The Plot Bunny attacked me today. I was only maimed and seriously injured - not killed.
DISCLAIMER - I do not own the Turtles or anything associated with Lady Gaga. If I did, the universe would probably not survive.
"An' it better be clean, Raph, or I'll tell Splinter. I mean it. Micromanagement is my middle name," Raph spat in a high-pitched imitation of Leo. "Friggin'...stupid..."
He was trying to scrape a mysterious substance (which vaguely resembled food of some kind) off the floor in his room with a large metal spatula. "Mikey put this here las' week. I oughtta brain 'im."
He continued muttering to himself until he heard music from Mikey's room, which was adjacent to his.
I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas Plays
Fold 'em let 'em hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)
Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart
"Mikey, turn that crap off!"
"Dude, I can't!" came the muffled reply. "It's Poker Face! You know it makes you wanna dance!"
"It makes me wanna throw up! Turn it off!"
For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, just as Raph was about to go cave his brother's head in, the music stopped.
"Are ya happy now? Now that you've ruined all my fun? Huh, Raphie?" Mike asked, in the pitiful little voice he used whenever he wanted something.
He didn't bother answering.
Later on, they were meditating. Or trying to, at least.
Donnie and Leo are good at this. How do they do it? What's the big secret?
Raph continued along this train of thought until it began to fade. Then, suddenly, something else crept in...
Oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I got
Huh? What is this?
Curious, he listened to the song in his head.
Oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I got
What IS this?
Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my...
POKER FACE?
He tried to change the song to something more grungy and less Mike-ish, but Poker Face stuck despite his best efforts.
I'm gonna kill Mikey. I'm gonna rip his arms off and shove 'em up his-
"Raph?"
He opened his eyes to find Leo crouching in front of him with a worried expression.
"What?" He looked up at the clock. He looked back up at Leo.
"You've been here for two hours. Two. Hours."
"Uhh, yeah, um, I needed some more... time... meditatin'?"
The older brother didn't look convinced, but let it go anyway. After all, who was he to deny Raph some extra meditation?
That afternoon, Mikey and Don went head-to-head in a Dance Dance Revolution competition.
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun, oh...
Raph mentally slapped himself for humming along with the game. How was he supposed to maintain his dignity if he was singing anything by Lady Gaga? He doubted he could preserve any kind of image if he kept this up.
"Can't read mah, can't read mah, no he can't read my... Hey Don? Do you like pepperoni or sausage better on pizza?"
"Mikey... trying to concentrate..."
"Come on. Open your eyes if you like pepperoni better. Close them if you like sausage."
But Donnie had stopped.
"Aw, YEAH! Don, I'm kickin' your shell here, what are you even doing to fail that bad..." He trailed off as he, too, heard the gruesome sound of Raph singing.
Raph looked up. "What?" he snarled.
"Y-you..."
"You were..."
A strange light began to play around Mikey's eyes. "Oh boy, a closeted Gaga fan. What are we gonna do with you, Raph?"
The youngest brothers barely evaded the cushions thrown at them before exiting the room.
They got back in from their patrol at about 2:00 AM. Nobody had sustained any major injuries (which was absurdly lucky and extremely rare) and, even more incredible, nobody had mentioned Lady Gaga. Raph fully intended to take advantage of the fact that his brothers seemed to have forgotten the incident earlier in the day.
He had no memory of how they got back to the lair or how he ended up asleep in his hammock - all he knew was that five hours later, the SONG was suddenly playing. And it sure was loud.
He looked up at the door, which was being pushed open by Mikey. Behind his youngest brother was a girl he'd never seen before. She looked strangely familiar.
When she was through the door, she started singing...
I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas Plays
Fold 'em let 'em hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)
Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart
"What? You brought Lady Gaga in here?"
"Yeah, dude. She says she's your biggest fan," answered Mikey, totally serious. Then he joined in.
Oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I got
Raph growled and launched himself at Lady Gaga, who was waltzing across his room with Donnie in a dress made of meat.
Oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh oh
I'll get him hot, show
him what I got
He went right through her. "WHAT?"
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's gotta love nobody)
"MIKEY GET OUT OF HERE NOW OR I SWEAR I WILL CATCH THAT FREAK AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH HER!"
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's gotta love nobody)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"AAAGH!" he yelled as the hammock dumped him on the floor. His eyes shot open, he jacknifed to his feet, and he looked around, bewildered. Where did Lady Gaga go? And why was the clock...
He stared at the alarm clock in horror; it was playing the song. Snatching a sai from the floor next to him, he threw it with deadly force at the offending machine, which smashed into a hundred pieces. Then he heard laughter and turned to see who it was.
Mikey and Donnie were on their shells by the door, laughing violently. Leo was still upright, but shaking so badly that he couldn't stay that way for long.
Raph picked up the sai next to him and silently crossed the room to retrieve the one he had thrown. Stonefaced, he stabbed them into his belt and turned to face his brothers.
Mikey's laughter stopped abruptly. "Erm, Donnie..."
Don was still laughing uproariously.
"Donnie, we need to get outta here..."
Leo barely managed to drag his youngest brothers from the room and slam the door shut before an angry Raph rammed into it. He winced at the language tearing from his brother's throat and the sound of the door's hinges rattling.
Don finally stopped laughing. "Oh, jeez, that was FUNNY. We have to do that again."
"Heh, only if you have a death wish," said Mikey. "How long do you think it'll take him to figure out that he can't bust through that door?"
"About two more seconds. We should probably ru-"
He was cut off by a shell in his face as the chaos ensued.
HEY LOOK another oneshot. These are my favorite things to do, for some reason. I'll update other stuff at some point, but you can always count on oneshots from me at random times.
Reviews and concrit are always welcome. Also, I might not have gotten those lyrics right, so correct me if they're wrong. And I don't hate Lady Gaga or anything - I just can't see Raph enjoying her stuff very much.