"Unrequited love is like drowning, but you just won't die."
- Wonder Liz
I am hopelessly, desperately and completely in love with Edward Cullen.
If you don't know Edward Cullen, then I firstly congratulate you. You will not have the chance to fall in love with him, as I have, and spend much of your young life crying behind closed doors because he does not return your affections and seems to think that you have the same amount of sexual appeal as Her Majesty the Queen, a standard English dictionary or similar.
But secondly, I also pity you, because you will never know the handsome, charismatic, charming, funny, intelligent man that is the object of my affection... and my best friend.
If you looked up 'perfection' in the dictionary, instead of words they might as well just drop a photo of Edward Cullen in. Bronze hair, bright green eyes, pale skin... very pink lips that pucker adorably when he becomes upset... add a strong, defined jawline, eyelashes do die for and long, piano-playing fingers and I was putty. I had every detail memorized after years of unsubtle staring.
I don't even know how he stands to be in the same room as me, in all my ordinariness, but he generously graces us mortals with his presence. Actually, scrap that, I don't know how I stand to be in the same room as him. I want to pull a blanket over my head every time I see him. Imagine a six-year-old in a tutu standing next to Dwayne Johnson. A cup of water next to the Pacific Ocean. A dirty pebble sitting next to Michelangelo's statue of David. That should give you some idea of my general insignificance when it comes to him.
Of course, he could have been the muse for the statue of David. I discovered that in a memorable summer when we went to the pools and Edward took his shirt off. I'm still amazed I didn't collapse onto the concrete. In all the books I had read as a child, fainting was romantic affair in which she sighed dramatically and landed in her lover's arms before a sensuous kiss. Well, I'm yet to faint but I'm certain I could make it as un-romantic as possible with my klutziness. I would probably fall face forward onto the concrete and spill my brains all over the nice pool floor for some poor janitor to clean up. Eww.
The only thing that saved me that day was Alice's arm going around my shoulders as she whispered, "Steady, girl," like she could see what was going to happen. Not that it was that difficult to tell - I could feel my cheeks burning up as I turned my usual tomato red.
Back then Alice had had some idea of what I was going through as she pined after Jasper, the cute guy at the coffee bar. She'd gone in and ordered a cappuccino every day just to blush and mumble in his presence, even though she hated the taste and smell of coffee. She was hyperactive enough so her caffeine avoidance probably contributed to the good of humanity – I'd always imagined an Over-the-Hedge type scenario if Alice ever drank too much caffeine.
Nevertheless, without fail every day of the summer she'd gone to spy on the "dreamy cowboy" with the "sexy southern accent". Now, some two years later, Jasper had finally admitted that it had taken him weeks to work up the nerve just to ask for her number. Alice had announced she'd known from the beginning they were meant to be together, although I personally think that was a lot of money spent on coffee for something she apparently knew was going to happen anyway.
"You and Edward, too. You're made for each other," she'd said to me soon after. "You'll see. I'm always right." And whilst I was never one to bet against Alice, for once she was actually wrong. Just a month after Jasper and Alice finally got together, Edward went on holiday to Denali, Alaska and came back... unavailable. I had hated saying the word. It sounded dirty and wrong. Edward had dated on and off over the years, but he'd never been in a seriously committed relationship. It was the one hope I clung onto, that I was the only constant girl in his life.
He made up for it now. From the moment he stepped off of the plane Edward had been in a haze, smiling and laughing when no-one had told a joke, obviously remembering something she had said. He talked about this girl twenty-four seven, rambling on about how beautiful she was and how amazing she was and how perfect she was. What was worse was when he'd say he couldn't wait for us to meet and how he just knew I'd love her.
I hated this unknown girl with every fiber of my being, to the point where I worried about what would happen when I met her. There was a close call last month when she was supposed to come down with one of her sisters, Kate, to stay with Edward and I in our apartment. Unluckily for Edward, and very luckily for her, she hadn't been able to make it due to some work thing that came up.
If Edward and I were meant to be together, he obviously had no idea.
