Tony only discovered how badly Bucky was doing by accident and it wasn't even his fault.
The team had just come home from a blood boiling fight, bruised and battered, and with one close call too many to really feel comfortable. Everyone was chatting and making dumb jokes, still high from adrenalin, except Bucky. He was silent and stiff and didn't participate in their jest.
When the Quinjet finally landed on the tower he was out before Clint really stopped it. Steve called after him, worry finally setting in like it seemed, but Bucky just called back with "Shower" before he was gone.
When Tony was finally allowed to leave he went down to the workshop first to get out of the suit and let Jarvis run the necessary diagnostics before he went up to his suite. He desperately needed a shower and a good night's sleep, but when he entered his suite he could hear his shower already running.
Before he could ask Jarvis about it he spoke up. "Sir, I'm terribly sorry to inform you that Sergeant Barnes is currently occupying your shower."
"Eh…why?" Tony asked, a bit thrown off.
"I'm not sure, Sir. He seemed disoriented and didn't react to me."
Tony was too tired for this shit, he just wanted a damn long, hot shower and he would get it. He marched over to his bathroom, fully intending to barge in, nudity be damned, but he stopped at the door when he heard the first sob.
Tony carefully opened the door, much slower than he originally planned, and what he saw drained him of the rest of the fight that was still in him. Bucky was curled up under the shower, shaking hard, even though the water seemed to be scolding hot, if the steam was any indication. He was pressing a hand to his mouth obviously trying to stifle the sobs and spectacularly failing due to the force of them.
Tony silently closed the door again, not wanting to upset Bucky any further and retreated back to the living-room. He scrapped a hand over his face before he asked Jarvis "Does he do that a lot?"
"According to the spike in his vital signs, every time after he comes home from a mission."
That was quite disconcerting given that Bucky had gone out on missions with them for the past eight months. That amounted to a lot of time breaking down in the shower.
Tony turned his gaze back to the bathroom before he went to the elevator. It wasn't like there weren't enough guest-floors with bathrooms in his tower. "Let me know when he's done, J" Tony said before he finally got his own shower.
When Tony was toweling himself dry Jarvis hadn't said anything about Bucky being done but Tony wasn't about to let himself be steered away from his own floor. Besides, he needed some clothes that weren't sweat soaked.
He went back to his level and the shower was indeed still running but Tony padded past the door to get to his bedroom. He changed into something comfortable and then settled down on the couch. He didn't see any sense in trying to pretend Bucky hadn't been on his floor and he thought someone should maybe talk to him.
It didn't seem like he was doing so well and Tony knew a thing or two about panic attacks and the mess that followed them. Sure, Tony wasn't one to voluntarily talk about feelings, least alone his own, but he would be willing to talk about it with Bucky. He liked the guy and it seemed like he could really need someone to talk to. And if that wasn't what Bucky wanted then maybe it would at least help to know that Tony would be there for him.
While Tony had no problem with nudity, especially if it came to someone as fit as Bucky, feeling-talk should only take place when properly clothed. Tony quickly debated whether to lend Bucky some clothes or not but since the sobbing had stopped he was certain that Bucky would notice if he put them in the bathroom.
It took Bucky longer than expected to emerge from the bathroom and it seemed like he only noticed he was on the wrong floor when he saw Tony. He was clothed in his battered uniform again and his hair was standing up in all directions. There was no trace that indicated he just had a major breakdown but Tony wouldn't be fooled.
Bucky quickly looked around the floor before he slumped his shoulders. "I didn't realize" he mumbled. "I'm sorry. I'll leave now." He was walking by Tony when he put his tablet down.
"Why don't you stay?" he asked and Bucky turned back to him.
"And have a talk?" he asked in return and sounded almost like himself. "I don't think so."
When he was turning back around Tony got up. "I can help you."
"I'm already seeing a therapist, you know." He didn't turn around as he said it but Tony could still see that he clenched his hand.
"That's not what I meant" Tony answered and finally Bucky turned back around to face him.
"What do you mean then?" he sounded guarded but he was definitely intrigued.
"I guess this happens a lot?" Tony asked and gestured at the bathroom door.
"So what?" Bucky was back to being defiant now and Tony sighed.
