I am ALIVE
Vivian VanDam
Chapter one
"I love her I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't. But I do, and I can't help it. The woman who bought me and brought me into her home. The woman who picked me, out of every other Android…she chose me. The Android who became a deviant. I've been here since Skylar was born. Five years now…it's been three since Aribell's husband left." Pen stalling. Looking into the parchment paper, it was too late to stop now.
"He was abusing them, I couldn't stand it. I was ordered to stand down when he was approaching them with a hot iron. I was infuriated, and I intervened. I took the damage. I took the abuse so Skylar and Aribell did not. I made sure they were safe. By this point, I had fallen in love with Aribell and didn't know, nor understand what I was feeling. I was willing to give my life up to be sure she, and Skylar was safe. I knew it was wrong, disobeying orders like that. I knew it was wrong to feel emotions, I shouldn't have felt it. But I did. I felt such a deep empathy for them. So, why wasn't I allowed to feel anger? Why am I not allowed to feel?" Pen shaking, I continued.
"I was mortified that he was abusing such a beautiful woman and child. The woman I'm speaking of, Aribell? She has the softest gray-green eyes, the lightest skin like she was kissed by the moon, and the most beautiful waves of brown hair. She has such a sweet voice with an accent. I could tell she was from a faraway place, Aribell wasn't from Detroit." Smiling stupidly, chuckling at the description of her. Turning the page. "I admire not only the physical beauty, but her inner beauty as well. She's made peace with the situation of her ex-husband, but not the pain he caused when he was here. There are times she flinches from something, or I can hear her cry late at night. Those are the times I wish to take her into my arms and hold her. I can still see the pain radiating within her ethereal eyes. She holds her head high and keeps strong for her daughter, but I can see the truth lying within her eyes. Underneath all that pain, I see the undying love of a mother for her daughter. Skylar is a spitting image of her mother." With a faltering smile, my hand began to shake. The single thought of Skylar sent something else within me skyrocketing. The young girl was too smart for her age, and knew more about her surrounding's then I, or Aribell wishes to admit. Moving on from the subject of Skylar, I moved to the next paragraph.
"One of the single most admirable things about Aribell is that she stands with the Androids. She is an android activist, believing we deserve equal rights, and should no longer be treated as slaves. She fights for our freedom. To live like the humans. No more abuse. Many of the patrons of Detroit disagree and fight her tooth and nail, some even stalk her…and still she fights for us." Glancing to the analog clock above my desk, it read a little after midnight. When I turned to look at my bed, I didn't feel tired. Though Androids don't need sleep, some of us try to be as human as possible. Aribell gave me everything that a human needed. A bed, a desk if I wished to write. A mirror, clothes, and of course my own restroom. Smiling, my pen moved on its own.
"When she looks at me my skin prickles with pleasure, my stomach ignites with fire. When she weeps I want to comfort, when she's angry-though it's very rare- I want to calm her. I can't stand seeing the woman I love in such turmoil. Still I stand to the side, I broke through that wall once. I'm already a deviant. There was no need to scare her. I fear of her finding out what I am, taking Skylar and running. Perhaps…I also fear her being disgusted with me." Pain etched my face as my throat tightened. "I love her, I want her and Skylar to be happy. With or without me…oh Skylar. I see her as a daughter. I basically raised her since her father was never around. The moment Aribell mentioned she was pregnant, he ran off. Came back drunk…and when Skylar was born he hated her. I still don't understand why, she's such a bright child. And when she looks at me with those intelligent eyes, I couldn't help but feel pride. I helped raise this little girl, and she has such a bright future ahead of her…" Stopping, I turned to another page.
"I sometimes believe that Aribell found me because she had a feeling I'd be a good match for Skylar. Aribell is a wonderful person, she doesn't yell. She speaks. She doesn't order, she asks. There's not a stern note within her voice. She doesn't force me to do anything, she asks for my help. She simply treats me like I'm human. Like I matter. Skylar does the same thing as well. I'm not referred to as it, or a thing. Or my make and model number." Stalling for a second, I went to the next line. "My name is Erik. I'd do anything for the three of us. I know I can protect us from anything that comes our way. I care for them too much not to. They are my world, they are the only human's that haven't done anything to harm me. If I lost them, I'm unsure of what I'd do." That pain came back within my chest, tears prickling my eyes. Placing my pen down next to the journal.
