Curb episode: Funkhouser Niece's Bat Mitzvah
(Larry and Jeff are walking along the side of the road in Los Angeles)
JEFF: So guess what.
LARRY: What?
JEFF: You know that Producer guy I've been working with, you know, the guy who used to do some production work with the NBA?
LARRY: Oh, the Rothschild guy right?
JEFF: Yeah, yeah, Ian Rothschild. (interrupted)
LARRY: What is it "Eye-an" or "Ee-an"?
JEFF: (looking bemused) You know, that's a great question. I've been asking myself that every time I talk to him.
LARRY: You know when you have a first name like that...ehhhh it's nice if it came spelled phonetically. You know like Larry Dayyyvid, I'd spell it with a D-A-Y-Y-V-I-D. You know, it would help people out.
JEFF: You know it really would. But I've just been calling him "buddy" every time I talk to him. It's been going on so long now that he's started to think I have some sort of bromance with him. You know he's been inviting me and Susie to his house every few weeks, he's been asking us to go to Napa Valley.
LARRY: (taken aback) Napa Valley? You kidding?
JEFF: No, no, seriously. He wants me and Susie to go to Napa Valley with him.
LARRY: What about Sammi?
JEFF: Well she wouldn't come.
LARRY: So what would you do with her?
JEFF: Well…..Susie was thinking that…..(looking downcast) you would look after her while we were gone.
LARRY: (outraged) Uh…..are you freakin' kidding me?
JEFF: Well, I told Susie you probably wouldn't be happy about it.
LARRY: (outraged) PROBABLY? PROBABLY wouldn't be happy about it? (raising his finger out into the air) More like DEFINITELY wouldn't be happy about it. I'm not some sort of schmuck babysitter…..out here charging 15 bucks an hour for a babysitting gig to pay for my first car.
JEFF: I'll tell you right now, no one in Los Angeles is getting any high quality child sitter for 15 dollars an hour.
LARRY: How much is it going for?
JEFF: I've been told by people that the best ones are charging 60, sometimes even 70 dollars an hour.
LARRY: 70 DOLLARS AN HOUR! 70…..dollars…..an hour?! Just to take CARE-OF SOME SNOT NOSED LITTLE KID while their parents are off at a booze party!?
JEFF: (shaking his head bemused) Yeah, that's what it is these days. (raising his voice) AND PEOPLE PAY IT!
LARRY: Well I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW my friend, that if I ever had a kid and used a babysitter….I would not pay more than 6…..maybeeee 7 bucks an hour. (thinking deeply) 70 bucks an hour… why even go to college? You've got a lucrative field right there. Why bust your butt when you can make six figures sitting in someone's house watching tv?
JEFF: So…..(nervously)….would you do it? (looking at his outraged expression) It's NOT FOR ME, it's for Susie! Susie wants this, you'd just be doing it for Susie.
LARRY: Well if you're trying to make an OPPOSITE SELL my friend, it would be to say that I'm doing it for Susie. (long pause) Why would Susie even WANT me to do it? She's always going on and on about how irresponsible I am.
JEFF: Susie says that Sammi really looks up to you. She thinks that since you're around the house so much, Sammi has sort of adopted you as her Uncle. You're Uncle Larry.
LARRY: "Uncle Larry"? (pondering into the distance) I don't know how I feel about that. (he pauses again) So much more responsibility…..(looking terrified) with the gift giving….the advice….…and the...being there during her (with a disgusted look on his face) "accomplishments"….
JEFF: Look, it's no big deal. So you'll do it?
LARRY: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
JEFF: So, here is some good news for you. Ian Rothschild. He has 2 extra tickets for some exclusive after party that's being held for the Lakers after their home opener this weekend. How'd you like the tickets?
LARRY: (shocked and happy) Uh, are you kidding?
JEFF: Not kidding. (pulling them out of his jacket) Right here.
LARRY: My god, of course. Wow. This is great. (smacking Jeff) And you know what!? (excited) Leon, is actually a big Lakers fan…..andd…..he actually knows one of the new guys on the team. Thatttttt uhhhhh….. Leshawn Marcus!
JEFF: Layshawn or Lahshawn?
LARRY: (pausing on the street to think) You know….I don't know….I better ask Leon.
(Suddenly Marty Funkhouser pops out of a store and barges into them)
LARRY: (putting his arms out wide in fake shock) Uh! Uh! FUNKMAN.
MARTY: (majestically) Larry. David. (he pauses in a religious experience) What an absolutely divine coincidence that you should be outside this door just as I got out.
LARRY: (put off) OK, you know, that's just too much.
MARTY: No Larry, you don't understand. This is cosmic involvement at play here. Hashem is working a blessing in convenience for me.
LARRY: Ok, you know what?…I don't think that HASHEM…..GIVES A CRAP…about your convenience.