Even though I did love seeing him happy, I was secretly hoping the long-distance thing wouldn't work out. But it was the complete opposite. There was some wise-man proverb that distance is to a relationship like a strong wind is to fire – if the relationship is small, like a candle, the flame is quickly put out, but wind only strengthens the bonfire. Well, Edward and his Denali girl were like a raging inferno. There was no way my friendship could compete with that.
She took up his attention sitting in a room on the other side of the country. Where we once spent every night watching movies, curled up on the couch together, he'd go into his room to talk to her until 4 in the morning. He was starting to pass on going out with the group - Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice and I - so he could sit on a computer and chat to her online.
I was slowly losing my best friend.
It all seemed to culminate in Edward's request on Facebook to add me... as his sister. I had stared in shock at my laptop for several minutes, before going straight to Alice and Rosalie's place for an emergency girl's night in.
"It's disgusting," I blurted out to them through my tears over a tub of ice-cream. I had given up on trying to keep my figure for a man who saw me as a sister. Whilst I poured my sorrows into sugar, Rosalie was grumbling.
"Cullen is ridiculous," she said. "If he hasn't noticed your charms yet, sweetie, he most definitely does not deserve you. You are beautiful, intelligent, nice, loyal, and you've been there for him in every moment of his life. You need to up and leave him." I cried harder, because even though she was saying all these wonderful things about me it was just making me more upset. If I was all these things, as Rose was saying, and I was still not good enough for Edward, what was the point?
Alice pushed Nightmare in Elm Street into the Blu-ray player, probably because she knew I couldn't handle anything even vaguely romantic at this rate. "Rose is right. I think..." her sentence trailed off, but I finished it for her.
"I think it's time I got over him," I said softly, and I felt my heart wrench downward even as the words left my mouth. I'd never even considered the possibility – it just didn't seem like something I was ever going to be capable of. But as I cried, I realised I was sick of doing this – of feeling miserable over someone who could not care less about me.
But that's not true, either, I realised, wallowing in my misery. He does care for me. He does love me. Just not in the way I want him to.
But I want him to love me that way so freaking badly.
"But still... sister. And I thought the friend zone was bad," I groaned.
Alice winced as if she could feel my pain for me. "I know. I guess, like Rose said, you have been there for him his entire life," she said as Rosalie went to get me more ice-cream. I put the now empty tub next to the other two on the floor.
That was true. I had always been there for Edward as he had always been there for me. We'd grown up in Forks, Washington – best friends throughout elementary school, middle school and high school. My mom had been friends with Edward's mom until my mother died. I was just ten. My dad had a lot of trouble adjusting and it was became more and more dedicated to his work at the station, not even coming home some nights. As I grew older we both began to adapt to this new lifestyle of just father and daughter, with me taking over the home-making roles.
But the first few years were hardest - but the bronze-haired boy from next door would sneak into my house in the dark. He listened to me with endless patient and it was his shoulder that I cried on to.
Then, when we turned fifteen, Edward's older sister Elizabeth died in a car accident. It was a tough time for him and most nights he'd sneak into my bedroom, now not to comfort me, but to seek it himself. More often than not he'd fall asleep with me. It was a good thing that on the rare nights my father did come home from the station, he was a heavy sleeper.
Otherwise Edward waking up in the middle of the night, screaming his sister's name, would have been a problem.
We both had those years of darkness in our past. We'd both moved to attend NYU and as the years flew by we made more friends. Alice was in my classes. So too was Rosalie, and when she met Edward's friend Emmett it was love at first sight. Or perhaps "lust at first sight is a more accurate term with those two. Whenever we complained about their PDAs Emmett insisted there was a very strict sixty-second rule between the two of them.
"Only because that's the longest they can go without needing oxygen," Edward had murmured in my ear. I had laughed, whilst trying to not get distracted by the feeling of him so close to me.
