A/N: If you want a prologue for this one-shot, read the third chapter of my "My three little students" story. And now enjoy;)
Kakashi,
I've just arrived to the Water Country. As there is not much to do here anyway, I will move elsewhere soon.
S.
Kakashi has been reading a short message over and over again for the last ten minutes. He was looking for something. Anything, really. Maybe for some hidden meaning? He tried to read between the lines, figure out a secret of this very short letter.
Only to realize, again and again, that there was none.
The short text was quite informative… well, in fact it was all this text was: information. And what's more, a general one. Water Country or elsewhere weren't specific terms, nuh-uh.
So it seemed than the message brought by a hawk didn't hold any meaning.
Or did it. Because it was the first message from Sasuke he got. The whole six months have passed since he left for his atonement journey and until now, the Uchiha didn't contact anyone.
A shade of smirk appeared on Rokudaime's lips. It seemed that his troublesome ex-student got a little too lonely. He put the letter into a closet and closed it violently.
Let's see how far Sasuke would go to drag him in a conversation.
...
Kakashi,
Nothing much in the Lightning Country. I managed to help some farmers with wild boars' attacks. Don't know where I'm heading now.
S.
Oh, so Sasuke actually told him about what he did. Joy. Not that Kakashi didn't like the idea about his former ex-criminal student helping a group of farmers, of course he appreciated his actions. Still, an informative letter. Nothing much and, to be honest, nothing precise. Even little villages have their names, you know. He didn't find any in this message.
So how long has it been? Two months. Huh. Now, when he became the Hokage, days and weeks were slipping through his fingers without mercy.
Well, two months isn't such a long time. The second letter landed in the closet just next to the first one. He didn't have time to give it too much of his attention. After all, he promised Sakura to meet at Ichiraku two hours ago. It's around time when he was supposed to appear there.
Her punches from their Team Seven days were nothing compare to the ones she was sending right now. Don't trust the beautiful green eyes or the pink ponytail. Ever.
...
Kakashi-sensei,
I crossed the east Fire Country border twelve hours ago. I'm going in Grass Country direction now. Last month was rainy and I didn't do much, it was hard to travel in such a weather. Though I found a hermit family and I helped them with starting a vegetable garden.
S.
Of course, raw information again, but with a shade of… details? Not only did Sasuke write that he helped with some garden work (it had to be quite a view…), but also he mentioned his IMPRESSIONS of weather. He admitted something had caused him troubles. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at that, not really having expecting something like this. The little story about weather seemed almost casual for him, like a statement in a light conversation. Weird.
BUT it wasn't everything. He found something far, far more interesting, believe it. Now, he suddenly became a SENSEI again. Sasuke hadn't called him that since his prelims for the Chuunin Exams long ago. In such a letter, already the third one he got from him, it gave him an impression that the young Uchiha was getting somehow desperate. To communicate with him, it meant.
An unexpected uncertainty touched his heart, when he looked at the two first words again. He never cared that Sasuke had been calling him by his name alone, he hadn't minded. But now… It was strange to be the sensei again. Not because he denied that Sasuke had been his student in the past (long, long time ago…), but he would never thought that the raven-haired would hold onto the troubled relationship they had built back then. As Kakashi didn't hold to it, not really. It has been… long ago and not true now.
Or maybe it hasn't? Maybe not for Sasuke?
Now, he would definitely not write him back. The letter ended in the closet but this time, Kakashi struggled with sleeping at night.
He has never been too fond of Sasuke, far less than of Naruto or Sakura. For all those years after Sasuke's desertion it seemed fine. It did for the last nine months too… so what was that uneasy feeling in his chest that he wasn't right about everything?
Suddenly the idea of irritating the Uchiha by not writing back didn't seem this funny anymore.
...
Kakashi,
I got wounded on my way. I'm staying now in some infirmary in the Earth Country. I'm going to need a week long break, but when I'm fine again, I'll be back on my road.
I got a message from the Kazekage. He asked me to do him a favor and I accepted, so I'm going to the Wind Country next. Though I have no idea how he managed to find me.
S.
And again, he was just 'Kakashi'. No 'sensei' song, nothing. Was he unhappy about it? Well, no. Actually it only confirmed his previous assumptions.
It also seemed that he managed to hurt Sasuke's feelings. It's been three month since he got the last letter, more than he waited for the previous two. Oh, wait. Did he just said he had waited for them…? No, no. He hadn't, no kidding.
