What we were
Warnings: This fic will contain slash. But not any type of slash. It will have the yummilicious type of slash that only pairings such as Remus x Sirius can induce. Be warned.
Summary: A disordered collection of Remus' memories of Sirius Black over the years.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Really.
Author notes: This is the first part of what will hopefully become a series. I hope you enjoy reading it. (:
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I.
"Sirius?" a voice resounded around the walls of the small room, but the addressed figure did not look up from his hunched position. Gloomy grey eyes, devoid of any life, were drilling holes into the scratched wooden flooring with a sharp gaze. Remus could barely see what he knew were pale, sunken features, but it was not only because of the dim light. Flowing black hair that was painfully much longer than a happy Sirius would have let it grow into fell in the way to obscure a proper view. Remus' felt his fingers twitch as he resisted the temptation to push the strands away and bring up the face of the other to look into his. Instead, he sat near, but not close to, the other man and asked the only thing he could.
"What's wrong?"
A dull, humorless laugh was the first answer he received, before Sirius said quietly, "What's wrong? You did not fail in amusing me, Moony."
Remus, however, was not at all in the mood for such things himself. He sighed and rephrased his meaning, "Correction: what is bothering you now?"
"Again, you—"
"Sirius," Remus suddenly snapped, knowing what he was about to get for a reply, "You know very well what I mean."
For a short while, no response was heard. Remus was contemplating leaving his—what was Sirius to him anymore? What were they anymore? Friends? Ex-lovers? Reunited soul-mates with new differences? Or were they nothing significant at all, each merely using the other when in need of comfort or for convenience?— well, leaving the other alone when Sirius spoke in a choked whisper, his body tense.
"I don't remember."
Confusion engulfed Remus.
"What are you—?"
The worn out werewolf stopped mid sentence when Sirius sprang to his feet, unshed tears glittering in the moonlight behind his dark lashes. Remus distinctly realized that he must have uttered something wrong, if it been the cause of the last straw for the other man to break. Oh god, now Sirius was glaring at him. His eyes held pain and what could have been offense that the other occupant of the room failed to collect meaning from a sentence that, to him, must have been like pouring out his heart and soul.
"That's just it, Remus!" his voice was fragile and shook with underlying emotion, "I don't remember. The thoughts that have held all that was important were wrenched-forcefully-out-of-me" his teeth were gritted as he said the last five words, "Part of the most precious things that is all I have left from such a damned existence is no longer there." He moved forward and dropped at his knees in front of the nonchalant listener, taking his hands into a firm grip. "I don't remember Lily, Remus. I don't even remember James. I don't remember how they used to be like. I don't remember their wedding or how exactly I met my new-born godson." His voice was getting more urgent as he spoke. "I don't remember many things of my life back at school, and after. Remus, I hardly remember us."
There was a smacking noise and Sirius recoiled, his hand flying up to his stinging cheek. His body shook with adrenaline and exasperation as finally he allowed for his tears to run down his cheeks and neck to his collar in little rivulets.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" he roared, much like a little child who was wrongly accused. His hands now moved to clutch at his hair in a death grip as his face scrunched up in aguish. When this didn't succeed in bringing forth a proper reaction from the golden-eyed man, he turned on his heel and left, banging the door shut behind him. Remus didn't even blink. He sat there, exterior as emotionless as it had been a minute ago when he had unjustly slapped Sirius. But his insides were too much of an emotional turmoil for there to be space for guilt.
For the first time ever, Remus truly realized the depth of what being imprisoned in an earthly hell had done to Sirius. He had known that the dementors had affected the black-haired man's memory, but he had not known it was this bad. His mind wandered to remind him of all the moments they had shared together when younger—the happiest moments of their miserable lives—and brought him to realize that now, these did not mean to Sirius what they meant to him. As his own emotions spilled forth silently in the form of liquid agony, Remus wished that he, too, would forget.
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