I try to write every day to get out the emotions locked deep within. After the day was done, I'd sit down and write to get out whatever I could. It's still difficult knowing Aribell was right next door, and I couldn't show her how I feel to her. To Skylar? Was easy, she was a child, and anyone could love and care for a child. Looking from my journal warm tears trickling down my cheeks, glancing at my reflection in the mirror above my desk. I saw the blue circle blinking on my left temple, dark midnight eyes stared back at me. Glistening with more tears. I kept looking at my face, the only scar upon my body was on my brow, from where Aribell's ex-husband struck me with a cup. I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't enough for her.
My skin was the color of coffee and cream, my hair cut short was the color of a starless night. My lips were thin tight lines but white. My nostrils flared from thinking about that man. To this day he still infuriates me. He was, and still is a drunk. My brows and eyes were soft, just like my face. Though I was an older model, Aribell refused to get an upgrade. She said she loved me for who I was and didn't want someone else helping her raise Skylar.
My bedroom door creaked, turning I saw Skylar standing there with her favorite teddy bear, her face wet with tears. She sniffled.
"I had a nightmare." Her voice heavy with fear, laced with sleepiness. I was smiling at the five-year-old. "I want to sleep with you." Her voice quivering, on the verge of crying all over again. Closing my journal, I got up from my desk and swiftly picked her up.
"Just for the night, okay Sky?" Going to my bed, I laid her down closest to the wall. Climbing in next to her I pulled the cover over us. As I settled in she curled herself against me, her head laying against my shoulder, her arm around me and the teddy laying on my other side. I felt her soft breath against my neck.
"It was about that bad man coming back, he was hurting you and mommy…he was fighting to take me back." The pain in her voice hurt me deeply. I hated hearing my girls in pain. It tugged at my heart. "You won't let that bad man do that, would you Erik?" Pulling her to me, I kissed the top of her head smelling her baby shampoo.
"I promise I won't let him hurt you, mommy or me again." Each time I attempted to reassure her, I feel as if she wasn't listening. I knew I could make her feel better, the big question was, did she believe me? I began to hum to her softly, stroking her hair.
"Can you be my daddy Erik?" Her question took me by surprise, catching me off guard. Glancing at the bundle in my arms, my brows furrowed.
"I can't sweetie. I'm…" Stalling, I sighed. "I'm not a human. Society wouldn't like it." I tried picking my words out carefully, she was watching me with glossy eyes.
"You are human. You eat, sleep, breathe and you love me and mommy, right?" She was trying to sit up. "You love mommy, and mommy likes you, so why not? Why can't you be my daddy?" Placing my hand on her back, I tried to figure out a way to tell her. Tell her it was wrong to love…a thing. Still, I couldn't find the right words.
"Because I don't bleed sweet pea. Just because I feel, doesn't mean I'm alive." Touching her face gently, I could feel the warm tears run over my skin. I questioned my own words.
"You do feel. You protected mommy, you protected me. You disobeyed the bad man. You are alive!" Her emotions pouring from her words, made me feel a little better. Pulling Skylar into my arms, I laid her head upon my chest.
"Sleep sweet Sky. We will speak more of this later. I promise." Stroking her hair, I stared up at the ceiling. Unsure if I was going to bring this up to Aribell or not. "Don't fear, I'll protect you no matter what."
…
"Erik! Sky! Come on hurry up or we'll be late!" Aribell's voice floating up from the stairs. Sitting on the edge of my bed, my brain flipping over the conversation from last night. Tying my tennis shoes, I stood. Feeling of creeping doom settled deep within my stomach. Something wasn't right, and I didn't quite care for it. Glancing out in the hallway I watched Skylar, with her soft hay colored hair up in pig tails, ribbons flying behind her as she ran down the stairs. I could feel that deep pit grows.