So… Sasuke got injured. Kakashi sighed deeply and read the message once again. Honestly, those few words were just heavy from second meanings. Let's try to translate Sasuke's letter so that an average human could understand it:
Kakashi (…),
Look, I got into troubles and I got hurt quite seriously. I somehow managed to find some people who helped me with it and I'm much better now, but I still need at least couple of weeks to recover. Though you know me, I'm not going to sit on my ass for that long, I have a work to do.
Oh, Gaara wrote a letter to me. He had a request and asked about it in a very polite manner which I don't deserve considering that I've tried to kill him the last time we met. I accepted of course, I've already decided I want to pay each and every debt I can… So care to explain how he managed to contact me? Last I checked I was in the middle of nowhere and no one knew nothing about my whereabouts. So was it you who told him where he can find me?
S.
More or less. It was two times this long… But something more couldn't give Kakashi a break, because he got an impression that the letter held an invisible post scriptum.
I told you this much about me, so can you please answer me finally?
Even loud and cheerful Naruto, who has just come into his office, couldn't save him from the little anxiety he suddenly felt. But ramen was waiting for them, so he decided on taking care of the letter the next day.
...
Kakashi,
I'm in Suna right now. I finished the task Gaara gave me and now I'm taking a short break. It seems I still need a recovery from my wounds from before. Gaara promised to inform you about the mission I did for him, so I won't describe it now.
I met the Mizukage here and she was interested in appointing me for something too, so the Hidden Mist will be my next destination.
Sasuke
P.S.: Tell the dobe late happy birthday from me, I forgot the last time.
No, he would have never expect the next letter after three weeks. It's simply too early. He didn't even have enough time to think about the previous one and now he had another thing to think about. To worry about.
Sasuke accepted his weakened state. Sasuke was staying in Suna, probably voluntarily (though Gaara had had to convince him to, probably). Sasuke got a mission from the Mizukage too.
It was a good sign, honestly. Kakashi still could remember Raikage's reluctance when the Leaf informed him that Sasuke was going to be released from prison (…he was actually quite pissed) and it was no secret that the Kage didn't appreciated the idea too much. Well, Kakashi didn't either, truth be told. But he made such a decision and for now he didn't regret it even once.
And… happy birthday for Naruto. Huh. He took scissors from a drawer on his right and cut the post scriptum part away from the sheet not-to-precisely. He was going to give it to Naruto next time they saw each other.
...
Kakashi,
I was busy with my task for Kiri. The Mizukage offered me an opportunity to stay in the Mist for two weeks, but I decided against it. I'm heading back to the Wind Country. I heard that a bunch of rogues is devastating little villages there, so maybe I'll be able to do something about it.
Anyway, tell me if you have something for me to do. It doesn't have to be anything big, but with me being this far away from the village, you could spare the time for someone to get to some distant place.
Sasuke
What. No, really, did Uchiha Sasuke ask him a question? Of course there was no question mark (let's not hope for too much…), but it definitely was a question. Definitely.
Write back the letter was saying. Write anything, give me a mission, but write me. It was Sasuke's first attempt to directly expressing his need for some answer from him. On the other hand, it was in no way imposing or demanding. It was… a request.
An offer even. Accept if you want, don't if not. The desperation from some other letter disappeared completely. Along with something… but he wasn't sure what it was.
Oh, he used his full name, not only S. at the end. Did he do this before? Kakashi opened the closet and investigated shortly the content of the previous letters… Right, he signed Sasuke in the last one too. Hn, he was sure that the Uchiha was just careful about revealing his identity, should the message land in some unwelcome hands… Was it another element of this specific game Sasuke started to play?
Or not… in fact he wasn't playing any game. If anyone was playing anything, it was Kakashi. So now, he was playing a GAME. He wanted to figure out as much as he could about his former student. He did have a right to do this. After all Sasuke put him through, all Sasuke put everyone through, he deserved at least this much.
Did he?
Because with each letter, a feeling of undefined blame was rising in his chest. It's been more than one year since he got the first message from him and until now, he didn't give Sasuke a single answer. Damn, Kakashi didn't even let him know that he actually got all those messages.
So he reached out for a sheet of paper and a paintbrush and hesitantly made one dot on the empty page.
He blinked.
And abandoned it.
The sunset this day was just breathtaking, he couldn't lose such a chance…
...