Right now, at Alice and Rosalie's place, Rose came back from the fridge with a block of chocolate (which according to her "matched my eyes"). I sighed dramatically and said, "Yeah, we've been best friends since we were little kids. But I don't know... I thought we'd had a few close moments before. Like we'd toed the line between friendship and... more."
On Elm Street several people screamed and tomato sauce spurted up out of somebody, but the three of us weren't really paying attention.
"Have you ever kissed?" asked Alice. She seemed cautious tonight, not her usually energetic self. She was hesitating before she spoke as if she was running the words through her head and foreseeing my reaction. I'm not that fragile, I wanted to scoff, but as I looked at the half-eaten chocolate block in front of me I realised I wasn't so sure anymore.
"Loads of times," I answered honestly. "He kisses me on the cheek like, every night." It's pure torture, I wanted to add.
"No, no, Ali meant on the lips. Have you ever kissed on the lips?" asked Rosalie.
I paused.
"Yeah... just... just the once."
It was, to this day, the most amazing night of my life.
Gosh, that sounds ridiculously pathetic.
I started to explain to Alice and Rose.
"I'm not taking Angela to the fall formal anymore," Edward suddenly announced one lunch. We were sitting alone at the tables since most of the others were outside, enjoying the rare Forks sunshine. However, Edward revelled in the rare silence and the quiet of the lunch room while I revelled in, well, Edward.
"Why not? Did she ditch you?" I asked, shocked. Edward wasn't cruel enough to drop her. Angela Weber, or any girl really, surely would not pass the opportunity to let Edward Cullen take them to the formal.
I certainly wouldn't.
That and Angela Weber was far too nice to ever do that to anyone anyway.
Edward chuckled. "Thanks for the assumption, Swan," he said, ruffling my hair. "No, I heard down the grape vine that she liked Ben Cheney."
"Ben? But isn't he, um, shorter than her?" I asked. Edward laughed again.
"Well, yes, but what's that got to do with the price of eggs?" he asked, teasing me with Mr. Banner's favourite proverb. "I confronted her," he continued. "I figured that she was staying with me to be polite, and I was right." He ran his fingers through his hair, rumpling it up even more and making it even more messy.
I drooled.
"So do you wanna go?"
"Sorry?" I blinked, the gears in my brain coming to a grinding halt. Did I imagine that? It wouldn't be the first time. "I didn't hear what you said," I said warily, not daring to believe it.
Edward laughed at my confusion. Actually, he spent a lot of our friendship laughing at me as opposed to with me. As he'd told me repeatedly, I was a constant source of amusement for him.
"I said, do you want to go to the fall formal with me?" he asked, a teasing tone to his voice.
"Um... uh," I stared at him for a few minutes before I realized what I was doing. He just smirked at me. "Uh, okay, sure."
With that suave acceptance began the best night of my life. Which began in a complete freak out. I examined myself in the mirror, slowly revolving on the spot. Was my hair ok? Was my dress too simple? I'd picked a strapless number, not putting too much thought into it, but I regretted that now. It was blue, a color he'd complimented me on before, but for once I was cursing my pale skin. Why couldn't I be exotic and curvy like Zafrina? I looked into the mirror but I saw nothing but my plain brown girl-next-door eyes.
The doorbell rang and I could hear Charlie exchanging pleasantries with Edward. At the top of the stairs I took a deep breath, before I slowly descended the stairs.
As soon as I saw him, all of my worries and anxiety melted away. With the way he looked at me, green eyes shining and his mouth partly open, I couldn't help but feel like a million dollars. I began beaming and I saw him return the smile. Slowly, carefully, I descended the stairs, careful not to trip or stumble like I usually did, but I eventually made it safely down the stairs and into his arms as he hugged me.
"Wow," he said, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat. "Wow, you look... amazing." His eyes roamed over my figure, his warm palms still on my bare shoulders. I could feel myself blushing, but luckily then Sue called our names.
"Over here!" she said, excitedly waving the camera around. She took photos of me by myself, Edward tying the white corsage to my wrist, me with Charlie, me and Edward with his arm around my waist. By the time we left for his Volvo, I felt like I was glowing.
