By Ria
Kari turned to face the Digimon Kaiser . . . Ken . . . her friend, she wasn't sure what to call him anymore. So much had changed since they had first met, as innocent kids. So much had grown and shifted, until it could hardly be recognised for what it had been. Why did things have to change? Sometimes change wasn't always for the better. Ken definitely fitted under that category.
But she found, that despite her brave words, she couldn't look at him. Once, when she had been a little girl, she had been able to, but that was before everything had become so different. Before she had been called to the Digital World and had accepted her destiny as the Eighth Digidestined child. Before she had taken some of the burden of saving two worlds. Before she had known the same person she had been friends with once, was in fact, her mortal enemy. Of course things changed between people when you learned things like that.
She heard him chuckle slightly as she concentrated fervently on the ground. "Can't even look at me, can you Kari?" The voice had changed, more mature and deeper than it had been when they were kids. But still, an essence of that young voice still remained, just slightly. You had to listen hard to hear it, but it was there. She found herself focusing on that small tone, willing herself to be calm. She couldn't let him grab onto her insecurity, he'd eventually use it against her.
What was I thinking in seeing him alone? she thought, panicked. I should have known better, I should have at least let Gatomon come with me! But then if I had let her come - I wouldn't be able to ask the questions I might actually get around to asking. She bit her lip. She didn't know why she was so concerned over Ken, maybe it was because she had actually known and experienced what he had been like before being corrupted by . . . whatever had changed him. She was sure it couldn't have been voluntary - Ken was many things but he hadn't been unhappy enough to be changed against his will. It must have been something else. It must have been.
As she tried to think up of something to say to him that wouldn't end up in him sneering at her, she felt her mind yet again drift back . . .
A five year old Ken stared at her in surprise. "Ice cream?" he repeated slowly. "You want to go out for ice cream?" Kari laughed. "What's wrong with that? Don't you like ice cream or something? We can always get something else," she added carefully. Over the past few months of their friendship, she had realised Ken wasn't so strange just because of his apparent isolation from the other kids - there was something else about him that kept the other kids away. Part of it was his peculiar taste in things at times. "No, of course I like ice cream!" he replied, still staring at her. "Who doesn't? It's just . . . well, it's freezing outside! Don't you think it's a little cold to be having it?" Kari smiled. "That's what you're so concerned about?!" She laughed. "But that's what's so good about it!" This time Ken didn't try to hide his amazement. "Good? Ice cream in the middle of December? Okay . . . I don' t get that at all." "No one ever does," she replied cheerfully, already making her way towards the door. "Tai thinks I must've been dropped on my head or something to act this way! Come on, are you coming or not?!" "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Ken muttered, following her. "I can understand why Tai thinks you're so strange." He heard Kari laugh quietly and grinned. They passed Tai on their way out, who was sitting by the kitchen table, battling through his Math homework. "Where are you two going?" he asked, looking up momentarily from his book. "To the shop only," Kari replied, glancing at him absently, as she pulled out her money and began counting. "We'll only be a few minutes." "You're getting ice cream, aren't you?" Kari gave her brother a disgusted look. "Stop it, I don't need Ken to be even more convinced this is a bad idea!" Ken jumped, startled at being suddenly dragged into the conversation. Tai looked at them, a wry smile on his face. "At least one of you has sense," was all he said, tossing an amused glance at Ken, who hesitantly smiled back. He still wasn't sure exactly what Kari's older brother thought of him, sometimes he had the feeling Tai thought he was a bad influence on her, but he could never be sure. "Maybe you can tone down Kari's wild ideas!" he joked. "Tai!" Kari protested, not liking where this conversation was going. Sighing, she grabbed Ken's arm and dragged him to the door. Tai watched them go, a large grin on his face. He heard Kari yell back at him, "Are you sure you don't want anything?!" "Positive!" he yelled back, as the door shut. "I can't believe Tai said that!" Kari moaned, as they made their way outside. "I thought he'd decided to stop teasing me when my friends came over!" Ken shivered slightly as she uttered the word 'friend'. He still wasn't sure how he felt having a friend, how he felt at being called someone's friend. It was still very new to him. "I don't think he'll ever stop teasing you completely," he said slowly. "After all, he's your big brother, it's his job to tease you!" "Gee, thanks," she answered, making a face at him. He laughed. "Does your brother tease you?" He nodded. "Sure. Although he can be kind of nasty at times." Something dark momentarily passed over him, but he forced it away. Kari's face was sympathetic. She knew Ken's family was a touchy subject with him, and she really hadn't meant to bring it up. "All brothers are like that I guess," she decided, smiling slightly. "I guess so," he replied doubtfully, but her encouraging grin made him smile. She always did know how to cheer him up. That was one of the things he really liked about her. "Well, we're here!" she said brightly, as they reached the shop. "Hmm, what are you having? I can't choose . . ." He burst out laughing. "You're impossible!" he cried, as he pushed open the shop door and walked inside, Kari following him.