Kakashi,
The winter was rough and I spent most of it in the Snow Country, so you can imagine just how rough it was. It was the worst idea for a place to spend the winter, but it's not that I had much of a choice. I ended up in a village just before the huge snow fell and then the area got isolated.
People here live at the edge of poverty and struggle with everyday life. A lot of them die during winter months and there's no one here who can help them. Everything I could do for them was hunting and gathering wood for fire. I made some use of my fire jutsu too, but it still wasn't enough.
Now I'm heading back south. Shortly, I'll cross the Fire Country border.
Take care
Sasuke
P.S.: Late happy birthday to Sakura.
He was reading it with a paintbrush just above a sheet of paper with a single dried dot on it. He hasn't got any message from Sasuke for months now. To say he didn't care, would be a total and complete lie. Oh, he DID care, much more than he expected himself to. Much more than he wanted to.
The lack of messages from Sasuke played with his conscience and his emotions evilly. He spent hours wondering if he hurt the boy just too much for him to bare. He didn't know if Sasuke was all right, if he was even still alive. And now, May 15th, he finally got a message. And Sasuke was all right.
Or… well, okay. He as alive. If all right, it's another matter. But that thing alone calmed Kakashi down.
Cutting away the 'happy birthday' line from the letter, he scanned once again the meticulously written words of the message. The extract about the winter troubles on the Nord attracted his attention. He could feel the hidden frustration Sasuke felt while writing down every single character. He admitted that even after having done his best, he hadn't been able to help all those people. Oh, well, he had helped them, but it wasn't enough for him. It was a good sign, no doubts.
A 'take care' made him stop for a couple of seconds. It appeared at the end for the first time… It was quite… un-Sasuke like, to be honest. Take care. So unlike him. But all the letters have been becoming less and less Sasuke-like for all those months he was writing to Kakashi, so maybe…
Maybe it would be good to read all of them once again.
Maybe.
It WOULD be good.
Man, the Kage summit. He was already half an hour late… Mei was going to have his head for it. And if not she, Sakura would, if she found out.
...
Kakashi observed his surroundings, moving forward quietly. Autumn rain had already sank in his clothes and he was now soaking wet. He'd probably catch a cold the next day, but who cares right now. He'll worry about it when it actually happens.
Still, when he got under a roof, he relaxed slightly. Ninja or not, everybody enjoys some comfort and a two days long journey in rain isn't something the ex-ANBU would ask for willingly. He spared a short look at a couple in the corner of a small hall he got into and then moved to the reception desk. A young boy stood immediately from his steel and rushed hurriedly to help him with anything he would need. It was easy to say he just got the job and wanted to make everything the best he could.
"Good evening, sir" he greeted Kakashi politely.
"Yeah, hello" he sighed a little.
"How can I help you? Do you need a room? There is one unoccupied right now on the second floor, in fact it has a nice view from…"
"No, in fact I don't need a room. I'm looking for someone, you see" he interrupted him. "A man, quite tall, black-haired, with pale skin and probably all in black clothes. I can find him here as far as I know."
"Oh…" the boy seemed slightly discouraged. "Okay then… yeah, I saw someone like this…"
"His room number?"
"Um… please, let me check…" he hurried to a huge notebook and tried to find what he was asked for. But after two minutes he didn't give Kakashi any answer, so the silver-haired assured him that he would manage by himself. He then found a staircase and climbed to the third floor. It's not that he didn't know where he should go before, he just thought it would be rude to ignore the receptionist. He didn't want anybody to suspect him for anything.
When he found the door he was looking for, he slammed it open without hesitation. A man… yes, a man, who was lying on the only bed inside, jumped alarmed by a sudden noise and eyed him. Stunned.
"Kakashi" Sasuke mumbled under his breath. He was gazing at him like put into some trance, when the man walked in and closed the door as loudly as he had opened it.
"Yo" Kakashi greeted with careless tone. But a smile didn't manifest itself in his eyes, when he looked at the young Uchiha in front of him.
"What are you doing here…?"
Right. Just what was he doing here, really. He would ask himself about it for the next weeks, that for sure. But not now. He made a decision to get here and he was going to get what he expected from it.
"Just guess, what I am doing here" he muttered in a low tone. A surprise in Sasuke's eyes melted immediately, replaced by an uncertainty that put Kakashi a little off guard.
"You got my letters."
"Oh, I did. All seven on them" he nodded sternly. "It's been quite a while since I got the last one, though."
"And… that's why you're here" he guessed.
"More or less."