"It doesn't look like you want someone to know. Would be a hell of a lot easier if someone would cover for you."
"You gonna be that someone?" Bucky asked and raised an eyebrow.
"I know now, don't I?" he shrugged.
"Why do you think I need someone to cover for me? I managed fine until now."
Now it was Tony's time to raise an eyebrow. "Oh really? And how many times did Steve go after you cause you acted strangely? How often did he corner you before you could make it to your floor? How did that go, by the way?"
The murderous glare he received for that was answer enough. "And what are you gonna do about that?" Bucky eventually asked and tried to come off as uninterested as possible but Tony could see that it wasn't the case.
Tony had quite some time to think about that while he had waited for Bucky to emerge and so he didn't hesitate before he said "You have to come down to the workshop more often. Pretend to hang out and help. Let me finally work on the arm." Bucky snarled at him then but Tony continued. "So after a mission I can say you have to help me with the suit or I have to check over the arm. There's a shower in the workshop, you'll just have to bring down some spare clothes."
"And if there was no significant damage?"
"Then I can annoy Steve long enough for you to do whatever you need to in order to feel better." He said it jokingly but they both knew that Tony could pull that off.
Steve and Tony had a lot of fights over really unimportant small things, so it wouldn't be a problem for Tony to rile him up if he needed to. And he would do it if it would help Bucky.
Bucky regarded him curiously for a few minutes before he gave a sharp nod and said "Okay."
Tony expected more but that was all Bucky said before he turned around and finally left. Tony smiled to himself and wondered how long it would take Bucky to actually come by the workshop. Bucky had avoided the shop so far as well as he hadn't allowed anyone to touch the arm. It didn't seem to cause obvious problems without proper maintenance but Tony was pretty certain that it had to be degrading by now.
To Tony's surprise Bucky came down the next day. He was hesitant and looked around carefully especially eyeing the bots but in the end he settled down on the couch. They didn't really talk during that first day but the more often Bucky came down the more questions he asked.
He seemed intrigued by the bots and especially Jarvis and Tony found that he got nearly no work done when Bucky was in the workshop. Tony couldn't leave Bucky with just a half-assed explanation and so he had to lay out all the groundwork before he could even start to explain how Jarvis worked. Even then he kept enough parts to himself, he would never tell anyone the full code for Jarvis, and while Bucky still mostly seemed overwhelmed he was also very interested.
It took them three weeks of this before Bucky finally allowed Tony to take a look at the arm. And then it was only because he couldn't close his hand around the coffee mug and Tony had noticed that he had switched hands during breakfast. Tony really wanted to scold him for being so stubborn about this but he just raised an eyebrow and Bucky eyed the mug before he finally slumped.
"Fine. Take a look at it" he eventually mumbled without looking at Tony.
Tony suppressed his grin, he didn't want Bucky to change his mind immediately after all. When they came down to the workshop Tony pointed at Bucky's usual spot on the couch and Bucky looked surprised.
"What, no special chair for me?" he asked jokingly but Tony could hear the underlying tension.
"Didn't have time to build one yet. I'm only taking a look, relax" Tony quickly said when Bucky tensed up further at his first statement. "There will be no chair, Bucky. I can build everything so that we can work from the couch."
Bucky nodded, though he seemed still tense, but Tony forgot all about that when he got his hands on the arm for the first time. It was a work of beauty and he quickly lost himself in the work.
Once he understood he was quick to develop a plan for a completely new arm. The inner workings of the current one were a bitch to figure out, especially with his lack of biology and nerves, but rebuilding it was the most fun Tony had had in a while.
The team noticed the new arm soon enough of course but Tony made sure to tell them that it was still a work in progress, that there were some kinks that needed to be tended to and that it was no way near perfect yet. Bucky shot him a thankful look for that and as it turned out they needed that cover story only a day later.
Some idiot scientist had made some experiments with apes and now they were all over the city, clever and strong, and fighting them was really tiresome. They weren't particularly hard to take out but getting a hold of them was a different story. It took them nearly four hours to catch the last one and by then Bucky was already as white as a sheet. As soon as the jet landed on the tower Tony was by his side.
"The arm is damaged. I need to repair it."
Steve frowned at them and pointed at the meeting room. "Debriefing first."