The dance was even better.
Laughing with Angela and Ben and the others, Edward and I became silly on the dance floor, doing the macarena and not taking it too seriously. Edward never left my side, not even to dance with the red-headed bombshell of the school, Victoria.
"Sorry," he'd said when she'd asked him to dance, "I'm taken."
His arm, which had been wrapped around my waist for most of the night, had squeezed me lightly. I'd blushed even more as he looked at me and winked, and wished with everything that those words meant what I wanted them to mean.
Later I was fanning myself with my hand. Edward noticed.
"Do you want to go outside?" he asked, and I nodded. He took my hand as he led me through the crowd, navigating us through the people until we stepped outside into the cool air.
It was sprinkling lightly but I didn't worry about my make-up or my hair. The guy had seen me on a Saturday morning in my pajamas so I wasn't too worried. But that was the best part about Edward – I never had to be anyone else around him. I was just me, and he accepted me for everything that I was, am and ever could be, faults and all.
Edward laughed, pulling me through the rain, and I couldn't help but giggle too. Eventually we reached the bleachers at the school, hiding underneath them. I began shivering.
"Oh, sorry," said Edward as if the weather was somehow his fault. Of course the old-fashioned values that Carlisle and Esme had instilled within him on took hold and he took his jacket off from his shoulders and placed it around mine.
But he didn't take his hands away from my shoulders and instead left them resting there. I could feel the heat from his hands radiating through the cloth.
"Are you having a good night, Swan?" he asked teasingly. I grinned at him and winked.
"Well, Cullen, you certainly know how to show a girl a nice time," I giggled. I pushed my arms through the sleeves of his jumper, but even with my arms stretched out my fingers only just peeked out from under the cloth.
He was smiling his crooked smile, my smile, I used to think wistfully, but at the moment I was just so glad he was happy. He'd been miserable in the months after Lizzie's death. Her will had insisted that her car and other belongings be sold to buy Edward a grand piano. He'd spent the months after it slaving away over the piano by day, sleeping next to me at night. I didn't know it then, but it would lead to his long and successful career in music. But back then, that night was the first night I could remember him smiling and laughing, not faking it, but with his whole heart again.
The rain on the metal above us stopped and we could hear the song playing from the dance drifting out of the gym doors.
"If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door..."
Edward smiled and gave a fake bow, over-flourishing with his hands as he asked, "Well, Miss Swan, may I have the pleasure of your hand for this dance?"
"But of course, Mr Cullen," I laughed. His hand rested on the curve of my waist, and his other hand, wet from the rain but warm, slid into mine. I let him lead as we moved and my eyes started to drift shut. He was pulling me in closer, the warmth of his broad chest too appealing, and I shut my eyes and tentatively leaned my head on his shoulder. Edward was relatively affectionate in our friendship - we hugged, leaned on each other and huddled up together on movie nights but somehow all the physical contact we'd experienced before had never reached this level of... intimacy.
We rocked back and forth, and I realized that he was singing softly.
"For you I'll try... I'll pick up these broken pieces 'till I'm bleeding, if that don't make it right..."
My heart was pounding away as I listened to Edward. His tone of his voice was so deep and rich, I could have spent all day wrapped in.
"Just like the clouds my eyes will do the same..."
I looked up at him. We were so close, almost nose-to-nose. I looked at his lips, and saw him looking down at mine. Our dance had slowed to a stop and we were frozen in the motion, even in time, or at least it felt that way.
And then he was kissing me.
It was a gentleman's kiss and it was everything I had ever imagined. His lips were warm and soft. A moment later we broke it off, and as he looked into my eyes I saw some unfathomable emotion there, something I'd never seen on his face before. We had crossed the threshold from our safe friendship into the unknown. That was the moment I was sure that nothing would ever be the same.
I was wrong.
The next day, and the day after that, and forever on from that point he treated me like he always had. Like the kiss had never happened. He never brought it up and I was too chicken to do it myself. If we had stepped into the unknown for a moment then Edward had stepped back into our friendship, pulling me with him, and the kiss blended into our history, apparently forgotten.