Something wasn't right.
"Come on Erik!" Aribell called. Stepping from my room, I closed the door. I could smell her perfume, from her room. Taking the steps two at a time, I saw her waiting for me at the front door, her smile bright and happy. The door was open, and I could hear Skylar laughing from the front lawn. Aribell's blue-green eyes danced with joy, and I took her all in at once. The baby blue sun dress, her white pump heels, her flowing brown hair that cascaded down to her collar. The way her chest moved as she breathed deeply. Light danced off her beautiful moon kissed face, and I could see the flecks of gold within her eyes. Seldom she wears makeup, and today she painted herself with cat eyes and red lips. For the moment I felt the deep pit within my stomach reside, and my face turned hot when I looked her over. When I looked away from her, I could feel her smile fade, and her eyes look away from me.
"How do you feel about lunch and the park Erik?" I wanted nothing more then to enjoy the day with my family. I wanted nothing more then to just…hold her hand, walking in central park. Still, I kept trying not to look at her. It…it was difficult. "Are you running hot? Your face is red." The palm of her hand touched my face, and I froze. My eyes shot to her, and I saw her own cheeks flush. That smile came to her lips again, and her eyes were bright, dancing with happiness. My heart swelled.
I couldn't stop myself.
Wrapping my arms around her, I hugged her. She didn't move away, she stayed right where she was and wrapped her own arms around me. Her face pressed against my chest. I felt truly happy, holding her in my arms. Closing my eyes, I breathed her in. She was a fresh breath of air that I needed. She calmed my wrecked nerves. Still this roaring darkness within my stomach made me feel uneasy.
"Yay! Mommy's hugging Erik!" Skylar screeched from the doorway. Aribell ran her hand over my back. I felt…comfort within her touch.
"Of course, I'm hugging Erik dear. It's what you do when you care for someone." Aribell calmed her bouncing child. Her hand remained on my side for a moment longer before taking my hand. Something fired within my brain, goose bumps rose against my skin. Her soft flesh was pressed against mine, her beautifully manicured fingers, rubbed my knuckles.
Am I not the only one experiencing these emotions? When I looked back at her, she still had that bright smile. Confused for a moment I followed out the door.
"You didn't answer my question Erik. Lunch and the park?" Looking over her shoulder, I nodded.
"Yes ma'am." Replying like the android I am. I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve her. Though I wanted her. I wanted her like a man dying from dehydration wants water.
…
It was a beautiful summer day with mild weather. A cool breeze drifted through the trees. Aribell walking beside me, as Skylar ran ahead of us. The knot of dread was still lingering deep within my stomach. I couldn't speak, and I knew if I did, my voice would speak of my turmoil. I could feel, and I knew I could love and care.
What am I going to do? Lowering my gaze to the path, I felt the war within. She's a human. You're an android. You spoke to Skylar last night. You want, not need. If you show your emotions to them, you'll be forced into the junkyard. Do you want that? A shake of my head. Aribell won't do that to me. I know her better then that. She cares for androids. She's even helped a few deviants. A pang of pain shot through me, I knew what I was. She didn't.
"Erik dear, are you alright? You've been awfully quiet today. Is it what Sky said last night?" Her bright eyes dancing as she spoke to me. I offered a smile, and a shake of my head.
"I'm alright Aribell just…" Stopping. There wasn't a way I could speak to her about this, not publicly. Aribell stood still turning to look at me, her eyes now worried.
"You can talk to me Erik." She gave me another smile, and once more I could feel that comfort wash over me. She was reaching out to take my hand and I took hers willingly. She gave it a squeeze, I watched interest flicker across her face. My heart was skipping.
Then, the whispers.
"What's that woman doing with that android?"
"Is she crazy?"
"Is he a deviant?"
"What are they doing?"
Worry encasing me I held her hand tighter, walking forward. The moment I turned my face from her, Skylar was gone. Another wave of anxiety began filling me, overflowing.
