Title: Cosmo's Cosmic Special Agents
Author: X_fairy
Disclaimer: The X-files belong to CC and Mulder and Scully belong to each other, not to me! No infringement intended!
Rating: PG, for the occasional swear word
Category: H, perhaps a bit of Kinsley/Stonecypher romance?
Spoilers: Huge Spoiler for Detour, and little ones for Colony and Jose Chung's
Feedback: Always!!
Archiving: Anywhere, with my name and addy, but please let me know!
Summary: Agents Kinsley and Stonecypher meet Cosmo.
Author's notes: I watched Detour the other day, and thought that Kinsley and Stonecypher are so stupid that they're likable again! The title came from a jump and run game I used to play as a child -- Cosmo's cosmic adventures. Oh, well, I suppose that means I should add it to the disclaimer -- now you know, Cosmo doesn't belong to me either!
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Cosmo's Cosmic Special Agents
by X_fairy
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"Stonecypher? You in here? Stonecypher? C..Carla? Carla...??" Agent Kinsley ran forward into the dark, but his partner didn't answer. Slowly but surely he was getting damn scared. "Carla?" he called one more time, then fell silent. Suddenly he felt a cool current of air on his cheek and started to walk towards it, but after a few steps, his foot hit -- thin air, and he fell into an abyss of which he could hardly hope to see the bottom. He screamed and disappeared into the darkness.
Agent Carla Stonecypher was determined to not let anything scare her. She called out in a harsh voice, "Mike? Stop that stuff, Mike, where did you go with that flashlight? Get here, and fast!" When her partner didn't react, she begun to get worried. It was not at all like him to make fun of her. Then she heard a scream than sounded quite a lot like Kinsley, and run in its direction, but suddenly the ground just disappeared under her feet, and she fell silently.
Soon she had lost every feeling for time or space, she didn't feel to be falling, more like a barely recognizable floating that seemed to lull her to sleep. The ghostlike touch of a hand on her forearm woke her immediately. A frightened voice asked, "Carla...?"
She sighed exasperatedly. "My god, Mike, you nearly scared me to death!" She searched for his hand and clasped it tightly in her own. "I'm not gonna let you get away again. Why the hell do you always have to get lost?"
*****
Scully sat in her office chair, twiddling her thumbs and waiting for her partner. When she felt her fingers where gonna fall off if she turned them one more time, he finally arrived, impossibly cheerful.
"Hi, Scully. Anything whole new and amazing this morning?"
She leaned forward. "Sit tight, Mulder, 'cause you're gonna *love* this. Remember Agents Stonecypher and Kinsley? The ones we were to accompany to that teamwork conference?"
Now she had his full attention. He cautiously asked, "Yes?"
"Well, they've been reported missing, and we're supposed to investigate their disappearance."
He groaned. "Oh no -- not those two! Scully, this could be done by any freshman right from the academy!"
"Perhaps. If he has read all our case files and experienced several strange encounters during his time there. Mulder, the guy who reported them missing said they disappeared right before his eyes!"
He grinned. "They didn't go back into those woods, did they?" His eyes were twinkling.
Now it was her time to groan. "No more Mothmen, Mulder!"
*****
"BOO!" An incredibly loud sound woke them up. Their eyes, used to utter darkness since about an eternity, where blinded by a bright glare. When their optic nerves had adjusted to the strain of seeing light again, they looked into a giant green face full of red dots. Its mouth opened, and in remembrance of the sound that had woken them, they covered their ears with their hands, but it was still deafening.
"HEY, ARE YOU GOOD OR BAD ? 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE BAD, I GOTTA JUMP ON YOU !"
"OF COURSE WE'RE GOOD!" Mike hurried to assure it.
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME ? MINE IS COSMO !"
"For heaven's sake, Mike, what *is* this thing?" Carla whispered.
"How the hell should I know? I haven't known it any longer than you do!" he hissed back.
"HEY, ARE YOU GONNA ANSWER ME OR WHAT? I THINK YOU MIGHT BE BAD...." Cosmo sounded like a whining child.
"NO NEED TO WORRY COSMO! WE'RE NOT BAD, WE WON'T HURT YOU!" Mike shouted, and at that moment he realized that Cosmo was exactly that -- a child -- although he couldn't begin to guess of what parents.
