"I can't lose her Jim", I held her tight, her tears muffled against my shoulder,
"I can't hold her, can't hold our baby, and have her taken away. I'm not strong enough",
At that I took her by the shoulders gently and lifted her chin to look at me, I saw her sparkling blue eyes overflowing with sadness,
"Look here Shamus, you are the strongest woman I know. You were always your own knight in shining armour. All those years when we were out chasing mysteries, you saved yourself – when Brian, Mart and I had to contemplate losing you, you always pulled through, even when it seemed impossible. You found a way to save yourself; and our daughter has got that same determination and strength from her Mum. We always followed your hunches, and guess what Trix, I have a hunch too. Our daughter will make it. She'll be home with us for Christmas",
The tears spilled over her cheeks but I saw a fire light underneath them, "Our baby, Christmas at Crabapple Farm, together" I heard her whisper and pulled her in tight again.
"That's right Shamus, all together, you, me, Katje, Mart, Di, Brian, Honey, Bobby and our parents. Eating Mum's turkey, watching everyone fuss over our daughter, whilst we curl up on the couch, Christmas Carols playing in the background, and then groaning when our daughter starts fussing and we have to get up to feed her",
She interrupted then, "No we won't, we won't ever complain about anything. Because every moment we get with her is a moment longer than we thought we would, every moment is precious. The pooey nappies, sleepless nights, crying, that is something we would never have gotten if she wasn't here",
I kissed her forehead, "I stand corrected, we will pretend to groan, but really we don't care",
She smiled and rested her head on my shoulder, "Keep going".
"After she finishes her bottle, her mouth makes the most perfect little 'o' and we carry her carefully upstairs, to your old room where your mum has set up the crib, the same one you used when you were a baby. We tuck her in together, and watch her sleeping. Her little feet wiggle their way out from under the blanket, just like her Mum",
I hear a giggle, I've forgotten what her laugh sounds like, it takes my breath away and gives me hope, she joins in, "And you have to check the baby monitor a million times, before we leave the room, to make sure it picks up the slightest catch in her breath. And don't think I didn't see you lock the window", another giggle and I pretended a huff, "Hey, I want to keep my little girl safe", now it was my turn to smile, "my two girls, my family" and then we stopped talking. Both caught up in that slice of hope, seeing our future stretching out beyond the hospital walls, where a few moments ago we were sure it ended. I see her straighten and watch a little more of the woman I love come to the surface, she pulls away and takes my hand, a silent plea for strength, she is a million times stronger than I am, but I clasp her hand tightly all the same.
Her shoulders straighten; she blinks the tears from her eyes and takes a long stride towards the swinging glass doors. We wash our hands at the hand wash station and take the giant leap towards our daughter. I see my Shamus take a deep breath, steeling herself and we walk in together. The nurses smile at me, and broader when they see Trixie beside me, I see a few of other parents, we walk between the rows of curtains, and see them bent over incubators, see tears and smiles, little fingers grasping big ones, flowers and teddy bears. Then we come up to our corner, a small draft blows the curtain up enough to see the side of the crib. A small choke comes from my right; I pull her to me,
"A certain little girl has been waiting a long time to meet her Mummy. It's time Trix", I catch her hand and stop its trembling before she pulls aside the curtain and steps inside, into the dim light. I pull it closed after us. We stand looking at the crib, our baby housed under the plastic box, tubes covering her fragile skin, a pink beanie her Grandma Belden knitted her seeming impossibly large, Trixie takes a step closer,
"I can't believe we made something so beautiful", I could only whisper,
"I know", my throat choked up as I watched my wife put her hand through the opening and cradle our daughter. I moved to a seat in the corner, and watched her fall in love. Her fingers stroking Katje's skin, taking in every small detail of her,
"I hope she has your red hair," she said,
"I hope she has your eyes" I replied.
My shamus smiled, "I hope she is the very best of both of us", Katje made a quiet mewl and shifted closer to Trixie's hand and her warmth, her tiny hands flailed for a moment before a thumb found it's way to her mouth.
The future may not be certain, and it never is, but in that moment it was perfectly clear, I knew this was exactly how it was supposed to be. From that first time I saw Trix, to our wedding to now; when one of us forgot their strength like the other half of a whole, the other was always there to remind them of it. This time it was different, together we had created the strongest and most beautiful little being of all, and in that moment where we faltered she reminded us what it meant to be strong.