Prologue:
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be like this. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. But it was like this. And no matter how much I wished it wasn't, nothing was going to change how my entire world got turned upside down. Nothing could take back the loss, the confusion, the secrets, or the pain. It was apart of me now and always would be.
I sometimes wonder how it came to this point. How had things changed so much that I didn't even recognize myself anymore? I didn't have an answer then and I didn't have one now. It's just something that was how it was. Something I had to adjust to and embrace like family. But that concept was another obstacle I was still struggling to overcome. It was a hurdle I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get over. I had been stuck in my anger and sadness for so long that I had put up walls around my heart to keep almost everyone out, including family.
Although I don't know if I could consider Sam Uley my family, even though he was.
He was the older half brother that I barely knew about and vice versa. He wasn't in my life and I wasn't in his life. Until now that is. Even though we had the same father, Sam and I hadn't really ever been around each other all that much. We had seen each other maybe twice in my entire 17 years, so we were basically strangers. All I knew about him was what I knew about myself. Our father had left him and his mother when Sam was really young. And then when I was 5, our father did the same to me and my mother. So Sam and I had that in common, but that didn't make me like him more. In fact, I hated him. To this day, I'm not quite sure why. Maybe, it was because, even though Sam knew about me and knew where I was, he never tried to find me. He never tried to know me or even show that he cared. He had a sister out in the world and yet he seemed determined to pretend that I didn't exist. That is before everything changed once again.
After my father abandoned my mother and me, it had been just the two of us most of the time. My mother did her best to provide for me and that usually meant working double shifts at whatever job she had at the time. I was left alone at our tiny apartment to fend for myself until my mother got home. It was tough living that way. I didn't have family around or many close friends, so I quickly got used to being alone. And shortly after I turned 17, I really got used to being alone.
I never really thought of what the future would be like and I never thought that I would be facing that future without my mother by my side. But that's exactly what happened. One day I had her with me and the next day she was gone. I remembered every detail of that last day. She had left early one morning to go to work, so early that it was still dark out. I had been sitting at the kitchen table doing a report for school and drinking tea when she walked in the room in her favorite navy blazer and matching skirt. She had hugged me goodbye and said she loved me. And that was the last time I saw her. When she didn't come that night, I called her friends to see if she had forgotten to tell me she was going out with one of them. And when no one had seen her, that's when I felt a ball of ice settle in my stomach. Something was wrong, I could feel it. And before I could even report it to the police, the doorbell rang and there were two cops standing there. And before they even opened their mouths to speak, I knew they were going to say that she was dead. I could see it their eyes. And I was right. My mother's body had been found in an open field by some apartment complexes. She had been shot twice in the chest and once in the face and then dumped out in the open. No one knew who had done it and the police had no leads. The day had begun with life and ended in death. Nothing would ever be the same and I was forever changed by my mother's death. My world had gone dark after that day.
After her death, I had stayed in our apartment with one of her friends while funeral arrangements were made. I somehow was able to make it through school, using it mostly as an escape from my thoughts. But when the day came to lay her to rest, I found that nothing could have stopped my thoughts. Trying to ignore it was the worst thing I could have done. Because when I was standing there looking down at her closed coffin, all of the pain that I had kept at bay hit me all at once. And yet couldn't find the will to let myself cry. I felt the pressure gathering behind my eyes, wanting to be let out But it didn't. So all that emotion was boiling within me and I didn't know how to let it out. So I just stood there, dressed in black and stared blankly at the ground. It wasn't until the cemetery was emptying and I was being ushered towards a car that I looked up and locked eyes with my brother.
Sam had been standing at the back of the crowd while the funeral had been going on. I never even noticed he was there until the very end when he had walked over and embraced me. I didn't know how to react. I had barely seen Sam at all since knowing I had a brother, and here he was hugging me at my mother's funeral. So I just stood there with my arms at my sides until he pulled back. I don't how he knew about today or who had contacted him, but there he was Absent from my life until today. Never visiting, or calling or even writing. Only showing up when tragedy struck. Great timing Sam.
I hadn't wanted to stick around to hear him talk but he ended up following me back to the apartment and I didn't have a choice but to listen. Sam had heard about my mother's murder when one of her friends had found his number amongst her belongings and called him. And after talking with his fiancee, Sam had arrived here to tell me that I was going to be moving to Washington to live with him. Being as that I had no family and no way of supporting myself, I didn't really have much of a choice. But that didn't stop me from hating the idea and then hating Sam himself. I didn't even say anything and just got up and went to my room where I locked myself in there for the next 24 hours. I wasn't ready for things to change again. I wasn't ready to just pick up and leave the apartment I had lived in most of my life. But when Sam had left to return home and my mom's friend had come back to stay with me, I knew it was real. The only bright spot was that this friend was willing to stay with me for the next few months while I packed and shipped my things and said goodbye to the few friends I knew here in Baltimore. I knew I wouldn't keep in touch and that was fine with me. I didn't want any part of my old life coming with me.
But there were a few things that I couldn't leave behind me. Some things I couldn't out run. These things were always going to be with me. They were as natural to me as breathing was. Natural as it was to rise my arm. But to the outside world, it was scary, witchy, crazy. I wasn't normal by any means. I never had been. Maybe that's why I never had many friends growing up. They were never the type of people who I could tell this to. They were understanding to a point, but when it came to things outside the realm of normal, I knew if I were to tell them what I could do, then they would drop me like a hot potato. So I never said anything. I never told anyone. Not even to my mother. Although sometimes I think she suspected something wasn't quite right with me. But i never confirmed it. I felt even she wouldn't understand. I didn't want to tell anyone.
And I doubt I ever would. I had to move forward with my life. And that began with moving to Washington and facing my brother.