"Wow," said Alice as I finished. Rosalie put her arm around me and squeezed, kissing me on the forehead.
"It's okay," I said, putting the chocolate down and rubbing Rose's red lipstick off my forehead. "It was a long time ago. Nothing like that ever happened again." I sighed, and Alice shook her head.
"You have to move on from Edward," she said softly, "Or you'll spend forever pining after him."
"You're right," I said, and though my voice shook for once I heard conviction in it. I was sick of crying over Edward Cullen. "I-I think it's time."
The doorbell went off, breaking the moment. "Ooh, pizza's here," said Rosalie, jumping up to get it. Alice gave up on Nightmare on Elm Street and switched it for Wild Child, a favorite of ours back when we were teenagers.
"Ladies?" called Rosalie. "There's someone here I'd like you to meet."
Feeling confused, I got up with Alice and we went to the door. Standing there was a guy about our age. He was tan, with brown eyes, cheekbones I could cut myself on and something distinctly boyish about the smile on his face. He smiled appreciatively at me and winked at Alice.
Psch, flirt, I immediately labelled him, but there was no malice in my thought.
"This is Jacob. He finishes his shift tonight in just an hour. My friend here-" at this point, Rosalie pushed me forward, "-needs someone to take her mind from her troubles."
"I'm your man," said Jacob jokingly, winking. I felt my cheeks burn a little, but not because I had any real worry about what he thought. I was surprised he could even keep his eyes on me with the other two around. Alice was in black silk pajamas and her hair was free of the products she usually used to spike it up. Instead it fell down, nicely framing her face. Rosalie hadn't gotten changed yet and looked even better, in her red heels and skinny-leg jeans. In my blue boxers and pink singlet, probably with chocolate and ice cream on my face, I'm sure I wasn't any sight compared to them.
Jacob, however, didn't seem concerned and happily accepted the piece of paper that Rosalie gave him with my name and number.
"I'll be here to pick you up at seven-thirty," he promised.
"Um, see you later then," I said. He gave me one last grin before he left.
I turned to Rosalie. "You hooked me up with the pizza delivery guy?" I yelled as soon as I was sure Mike was out of ear-shot.
"That statement only applies if you actually hook up," teased Rosalie.
"Rose."
"You were talking about moving on," said Rosalie pointedly.
"Yeah, but I wasn't too sure pizza delivery guy was a good place to start," I hedged.
"So you can work your way to the top," said Rosalie. "Don't judge the man by his part-time job."
"Besides, he was cute," said Alice with a tone suggested of finality that suggested that fact alone made all arguments invalid.
It took a lot of arguing and some struggling but eventually I relented and let the other two get me ready for my date. I had to admit, by the end of it I didn't look too bad. My hair was piled into a bun on the top of my head with a few wisps of hair loose, brushing my cheeks. Minimal make up, skinny jeans and a nice top that I borrowed from Alice.
"We did well," said Alice proudly.
"You did okay," I grudgingly admitted.
Sure enough, at seven thirty exactly there was a knock at the door. I opened it to face Jacob in a tight black shirt, black jeans and converse. He looked phenomenally better out of his pizza delivery uniform, especially since his shirt showed off the fact that he clearly worked out. All in all, Rose was right – he was cute. I gave him a small smile and he grinned back, that boyish element back in his face.
Actually, he reminded me a little of Seth.
"I was thinking we could go to the movies, or something," he said as we took the elevator down. Which is how we ended up in a dark cinema with just a few other couples scattered on the edges of the room, watching Paranormal Activity 4.
Jacob whispered in my ear, "Some comedy, huh?" I could feel myself blushing in the dark at his husky voice.
"I'm just glad I've found someone else who thinks scary movies are as funny as I do," I whispered back, giggling. We were silent again for a few moments, before Jacob suddenly cleared his throat.
"Um, I was wondering, if..."