"What the hell is this?"
"Someone get the Police!"
"This has to stop! It's disgusting."
Someone was walking to us, instinctively I pulled Aribell to me, people were beginning to crowd around us. A man approached Aribell, his eyes stormy.
"Are you an android fucker?" The slur made my stomach revolt. I registered the shock on her face, pulling her behind me.
"Skylar!" Shouting at the top of my lungs, over the people. I couldn't see her anywhere. Pushing my way through, Aribell in tow. Someone grabbed me, forcing me away from her.
"Erik!" Aribell's voice pitched as she was pulled in one direction.
"Skylar!" Shouting again, managing to pull my arm free from the male.
"Oh, really now? Now you disobey orders?" The male pushed at my back. Through the roaring crowd, I heard her. I heard Skylar screaming- "Daddy!"
Pushing myself up Aribell pushing herself away. Following close behind as I began to sprint back to the entrance of the park. Huffing, I ran passed many human's staring in awe. "Skylar, where are you?!" Shouting louder, I listened for her to scream again.
"Daddy!"
Stopping right at the entrance panting, Aribell right behind me. Skylar stood in the middle of the road, holding herself. Cars breezed by without a second glance. That terror I felt earlier came back, full swing. Waiting for the car to pass, I ran. "Stay right there!" Shouting, Skylar was looking right at me. The absolute terror stuck to me. She ran to me, reaching out to her I pulled her into my arms.
I didn't feel the impact. Just the warmth of blood striking my face, and the gravel of the road as I struck the pavement. There was no pain, because I'm not human. Just the absolute terror for Skylar, but I couldn't move from my hips down. I still held Skylar within my arms, waiting to hear her laugh again. To hear she was alright. Opening my left eye, I saw her eyes were closed. Bright red covered her right side of her face. Within the mixture was blue, it was my own blood. I held her tight against me.
"Erik! Skylar!" Aribell belted out the loudest scream I ever heard. The people were whispering once more as I held the child.
"Skylar…say something baby." Whispering, I began to stroke her hair. I could smell the blood on her skin. "Come on Sky…you can't…" Pain, remorse, terror, heartbreak, and regret. Softly she whispered.
"You came for me daddy…" Her grip was weak, still I held her. Relief flooded me, I sobbed.
"Of course, baby I'll always protect you. I promised, didn't I?" She went silent for a long moment, I feared she died. "Skylar?" I whisper again, there was the faintest smile upon her little lips.
"Please don't be mad…" I was shaking my head.
"No. No of course not…" Sirens flooded the streets, I held onto her as tight as I could. I wasn't going to let her go. "I'll never be mad at you baby girl." I kissed her forehead, her blood lingering upon my lips.
"It hurts daddy…everything hurts…" Her voice hitched, I kissed her again. Trying to comfort her the best I could.
"I know. I know. I'm here. I'm here." Running, they were running to rescue her, not him. He was expandable.
Aribell wouldn't let me die. He watched men take Skylar, putting her in the stretcher. Reaching out I took her teddy bear, covered in blood, and held it to me.
"Someone please save Erik!" Aribell knelt next to me, rolling me onto my back. Her face red, wet with tears. "Erik?" Whispering she touched my face, looking at her, I watched the light around her pulsate. Everything in my right ear was static, and I saw within her eyes the absolute fear. Reaching out to her, my finger tips ran over her face. I felt the gentle skin, and the warm tears upon my fingertips.
"You saved her Erik, you saved Skylar. But please, god please live for me. Live for us." Her breathy voice brought something within me. I wanted to fight for her. I wanted to live for her. "Erik I…" Her eyes darting from me, to above her. Her tears were enough for people to stop and stare. Arms lifting me up, and I held onto whatever I could, to live. For her. For Skylar. Within the back of whatever I was in, the other android said a name, I feared the most.
"Connor's been called."
…
Reboot in progress. Sixty percent.
Darkness, deep dwelling darkness. Nightmares plagued me. Lifting my head, my arms were up, and I was suspended within the air. A pinprick of bright light pierced through the darkness. My head was heavy, as was my heart.
