The Life That Led Us Here
"I never saw myself wanting children, nor was I expected to survive the war." Katniss tells herself. "Now everytime I see Peeta with our children, I know that it was somehow all worth it, even loosing Prim". Katniss and Peeta's lives after the war. One shot.
I don't own a thing, just my love for the characters and whatever you don't recognize.I do know this has been done quite a lot but I do hope you like it!
We get married. For real this time a few years after the war. We might still be too young but somehow I know that after what we have been trough, Peeta and I are more grown up than what we seem to be.
He rebuilts his family's bakery. The one that has now become our own. Still, there is bits and pieces here and there that remind us of the people we've lost, mainly our siblings. HIs brothers and Prim.
Prim is the only reason I even consider the possibility of having a child. Or maybe it's Peeta's eyes whenever he sees Annie and Finnick's son that makes me want to give him the only thing he asks of me.
Yeah, that's the reason, doing it for Prim would be too painful of a reason, too masochistic of me to want to care for someone the way I did her. And somehow Peeta knows that so he doesn't push.
Not for the first ten years of our lives as husband and wife. But we do see the few friends we have, find love and have time for babies, we are of course, the honorary Godparents, but never the ones giving birth to a child.
Even Johana has managed to become someone's parent, even though I'd credit her husband for that, he like Peeta is all in for babies, and they have four beautiful girls to prove it. Then there's Annie. She's been raising her son on her own for more than a decade now, but I don't muster on it too much because there is me thinking of Finnick and wanting to push the children idea from my mind once again, because of all the people I've lost in this world, and how it would be selfish of me to bring a child in this world we live in, in which Peeta still has flashbacks and episodes and I have a nightmare almost every night.
Yeah, that would be incredibly selfish.
But now there's Gale and the fact that he is a parent now too. I haven't seen him in so long but I do now what he's been up to. He is all settled down now. With my old school friend, Madge out of all people. She had survived the bombings after all.
"You are a natural." Delly tells me. She has taken upon herself to help out at the bakery now, since most of District 12 is back to it's busy self again, old faces have come back and new begin to settle as things are in a turn of change. It seems odd though that people has wanted to come back, mostly because of how things went down and how me and Peeta are sort of legend here in 12. What is truly a legend though is Peeta's cheese bun's and how much children love them, including Delly's little ones. "Do you ever think about it?" Delly goes on asking as I hold the youngest of her children in my arms as we watch Peeta and her husband with the other ones. "Just imagine how adorable a little boy who looked just like Peeta would be..."
I do wonder, I've wondered that ever since I married Peeta. I've wondered that too after we lay in bed together at night, cuddled in each otherscompany . I can feel him tracing circles on my belly when he thinks I am not looking.
"Katniss?" He asks me one night, after all the wondering has filled my eyes with tears and I am not even aware of it. "What's wrong?"
"Why did you marry me Peeta?" I ask. He's looking at me with a frown and the sweetest smile appears on his face as he kisses my chin, I am sure he can taste my salty tears as he does.
"Because I love you, I always have and always will."
"Even though you don't have everything?" I rest my weight on my elbows as I pull away from him. I sit far away , at the edge of the bed; and I feel his body behind mine, nothing but the sheets between us as tears threathen my eyes again.
"Not everyone has everything Katniss." He tells me. "And as far as everything goes, I think it's pretty safe to say that I do have it all, all I want."
"No you don't." There's bitterness in my voice and I hate it because he's willing to go on without a child because he loves me and I think about what Haymitch had said, that I'd never deserve Peeta.
Safe to say I have a dream that one night and it goes something like this.
it's still early as I wake up, adjusting to the little light there is in the room. My bedroom, which I share with Peeta. Nothing is that diferent from my life now except for the small body of a child between us, a little girl with dark hair, she's curled up in a ball as her eyes open, slowly, staring at me.
I barely move as she musters. "Good morning mommy," and my eyes widen, because in this world, where nothing seems to have changed, a lot has. I am someone's mother. As I think this over I notice for the first time that the other half of the bed is empty.
"Sweetie, don't tell me you woke mommy up?" Peeta comes out the bathroom with nothing but boxers on.
"I did not daddy, honest!" She pips in. "Right mommy?"
"Right " I say. Peeta looks over at me, he knows there's somethng wrong but he brushes it off because now our child is obviously calling for his attention and he gladly gives it.
"In that case, let's go and try to get breakfast on the table, what do you say? "
"Yup, yummy daddy..." She lets herself be picked up by Peeta and he tells her he'll be right behind her.
He climbs back to bed for a moment and I'm staring into his deep blue eyes as he kisses me."Good morning, I'm making pancakes, wait for you in a minute?"
"Daddy! " our child squeals as she has probably waited long laughs and kisses me again.
Let's just hope she doesn't wake up Rye."