If what? If he could what? Kiss me? I panicked and froze, not sure how to answer. What would I do if he tried? Kiss him back? Slap him around the head with the popcorn box?
"...if this would be okay?" I felt Jacob's warm hand in mine. I relaxed and interlocked our fingers, feeling the roughness of his palm.
"Yeah, that would be okay," I said, surprised to find that it really was. I was also surprised to realize that I liked Jacob. He was funny, and nice.
But he wasn't... I pushed the thought away and the pang of pain that came with it. I refused to let him ruin my nice night.
"I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed," Jacob said as we left the cinema.
"Why?" I asked.
He smiled. "Whilst I am happy to find a fellow scary movie cynic, I was originally hoping you'd be scared. You know, so I could be all manly and comfort you," he said, winking. But his underneath the joke I sensed a tone of seriousness and I automatically blushed in response. Judging from his widening grin, he'd seen. Mom always said my face is like an open book.
I slipped my hand into his, and his face was initially surprised, but then he lapsed back into his boyish smile.
"What now? Pizza?" I asked teasingly.
Jacob laughed. "Actually, I was thinking ice cream."
As we ate ice-cream shop in the little shop down the road from the movies, Jacob and I talked. He wasn't a full-time pizza delivery boy, he said, laughing. He was studying engineering at the moment and was already a qualified mechanic.
"I love cars, and motorbikes," he said enthusiastically. "I re-built a 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit when I was a teenager."
"Wow, that's impressive," I said,meaning it. When I was a teenager I read Pride and Prejudice cover to cover a million times and lazed around in front of the TV.
"You don't know what a 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit is, do you?"
"No," I immediately admitted with a grin. Jacob didn't seem to mind though as he laughed.
I told him about my studies in literature to go into publishing. I also told him something else that I rarely told anyone else.
"I only really want to go into publishing to become an author," I admitted.
"Really? Do you write much?" he asked enthusiastically and I blushed.
"Um, a little. Not really up your alley, though," I said, thinking of my stories. The majority of them consisted of a tragic heroine desperately in love with a hero who never noticed her. The phrase 'story of my life' has never been more accurate. If they say to 'only write what you know', I was forever doomed when it came to plot variability.
"Romance, huh?" said Jacob, guessing straight away with a chuckle. "I'd try anyway, for you," he said with a wink.
By the end of the date we were walking hand-in-hand back to the apartment. He insisted on walking me to my door, and as we stood outside of it, he suddenly became nervous again. "I had a great time tonight," he began.
"So did I," I answered truthfully. A very awkward silence followed and as I looked at Jacob, I realized the truth. My heart ached and it felt hard to breathe, like my throat was constricting.
Jacob was amazing, but the only guy I could think of wasn't the one standing in front of me, it was the one sleeping on the other side of that door. It seemed pointless even to try and fight against it. My fresh resolve, new found only earlier this evening, crumbled into dust as I admitted the truth.
My heart would always belong to Edward.
"I'm sorry," I said softly, deciding I owed it to Jacob to be honest. "I don't... don't think we should do this again. At least not on a date. I did have a great time, but... I'm... I'm in love with someone else." I swallowed.
Jacob seemed crestfallen as he sighed. "Damn, I just can't catch a break," he said jokingly, but his voice betrayed his hurt.
"I... it's complicated," I said quietly. But he smiled.
"It's okay. Really. Thankyou for a great night," he said, grinning as he kissed the back of my hand.
"Thanks, Jacob," I said honestly. "Actually, could you give me your phone for a second?" He handed me his and I pulled out my own phone. My number was already in there, but I quickly keyed another one in.
"I have a friend who I think would be perfect for you. Her name's Vanessa... I think you should take her out sometime." Nessie would love me for it later. He was exactly her type and the girl had a thing for abs. I hadn't seen Jacob's, of course, but from his shoulders alone I would certainly put my money on it.
He grinned. "I'm getting the numbers of all the hot chicks tonight," he said jokingly.
"If you ever want to hang out again, as friends, that'd be great," I said shyly.