"Have you lost the ability to speak?"
Ken's sarcastic voice brought her crashing back to earth. Without thinking, she stared up at him and found him watching her carefully. Despite his sneering voice, his eyes were serious. But she found she really couldn't understand what he was thinking, his shades made it impossible to see his eyes! "No," she replied slowly. "I haven't."
"Oh, so you can look at me now, hmm?" She cringed inwardly at the tone of his voice. She hated anyone mocking her like he was. Come to think of it, she hated being mocked full stop.
But she refused to let him win when it came to the Battle of the Insults, answering, "Yes, I guess I can. Why are you so concerned about whether I look at you or not?"
She'd got him there, he opened and closed his mouth, but no answer came out. Finally he just snapped roughly, "Why were you zoned out then just now so?"
She wasn't sure if she should tell him or not. Well, he always said he hated liars, she thought wearily. Even though it was him who kept the biggest secret from me all along. I might as well tell him the truth. "I was thinking," she said. "I was remembering."
"Remembering what?"
She looked at him. "Remember the time when we were five, and I decided to get ice cream in the middle of winter? You thought I was nuts, but you came anyway. You liked being my friend back then. What happened to that Ken I knew?"
His voice was hard as he spoke. "That Ken is gone Kari, long gone. You should know that. He left when our friendship ended."
"And whose fault was that?!" she demanded, beginning to feel angry. When he opened his mouth she continued quickly, "No, don't bother answering, I know you'd just blame it on me anyway!"
He frowned. "I wouldn't!"
"Please Ken, don't treat me like a fool! I know you too well, or at least I did. You just wouldn't be able to admit that you made a mistake, so you'd take the easy way out and put the blame on me. When it was you who lied to me. You who said you hadn't listened to them, hadn't believed what they'd told you! You who said you'd never believe the lies they said about me, when you did. How can that be my fault then?"
"I never said it was your fault!" Her fierce glare made him resort to more sensible measures. "I never put the blame on you Kari, I never once did. I knew it was my fault, knew I'd made the stupid mistakes that pushed you away. And I suppose in one way, I'm glad I did," he added thoughtfully.
She stared at him. "What do you mean?" she asked finally, her voice little more than a whisper, afraid of the answer she would get.
"I didn't need your friendship then, and I certainly don't need it now! I was fine until you came along. I don't need love, I don't need closeness, I don't need friends and I definitely don't need you!" His voice was harsh, she guessed his eyes behind those shades were merciless and cold.
She reeled back as if he'd struck her. "You can't mean that," she whispered frantically, bordering on the edge of panic. "You can't mean that Ken."
"Oh, but I do Kari," he answered, his voice deadly soft. "I meant every word. You see, the thing that you can't understand is that I'm not the Ken you once knew. I've changed, grown up. You think I'm still a kid, when I'm not. I'm not just Ken anymore, I'm the Digimon Kaiser. And there's a very big difference."
She stared at him, truly looked at him. Went beyond the sunglasses to his blue eyes. Looked into them and saw the coldness there, the grim determination that had made him stick around for so long, made him attack them again and again. That made him push everyone away, the made him push her away at the very end.
She saw the darkness that lurked there, the darkness that had claimed him all those years ago, the darkness that turned his D3 black. The darkness that changed him to the Digimon Kaiser.
Then she remembered how Ken used to be. Remembered the sweet, hesitant boy who had been happy to spend time with her. The boy who had been genuinely kind to her and to everyone, but had been given no real chance to prove it to anyone. Everyone had given him a raw deal, just because he'd been slightly different from everyone else. In the end it had been the key to the darkness getting him.
She felt her hands clench into fists, as her eyes narrowed and hardened. She stared at him directly and said sharply, "I don't believe you."
He blinked at her, taken aback. His sneering mask slipped and for an instant, one instant, she saw the scared, lonely boy underneath. Then it smoothened over again and he was the Digimon Kaiser once more. "What did you say?"
"You needed me when we first met, and even though you didn't know, I helped you. I showed you that you could have friends. I proved people wanted to be friends with you. I showed you life wasn't all work and study, that it could be fun. How can you say you didn't and don't need that?" Her eyes were unyielding as she stared at him. She wasn't going to give up.