"Did Naruto and Sakura send you to find me?"
Kakashi raised an eyebrow tiredly. No, that was a question he didn't expect. In fact… no, wait, hold on a sec. What?
"Why would they send me to find you?" he asked slowly.
"Because I haven't write you for months now."
"And how are they even supposed to know that? How, if you don't write them at all?"
"Maybe… you told them" Sasuke observed him for a long while in silence. "Then… you came here out of your own will?" he asked finally.
"I'm the Hokage, you know. It's not that anybody's ordering me around. Why does that bother you this much?" he frowned, noticing the raven-haired uneasiness.
"…"
"Sasuke."
"You… didn't write back."
Kakashi stared at him without a word for half a minute, trying to figure out all hidden meanings of his words and waiting for him to continue. But Sasuke didn't seem to intend to.
"Go on" he encouraged finally.
"With… what exactly?"
"With everything you want to tell me, you idiot" he saw him flinching slightly at the name. "I spent the last forty eight hours looking for you with my ninkens, I'm soaking on your floor and I stressed a receptionist boy, everything just to get here and talk to you. I thought that's what you wanted for all those months, for almost two years now, so here I am, in front of you. And if you want to take the only chance I'm offering you to talk to me, then you better hurry up, because each day away from the Leaf is a new tone of paperwork for me to catch up to later" he crossed his arms on his chest and sat on a nearby chair, looking at the Uchiha expectantly. Or at least it was what he thought he looked like.
Meanwhile Sasuke was biting his lip, hard enough to cut a thin skin.
"Sasuke-"
"Just go back to the village" he muttered and let his body fall back to the bed.
"You sure?"
"You made enough for me to understand just how much of a pain in ass I am to you. So get out from here and go home. I won't bother you anymore."
"Won't you?"
"No, I won't!" he got up and looked at him irritated. "Just get your respectful ass away from here and leave me alone!"
"And what else, maybe you'll be fine then."
"Fuck, how, just HOW annoying can you be?!" he gritted his teeth. "What do you expect from me now?! To talk to you? I tried in the last two years, I was sending you letters, I was informing you what I was doing and I didn't got one single reply from you. So why the hell are you here now, yelling at me to TALK to you, when it's you who don't want to talk to ME!"
He sat back on the bed after a couple of seconds and breathed slowly to calm down. Kakashi waited for a little longer to finally address him.
"So you did want a reply" he mumbled.
"And WHY do people send letters if not for getting a reply?!"
"And you wanted to talk to me" Kakashi continued. "Yet you've never asked for it in your letters."
"Wasn't that obvious? How long do you know me? You understand what I want to say, you always have, so… why" he paused for a moment. "Why haven't you just… written a short letter to me for all those months…?"
When Kakashi entered the small room, he saw a man, a young one, but definitely a man, lying on the bed. Now there wasn't much left from that person. A dark eye was looking at him with hurt and angst and Kakashi couldn't help but recognized the very same expression from the time when Sasuke talked to him about his life all those years ago, when they left the village to train before the final round of the Chuunin Exams. Now the very same child was looking at him, messed up and lonely, a child who didn't understand the world around him. A child whose words he once listened to with his full attention, which surprised himself. But this time it wasn't Itachi who put Sasuke on edge.
It was him.
And he knew he should have written him back. He knew he could have hurt his feelings. He even considered a possibility that a new chaos emerges from his ignorance… But still, he did nothing. He regretted it in a way, but now he was sure he does regret his constant passivity towards the boy sitting in front of him with a tear in his only visible eye, which he tried to stop from dropping.
"I'm sorry" he almost whispered, looking down for the first time.
"Are you?" he heard a quiet snarl. "Because you know, everything, just EVERY single thing makes me think otherwise" Sasuke stood up and started to circle around the room. "If you were annoyed, you should have just tell me not to write to you anymore. Or not, maybe this was your way of telling me that. It was, wasn't it?" he gazed at him with regret. "You showed me just how much you don't give a fuck about anything concerning me. Thank you very much, really. Now I got a full picture of how much of a scum I am, as if I hadn't known it before with the whole world reminding me about my mistakes. With every dream I have at night. But you know something, I thought that maybe you at least would spare me this whole pain for once" he paused and looked at Kakashi, tired. "Or why would you, on the other hand? Maybe it's exactly what I deserve in your eyes. Maybe you're even somehow right and I am wrong in all that matter. Maybe expecting from you to forgive me is too much" his voice broke slightly at the end and Kakashi heard it, although Sasuke tried to hide it.