Reboot in progress. Seventy eight percent.
Shaking my head, I coughed. Everything was heavy, and my legs finally began to move. Something within me felt different, empty almost. The light grew to a tunnel, I was able to open my eyes. Taking in a sharp gasp.
Reboot complete. Model PP550. Grinding my teeth, pulling my wrists to get free.
That's not my name. My name's Erik. Shaking my head hard, I watched the people buzz around me, I was suspended in a holding tank. Of course. Sudden fear struck me. Aribell! Skylar! Trying to move again, I was forced back by elastic bands.
"Calm down PP550. Your owner will be here shortly. You took quite a beating. You saved a little girl though." A fat older man stood in front of my tank. Blinking.
"I had to give you a new eye however. You completely shattered it. Took me five weeks to fix you up. And quite a bit of money." He was tilting his head, looking me over. My skin crawled.
"She was very worried about you. I don't understand why. Your four years outdated. I did give you an update for free. Personally, I think you look better with a blue and brown eye. Looks good on you." Walking around the tank, he began tapping at something.
"You're lucky I work on deviants." My heart stalled. How did he know? The look I gave him must've gave me away.
"I knew by the hardware in your brain. Your handler already knew apparently and brought you to me." He had a sick smile on his face. "Pretty woman. Too bad for the little girl though." Sucking his teeth, my stomach fell.
"Skylar?" Whispering out her name through clenched teeth, my skin grew cold. The man nodded.
"She's still not waking up. Swelling in her brain." Shrugging he came back around. "Too bad, she was a cute kid. At least you saved her from certain death." He dropped that sick grin, pushing more buttons.
"She paid a pretty penny to fix you. She must really like your model. I can see why." Turning his back from me, he sat back down at the desk. "You have a decent male physique. You're what we call the Physically Perfect models. A sex bot in most parts of Detroit. You're just an outdated Adonis model. Sad how quick you models are replaced. Do you know how hard it was to find your parts?" Leaning back against his desk, he shrugged his arms. Not caring.
Closing my eyes, lowering my head. I can't believe I've been gone for so long…it doesn't feel like it. I hope Aribell is alright. She must be torn up over Skylar…oh god…Sky…Tears trickled down my cheeks, it felt just like the other day, I was holding her, and singing her sleep. Now…now…I'm in a holding tank, waiting for Aribell.
"I'm here to pick up Erik." Head snapping up, I saw her in blue jeans and a long sleeved black shirt. Her hair was tied up, pulled away from her face. When she looked at me, my heart soared. I began to struggle even more to get out. She approached the tank placing the palm of her hand against the glass. "Calm my Erik. It's alright. You're safe here, I promise." Her eyes were heavy with grief. But she still wore a smile.
The fat older man came over, punched in a code. I was free falling to the floor below. Aribell caught me as she collapsed. My legs were rubber and it was difficult to stand. Her arms were around me holding me tight against her warm body. Wrapping my arms around her, I buried my face in the crook of her neck. She smelt like the Aribell I knew and loved.
"Erik…why didn't you tell me…" She was whispering in my ear, I shake my head.
"I was frightened to tell you. Tell you what I was." She held me tighter. "I was frightened to tell you how I felt. This world…this world isn't safe. Not with those out there who would want to destroy me." My arms held her tighter.
"I'm not supposed to be this way. I'm not supposed to be a deviant. I placed you in danger. I can't allow that." Lifting my head to face her. I saw her answer. "No Aribell. You already took in the effort to fix me…I'm not human. I'm not alive." She took my face into her hands, staring me down.
"You are real. You are alive. You breathe like me. You bleed like me. You…" Her smile was real this time. "You love me, you love Skylar." Her fingers caressed my face, I couldn't hold the tears. The man scoffed.
