Why?
Author's notes: Today I went to the funeral of Ryanne Mace, one of the victims of the NIU shooting of last week. I will regret for the rest of my life that I never actually knew Ryanne. But my brother knew her, friends who are as close to me as blood brothers and sisters knew her, and people who I've looked up to and respected for years knew her. And with her loss, many of them very nearly shattered, plunged into darkness with the snuffing out of her light; that's all I need to know about Ryanne to miss her, knowing that she deeply affected so many. She was loved by people that I love, and that shows me that I also would have loved her if I'd had a chance to know her as they did. A chance that has been denied to me and to so many who could have benefited from having Ryanne enter into their lives in the future, a chance taken away by the senselessness of last Thursday. I can only hope and pray that I one day meet with Ryanne in the kingdom of Heaven, bathed in the grace and glory of the Lord.
The tragedy at Northern Illinois University has touched so many, and not only those who knew the victims. My parents went to NIU, met there, and founded the beginnings of a romance that has remained strong through twenty-seven years of marriage; now the place that brought them together has been stained with blood, on a day of love no less. As a child, I spent my summers at NIU going to speech therapy sessions and playing in the local parks; a place of childhood memories and safety now has the undertone of fear. I went to the same high school, Dundee-Crown, as Ryanne; I feel the loss of a sister graduate as do so many others from schools across the state and from NIU itself. And I have several friends who go to Northern; I can't imagine what it will be like for them to return there. I can't possibly list all of the ways that this horrible event has affected both the state of Illinois and the nation as a whole. I imagine that across the country, there are thousands asking themselves one question.
Why?
Why did this tragedy happen? Why did so many young lives full of promise have to be cut short?
I don't know why. I can't make sense of the senseless. All I feel is sorrow, confusion, and anger. So this is my way of trying to make sense of if not what happened then at least to make sense of my own feelings. I hope you will all bear with me and indulge my desire to get myself sorted out. Peace, mercy, and love be with you all regardless of nationality, faith, or creed. Amen.
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Panic or anything else.
Why? By NightHunterMGS
Kaname felt nothing. She was numb, totally completely numb. She didn't even notice how uncomfortable the wooden chair underneath her was or how the freezing winds blew through the schoolyard. She hadn't really noticed or felt anything for the last five days. It was a wonder that she'd managed enough energy to pull on the long black skirt and black blouse and walk out the door to come here today.
Here...
The place where it happened.
The place where her world had changed, even more than when she was first kidnapped by Gauron and Sousuke showed her a glimpse of another world that was so different from her comfortable and safe civilian life.
The last thought nearly made her expressionless face break and a strangled sob came softly out of her throat. Her gaze was drawn towards the building at her side. Never had the school looked so... sinister, so foreboding. The grounds had been cleared of dropped book bags and broken glass. New plaster had been placed upon the walls. It almost looked normal, save for the thick yellow police tape that still kept the front doors closed. Safe? There was no place that was safe. That horrible, average, everyday school day just last week had shown her that.
The clearing of a throat drew her attention back to the podium in front of the assembled student body. Behind the podium was the principal, the rest of the staff sitting behind her in a row. All were subdued; the principal's normal little smile and mischievously twinkling eyes were gone, the art teacher's normally unruly gray hair had actually been tamed and his outrageous personality reigned in, the elderly grounds keeper was openly weeping though none shunned him for his un-Japanese show of unbridled emotion, and even the much hated and constantly sneering gym instructor was silent and somber. Amongst the faculty, Kaname spotted Kagurazaka-sensei, their English and homeroom teacher. The woman's arm was placed in a heavy sling and bandages peeked out from underneath her sleeves and bangs. Her eyes were crimson and dry from having cried all of the tears she possibly could and her lower lip trembled, indicating to Kaname that if she still had any tears left to shed then she would be crying as bitterly as the old man to her right. It seemed as if what happened had broken the teacher, who had always seemed to care for her students almost to the point where they were like her own children. Before the podium was a draped table with five picture frames bordered by black ribbon.
The principal cleared her throat again and began, obviously careful not to let her voice be choked up by emotion. "We are gathered here today in shared grief to remember those lost to us, to honor their lives, and to try to make some sense of the tragedy that has befallen this school. Last Thursday was a normal, average day. Valentine's Day, with excited young ladies bestowing gifts of favor upon those young men who had caught their eyes. When we all came to school that morning, it was nothing terribly special. Teachers were grading papers, staff preparing the building for the day, and students worrying not only about tests and homework but also about matters of the heart. It was just a routine day like any other, until suddenly it became anything but routine. We all remember where we were, what we were doing when it happened..."
As the principal continued to speak in her subdued tones, Kaname's thoughts flashed back to five days ago.
Kaname gulped, sweat pouring down her forehead. She was trembling. Her nerves were shot by the situation she found herself in. She'd been kidnapped, shot at, held prisoner, and had a gun held to her head in the past but it all seemed like nothing compared to this moment. Glaring down, her hands clenched tightly around the box in her grip. How hard could it be to walk up to one moody military maniac and hand them a box filled with home-made chocolates?! Sure she hadn't talked to Sousuke ever since brow beating him into removing all of his security systems and "sensible" traps from school grounds two days ago and he'd been almost cold to her during that time, but he wouldn't hold a grudge or anything. Right?
