quiet, just the two of us, and kiss her senseless. It doesn't help that her hair is pulled back off her face in exactly the same way as when we drove off to Mexico together, and now my heart is just screaming "all in" for an entirely different reason.
I've never told her how I feel.
Not really.
Not the way I should. Not the way she deserves.
I've kept my true feelings close to my heart. Guarded.
I want to tell her. It actually physically hurts that I haven't. But I have this fear. I know that once I do, that's it. I can't ever imagine not having this woman in my life, so I have to be ready. I have to be ready for everything when I tell her.
I'm not sure I am. Certainly not the way she deserves.
Because Jess is the one. She's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that. I've known it for a long time now.
I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough for her to spend the rest of her life with ME. Not yet.
Her thin arms are wrapping around my waist and I can't help but get sucked into this little world we seem to have when we're together. Her silky soft hair is brushing against my neck and she smells like strawberries and her favorite Rose that I bought just for tonight. I know she's upset. I know she's crying, because I can feel her tears soaking through my thin black shirt. My hands start to roam over her back. She's so warm and soft under my fingertips and I feel like crying too.
I was an idiot in there. It's her birthday, and I, being my stupid Nick Miller self, had to get in a fight with her dad. He just makes me so furious that sometimes I can't control my anger. Mostly it's because I know he's right, but even more so because HE knows that I know he's right.
It pisses me off.
Because I'm trying. Really trying. Because this woman in my arms right now? She's the only reason my life makes any sense.
She pulls back and looks at me with those piercing blue eyes and I'm lost. I try to smile, but all I can think about is how I've ruined her day. Maybe her life, just by being in it.
Stupid Nick Miller, the stupidest of all the stupid boys.
"Nick?"
I reach up to run a thumb across her cheek, catching the tears as I go and I smile down at her. I can't resist. Because no matter what just happened back there, I'm still lucky enough to have her here with me. It's cold and dark, but with her, everything is always so much brighter. So you better believe she's going to know how grateful I am that she's mine and maybe, maybe she can forgive me for screaming at Bob just now.
Her expression drops again. "I'm sorry about my dad, he...he's being an idiot."
I just shake my head at her. "I'm sorry I ruined your birthday. It's not what I wanted to happened. I wanted everything to be perfect for you. I always screw things up."
"Nick, NO. Tonight was amazing." She stands on her toes and kisses me softly. "You're amazing. Thank you."
I'm just staring at her, baffled, when she starts to nervously bite her lip. My heart starts to race, because she has to know how that drives me absolutely crazy and her arms are around my neck now, her amazing smell filling my senses.
God, I...
That's when my thoughts get all jumbled because her words jar me into this alternate reality where suddenly everything seems possible.
"I love you."
I freeze just then, because I'm not sure if I really just heard Jess correctly. The night is so quiet around us that it's as if all the sound and air just got sucked right out of this moment.
This moment I'm not sure I'm actually living.
She's staring at me and I'm staring at her, and I think I forgot to breath, because suddenly my chest begins to burn.
That's when she starts to smile again, and I know I'm not dreaming because she repeats her words a second time. It's this breathy whisper wafting through the cool night air like some sort of song only I'm supposed to hear.
"I love you, Nick."
I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, that I just grab her waist and bend down to kiss her. It feels so right and good, and I'm dizzy with a million sensations as her mouth chases mine and her nails are scratching my neck and my fingers tangle in her hair. Then she's laughing, and I start laughing, her lips smiling against mine.
She pulls back with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. That look that I love from the woman I...
My expression falls and I swallow hard, because I haven't said it yet, have I?
She looks at me in that moment and I know. I know that it's time. Time to say what I've been wanting to say for far too long.
Because this is it.
This is my future.
Jess is the one.
I take her face in my hands and press a soft kiss to her lips, with all the affection and promises of an amazing future behind it.
"I love you, too."