His eyes widened behind the sunglasses, as his mouth opened and closed again, but no sound came out. He just stared at her, and she knew she had got through to him a small bit. It was a start at least. She knew Ken's tough act well by now. Even though he appeared to need no one, the truth was he needed someone and he needed them a lot. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he couldn't run from it forever. Sooner or later, he would have to swallow his pride and admit he needed a friend. And she knew for Ken, that would take a lot.
But the real question was, would she be able to be there for him? Be the friend he so desperately needed? She had a feeling the others wouldn't exactly be queuing up to be his friend when the truth came out, and if he faced rejection so early after taking the first hesitant step towards a new life, it might ruin him forever. As she looked at him carefully, there and then she vowed to be his friend. Whatever happened.
"Ken," she whispered, stepping towards him, her hand reached out. He hurled himself away from her, gasping. "Ken, please don't do this!" she begged, the hardness in her eyes now gone, replaced by pleading. "Don't block me out, not now! I want to help you!"
"I don't need your help," he whispered, but she could see the uncertainty in his eyes. She had finally got through to some part of him.
She continued to watch him. "Are you sure?" she asked softly, stopping before him. She looked at him seriously, brown eyes level. In his Digimon Kaiser outfit, he was slightly taller then her. "I think you need help . . . a friend at least."
Instantly he blocked her out. "I don't need you for a friend! I don't need anyone. I am Ken Ichijouji -"
"Who is right now in a serious mess!" she snapped back, beginning to get rather impatient. She allowed herself to feel a slight triumph as she saw his jaw drop open in astonishment.
"How - who - don't say that!" he stammered, watching her like she was dangerous or something. "How dare you say that!"
"Say what?" she replied. "The truth? You're a mess Ken and inside, you know that. And you're scared, because you fear at any moment, it's all going to fall apart."
He stared at her, his expression a mixture of anger and confusion. Wow. When he gets stressed, he really gets stressed, Kari thought slowly. You can't help feeling sorry for him then. I wish I could help him, but he has to admit to himself that he needs help first. What's the point then, if I help him and he doesn't appreciate it?
Then he suddenly whirled around and started walking away from her rapidly. She froze for a moment and then took after him. "Don't you dare walk away from me Ken Ichijouji!" Kari shouted, reaching him and placing her hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stop. He gasped softly and flung himself away from her, as if her hand had been on fire. As she stared at him, he stopped and watched her warily. What was she, all of a sudden, a snake?
"Why are so afraid of friendship, of closeness?" she asked him softly, frowning slightly. She didn't understand any of it. "I just touched you on the shoulder and you reacted like I was something dangerous."
He stared at her stonily, the vulnerability on his face gone. Funny, she rather liked it when he showed his emotions. It was so much nicer than the face of stone he loved to wear when she was near. When she thought he would say nothing, he snapped shortly, "Once you get close to someone, they always leave you. I was close to you once and you left me. I'm not going to risk it a second time."
Kari glared at him. "In case you've forgotten, you were the one who left me. I'm not to blame at all, and you better get that into your head - fast." She faced him directly, afraid no more and folded her hands stubbornly.
He gaped at her for one moment, and then burst out laughing. Completely and utterly exploded. In a few moments he was gone completely.
Kari felt her jaw drop, as she gazed at him dumbfounded. Ken was - was laughing? She couldn't even properly remember the last time she had heard him lose it that much. She had a feeling it might have been that time they had done that April Fool's joke on Tai and turned him into a screaming wreak. As she watched him, she felt her own mood lighten. His laughter was infectious. She felt her lips begin to quirk, as she slowly walked over to him.
For an instant, they just stared at each other, not really knowing what to say. Then she asked, "What was so funny?" She kept her tone light, casual. She had broken the cold barrier he had surrounded himself in and she intended to keep it that way.
"You - you just looked so stubborn," he replied, still looking amused. "You looked just like I remembered you. It was so ironic I couldn't help but laugh." He blushed slightly.
"You remember me as stubborn?!" she yelped in disbelief. "Stubborn?!?"
"And kind. And sweet. My friend," he added quietly, suddenly looking embarrassed. He avoided her eyes.
"I remember you as kind. Sweet. Someone who didn't laugh at me for being so weak sometimes and for acting like a girl. You accepted me for who I was . . . I - I liked being your friend. I liked the fact you were mine."
He slowly met her eyes. "I - I couldn't believe you wanted to be my friend. No one had wanted to be my friend before. No one had ever accepted me for who I was before. Everyone - everyone teased me for being so serious and studying and everything. But you didn't. You didn't." He frowned. "Why did I throw it all away?"
"I don't know," she murmured. "Care to tell me why?"