A flash of light broke her out of her thoughts, and she looked up to see Kyoko standing in front of her with her ever present smile spread over her face and her trademarked cute little pink camera held firmly in hand. Any minute now she'd start in with that chipper, ultra-positive attitude and gratingly cheerful high pitched voice of hers. Kami she loved her friend dearly, but sometimes she was just too much to deal with. As if on cue, Kyoko's smile got even wider and she began her drawn out greeting. "Kaaaannnnaaaa-channn... Ohayou!"
Kaname sighed and contemplated setting the box down so that she could rest her forehead in one of her palms. "Ohayou, Kyoko. What's got you in such a great mood?"
Giggling girlishly, Kyoko reached behind her to bring out her own small, brightly wrapped box. "What do you think, Kaname? It's Valentine's Day! Sooooo... When are you giving Sousuke his chocolate?"
This statement was met by immediate denial. "NANI?! You... you're talking crazy Kyoko! As if I'd ever have anything to do with that gun obsessed, trouble causing military maniac! Oh, you're such a goof ball Kyoko! AH-HA, AH-HA, AH..."
"Kaname..."
Kyoko's voice was gentle, and Kaname was surprised when her best friend's hands reached up to cup her cheeks and bring her to face her head on. What the somewhat demure, optimistic girl said next would stay with Kaname for years as some of the wisest, most profound words that she'd ever heard.
"Kana-chan, it's Valentine's Day. And even if you never say it, I'm your best friend and I can see it as plain as day. Saying you love someone is not enough, it's how you treat them that shows you're true feelings. Now go find Sousuke, you still have time before class. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my own delivery to make."
With that said Kyoko skipped off, leaving Kaname to stare after her friend. After a long moment the blue haired girl shook herself out of the trance she seemed to be in and smiled, shrugging her shoulders in resignation. Her friend was right, it was time to go find Sousuke. Once she actually went looking for him, it took only a few minutes to find him next to his shoe locker. Shyly she approached him, hoping that for once he didn't act totally clueless. "Sousuke?"
He turned to her as his locker was closed, intense gray eyes meeting her brown ones. "Hai, Chidori-san?"
Inwardly Kaname winced. Hooo boy, it was rarely a good thing when Sousuke was formal with her. "Errr... I... that is... Well it's Valentine's Day and well... Here!"
Bowing her head, she practically thrust the box out at him. There was dead silence as Kaname stood there, secretly dreading his response. Would he either ignore or be totally clueless about her feelings as he had been so many times in the past? After the silence had dragged on for over a minute, Kaname raised her head in order to see his expression. Needless to say that she was surprised to see the normally unflappable teenage mercenary obviously flustered and with his face blushing scarlet. Hesitantly he pointed a slightly shaking finger at the box in her hands as if it were a live bomb. "K-k-kaname, are you... giving me chocolates? On Valentine's Day?"
Turning away shyly from him again but keeping one eye focused on him, her own cheeks grew heated. "Um, well... yes. Yes I am giving you chocolates, Sousuke."
It seemed impossible, but the young soldier's face grew even redder. He was practically choking on his own tongue as he stuttered out words. "I... I... I... see. Ahem. Kaname, I have known you for some time now. You've helped me out of a few tight situations and have been of great assistance to me in trying to acclimate me with civilian life, for which I am grateful. I also enjoy your company very much, and I will admit that you're quite lovely and very attractive. However, I feel that it would be both a blow upon our friendship and a distraction to my duty if we had sex tonight."
At this statement Kaname's face went blank and she stared at Sousuke as her voice came out in a monotone. "What?"
"Well yes, I'd heard that Valentine's Day was approaching and asked Sergeant Weber to clarify what the significance of the holiday was. Kurz informed me that Valentine's Day is used to make romantic gestures in order to indicate that you wish to initiate sexual relations with the designated party. He also helpfully supplied me with source material to work with should I find myself obligated to accept such a request."
"WHAT?! YOU..."
However her rage was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of a gunshot. There was what felt like a minute of silence, then it was followed by another shot. Then another. And another. Soon the air was filled with the sounds of rapid gunfire and of people screaming. It was coming from the direction of their classroom.
Before Kaname could even register his moving Sousuke was rushing in the direction of the gunshots, weapon drawn and pointed towards the ground as he raced towards the disturbance. Kaname quickly snapped out of her daze then dashed after him, just six paces behind. Within seconds they were approaching the door to their classroom when there was one final shot then silence. Sousuke burst in first, handgun ready. As she approached, she saw him go pale and holster his weapon before turning to her. "Kaname, don't go..."
But his warning was brushed off as Kaname rushed into the room to see a nightmare. There were bullet holes and spent casings everywhere. The windows were shattered. People were groaning, crying, screaming. And everywhere there was blood. So much blood. Following one puddle of blood, Kaname traced it's trail until it lead her to the sight of a girl's limp arm jutting out from behind an overturned desk, as if the frightened girl had tried to find safety by hiding underneath her desk. Cradled in the loose fingers was a small, pink camera splattered with blood.