And just like that, he's gone.
And so is the dream. I am alone in bed, no child or Peeta in sight and I feel this immense void in my chest like something is missing, like it was when I first lost my sister.
I find my husband at the bakery, getting a move on, on today's busy schedule. But it's still dark outside and we won't open for a few hours.
"Good morning sleepyhead." He's so glad to see me even though we argued last night. And thats Peeta for you. He's so kind and true to himself and mostly he just loves unconditionally. He gives me a sweet kiss and I feel like a teenager once more.
He goes back to his task at hand, and I sigh, getting ready for another day at the bakery. But the thought won't leave me alone. "Peeta?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really sorry we fought, I didn't mean to..." He turns to me, cleans his hands off and grabs my face gently, I try lowering it, but he lifts up my chin.
"It's alright do you hear me? Whatever you want, if it's just the two of us Katniss, it's fine with me as long as I have you."
"I love you." I tell him as he hugs me, so close that I feel like I'm chocking, not that I am complaining.
"I love you too Katniss."
The dreams don't go away, but they are certainly welcome instead of nightmares of our times in the games.
The feeling of emptiness I felt that first time when I woke up after my fight with Peeta hasn't changed either.
At one point we do get a dog, because he's the closest thing to a child we have to care for. I don't agree to it first and neither does old Buttercup, but somehow I let my adorable husband and his new friend get the best of me and make me agree to it.
We name him Pip, it's ridiculous but adorable like the carrier of the name, the one who sleeps by my bedside and keeps me company in the mornings when Peeta is busy with work.
And still it isn't a child. It's never a child.
Then it happens. The dream that includes Prim, her and my children and she tells me never to let go of hope, because that's what my children are, they are the reminder of a life filled with joy and promise.
We are always careful, maybe too careful, full of old remedies and over thinking. But there's this night when all my safety nets are down and I let Peeta know that maybe he's waited too long for a child, and that we both deserve our own little glimpse of hope and whatever else the future has to offer.
"Katniss, please tell me again if you are sure about this, there's no going back once we do this." And so I nod and I feel him within me, and it's not without tears because for some reason this is truly what I want.
The first time I tell him, he can't belive me so I drag him along with me to the bathroom and take another test. "Now you can see it for yourself." I tell him as I show him the result, it's positive, he's going to become someone's father and I couldn't be happier.
"We're having a baby. " He picks me up right then and there, kissing me. His hands instanltly going to rest on my still flat tummy."I love you so much Katniss. " He tells me.
And yes, I can't wait for the moment our child is born.
But it's not all easy, no matter how much we both want it. I still have nightmares about all the people we've lost and Peeta still struggles with himself, so we're both terrified by the prospect of loss and uncertainty. Specially when it becomes a reality.
We're having a baby girl.
Willow comes into the world with her daddy right beside her, ready to give up everything for her, like he'd done for me. "She's perfect. " Peeta gives her to me and the moment she opens her eyes I know I am sold out. She has her daddy's eyes.
"Thank you." My husband says with such love and devotion it makes me weak in the knees. She's here and she's ours. Just like in my dreams.
There's this night that I come home from locking up the bakery that I find Peeta and Willow, she's resting on his chest, his breathing working like a made up lullaby. Peeta looks over at me, half sleep as I slide myself next to him. Our baby girl safely in his arms.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Just as as she came, she began to grow up. Having her daddy wrapped around her little finger. By the time I turn around and see it, she's already going to school. It terrifies me to know that she's learning more about the role Peeta and I had in The Games.
Peeta says it will be alright.
And then we find out we're going to be parents to a little boy. We name him Rye.
This is us now, me walking Willow to school, hand in hand. Her pigtailed hair bouncing up and down as I hold Rye close to my chest. I kiss her and make sure to tell her how much I love her and that daddy will be there to pick her up later. She kisses me waving goodbye as she goes.
Peeta comes home a bit before its time to pick Willow from school. Rye is so excited to see him, he throws himself at his father and matching curls meet as Peeta tosses him in the air, that's a lot of excitement for a two year old to handle, I tell him, but it's his favorite thing in the world. "Daddy! " He squeals and Peeta is more than happy to see him smile again.
Then we put our two children to bed and it's perfect. Our lives are good.
It's in nights like this that I remember my dreams, the ones I had almost 20 years ago, of a life I thought I'd never had and think of how much I love Peeta and my family, our perfect little boy and girl who he had craved for,for so long.
I remember having to tell Peeta I was late. He didn't really catch on at first but when he did, his first reaction was to ask me if I was okay. Sure, this wasn't ideal, but it wasn't the worst thing either.
But this pregnancy had in fact been harder than my last two. Not that I was old or anything, really, maybe it was just bad timing. And I cursed under my breath. Had I waited too long?
