Title: 5 ways not to…

Author: Jammeke

Summary: 5 ways not to... Get stuck in a Stargate, fall off a balcony, die... You name it; it's in here. This is your personal not to do-guide, which will hopefully keep you alive in Pegasus. The most occuring subjects are being treated; you should be safe with this in your bag.

AN: I do not have a Beta. Any mistakes are mine.

Also, (AN.) stand for author's note in this story, but they're not my own notes. They're additions added by the creators of this guide, namely team Sheppard, Weir, Carson and the rest of the gang. Don't get confused.

5 Ways not to…

…Get stuck in a Stargate with your Puddle Jumper

1) Travel by feet.
2) Do not get distracted by, say, enormous bugs who have attached themselves to the neck of your CO.
3) Just retract your engine pods.
4) Do not lose your forward momentum upon entering the Gate.
5) Do not enter the Gate at all

… Die (AN. If you are, in fact, Daniel Jackson, you can skip this part)

1) Keep breathing (dying breaths do not count)
2) Avoid sentences along the lines of: 'It can't get any worse,' or 'We made it'.
3) (AN. Do not try this at home!) Go on suicide missions at least twice a season. Sheppard still looks quite healthy for someone who should've died at least three times!
4) Do not encounter: Wraith, Genii or Replicators. Granted, there are many more dangers in the Pegasus Galaxy, but this should be a good start.
5) Remember: Seeing Lt. Colonel Sheppard in your dreams is nice. Do not get literally scared to death.

… Transform into a bug

1) (AU. This is to you overconfident men out there!!) Don't think you can take out a female wraith, because they do not fight, they scratch.
2) Upon reading the word: 'Retrovirus' on a flask in the infirmary; move slowly backwards and run when you get the chance.
3) Do not befriend John Sheppard, because he attracts bugs like bees on honey. Or Rodney McKay's on chocolate cake.
4) Do not alter your DNA, even should you feel the urgent need.
5) Transform into something else.

… Get cut off from Earth

1) Bring along a ZPM and, preferably, a Rodney McKay.
2) Do not leave Earth at all, which is a little too late, since you're already in Pegasus. This is the famous 'I told you so' part, where we all get to laugh right in your face.
3) Bring Earth along wherever you go.
4) Buy yourself a personal Daedalus and stick it in your pocket.
5) Do not blow up the DHD, Stargate, dialling crystals or anything needed to ensure your trip home. (AN. You can use your C4 for other stuff, like clearing stumps, vanquishing superbugs or (AN.2 Do not try this at home) building nuclear bombs…

… Get blown up in an Ancient Satellite

1) No matter what, always draw the shortest straw.
2) Do not even consider overloading the re-rooted circuits.
3) Do not get shot at by Wraith Hive Ships.
4) Make sure that, whenever you enter one, there is always enough time to, say, leave one.
5) (McKay wishes to tell you all that you should) Avoid the things at all costs.

TBC...