And Kaname screamed.
"...and Tokiwa Kyoko. These five were innocent victims of a horrible and senseless act of violence. We do not understand why this happened. We do not understand why the gunman entered the school that day and began firing randomly. We do not understand why he took his own life after killing five students from several classes as well as injuring over a dozen other students and faculty. All we can do is mourn the dead, keep their memory alive, and offer comfort to those in mourning as we try to move past these tragic events. I want to assure you that the school will offer counseling and will reopen next week."
The end of the principal's speech shook Kaname out of her haunting memories, and she rose from her seat alongside the rest of the class. Later, she found herself standing in front of Kyoko's portrait, the black band in the corner signifying their loss. She'd seen and talked with Shinji, Mizuki, Ren-san, Hayashimizu-senpai, and Tsubaki as well as her other classmates and friends. They were all stunned, sad, confused, and a little angry. They all had one question; why? Why did this happen? When did the world turn upside down? It was just so crazy everything that had happened and was still happening. She'd even heard that some protesters had for some stupid reason or another stood in opposition of having any sort of memorial service; Kaname was just glad that the police had kept the insensitive muckrakers and the press far away from the service otherwise there probably would have been violence as the confused anger they all felt spilled over. Now the schoolyard was empty save for Kaname and Sousuke. She hadn't spoken to him again since that day when her best friend died. But now, standing in front of Kyoko's smiling picture, Kaname found herself whispering the one question on her mind.
"Why?"
Her voice had been soft, too soft she thought for Sousuke to hear it. Even if he had caught her whispered word, she would have doubted that he'd have an answer. To her surprise, he did.
"Because."
Kaname turned to face her friend and bodyguard, and nearly flinched when his eyes met hers. At that moment, his eyes seemed ancient. He'd seen and done so much in the short sixteen years of his life. It was times like these that reminded Kaname that while she was playing house and learning to cook as a child, Sousuke was playing with hand grenades and learning how to pilot a six ton war machine. If anyone could come even close to truly understanding what had happened, it was Sousuke.
"You asked why, Kaname. It's because this world is a dark and ugly place that snuffs out the lights that would guide us and crushes the beauty that would give us hope. I've watched nearly everybody that I've ever loved, cared about, or called comrade die. Life is pain and suffering. And it seems that it's always the good ones that are taken before they have a chance to make the world a little brighter, a little less ugly."
Sousuke stepped forward and reached out, lightly touching Kyoko's picture. With his other hand, he reached into his jacket and withdrew the worn photograph of his long dead comrades. Staring at the two pictures side by side, he was also reminded of the guerrillas who raised him, the Guaron Assassination Team, and the crew mates who'd been lost on the Tuatha De Daanan during the terrorist takeover of the ship. True, Sousuke might be clueless about most things outside of military matters. But he was well acquainted with death and loss. He knew what to say to Kaname because he'd gone through the same things that she was dozens of times before.
"Yet somehow, because the people who serve as lights in our lives do die and are mortal, that makes them all the more precious and their light that much brighter. It may seem callous, but in the presence of death we gain new appreciation of life. And when so many come to honor a life lost... It is good to know that you're not alone. That there are other people grieving and that they will offer comfort and support while you do the same for them. Funerals and memorials aren't for the dead, they're for the living to say goodbye and be surrounded by those who will shoulder some of the burden of their loss."
Hesitant, Sousuke put his picture away and dropped his hands to his sides before turning to Kaname. In a surprisingly bold move Sousuke reached out and clasped her shoulders, staring right at her. Looking into his eyes, Kaname felt as though she could see his soul itself. And that soul was in just as much pain as her spirit was. In a choked voice, the normally near-emotionless soldier tried to convey his feelings. "Tokiwa was my friend too, Kaname."
That was all it took for the control that Kaname had been doing everything in her power over these past five days to maintain was shattered. With a heartbreaking sob, the girl leaned into Sousuke and encircled him with her arms, crying bitterly into his shoulder. For once, Sousuke was able to do the right thing when his own arms reached out and returned the embrace. Sobbing, blinded by tears, the distraught schoolgirl blubbered out the only words that could hope to convey her feelings. "I... re... really miss her, Sousuke."
His voice was calm and controlled, but even it had a slight waver in it that those who knew him could recognize. "So do I."
They'd lost someone precious, someone who'd made their lives better just by being in them, suddenly and senselessly. But at least as they grieved, they were not alone.
End
Author's notes: Kyoko's line, "Saying you love someone is not enough, it's how you treat them that shows you're true feelings" is actually something that Ryanne wrote just before her untimely death. I hope this work served to help honor Ryanne, as I know that it at least helped me to sort out my own feelings. God bless everyone of you.
This fic is solemnly dedicated to the memory of Ryanne Mace, the other NIU victims, and the victims of school violence both across the nation and the globe. Let us never forget.