All that I remember is a sharp pain and the feeling of blood, I woke Peeta up and he rushed me over with my mother who was staying with us for the time being, given I couldn't really work.
"No! It can't come yet, it's too soon!" I remember sobbing as Peeta dried my brow. He kisses my forehead and allows me to murder his hand in order to subside the pain. Then I woke up, finding myself at the hospital.
One more time Katniss, one big push!" The doctor says. By now, I'm exhausted and can't go on. But somehow and in between Peeta's words and the worry that overcomes me, we welcome another child.
"You stay with him, Peeta, you hear me?" I say between sobs, "Stay with him."
"Always " Peeta kisses me on the lips and brushes my cheek. "It'll be okay Katniss. "
And so they take him away.
Kyan doesn't have it easy, not even a little, he doesn't come home like her brother and sister did. He stays there, at the hospital and Peeta and I make it our mission that at least one of us is with him at all times.
"He's so small mommy, how come he looked bigger when he was in your tummy?, "Willow asks as I show her a picture of Kyan. We're still not able to hold him. And I know it breaks Peeta's heart. It pains me too.
"Don't worry munchkin, he's a though little guy" Peet's voice echoes, I know he's trying to reassure her as much as me but I share a glance with my husband I know he's trying to believe it himself.
"When is he coming home?" Willow asks for the tenth time and it kills me to know I can't give her a straight answer.
"Did we make a mistake?" I ask Delly as we watch Peeta with the children. "Did I?"
"What?" I know she can't belive me. And I don't want her to. I love my children, to an extent I never thought I'd love anyone other than Prim.
"Kyan is strong Katniss, you have to believe that." She tells me. "Just like you and Peeta."
Me and Peeta. Yes, I remember Haymitch saying that in The Games there weren't winners, just survivors and I try to live by that as I hold on to hope.
Hope that my son is as much as a survivor, as people make me out to be.
Annie comes to stay with us for a while, she and her son, who reminds me so much of his father is scary. He's now almost all grown up and I just cant think of my children like that just yet.
It's pretty scary, specially because of how much time Peeta and I spend at the hospital by our child's side. Annie and Delly make our lives a little easier as they help out in the bakery and with Willow and Rye.
"I don't know how much longer he can go on, like this, it's not really living." Peeta tells me as we watch Kyan sleep. He's voice is breaking and my heart is too.
We need a miracle. And somehow we get one.
The day that I can finally get to hold my baby, Peeta is by my side as he hands him to me, just like he'd done before, when Willow and Rye were born, given we didn't have that chance with Kyan because he was too small when he was born, It's like he's being born for the first time. He looks at me, with Peeta's eyes and it's all I need to remind myself that I have all I have ever wanted, even though I've waited so long to admit it.
"You're are so handsome, aren't you?" I tell Kyan as he holds on to my hand, Peeta is behind me. Kissing my forehead and staring at our son. "Just like your daddy."
"I think he looks like you."
"Nah, he's all you." I tell him as he holds our baby boy. Willow and Rye come into the room a while later, followed by Haymitch.
"He's still small mommy, " Willow says in a matter of facty way which makes me smile.
"Of course he is." Peeta tells her, "he's a baby."
"A baby? I'm no baby anymore daddy, right? " it's Rye our 3 year old who is glad he's a big boy now, and he'll always take care of his sister and little brother.
"You two outdone yourselves." Haymitch tells us as the kids sleep, our last day at the hospital, thank goodness. "And you didn't want kids huh?"
"Shut up. " I tell my old mentor. He's grinning as I can't they my eyes off my children, and my husband who has fallen asleep right beside them.
Wlow is now seven and Rye has just turned 3, and my little baby boy is no more than 4 months old, almost three of which he spent with his life in odds at a hospital, but I think it's just that, Kyan is such a happy baby because he's grateful to be alive. And he's happy to be loved.
I've suspected for a while he's mostly like Peeta, quiet and kind but has an incredible amount of will and strength. Yep, he's just like him.
Nights are mostly quiet at home, regarding of the kids of course, Peeta and I are another story. We still have nightmares and episodes, but ever since we had children, they don't occur as much. Although when they do, I pray that neither Willow or the boys are around.
There was this one time, Rye was just over a year old and Peeta had an episode. It wasn't as bad but I couldn't keep Rye away from him, I tried but my son managed to waddle his way over to Peeta and grab his face, just like I had done hundred times before. "Daddy " he whispered. I was frozen in that moment as I watched my husband's features soften, he began sobbing as he held on to our baby
I find it fascinating, that my children have this power over us, to fill us with peace. "Peeta? "
"Yeah?" We lay in bed together with a child in each side, Rye is sucking on his thumb as his blonde curls fall over his face.
"This is perfect right?" I ask him, turning instinctively over to Kyan's crib not to far away.
"Pretty much, doesn't get any better than this." He leans to kiss my lips.