"Hurry up, get dressed, pay and leave. I have more customers coming soon." He paused. "I do have someone who could help you, if thing's don't go according to plan. If your daughter…doesn't make it. He can craft androids to look, act, and be what you lost…from there, he can help you be free. All three of you." Looking at Aribell, her eyes lined with tears she kept her chin lifted. Though I could see the pain she held. She was praying, just as hard as I was…that Sky would be alright. Helping me to my feet, I began to dress. They were fresh clothes that smelt like home.
"One more thing." Aribell came close to me, she held a sharp metal nail file in her hand. "I have to remove this." The pointed end dug into my skin, and I heard the grating metal on metal till I heard the popping of the tracker within my temple.
"I've been informed, that someone has been called to investigate the situation. Where you've been kept they can't find you. But, she is right. It's better to take the tracker out and destroy it. They don't know what you look like, but they know your make and model." The older man held out his hand, and Aribell dropped the device into his palm. "I'll destroy this. You two go home, and make sure you keep tabs with him. His name's Markus, and apparently, he's planning something big for the Deviants and Androids alike. I'm sure once you explain your situation, thing's will work out." The man began turning away from us, before his shoulders sagged.
"I help deviants because I feel it's a must. Now, I see why I do it. Because of people like you, who care about them. And androids like yourself. Who are truly human. Please, keep me updated on the little girl. I want to know how things work out." The man staggering over to the incinerator, tossed the pulsating blue circle into the inferno.
"Go out there and make a name."
…
Sitting in the car with Aribell felt too real, my hand was on her leg and that was all that was needed. She was silent as we drove to the hospital. The first thing I wanted to do, wasn't take a shower. But see Sky. I wanted to see her myself. The drive to the hospital was a quiet one, but comfortable.
"She's not going to be able to speak. She's in a medical induced coma, the swelling in her brain hasn't gone down. She's been in the same state for the last few weeks. She hasn't even made a sign that she can hear." The pain lacing her voice cut through me deep. I squeezed her knee. "Erik…you should've told me what happened…when did it happen?" Her eyes glancing over to me, and I stared straight ahead at the road.
"Back when your former husband tried attacking you with a hot iron." Replying, I stayed still. Not moving. "It was almost like being stuck in a cage, wanting, needing to break free. When he told me not to move, I had to leave. I had to break free. I needed to save you and Skylar. I couldn't allow him to harm you, or her any longer. By that point, I realized I've come to love, and cherish you both." I took a glance at her, her face remained stoic.
"It was because of him, I became who I am. I became a deviant. Because I wanted to love you. I loved you before. When you were still pregnant with Sky. I just couldn't figure out how, or why. Was it because I'm a defective android? Is it because of a virus?" This time I turned to her. "What did that man tell you? Why did I become a deviant?" I questioned. Her chest rose and fell with a sigh.
"It's…complicated." She replied, pulling into the parking lot of the hospital. Putting it in park, she turned the car off. Turning to look at me, her eyes were shining. "Erik, I got you from that store because I knew you were different. I had a feeling, that you would become someone very important someday. If not to me, then to the world. Just like Markus-he's a very, very important man. He can help you be free. And I, want to help too." She was reaching to me, her hand touching my face, and I fell into her.
"I love you Erik, I've loved you for some time now. I know this is a lot to take in, I know you're in pain…I can see in your eyes. I'm hurting too…and right now, I need you." Her voice began to crack. "I need you so bad, I was so scared that I would lose you too!" Her arms wrapped around my neck, and I held her tight. I could hear her soft sobs.
"I can't lose you. Please don't leave me again…" Soft sobbing. "I love you, I love you so much…" Turning my head to kiss her cheek, she moved her face and I missed. My lips touched hers in a gentle, tender kiss. My body reacted before my brain, I returned the kiss. She tasted like coffee and maple syrup. My blood roared within my body. Taking her face within my hands, I held her as I kissed her lips. They parted lightly, and I could feel her breath cross my own lips. I wanted nothing more then to show her, how much I love her. To show her how much I wanted to protect her.
"I promise, I'll never leave." Running my thumb over her bottom lip, I kissed her once more. I never knew kissing her would feel so good. "I'll find us, a better, safer life. You, me and Skylar. I swear on it."