Bucky was shaking in Tony's grip and he snapped at Steve. "It's hurting him. You can do without us. There were apes. We won."
He was already walking Bucky to the tower while he talked and thankfully Steve let them go.
As soon as they were out of sight Tony stepped back, making sure that he wasn't touching Bucky anymore. He was already breathing pretty heavily and Tony steered him in the direction of the elevator. As soon as they were in the workshop Bucky went into the bathroom and a minute later Tony could hear the shower.
He stayed in there for almost two hours and when he came out Tony had long showered himself and he was already tinkering with his suit. It had suffered some damage and Tony figured he could use the time now.
Bucky slumped down on the couch and Tony turned to him. "Why don't you just tell Steve the truth" he asked and Bucky huffed out a laugh.
"You think he would let me come to the missions if he knew?"
"Why are you on the missions? It doesn't seem to do you any good" Tony pointed out and Bucky stared down at his hands.
"The only memories about going on missions is killing someone. First in the war and then with Hydra. There is only death. But going with you guys…You safe people. Hell, the things we fight are hardly ever human, and I need that. I need to know that there are other things than killing." He shrugged now and clenched his fists. "It can't be helped that every time I pick up a weapon I hear the voice of my handler or see other targets through the scope." He looked back up at Tony know. "I need to hear your voices. To see the people I saved with this."
Tony could see the logic behind that and he understood. He also knew that Steve would probably see things a little differently and would most likely pull Bucky off the team, insisting that he needed more time to heal. The only worrying thing Tony could see was that it hadn't gotten any better in the eight months Bucky was fighting with them.
"You think it will ever go away?" he asked and Bucky sighed.
"I have seventy years of hearing my handlers and killing people. I think it will take longer than a few months to get over that."
Tony nodded and they fell into silence again.
They kept this routine up for the next few months, Tony successfully whisking Bucky away after every mission and it went well. He watched Bucky close during the missions checking that he didn't have a panic attack right then and there but Bucky kept himself together until the jet landed and Tony admired that. Whenever he had a panic attack they came full force and he had no hope of delaying them.
During the fourth month of their little agreement Bucky came down to the workshop in the middle of the night.
Tony was up because he couldn't quite figure out what the problem with his new repulsor was and he needed to solve this before he could even think about sleeping. When Bucky walked in he seemed spooked and immediately curled himself up on the couch without barely a glance towards Tony.
"You alright?" Tony asked and noticed that Bucky was shaking. He got up to get a blanket from a closet and he draped it over Bucky.
"Didn't sleep so well" was all Bucky said to him but Bucky clutched the blanket tightly around his shoulders and Tony chuckled.
"Yeah, I can see that. Try to get some rest here."
He went back to his workbench and when he turned back around to check on Bucky he was fast asleep.
After that night Bucky came down more often, usually still in the middle of the night and then he just stayed for the rest of the day. He always seemed shaken and afraid and Tony didn't even bother stashing the blanket away again.
"Why don't you tell Steve about the nightmares at least? He won't kick you off the team for that. We all have them."
Bucky tightened his grip on the blanket when he answered. "Steve is all…concerned and worried and he can't help but to make sure I'm alright by touching me."
He didn't go on but he didn't need to. Tony understood perfectly fine. He usually dreamt about the cave or Obadiah and touch was not a thing he welcomed after those dreams. It seemed too dangerous to let anyone close enough to touch him after he dreamt about those things. He guessed that Bucky was going through some similar feelings.
"I get it. Touch is not always a good thing."
"No" Bucky whispered and pulled the blanket up to his chin. "But you never try to touch me" he eventually said and looked at Tony. "You understand."
Tony nodded and flopped down next to Bucky on the couch, carefully, so he wouldn't brush Bucky accidentally. . "Yeah. I don't like…being touched after I had a nightmare either" he admitted and Bucky smiled at him.
"That's why I come down here."
"I'm glad you do" Tony confessed. It was a lot more fun working if Bucky was on the couch and giving him shit for going over an explanation too fast. He wouldn't say it out loud but being in the workshop wasn't as relaxing and fun as it used to be if Bucky wasn't there with him.
They didn't say anything after that and eventually fell asleep side by side.