He gasped. "I - I -"
"Please Ken," she whispered. "I at least need to know why you threw away our friendship."
He looked at her helplessly, like a lost little boy. She stared back at him, hurt and solemn. As she did, she remembered how it had all ended . . .
"Hello?" Kari said, as she answered the phone. "Kamiya Residence." "Kari?" a voice asked. "Ken!" she replied cheerfully. "Hi! What's up?" "Nothing much," he answered slowly. "Listen, could you meet me at the Park in half an hour? There's something I need to tell you. It's sort of important." "Are you okay?" she asked, concerned. "You sound funny." "I'm okay," he replied, not sounding okay at all. "Can you meet me?" She glanced at the clock. "Sure. Half an hour so. 'Bye." "'Bye." The phone clicked dead. She stared at the handset as she clicked it off. She frowned. Ken had sounded very uncomfortable and definitely not himself. Something was up all right. Well, the only way she'd find out was to go to the Park. "Where are you going?" Tai asked, as he spotted her walking to the door. "Meeting Ken," she replied, clutching the door knob. "It's at the Park, so I'll be okay. He wants to talk to me about something." Tai frowned. "Are you sure?" he asked doubtfully. "It's kind of late after all. Do you want me to come with you?" She shook her head. "No, I'll be okay. It shouldn't take too long, all he wants to do is tell me something. I hope it's not bad." "Well . . . if you're positive," her brother decided at last. "You better get going. Hopefully Mom and Dad won't notice you're gone, or I'll be dead." The streets were slightly deserted as she made her way towards the Park. Various teenagers passed by her, talking and laughing in their groups. None of them paid any attention to the small kid walking by them, much to Kari's relief. She hated being noticed by older kids. It was so embarrassing. Ken was standing by the slide when she reached the Park. She smiled and ran towards him. "Hey!" she said brightly. "I hope you weren't waiting too long." Ken shook his head. "No, I only just got here." He shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably and she frowned somewhat. What was wrong with him? He seemed so nervous and that wasn't like him at all. She decided to get straight to the point. "You wanted to talk to me about something?" "Right. Em . . . look I might as well just say it." Ken closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Kari, I can't be friends with you anymore." He slowly looked at her, waiting for her reaction. For a moment, she seriously thought he was joking and after a few moments would smile and shout out, "Fooled you!" But he didn't. Instead he just stared at her sadly with something - fear? - in his blue eyes. And then it really hit her. He was really serious. He didn't want her friendship anymore. She could only stare at him, hoping she wasn't shaking or anything. "You want to stop being friends with me?" she asked at last. He nodded slowly. "But . . . but why? Did I do something wrong?" "No!" he cried, coming to life again. "You didn't do anything wrong Kari, I promise you that! It's just . . . it's something I have to do." The fear was back again, flickering like unsteady blue flames. She felt her eyes narrow just a bit, as she studied him. Why was he so afraid? Who had put him up to this? She knew, deep down that he'd never agree to stop being friends with her. She just knew it. He liked being friends with her - didn't he? "Didn't you like being friends with me?" she whispered, hoping against hope he wouldn't say no. She just didn't know what she'd do if he did. He just couldn't say no . . . He stared at her profoundly. "I - I don't know," he said at last. "I really don't know." It was the worst thing he could have said. Maybe that was why he said it then. It was so much worse than saying "Yes" or "No", it wasn't a definitive answer. She hadn't a clue whether he had liked being her friend or not. And that hurt . . . that really hurt. He swallowed uncomfortably. "I better go then. I'll see you around . . ." He trailed off uncertainly. She stared back at him. "I don't know," she said flatly, beginning to get angry. He just ended over three years friendship, just like that? And he expected to see her around?! No way! "You were the one who ended this." She glared fiercely at him. He stared sadly at her, tears shining in his eyes. Her eyes widened fractionally. She had never seen him come this close to crying before. Oh, he was so confusing! If he didn't want to end their friendship, and if it made him this sad, then why was he doing it?! What was going on inside him? And then, without another word, he turned away from her and began to walk from the Park. She watched him go silently, hands rammed into his coat pockets as he walked away from her. He was staring down at the ground, she could just tell that from his stance. He didn't look back.
She stared uncertainly up at him. It had been over six years since that had happened and she could still remember it so clearly, as if it had just happened yesterday. She could still dimly feel the pain that had come over her. The sadness that had come over her. It had never really gone away. It had always been there, in the back of her mind. Always there. Reminding her. Haunting her.