That feeling of happiness doesn't last long. I begin to notice things, things that didn't seem right with my youngest. He wasn't developing like his brother and sister had.
"Something isn't right. " I tell my husband one night, as we are finishing up with the bakery."He isn't crawling around...he can barely keep his head up."
"Katniss " Peeta comes over to me as I sit on a stool. "He did spend almost 3 moths at the hospital, they told us it might take him a little while..."
"They also told us being that premature could affect him as he grew." Peeta stares at me.
He knows I'm right.
We go visit Beetee. I know he's a genius even though not really a doctor, but it's someone I trust. He's old now, too old even to deal with somethng like this and yet he welcomes me and my family with open arms, even Haymitch comes along, he complains though, over the fact that he's on baby sitting duties.
"I thought you didn't want children after you lost that one baby. " oh yeah, I remember, even though he's my friend, he doesn't know the whole story, so he's heard what the news tell him, that the reason I was too heartbroken to have a child for so long was because I'd lost my first child during The Games all those years ago.
"People change, don't they?" I tell him, holding on to Kyan.
"They certainly do, sometimes... because certain situations change us." Beete tells me. "They make us revalue our lives and the people closests to us." Somehow I think he's talking about Wiress, and it makes me sad.
Somehow we run into Gale while in District 3, I don't really know why he's here since I thought he lived in 2, playing soldiers, Madge tells me though that they travel a lot. And this is just one of their many stops.
"He's adorable." I don't know whether she's referring to Rye or Peeta, who are playing nearby as she and I share a peaceful moment. I haven't really talked to Gale, barely seen him, and I know Peeta isn't too happy about being here, but after all this time I feel like I owe it to myself to make peace with what happened to my sister and what my relationship with Gale has turned into."Peeta is really good, huh?" I turn at my friend.
Yep. He's perfect. Specially as I see him fall to the grass, like he does every other Sunday at home and play with the kids, including Kyan, who is giggling along his siblings as Peeta lifts him up in the air.
"Hey Catnip." It's been forever since Gale and I have spoken, even longer since he called me that. "You look good, motherhood suits you " I smile.
"Gale..." I try to say something, I've rehearsed this, trying to be prepared to talk to him for years and now I can't utter a simple word.
"I'm sorry Katniss, I really am..." He's crying and all I see it's my best friend in need of a hug, not the man responsible for my sister dying
I don't know where I stand with Gale, maybe I'll never know but for now I give it a rest, as I have more important things to tend to
"So?" Peeta's words cut halfway. "There's not much to do?"
"There's always something to do." Beetee tells us. "The main thing is never to lose hope and never stop working on it. "
So we work on it. we do it for our son and ourselves. Kyan is strong. Delly's words echo in my head as I watch my son struggle and thrive in ways that I never thought possible.
He's the most articulate one year old there is, he's kind and outgoing, He sits tall on Peeta's shoulders whenever we go for a walk down at the meadow, and he's right there besides hs brother and sister whenever they make a mess at the bakery before opening.
He and Peeta have a special bond, we all can se it, Kyan feels like the fact his daddy has a prosthetic leg, it makes them alike, makes him just like Peeta, that he's not different from others, although Peeta and I are always telling him, he's most special because he's diferent. Everyone is. And to us ,he's perfect.
And thats more than okay.
Rye is at school now too, and Kyan will follow closely behind. So I try to cherish this last years I have of caring for one of my children in the mornings, although I'm not sure how I will handle Kyan going to school. I'm afraid for him, my children already carry weight because of the role Peeta and played during the war. That I don't want him to feel worse by going to school.
"Relax, Katniss." Peeta tells me one night in bed. "Kyan is a strong boy, he's going to be okay. "
"He's still so little." and so he is. But he's the strongest little guy I know. I smile when Rye tells me he'll help his little brother in anyway he can, whenever he does go to school and my eyes fill with tears.
And somehow I know that Peeta worries about Kyan and what the future has prepared for him.
We take the kids along with us to a local market they've set up. There's a playground nearby so the kids beg us to go, after we've done some shopping of supplies for the bakery.
"Watch out for your little brother alright sweetie?" I tell my nine year old. Willow nods as she and Rye set up for a run, Kyan is beside me on his stroller, his blue eyes follow his siblings along.
"What do you say if we go too buddy? See if we can carch up?" I hear Peeta tell our two year old, he's looking up in search of his daddy's arms as he picks him up. "You coming mommy? Peeta calls after me. And I see my two carbon copy boys turn around expectantly. Willow and Rye soon join Peeta. And they all come for me to join them. I take my time though. Admiring my family, one I never thought I'd have after I lost my father and Prim.
Because, I never saw myself wanting children, nor was I expected to survive the everytime I see Peeta with our children, I know that it was somehow all worth it, even loosing Prim
The End