But being a child didn't keep Cosmo from lunging a them with hands that looked more than anything else like large red suction cups. He threw them across the... well, what was it, actually? Mike looked around, but the rest of the space was still pitch-dark, only Cosmo seemed to be glowing from the inside. And while they flew, they didn't feel they were being moved -- more like the room was moving around them.
"NOW ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME YOUR NAMES ???!!!!" Cosmo seemed to be really angry, and now he was screaming even for his volume.
Carla quickly covered her ears, then shouted back, "BEFORE YOU HURT ANYONE, MY NAME'S CARLA, AND THAT GUY OVER THERE IS MIKE! SATISFIED?" She was angry too.
Cosmo smiled a giant smile that made his glaring red hair stick up behind his head. "HEY, YOU'RE FUN!" He grabbed them and started to bounce them between his hands. The last thing Carla heard before she stuffed her fingers into her ears was Mike's scream, "NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" while Cosmo was laughing his deafening little-child-laughter.
*****
"Scully, that guy saw a whole bunch of nothing! They could be anywhere! As far as I know, they could be off on honeymoon!" Mulder paced the small office of the town sheriff. He was convinced that this was yet another punishment for him. Their so-called witness had had a very convenient blackout just the moment the agents had disappeared, and now he insisted on saying that the sky went dark -- at 10 in the morning -- phh!! The two had been in some small valley with the guy -- whatever they had been doing there was "classified" -- classified, ha! "Now are we supposed to find them or not? 'Cause if we are, we need ANYTHING to being with!"
Scully knew too well why her partner was fuming. They had been sent on one senseless mission too many, boozo work as he used to put it, and he sure as hell could use a real X-file now, but she felt that they'd have to find their colleagues or nobody would. "C'mon Mulder, let's go have a look at the scene," she said in her most conciliatory tone of voice.
*****
Carla Stonecypher felt as if she might end up deaf if she was bounced once more. Her whole body was numb. After Cosmo had used them as some sort of punching ball for an uncertain amount of time -- also he didn't really want to hurt them, he was only a kid, as she kept reminding herself -- he had put them on a branch of a tree that had appeared out of thin air just as Cosmo himself. After pulling her fingers out of her ears -- they felt as if they'd been driven halfway into her brain -- she looked over at her partner.
Michael Kinsley was ready to fall apart. His head was one large bump, and his brain seemed to be dripping down his nose. When he felt he was at least half conscious again, he gazed at Carla.
She stared at him in disbelieving shock. "My good, Mike! What happened to you?"
"What happened to *me*? What the hell happened to *you*? You look almost -- almost-- almost like HIM!"
They gazed down at themselves and then back at each other, completely dumbfounded.
When Cosmo came back to collect his new toys, he only heard them scream, "NOOOOO!!!!!" in unison, before they fell of the branch backwards.
*****
"What the...?" Mulder jumped back when he realized that he'd stepped into a large pile of... red goo? He quickly slipped out of his shoes, still vividly remembering what another sort of goo had done to Scully's shoes, and stared at them in disgust.
Scully laughed, "My god, Mulder, not everything is corrosive alien blood!" She went to pick up his sneakers and held them up in front of his face. "This is nothing but normal red goo!"
He reluctantly put the shoes back on, but meanwhile she had realized what she had just said -- *normal red goo*? "But what the heck is this stuff anyway?"
She put on a pair of rubber gloves and scratched around in it, and had soon found something even more astonishing, something that looked remarkably like a bright red hair -- only it was about four inches in diameter.
Mulder bent down beside her and examined it. "How the hell should I know?"
*****
Cosmo stood staring down at his little toys, pouting since they didn't react to his words. He carefully nudged them with his hand, but they only lay still. "WILL YOU WAKE UP NOW?"
Carla tried to look up at him from the corner of her eye. She hopped that by staying still long enough, he'd leave them alone again, and her theory seemed to be a success. But at that moment her partner sat up groggily.
"Oh my, what was THAT?"
Carla sighed resignedly, he was absolutely hopeless.
Cosmo started jumping up and down, what felt like an earthquake to Carla and Mike, and screamed happily, "THEY'RE STILL WORKING!!!" He picked them up and held them close to his eyes to examine them closely. "HEY, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING LIKE ME NOW??" He had been so happy to have some toys that *weren't* red and green, and now they were turning into it, too -- but, well, it didn't really matter. "C'MON, LET'S GO PLAY!"
Carla sighed deeply. Whatever, a few more bumps would hardly make a difference.