She had never really been the same for a while after that. She had gone so quiet and withdrawn, not really taking an interest in anything. Tai had been so concerned and so angry at Ken for doing this, he had wanted to go over to his house, but she had begged him not to. She didn't want to do that to him. It may have seemed stupid and made her look like a pushover, but she had never wanted to do that to anyone. So he had reluctantly backed down.
The memories had been the worst. Ken had imprinted such lasting memories in her mind, that it had actually caused her to cry when they had been so strong. It seemed foolish, but it had been the truth. As idiotic as it had sounded, she had never ever got over him.
But her mind had been sick of grieving after him, wanting to move on even if she didn't. So it had subconsciously buried all the memories she'd had with Ken into the deepest parts of her memory, the parts rarely touched. And she had forgotten all about him, it had been her mind's way of dealing. And now . . . seeing Ken so close, it had triggered them all up again.
And she wasn't sure how to deal with them all over again.
"Please Ken," she whispered, feeling her eyes filling with tears, much to her shame. She quickly reached up to brush them away, but he stopped her, instead reaching forward and wiping them away. He stared down at her, with something unreadable in his eyes.
He looked away from her. "Remember when we first met?" he asked, his voice sounding so strange. "At the Park?" She nodded. "Remember what I told you about myself?"
She thought for a moment. She remembered him saying something . . . and then she remembered his voice, as he hesitantly told her. "Well . . . sometimes I hear - things. Voices, telling me what to do. And I see monsters too. And normal people aren't supposed to see and hear things like that . . ."
The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks, causing her to gasp softly. "The voices. It was the voices wasn't it?" He nodded numbly, refusing to say anything. "They told you to stop being friends with me, didn't they? And you did what they told you to do, because you were scared and frightened, and you thought you had no one to turn to, didn't you?"
"Yes, yes, I did all that," he muttered impatiently. "Man, are you a counsellor or something?" She smiled at him, and he hesitantly smiled back, clearly not expecting that from her.
"But . . . but you had someone to turn to," she said softly. "You had me. No matter what those voices said, you always had me."
He stared incredulously at her, eyes wide and mouth opening and closing, sound unable to come out. "You . . . you would have helped me?" he whispered, sounding like he was going to hit the floor from shock or something.
Slowly, she reached up and took his sunglasses off him, so his blue eyes were staring at her, not the purple glasses. "Yes," she replied honestly, willing him to believe her. "I would have. I still want to. No matter what you think Ken, I'm still your friend. I want to help you. But you have to let me."
His breathing was becoming harder. "But . . . but the others, I'm your enemy! They're not going to be very happy!"
She snorted softly. "That's their problem. I knew how you used to be and I know you can at least be partly like that again. Not completely - I'm not that stupid - but I think you can change Ken. But only if you want to."
He continued to stare at her, and she felt a blush creep across her cheeks. She wasn't used to anyone staring at her like that, and it felt rather strange. He grinned slightly at her, and her blush deepened. "Stop that," she muttered, which caused him to grin even harder.
Then his smile disappeared and he sighed, rubbing his forehead hard. "Leave now," he said shortly, jerking his thumb at the doors.
She blinked. "What?"
"Get out! Go back to your friends. All of you leave now, I'm in no mood to fight now. It doesn't matter anyway, you know who I am, so keeping my identity secret isn't an option anymore. Just go." The last two words were uttered with a weariness Kari couldn't imagine.
"You're lonely," she said softly, stepping towards him.
He shook his head, stepping back. "No, I'm not. Wormmon is here as well, in case you've forgotten. Maybe I should start being nicer to him or something . . ."
"I think he'd like that," she replied. "He seems to really want to be your friend."
He shrugged. "Whatever. Are you going now?"
She nodded. "I'm going. Um . . . here," she said, holding out his sunglasses to him.
He stared at them. "Keep them. Something to remember me by." He grinned crookedly at her.
She raised an eyebrow. She didn't really want anything to remember the Digimon Kaiser by, but she had a feeling she shouldn't tell him that. And well . . . the Digimon Kaiser was part of Ken, no matter how you looked at it. So, well she had a part of Ken to remember as well, if you looked at it that way. But he wasn't going to get away that easily.
"Thanks . . . I guess," she replied, pocketing the sunglasses. Feeling awkward, she walked to the doors. Before she pushed them open, she turned back to him and said quietly, "This isn't over Ken. I am going to help you."
He glanced at her, the unreadable expression back in his eyes. "You're serious about this, aren't you?" he asked quietly.
She nodded. "Whether you like it or not Ken, I'm going to probably be the truest friend you're ever going to have." Without another word, she turned and pushed open the doors, walking out to her friends.
Ken remained staring at the closed doors for a long time afterwards.