"Watch this," I said, smiling at Ren briefly and turning back toward the empty, rumbling train track. I took a deep breath, feeling my heart flutter nervously.
"What, are you just going to let it hit you?" I heard Ren ask incredulously, a hint of nervousness in his voice as well. He believed, deep inside, that I was capable of suicide. That thought gave me a newfound courage.
"Maybe," I answered, truly believing my answer. I finally saw the train turning the corner. The metal tracks under my feet began to vibrate, my stomach doing anxious flip flops. Was I really going to do it? I kept my eyes trained on the blinding yellow headlights. Suddenly, I had a flashback.
It was about a week after the car accident, after Bobby's ruined body had been cremated. I was in my bedroom, sitting at my window and staring blankly at the plump, yellow moon. My hero's death still didn't feel real. I plodded down the stairs, a distant look on my face. I entered the living room where Bobby's urn had taken the space my mother's favorite china vase usually occupied. I walked toward it, and stared.
It was a beautiful urn; it was porcelain and covered in black designs. Bobby would have liked it. It gleamed in the moonlight that had pooled from the window into the room. I reached out slowly and held my fingers millimeters from the urn, paralyzed with fear. Fear of what, I still didn't know.
Finally, breath held tight against my chest, I brushed my fingers lightly against the cool surface. I instantly recoiled, my fingers burning as if they had been scalded by a white hot fire.
It took me a little while to get up the courage to touch the urn again. I gathered it hesitantly into my arms and sat in Bobby's favorite armchair. Then I broke. I cried and cried, clutching the urn, refusing to let Bobby go. I must have cried myself to sleep, because I had a dream. Bobby was walking with me on a bridge, and we were just talking. Talking about random things, like the weather and school. However, when we neared the end of the bridge, Bobby stopped me.
"You can't go beyond this point, Ree ree," he whispered, a sad smile on his face.
"NO!" I yelled, clutching him to me, looking into his eyes desperately. "Don't leave me here! Take me with you!"
He glanced at the end of the bridge, and his 4 friends that were in the car with him smiled and waved.
He turned back to me, his face solemn. "Listen to me Ariel. Are you listening?"
My lip quivered dangerously, but I nodded.
"In time, you WILL join me here," he said softly. "But until then, you must PROMISE me that you will never do anything that will get you here quicker than God plans for you to, all right?" His voice had gotten so strong and his eyes so fierce and his grip so tight on my arms that my lip had stopped quivering.
I hesitated. I didn't know what he meant, but whatever it was, I thought that it must have been important. I nodded rapidly. His smile returned.
"All right Ree ree," he whispered, the sad smile back. He hugged me tightly. "See you soon."
This all went through my head in a couple seconds. I knew that this was what Bobby was talking about. I was being stupid. I needed to get off the tracks. Didn't Daddy always say that people who commit suicide go to Hell? However, the thought of Daddy made a surge of anger fire within me. Screw him. Screw this world. I hate it here anyway.
I heard Ren say something right next to me, but I didn't hear. All I saw was the train coming closer and closer. Was this too much? Was my life worth it, just to show some rebellion against Daddy and Bobby? Bobby. Bobby. I closed my eyes feeling elated but numb, and heard the train honking, Ren yelling, my heart pounding, my hands sweating, my breath stopping, the train coming closer, the heat of the light against my red eyelids-
Suddenly, I felt a strong, warm object pummeling into my side painfully. I yelped softly, feeling the wind rushing out of my lungs. The bright light was gone, and it took a little while to register what had happened. I was pinned on my back, a warm body encasing me like a cocoon, rough and calloused hands gently holding my wrists down. I realized that I was panting hard and my face was sweating like crazy. My shirt was getting slightly wet from the damp ground.
My eyes adjusted, and the first thing I saw was Ren's beautiful, scared eyes about two inches from my face. He was panting like crazy too. His hot breath against my cheek smelled like peppermint. His gaze was locked on my eyes, his eyes so intense and unbelieving. I glanced at his lips, his oh so kissable lips, and back at his eyes. Something in me snapped. I realized three things. One, Bobby was right. I was better than suicide. I was being selfish. Two, I owed Ren my life. Three, I was falling in love with Ren McCormack.