Jacob hesitated. "I just... have one last request," he said, and he looked at me, eyes smoldering. "Would it be okay if I stole a kiss before I left?"
Hmm. Would it be okay? I did find it sweet that Jacob had asked for the personal passes he had made tonight. He hadn't been pushy and he was a really great guy. It was just one kiss, right? It was the least I could do.
"It's not stealing if I give it to you," I said, blushing at the cheesiness of the line. But Jacob smiled. His warm palms were on my cheeks, and I shut my eyes as he kissed me. It was sweet, but there were no fireworks.
That's when Edward opened the door.
"What are you- oh," said Edward awkwardly as we broke the kiss. "I didn't... you've been gone for ages," he said, his tone suddenly disapproving.
Jacob looked at me, his eyebrows raised. So this is him, huh?
"I'll see you later. Thanks again for a great night," he said as he kissed my cheek and left.
I stood there facing Edward, hugging myself. His own arms were crossed and he tapped his foot impatiently. With the look Edward was giving me I felt vaguely like I was a rogue teenager who had sneaked out of my bedroom and Edward was the condescending parent.
No, worse than that, I thought, feeling sick. Like he's an older brother.
Suddenly I felt a surge of anger. Why was he acting this way? It was only... I looked at my phone. Okay, so it was midnight. Still, me coming in late had never bothered him before. I am an adult. I angrily pushed past him into the apartment.
"Where have you been? Who was that guy?" Edward threw questions at me as he shut the door behind me. Fuming, I flung my wallet and phone – probably not the best of ideas – onto the kitchen bench and rummaged around in the fridge for a drink.
"Answer me," Edward demanded, his voice ringing with authority.
"For your information, I went on a very nice date with a guy called Jacob," I said. I pulled out cruisers, the only alcohol we had, feeling annoyed that it wasn't something stronger.
"Date?" Edward swallowed nervously. "What did you do?"
"We went to the movies and he took me out for ice cream," I grumbled, annoyed that I was still answering his questions as I poured myself a glass. "Do you want one?"
Edward ignored my question. "Did he treat you right? Did he try and make a pass?" he asked in a harsh voice. I looked up and realized he was actually fuming. His lips were pressed tightly together as he glared at me. His hands were shaking slightly and he kept running his hands through his hair, a sure sign he was agitated.
His eyes burned. "Well?" he snapped.
"Jacob was a perfect gentleman," I snapped back. "Not that it's any of your business, or anything."
At those words, Edward seemed to relax and loosen. "I'm sorry," he said weakly. sitting on the bench. "I just... I worry about you. You know that." He paused. "And, uh, yeah, I will have that drink."
I glared at him for a moment, then relented like I always did. I poured half of the cruiser into a glass and handed him the rest of the bottle and we both took a drink.
His eyes, always green, were boring into me. He might have calmed down but there was still adrenaline pumping through my veins. As his lip shaped a perfect 'o' around the neck of the bottle I wanted so badly to kiss him. Not just kiss him, but for him to pin my hands to the wall and crush himself to me.
I bit my lip, waiting in the awkward silence, until I finally blurted out what I was thinking.
"Why did you never talk about that kiss?"
"Huh?" asked Edward, confused. "What kiss?"
Oh, crap. Well, if I'm going to hell, I might as well do it properly.
"Do you remember, when we were sixteen you took me to the fall formal, and we kissed? And then after that you never talked about it again. Why? Why is that? Why didn't you-" I shut up, dangerously close to rambling.
Edward didn't answer, instead looking down at the cruiser bottle in his hands, his fingers tracing the opening of the bottle. Strong hands, long piano-playing fingers that I wanted to badly to be running up and down my sides.
"Why did you never... did you ever see me as anything other than your little sister?" I demanded, tears forming in my eyes. I knew I cried when I was angry – it was something I had always hated – but this time I wasn't sure how I felt, mad or otherwise. Still Edward remained silent in front of me.
It took him a while to answer.
"You never spoke about it either," he said softly. "I just... assumed that was how you wanted things."
