A/N: 'Owl Post' will probably read as a little exaggurated because I was playing off the stereotypes of Harry being a clueless do-gooder and Snape being a twisted old scrooge. I hope you like it either way! PRE-HBP
Part One: The East Hollywood Flat
To: Mr. Severus Snape
I know we never really hit it off in the past but I wanted to try to start out fresh. It's a bit petty to keep holding grudges, isn't it? I promise I'll forget all about your failing me in my N.E.W.Ts if you say we can try to turn a new leaf.
What do you say?
-- Harry Potter
To: Harry Potter
Although your offer gives me the impression that there is an underlying motive in all this, and quite honestly it's frightening, I am willing to give up the past. However, I won't put up with details of your personal life or any inquiry into mine. If you respect my wishes, we should have no troubles.
Write back soon.
-- Severus Snape
Dear Snape,
Great! It seems a little rude to say what you did about personal life, but I can deal with it. After all, that's how all friendships start out, right?
Hope to hear from you soon,
-- Harry Potter
To: Harry Potter
Your assumption that this trivial exchange of letters will somehow develop into a friendship is pathetic, but I also feel that should I ignore you or even insult you it will all bounce off your thick skull and you will thus continue sending me letters. So you can see I am in a bit of a predicament here.
-- Severus Snape
Dear Snape,
You have to be a little more willing to do this, Snape. Actually, just to warm things up, I'm going to call you Severus. It's an equalizer.
-- Harry
hiya harri!
like how r u? i havnt seen u since like voldiemort burrnt off mah leg! o, but i dont wanna botha u wit all mah probs. CALL ME!
-- snapey doodey woo
Dear Severus,
That isn't what I meant.
-- Harry
Harry Potter,
Your persistence in writing me these Godawful letters is like slowly having my fingernails pulled out with rusty fire pokers. If I had less integrity, something would be done.
As it is, I realize that I made an earlier promise to try to forget how much I hate you. Ere I force myself to continue reading and answering your drivel.
-- Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
As long as your willing!
But you seem unhappy. Are you unhappy?
-- Harry
Harry Potter,
I am extremely unhappy, you damned idiot! I only have one leg! Where you are exalted above everything else alive I am left to nothing in a miserable condo in this miserable shire! My cable bills are piling up and something is living in my closet! YOU are the only person I have contact with! And you ask if I am unhappy?
-- Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
Calm down! I was only asking. I'm susceptible to nervous breakdowns myself.
Maybe I could help?
-- Harry
Harry Stupid Potter,
The only way you could help is by buying me a flat in East Hollywood and leaving me alone.
-- Prof. Snape
Dear Severus,
How many rooms? Do you want to be near Hollywood studios or not? One or two bathrooms? Should there be room for an animal?
-- Harry
Potter,
You aren't serious.
-- Prof. Snape
Sev,
Of course I am. What are friends for? Now, is this a small or a large animal we're talking about here?
-- Harry
Harry 'I Am A Moron' Potter,
Somehow, Potter, I get the idea that should I ask for the moon you would not hesitate to get it for me. The only hope in respite I would have should this be the case is that subsequently, the moon would fall on your head and crush you into oblivion.
-- Prof. Snape
Sev,
Well, Sevvy, I should think that given the size of the moon, if it did indeed fell on my head it was also crush you into oblivion, unless you were already in the flat I rented out for you in East Hollywood. Er . . . do you want the moon? I'm sure I could ask Hermione for a charm. She'd probably be able to find one for me.
-- Harry
Shithead,
And although you did not ask my consent before renting out this flat, a flat I did not even want in the first place, you seem to think that I am somehow grateful.
But I digress. Due to your extreme level of stupidity, I expect to be, unsurprisingly, disappointed when I ask if you have thought ahead far enough to order plane tickets? In case your memory fails you, I can no longer apparate or ride a broom. But I suppose with one's head shoved so far up one's ass, it matters not.
-- Prof. Snape
Sev,
But I thought you did want the flat? You said, and I quote,
'The only way you could help me is by buying me a flat in East Hollywood.'
And don't worry about the plane tickets. I already bought them - I couldn't get first class, but I'm sure you won't mind coach, right? In fact, I've already furnished your apartment. I couldn't get anyone in Hollywood to recreate the Hogwarts dungeons, the one guy who came close threatened to alert the authorities once I gave him the plans, but you'll like the place.
Trust me.
-- Harry
Shithead a la mode,
I wouldn't trust you with my life. No force in Heaven or Hell would convince me to move into that flat.
-- Prof. Snape
Sev,
You'll like it.
-- Harry
Stupid,
No.
-- Prof. Snape
Sev,
I've already taken out an insurance policy on it, so you have no choice. What harm could it do, really? It wouldn't kill you to get out into the real world.
-- Harry Potter
Stupid,
Hearing the words 'harm' and 'kill' from you in regards to myself is less than comforting, whatever your intentions may have been.
And as I said before, no.
-- Prof. Snape
Sev,
Arguing about this, I don't think, is very good for our friendship. How about this: I'll promise to cancel the lease on the flat and refund the plane tickets and Ferrari if you'll promise to be nicer to me in future.
-- Harry
Harry Potter,
Done and done. But . . . what was that about a Ferrari?
-- Prof. Snape