And here they were again, gazing at each other in silence, aware that the Uchiha haven't say this much at once for months. That he hadn't talked to anyone for a long time, even if he tried. He suddenly sighed, wiped his eyes violently and sat back on the mattress.
"Look, I… I know I messed up horribly, for all those past years. And I know it's not easy for you to forgive me, and I try not to expect it from you, I DO. It's just that… after the war, when you came to my cell and talked to me, it seemed almost like… like you could forgive me one day. After that day I thought that if I needed someone to talk to, you'd be fine with it, so I wrote the first letter… And then the second one, when I didn't get any reply. I sent the third one and then started to think if you get them at all. But my hawks were sure you do, so I kept sending more."
"And… I didn't write back" Kakashi muttered more to himself. He patted his knee with his fingers. "It seems… I messed up more than I thought."
"Than you…"
"Look… it's not like I didn't know you would be somehow upset about not getting a reply" he said quietly. "It's that when I finally decided to write you back, I couldn't. I can't explain it. But I couldn't write down anything. And… I'm sorry" he breathed out closing his eyes. "There is no excuse for… hurting you in such a way, as you did nothing wrong this time. You have every right to be angry with me."
"Do you hate me?" Sasuke asked after a couple of minutes, when they sat in depressed silence.
"No. I definitely do not hate you" he answered immediately.
"Did you? In the past? When I left, when I fought you… when I tried…"
"…I don't know" he admitted. "I honestly don't know. I despised you from all I could, but… wether that was hate or something else, I have no idea."
"But you've never liked me much either" Sasuke mumbled. "Even back then, during Team Seven's days, you… preferred to be with Naruto and Sakura, didn't you?" he didn't wait for an answer. "I didn't notice it back then. I thought you liked me too, maybe even more than you liked Naruto, because you was giving me a lot of your time. Why, anyway?"
"There was a moment I thought I may be able to help you" he informed, a shade of sorrow in his voice. "You lacked basic social skills and I knew I would have you under me for an unknown amount of time, so I decided I would try to do something about it. And you made a huge progress back then. But I made a mistake. I underestimated your hate towards your brother. And… everything was for nothing, suddenly" he swallowed hardly, gathering his thoughts. "You were honest with me, so let me be honest with you now. I was pissed when you and Naruto got into fight on the hospital roof. I was pissed when you left and I didn't felt guilty for it in the slightest. When we fought you on that bridge, I… was trying to kill you. I really did. And all regrets I would have if I had managed to slit your throat back then… would be because of Naruto's and Sakura's struggles with your death."
"So you did hate me, after all."
A statement hang between them for a long moment, when they locked their eyes once again. Finally, reluctantly, Kakashi nodded. He did and his heart ached at that.
"So what changed?" Sasuke asked quietly. "How could you trust me during the war?"
"I definitely did not trust you during the war" he shook his head.
"But the moment has come when… you accepted me to some point. It was because of Naruto and…"
"I guess."
"And that conversation we had in my cell?" he went on. "Because… you know, not even all dobe's speeches would help me as much as it did."
Kakashi raised his eyebrows surprised. Meanwhile Sasuke continued.
"I still hated Konoha back then. I decided not to destroy it, but I hated everyone who would've ever had something to do with Danzo's order. And I didn't know what to do. But then you came and… you listened to me. Once again. I could tell you anything and I thought you wouldn't judge me. I thought you didn't judge me, utill now… But you did" he finished with a whisper.
"Then again" Kakashi muttered. "It was during our conversation when I, for the first time, understood that you wasn't the only one to blame. That if I really want to blame somebody, I should blame Sandaime. Danzo. The elders. Even your family, even Itachi… Because what you've become was a synthesis of their actions. And that's why I'm sure I don't hate you. More, I'm sure I will be able to forgive you completely one day and I'm closer to it with every passing month… with every letter I'm getting from you" he looked at Sasuke warmly for the first time. "Your teammates believe in you, and so will I. I'll try to. And from now on… I'm going to be there for you, if you need something, because I don't know how else you're going to be sane again. You need people around you, the ones who want the best for you. And I do. If I wasn't sure about it before, then I am now."
Sasuke looked at him with his dark eye. It suddenly became teary, but he didn't turn away. He didn't, even when a single tear dropped on his cheek.
"Thank you."
"Anytime, Sasuke."