I stared at him. It seemed unreal to be getting answers to my questions after years of wondering.
"Of course I found you attractive. You're beautiful," he said, his gravelly tones going straight to my heart as he looked at me. "You always have been. But at the time, you were too important to lose in... that kind of relationship. If I lost you, I never could have forgiven myself. If it hadn't worked out-"
"What if it had?" I whispered. "What if it had worked out? Edward... you never gave us a chance."
Edward stared at me for a long time, before finally reaching forward and taking my phone. He flicked through a few of the options, typing something in, and as put the phone back on the kitchen bench top. After a few seconds an achingly familiar tune played from the speakers.
"If you leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door..."
He stood up and held his hand out to me, repeating the words he had said all those years ago.
"Well, Miss Swan, may I have the pleasure of your hand for this dance?"
Through my tears I couldn't help but smile. "But of course, Mr Cullen."
His left hand gripped my waist and his right hand slipped into mine, our fingers slowly threading through each other. I lay my head on his shoulder and cried. Even in silence he was a comfort to me, his arm slipping around my waist, holding me more securely to him.
"There'll be no sunlight if I lose you, baby..." I could feel the vibrations through his chest as he sung softly to me. I hummed along, but not loudly enough to drown out his voice in my ears.
We were a little better at dancing now then we had been all those years ago as he spun me around with one hand. Facing him again, the song came to a slow stop and we were once again facing each other, so close.
It was him who kissed me first.
It was hard and passionate and spoke of all the time lost, all the kisses we'd never had. I felt his tongue sweep against my lips and I responded, letting him deepen the kiss. I could never get enough of this taste, which was the sweetness of the cruiser and something else I couldn't pinpoint, something entirely Edward. My hands tangled through his hair, tugging on the bronze locks as his hands at my hips pulled me closer to him, as close as we could get.
Then his phone went off.
He abruptly broke off the kiss. My lips were left numb, and both of us were breathing heavily. Edward looked at me, his perfect face in an expression of shock and horror at what he'd done. The silence was broken only by the shrill bells of Edward's ringtone.
Then he said what I dread to hear.
"That was a mistake. I-I'm so sorry."
He moved forward to my frozen frame and gently placed a kiss on my forehead.
"You're right," he said softly. "I never did give us a chance, and it's something I'll regret everyday. But that was a long time ago. And... I'm in love with someone else now."
He moved away into the next room, but he paused at the door.
"I really am sorry, Tanya," he said to me. His eyes were sad, but I knew him too well. I knew when he woke up in the morning he wouldn't regret his words now, just the kiss. Would he tell his precious Isabella, or would he forget it ever happened? Because I never would.
I whispered back, "I'm not."
He gave me one last look, and then shut the door. Through the wall I could still hear him talking to his girlfriend.
"Hey, Bella, how are you? I missed you, love."
My name is Tanya Swan. For as long as I can remember, I have been hopelessly, desperately and completely in love with Edward Cullen. But this is a love that is destroying me, and even if I don't ever want it to stop, it has to.
So I made my decision, and walked out of that apartment, and out of his life.
That was the last night I ever saw him.
But I haven't stopped loving him.
And I'm worried that I never will.
AN: What did you think? Were you surprised, or did you totally see me trying to pull the proverbial wool over your eyes? ;D
I was trying to explain to a non-ffner why Fifty Shades of Grey could be published without copyright stuff, and was explaining AH. Basically what I said was that, "I think people like the security. You know that Edward and Bella are meant to be together no matter what. No matter how many times they argue, or how many times he acts like a prick, or her parents harass them you know it's going to be okay in the end. You know Alice and Jasper will marry even before they meet each other." And I started on that line, and thought about other fics were Tanya breaks up with Edward so he can be happy with Bella, even though she loves him (there's a few) and thought Tanya was a little understated on the ffn scene.
Thankyou to Jerri-bean for being my beta even though you had more important things to do with your life. And to Izzy, the reason why I write, although you may hate me now.
Please leave a review :D