*****
"I can't seem to understand what use this could be." Scully climbed into the rubber boots she had insisted on getting before returning to the scene.
"You have to admit that a 4'' thick hair is not your average, and the DNA was... well, unearthly at best!"
"If that's your best, I don't wanna see the worst!" she joked and let him help her down the stony path, he didn't wear rubber boots as his shoes were already ruined. At a particularly steep passage, he reached for her hand, didn't look at the path for a moment, and slipped. A moment later, she bumped her head on his chin when they landed -- in the middle of a whole sea of red goo, the whole valley was covered.
Scully looked around, absolutely amazed. "What the heck is this stuff?"
"You mind getting off of me, partner? I'm sinking!" Mulder laughed.
She realized that she was almost totally on top of him, and blushed. "Oops, sorry..." She slid down beside him and immediately started to sink in, too. "Heavens, how deep is this?" Soon her boots were covered completely, then her knees -- when she had sunken in up to the waist, she felt the ground under her feet. "Phew, we're lucky, it's only a few feet." But she couldn't move anymore.
Mulder was more lucky than his partner, he stopped sinking an inch above the knees. He pulled and actually got a leg free. "Hey, Scully, I can walk!"
"Of course, and I can fly!"
Calling what he did *walking* was indeed exaggerated, but he could slowly pull free one leg at a time and take a step before he sank in again. In this enervating way he managed to get behind her, "Make yourself as light as possible, Scully." He grabbed her around the waist, painfully slowly pulled her out of the goo and lifted her up on his shoulders. "Just your luck you're not wearing a skirt today!"
And in this strange manner they started staggering around to examine the valley once more.
*****
While Cosmo was carrying them in utter darkness between his suction cup hands, Carla and Mike had the opportunity to talk undisturbed by him.
"Listen to me, Mike, or you're gonna regret it!" Carla hissed. She was still annoyed that he'd blown her cover, although it really wasn't his fault.
He held up his hands. "Surrender!"
"Okay, we'll try and just lie still for as long as possible, and hope he thinks we're dead, understood?"
He nodded, intimidated by her cold tone of voice.
A moment later, Cosmo opened his hands and dropped them in a large pile of red goo. Mike quickly swallowed some air, as his head sunk in. It was not very difficult to pretend to be unconscious, as he was close to really losing consciousness.
Cosmo picked on his toys as they fell down like dead flies. "HEY, ARE YOU DEAD?"
Carla lay absolutely still.
"WAKE UP!!!!"
Mike extremely slowly drew breath.
"I KNEW YOU'RE BAD!!!"
They went stiff, still vividly remembering what he threatened to do with *bad* people. But he just picked them up again. A moment later, an even larger green shadow appeared behind Cosmo. He was completely subdued. "OKAY, MUM, I'M GONNA PUT THEM BACK!" He carried them off into the darkness.
*****
"You're damn heavy, partner!" Mulder grimaced. He had been carrying Scully for only a few minutes, but the goo didn't make it easier. She smiled, "Hey, it's not my fault! I can try and carry you if you want, but I take no responsibility for how far we get that way!"
He stopped and dropped her on a particularly thick pile of goo. "No way, G-woman, but I really need a break." He fell down next to her, "Hey, this stuff is better than my couch!"
At that moment, everything went dark. Mulder was annoyed, "Scully? Scully, where are you? What the heck happened here?"
She was still next to him, and reached for his arm. "I'm fine, but how the hell should I know?"
They heard a swishing sound, then a splash and a very angry Agent Stonecypher screaming, "This fucking braindead kid!!!"
"Mulder? Did you hear what I heard?" Scully asked hesitantly.
"I did. Guess we found them, huh?"
A second later, the light was back, and with it were Agents Kinsley and Stonecypher, but....
"For heaven's sake, Mulder, what happened to them?"
Mulder stared at them, absolutely amazed. They were green with red dots from head to toe.
"Wake up, Mulder, we gotta get them outta here, and us too!" She looked over at him and nearly dropped dead on the spot. He was green and red, *too*!!! "Mulder.... tell me that I don't look like you do..."
"That you -- why, of course --" He was still staring at the other agents, but turned around now. "OH MY GOD!!"
The four of them stared at each other, and finally the tension blew up in laughter. They all started to speak at the same moment.
"I bet he did that intentionally!"
"Must be some side effect of this goo!"
"Yet another ruined suit..."
"I'm sure there's a scientific explanation for all this!"
And they started to laugh again.
The End!!