Okay, none of this is to be taken seriously, it's just a crazy ramble! My characters are pretty OOC, especially Eru, who, for anyone who doesn't know, is the supreme deity from Middle Earth, and it's perfectly possible he could have created more than one universe. As for Daek Lords, I could only think of these three, but if anyone thinks of another one that is sufficiently well known that most people should know what I'm talking about, send me a review and I'll pop them in. Oh, and yes, I don't own Darth Vader, Sauron, or Voldemort. If I did claim to, I think I might very quickly end up killed by all three of them. But then, writing this will probably have the same result, damn. Better put up my anti-dark-lord shield.
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Sauron felt tired a lot of the time. He was weak, extremely so, an invisible wraith drifting in the Void, unable to touch, see, smell or taste. He had no substance at all, merely his mind, a fact that he was not at all pleased about.
When he was not asleep he raged against the Valar, against the Free Peoples, against Melkor, against the whole world. And then, having exhausted what little energy he had in anger, he fell asleep once more.
He had little idea how long he spent in the Void. It is impossible to measure time, when nothing around you save yourself exists. It might have been only a day or two, and it might have been a billion years. However long it was, at last (or, as Tolkien would say, upon a time), he came upon another mind. A mind as weak and exhausted as his own, a mind as angry, a mind as dark.
"Who are you?" Both minds snapped at once, surprised and a little frightened.
"I asked first!" Sauron said immediately.
"You fool, I did!" Said the other.
This went on for a while, until the strange mind said "I, Lord Voldemort, command you to answer me!"
Sauron laughed triumphantly, and the other mind growled in anger. "If I were real I'd blast you!"
"I'd like to see you try," Sauron retorted. "I could simply tread on you."
"Oh yes?" Demanded Voldemort.
"Oh yes! Who do you think you're talking to? I'm Sauron, Dark Lord of all Middle-Earth!"
This didn't impress Lord Voldemort as much as it might have. "Pshaw!" He said. "You're just a character from a Muggle book!"
Sauron didn't know what Muggle meant, but gathered that it was an insult. "How dare you? I commanded armies, ruled half a continent, forged the greatest magical artefact ever made, killed and tortured millions! You can't hold a candle to that!"
"I had an army too." Voldemort said in a disgruntled tone.
Sauron was feeling very tired by now, and a yawn crept into his voice as he said "You're nothing to me!"
And suddenly another mind arrived. "Now that is an interesting question," It said. "Which of my Dark Lords is the worst? I agree, Mairon, Voldemort is nowhere as bad as you, but who is the worst?"
"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort shouted, and then Sauron picked up a rather embarrassed silence.
"Was that meant to do something?" He asked innocently. Voldemort growled.
"Now now now, don't quarrel! At least, not yet. Now listen, you two. I've decided to organise a Dark Lord competition! Whoever is the worst wins, and gets to be resurrected, to wreck havoc once again!"
Sauron was definitely pleased about that. "What will this competition involve, Eru?" He enquired.
"Don't call me that!" Eru shouted. "My name is Iluvatár!"
"It isn't really," Sauron confided to Voldemort. "Just the Elves call him that and he loves Elves. Stupid Elves."
"Right!" Eru Iluvatár continued. "I'll drop you all in a universe specially created for the purpose. Whoever has made the worst mess and made the biggest empire by the end wins!"
And as he said it, it happened. Sauron, with quite a shock, found himself standing in a small building, with a strange tacky flooring and walls painted with a disgusting shade of lurid pink. Shiny white tables stood about on the floor, with light and sticky white chairs standing around each one. A red-eyed, noseless and white-skinned someone who he assumed was Voldemort stood opposite him, wearing black robes and carrying a stick. Sauron looked at himself, and was pleased to note he was in his favourite form - the one he had had before his drowning on Númenor. Pale-skinned, black-haired, and handsome in a saturnine way. He was dressed in black armour, had the One Ring on his finger, and carried a black-bladed sword. "Now that is better!" He said in a cheerful voice.
"Wingardium leviosa!" Voldemort said, and flicked his stick. A chair lifted up into the air and bobbed lazily up and down.
A smile curved Sauron's features, and with a flick of his hand brought the chair crashing to the ground, where it burst into foul-smelling flame. "A true control of the elements requires no words and foolish posturing." He said.
"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort shouted, pointing his stick at Sauron. Green light burst out of it, and flew towards him. Luckily Sauron's armour was special, green light repelling armour. Or maybe it wasn't. "Hey, no killing each other!" Shouted Eru in a ridiculously dramatic voiceover. "Everyone isn't even here yet!"
And as he spoke a person dressed entirely in shiny black armour, with a long black cloak falling down behind him, landed in the room. He swore loudly, drew a humming, shining red sword and cut a chair in half with it.
"Did that make you feel better?" Sauron asked kindly.
The person whipped round, began making a loud breathing noise, and reached out a hand. A choking feeling emerged around Sauron's throat, and he didn't like it one bit. In retaliation he set the halved chair at the newcomer's feet alight, causing his assailant to jump backwards and lose concentration, releasing his grip on Sauron's throat.
"Will you stop burning things?" Voldemort asked grumpily. "Some of us are trying not to get killed again."
"That's everyone I can think of at the moment," Said Eru. "So you'd better get on with it. Anyway, what's the thing with black armour and cloaks you lot have?"
"What's the thing with ridiculously dramatic voiceovers that you have?" Voldemort retorted.
"I demand that you tell me where I am!" The newcomer joined in.
"Oh, didn't I? Well, this is my Dark Lords competition, whoever is the best Dark Lord gets resurrected in their universe."
"In whatever time frame they feel like?" The newcomer demanded in deep and dramatic voice.
"Yep, I suppose so."
"I can rescue Padmé!" The new person shouted, waving his fists in the air and nearly cutting a hole in the roof with his strange swordy thing
"I can kill Harry Potter!" Voldemort shouted triumphantly, shooting sparks from his wand.
"I can conquer everybody!" Sauron shouted, setting random things on fire.
"Calm down, nobody's won yet! Now, the introductions. This is Lord Voldemort, parselmouth and highly powerful wizard!" Voldemort preened. "This is Lord Sauron Gorthaur, Maia and Lord of Mordor!" Sauron smiled tightly, not all that pleased with his last life. He would rather Eru had mentioned Nùmenor instead. "And this is Lord Darth Vader, Sith Lord and father of Luke Skywalker!" Darth Vader's emotions were hard to read, seeing as he was completely covered in this shiny black armour stuff, but he made his sword vanish back into its hilt, and put his hand on his hip.
And with that Eru vanished. Sauron blinked once or twice, and looked around. "Well," he said after a minute. "Shall we get on with it?"
"Hold on!" Eru cried, zooming back with a rush. "I forgot to tell you. To make it harder, I've fished out all your worst enemies and popped them in the world too!"
He vanished to collective groans.