"Please; tell me about her." Maura looked down at the photograph her daughter held in her hands. Mauras eyes unintentionally tore away from the photo the second they recognised the woman in the photo. She had been dodging and avoiding this conversation for sixteen years; and she still wasn't ready. She had sixteen years to practice what she was going to say; but any time she even thought about what she would say, her mind pushed the words away, pushed the womans face away.
"Quin…" Maura sighed, her eyes closing slowly as she went to take the photo away from the sixteen year old girl, who pulled the photo closer to her chest in protest. It was a cold night and on cold nights like these; her daughter always slept in her bed. Maura always said it was because body heat was the most effective way of keeping warm; but really, she hated sleeping alone and every morning she woke up beside her daughter, for a split second, it's as if she were waking up with her love again. It was painful, but it was worth it.
"I'm starting to forget her." The young girl whispered, looking down at the photo in her hands again. Maura let out an uneven breath as she forced herself to look down at the photo. It was of Jane on their wedding day. She looked more beautiful than Maura remembered in her Red Sox jersey. Maura couldn't help but smile as she remembered the day that she had tried so hard to forget. They had made a deal; they would each get their fantasy wedding. Janes fantasy wedding was first; and Maura even wore a simple black pair of tights with a Red Sox jersey. It was the perfect day. They never needed Mauras dream wedding after that day. Jane was Mauras dream; and she was perfect.
"She was… She was funny." Maura giggled quietly as she reached her fingertips forward to lightly trace Janes face in the photograph. Their daughter smiled, faint memories of her Ma confirming what her mother was telling her. "There are photo albums under the bed." Maura told her quietly, hoping if they got it all out of the way in one night; it would be over for another sixteen years.
"Who's that?" The young girl asked as she opened the first photo album, her head tilting slightly to the left as she took in the image of an unfamiliar man in a military uniform.
"That…" Maura started, pursing her lips as she debated if she should attempt to lie or not. Not once had their daughter asked about her biological father. The one time Maura had tried to tell her about him; the thirteen year old told her he didn't matter. She knew where she came from; her two mothers. "That is your father." I told her, looking down at Caseys familiar face.
"Wow." Quin said simply as she took a closer look at his face, instantly recognising her nose and cheek bones. "Do you know where he is?" She asked, turning to look at her mother as she spoke.
"I don't know." Maura wasn't lying, for all she knew, Casey was dead. She hadn't heard from him or seen him since Janes funeral all those years ago, and no one mentioned him since.
"Is that grandma?" Quin smiled as she turned the page, finding a photo of Jane and Angela doting over her when she was a baby; six years before Jane had left their lives forever. Maura nodded with a smile as she remembered the day as if it were yesterday.
"Please be careful." Jane moaned as she handed her daughter over to her mother, who merely rolled her eyes and sat down, placing the baby in a lying position on her knees. "She's so little." Jane whispered, looking up at a tired Maura as she spoke.
"She's so beautiful." Angela said under her breath as she took in the sight of her first granddaughter. "I'm so proud of you." She added, pulling Jane close as she pressed her lips to her forehead.
"Oh!" Maura smiled as she pulled the disposable camera out of her handbag, both Angela and Jane rolling their eyes before they posed for the photograph.
"I'm proud of you." Jane whispered into Mauras ear, biting down lightly on her earlobe as she spoke, causing Goosebumps to spread across Mauras entire body.
"Okay when was this?" Quin asked, pulling Maura from the memory, pointing to a photo of Jane in a hospital bed. The photo caught Maura off guard, a lump quickly forming in her throat at the memory the photograph was eliciting.
"The day she died." Maura said darkly, biting down on her bottom lip as hard as she could to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from falling. Quin quickly noticed the changed in her mother's demeanour and closed the album, turning her whole body so she was cradled in Mauras arms.
"I'm sorry." Quin whispered, partly to Maura and partly to Jane. It bothered her a lot that a photo of the day her ma died made her feel nothing. She didn't feel sad, or angry. She just felt like she was looking at a photograph of someone she never met; and she hated it.
"She loved you so much." Maura whispered in return, as if knowing exactly what Quin needed to hear. "The last thing she said to me was make sure you tell her every day how much I love her." Maura squeezed her eyes shut as she clearly remembered her wifes breathing slow, and eventually stop after she spoke those words. She knew she had let her down; not only did she never tell Quin that Jane loved her, but she never spoke of her at all. "We'll talk about her more." Maura promised.
"Not if it hurts you." Quin stated, snuggling her body closer to Maura as she spoke. Maura took a deep breath and knew if there was ever a time to start talking about her wife; it was now.
"I once watched your mother tackle a two hundred pound guy straight to the floor." Maura giggled, causing Quin to shift backwards slightly so she could look up at her mothers face.
"Really?" Quin asked, smirking as she tried to imagine the skinny woman in the photos tackling anyone.
"Oh, really." Maura smiled, so many memories coming back to her she could barely register which she wanted to tell their daughter. "I have never met a tougher woman in my life." Maura nodded, leaning down to kiss her daughters forehead.
"I don't want to forget her." Quin whispered, a sudden sick feeling making its way into Mauras stomach at the sound of her daughters confession.
"I won't let you forget her." Maura promised, pulling Quin impossibly close and kissing the top of her head until she heard her daughters breathing become slow and even. She fell asleep in the same manner Jane once did.
"I miss you." Maura whispered into the quiet room. She often spoke at Jane when she had a problem, but this was the first time she was talking to her wife. "She misses you." Mauras own words finally brought tears to her eyes. She could see her daughters black curls out of the corner of her eye, and it broke her heart. Maura spent every waking minute of every single day trying not to think of Jane; she wondered momentarily if life would be easier for them both if she just let herself feel and think of her wife.
Maura knew she would never love again; and she never bothered trying to find love again. People had one true love, one soul mate; and hers was stolen from her too soon.
How can you love someone and not be able to be with them?