MARTY: You may not KNOW IT Larry, but Hashem is EVERYWHERE. He is here. (pointing) He is there. (pointing) (then interretuped)
LARRY: (mocking him in overexcitement) YEAH! HE IS HERE (mocking his pointing), HE IS THERE (pointing), HE'S IN THE GIRL'S LOCKERROOM, HE'S IN THE VICTORIA SECRET CHANGING ROOMS. YEAH! (ending his mockery)
MARTY: (unaffected by Larry's ridicule) He is everywhere. (he pauses) And he is thinking about all our problems and all our conveniences. He knew that I was THINKING ABOUT SEEING YOU at that EXACT moment. And. (claps his hand) Just like that he brought you before me.
LARRY: (in outrage, putting his finger up to Marty's face) I do not SUBSCRIBE…to this BULLSHIT theory…that Hashem is giving an ounce…NAY….even a PINCH of thought….to your piece of shit thoughts and conveniences!
MARTY: Forget it. Just forget it. I'll just say what I was planning to say. (looking to both Jeff and Larry, an over the top proud smile appeared on his face, that annoyed Larry) My little Rivvy is getting a Bat Mitzvah this weekend. (he stops talking and just looks out at them for 10 seconds straight with that smile)
LARRY: (put off) You're little "Rivvy"? What the hell…?
MARTY: Her name is Rivka. We call her Rivvy for short. It's a sentimental thing.
LARRY: Sounds pretty stupid to me.
MARTY: Alright, here's the part I wanted to come to you for. (pause) I would like you to come to her Bat Mitzvah…..and be the Guest of Honor. (with a proud, happy look on his face as if he just bestowed the greatest honor in the world)
LARRY: (curling his lips, shaking his head) No….no…..I don't think so.
MARTY: (horrified) No? Are you REFUSING to attend a Bat Mitzvah for my only niece? For the "love of my life"?
LARRY: "Love of your life"?!
MARTY: Yes Larry, she's my only niece and I give all my "niece affection" to her BECAUSE I have no other nieces to give it to.
LARRY: I've never even met this….Rivvy…why would I be the Guest of Honor?
MARTY: Because Larry, she idolizes you. She adores you. I just found out.
LARRY: You just found out? How does she even know who I am?
MARTY: Susie told her about you.
LARRY: Susie?! (he looks angrily at Jeff)
JEFF: Don't look at me, I know nothing about this.
MARTY: Yes Larry. Susie has been helping her with her Bat Mitzvah preparations. She's helping Rivvy with her speech.
LARRY: Well why'd she mention me?
MARTY: Susie found out that Rivvy was a big Seinfeld fan, comedy fan….all of it…..and so Susie mentioned that she was close to you and. Rivvy. flipped. out.
JEFF: You hear that Larry? You're a rockstar in the Bat Mitzvah crowd.
MARTY: She wants you to be there and she wants to dedicate a part of her speech to your influence on her comedy. She said that you are one of her inspirational figures who guides her.
LARRY: (outraged) "Who guides her"? Are you kidding? I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility!
MARTY: WHAT?
LARRY: No. No. I can't be in charge of guiding a young kid. I don't know anything about "guiding", what am I Father Christmas?
JEFF: You're Larry Christmas.
MARTY: (annoyed) You'd just be present at her Bat Mitzvah party you neurotic dolt. You'd just be sitting in the front table.
LARRY: (practically yelling) The FRONT table?! (pause) That's where the immediate family sits, the father, the mother, the siblings, the uncles….
JEFF: (nodding his head) Uncle Larry.
LARRY: Ah shit. (he looks down, knowing he is doomed)
MARTY: (annoyed, looking at him with daggars) Will you do it.
LARRY: (not looking up) Yeah…..yeah…I'll do it.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in Larry's house with Larry and Leon in the kitchen)
LARRY: (excited) And I got 2 tickets to the LA Laker afterparty for THIS saturaday!
LEON: (shocked) Two tickets? For THIS Saturday?
LARRY: (smiling) Yep.
LEON: (smiling, knowing the answer) And who ya gonna take Larry?
LARRY: Lee-on
LEON: Yeahhhh, you mothafuckin right.
LARRY: By the way, how is Leon spelled? Is it spelled phonetically like L-E-E-O-N?
LEON: Na, that shit is spelled pimpetically. You know the fuck I'm sayin? It's Leon with an accent…with a mothafuckin pimp accent on the "O."
LARRY: (put off) A "pimp accent"? What the hell is a "pimp accent"?
LEON: It's like…it's like in Spanish you know when you gotta an accent on the "O", an accent on the "I" to make that shit Hispanic and shit? You know to make that shit realllllll authentic Mexican and shit.
LARRY: (not believing him, but playing along) Yeah….
LEON: Well a "pimp accent" is to make it sound authentically pimp. Cuz a Leon without no "pimp accent"….well then that shit just some French…..French skunk and shit trying to go up and down the forest looking fo' some skunk bitches to fuck.
LARRY: Ohhhhh, like Pepe!
LEON: Ezactly! (pointing at Larry) But with a Pimp Accent, now that shit is ballin out Leon (smiling and nodding his head).
