UP-CHUCKS
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can crack a walnut with his eyelids.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris' character is called walker because he doesn't need to run, and enjoys the building fear as he walks after his prey.
Chuck Norris owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
Chuck Norris has never hit a man in a fight. He has also never lost a fight. He points at his foot and his opponent lays on the ground.
Chuck Norris never retreats. He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
Macgyver can build a plane with gum and paper clips. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Do you know why babies cry at birth? It's because they know they are being born into a world with Chuck Norris in it.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee was trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris, thus completing the circle.
There was only one man to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking. He got what he deserved.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity- twice.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
When Chuck Norris fell out of a boat, he didn't get wet, the water got Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris declined an invitation to join MENSA because he would have to lower his mental level.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds' population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
While taking the SAT, write 'Chuck Norris' for every answer. You will score over 8000.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded with, "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris doesn't use numb-chucks,he chucks them away and uses Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris' blood doesn't drip, it runs from him.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris challenged Stephen Hawkins to a game of tic tac toe and won in two moves.
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Freddy Kruger is afraid to fall asleep, for fear he'll have nightmares of Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to arm wrestle... that person is now known as Captain Hook.
The Universe is not expanding. It is running away from Chuck Norris.
Once Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands, now they are just called the Islands.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Devil is just too afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
In the Beggining there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris round-house kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
Santa isn't really magical, Chuck Norris throws him down the chimney.
Chuck Norris can beat Kasporov in a game of chess using only one pawn.
Some people wear Superman pajamas.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, 'Now.'
Chuck Norris doesn't wear boots. His feet are made of boot material.
Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Jeronimo jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "CHUUUUCCCKKK NNNNOOOORRRIIIISSSSSS!!!!!"
When Chuck Norris jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, 'Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole bunch of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris.'
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he didn't want to make a documentary.
Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys. the cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore. the first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."
The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."
Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.
Chuck Norris actually died a while back.
Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 45 minutes, he spent the first 35 banging the waitress.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris invented the car in order to give his victims the impression they could escape him.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real.
It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris email address is .
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Some people wear Superman Underwear, Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.
On the other hand, Chuck Norris wears no underwear.
Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."
Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail.
When Chuck Norris was a kid his parents took him to a beach in Georgia. While swimming Chuck Norris pants came down and out popped Florida.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.
Chuck Norris's urin is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.
God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.
It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.
Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris had never escape from jail. Jail escapes from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Do you know why the Earth's spinning ?
Because Chuck Norris is running on it.
Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.
If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
Chuck Norris invented water.
The following is a short list of what Chuck Norris cannot do: the end.
Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris jumped the grand canyon....longways.
Chuck Norris won a gun fight with a knife...
Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.
When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat. The weights do.
Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.
Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco.....
Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.
Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.
Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer...
...sadly he never cries....
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris once broke the land bike speed record with a bike with a lost chain and a missing back wheel.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Do you know why God is called "God"?
Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Once while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine.
We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.
When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord. He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.
The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When Chuck Norris does a push up he does not push up, he pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris can win THE GAME.
Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.
God said let there be light.
Chuck Norris said say please.
Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can get a Black-Jack with one card.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
When Chuck goes into outer space his head doesn't pop, space pops around his head!
Chuck Norris only gives one Xmas present. He allows you to live.
If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.