LARRY: By the way how many slices of turkey are you gonna use? (seeing him overusing the Turkey)
LEON: Fuck you talkin about, I only took what I needed.
LARRY: What you NEEDED? You've got enough meat in there to feed a Mexican family in Guadalajara.
LEON: Larry, I NEEDS to stay nutritious because I expend my body's energies WHEN I GETS MINE.
LARRY: Oh you were with a woman last night?
LEON: Last night, last evening, this morning, this mothafuckin shit KEPT ME UP! She unleashed DA FREAK! Ooooooo yeah, she was a spicy senorita. From…from Haiti I think…
LARRY: Ok, ok, just be ready this Saturday.
LEON: Oh yeah, most definitely.
LARRY: And tell that friend of yours on the Lakers that we're gonna be coming (walking out of the kitchen).
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in Susie and Jeff's house. Larry walks into their kitchen.)
SUSIE: (upbeat) Oh hey Lar.
LARRY: (his hands up) What…..what is this I hear about you giving (mocking quotes with hands) "Bat Mitzvah speech CONSULTING services"?
SUSIE: Yeah, yeah, I give consulting services. (extremely defensive) And what- PRECISELY- the fuck is wrong with that?
LARRY: What makes YOU qualified to tell 12 year old girls what to write in their Bat Mitzvah speeches?
SUSIE: First of all Larry, don't fuckin walk into my home and start off with a federal inquisition- as if your Captain Social Judgement.
LARRY: (recoiling) Captain Social Judgement? What- do I get a superhero ring for that or something?
SUSIE: (ignoring him) And secondly, I have given PLENTY-PLENTY of YOUNG WOMEN guidance and advice over the last few years.
LARRY: About what? How to make you husband suicidal by age 30?
SUSIE: You know what Larry, shut the fuck up, who the fuck asked you for your opinion.
LARRY: Well (smiling) I would THINK…..that the person who is UNCLE LARRY (wildly tossing his hands in the air) should have an opinion in this household. Especially when I'm supposedly this girl's comedy muse.
SUSIE: Yeah, that's right. And you better FUCKING go to her Bat Mitzvah (pointing threateningly to him) OR I SWEAR TO GOD I will make her write the most VICIOUS and HORRIBLE things about you in her speech.
LARRY: Alright! Alright! (pause of Larry just looking around awkwardly poking through Susie's snack cabinet)
SUSIE: What the fuck do you think you're doing?
LARRY: What? I'm looking for a cookie. (speaking delightfully) I'm in the mood for a cookie.
SUSIE: What are you FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD. No you don't get any cookies. No cookies get eaten in this household before dinner.
LARRY: God! Alright! It's like Hitler's last days in this household. (starting to walk out) Oh and by the way, is Jeff going to Funkhouser niece Bat Mitzvah?
SUSIE: No. Of course not. I'm only going because I'm helping Rivvy with her speech.
LARRY: (lightly taps his forehead) By the way, what day is the party?
SUSIE: This Saturday night.
LARRY: (agitated) This Saturday night! Oh no…..OH NO….you've gotta be freakin KIDDING ME! I can't go this Saturday NIGHT! (he threw his arms to the side in shock) I just got some amazing Laker party tickets for this Saturday.
SUSIE: Well too bad.
LARRY: (pleading with her) Ah! Ah!
SUSIE: READ MY LIPS LARRY! (enunciating each word slowly) TOO-BAD. YOU'RE-NOT-GOING. YOU-BALDDDD-FUCK!
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts on Saturday night. Leon and Larry are in a car both dressed up. Leon is driving.)
LEON: So you tellin' me you about to pass up on a golden opportunity to be with some of the finest Laker bitches on the planet to go up in some twelve year old girl's Sweet Sisteen or some shit?
LARRY: It's a Bat Mitzvah. It's a Jewish thing. It's supposed to be holy and make you closer to god.
LEON: (outraged) Closer to god? I'm 'bout to put my head in between TWO LAKER GIRLS TITTIES-AND YOU TALKIN TO ME ABOUT THEM BEIN CLOSER TO GOD?
LARRY: (annoyed, opening the door of the car) Alright, alright, look I gotta go. (he leaves the car)
LEON: (screaming from inside the car) Look Larry, you making a big mistake! (Larry can't hear him well, so he yells even louder) Ain't no tang in there better than what they got at a Laker party! Ay LARRY!
(Larry passed by a valet person who is also bald and old like him)
BALD VALET: Is that gentleman with you? (looking confused)
LARRY: No, no, he's not...he's just...my chauffer.
BALD VALET: Very good sir. So I suppose you won't be giving me any car keys then sir.
LARRY: No, no, I guess not. (then Larry becomes mesmerized by the Valet's baldness) You...you're bald huh.
BALD VALET: Yes sir. Yes, I am bald.
LARRY: (intrigued) Let me ask you something. How do they tip bald guys?
BALD VALET: (taken aback) Excuse me sir?
(TO BE CONTINUED...)