Certainty
"William Murdoch, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?"
"I will," he replied.
"And I so will."
No other words were necessary. Julia put her arms around William's neck and shoulders and held him to her tightly, breathing in his scent, feeling the warmth of his cheek against hers in the crisp air. For the first time in what seemed like years she felt light and free as if her heart could lift them both and soar. All the pain and anger she vented last Fall on this very spot by the lakeshore, mired for months in her guilt and her grief, dropped away like ballast bags, one by one by one. She recalled a similar moment of happiness when they had held each other just this way all those years ago in the basket of a swaying hot air balloon, saying nothing, merely enjoying the experience of reuniting and, for once, letting go of any pretense of emotional distance between them. They had eventually clung together as the atmosphere got thinner and colder, drifting north and west away from Toronto into the countryside, finally running out of conversation and (of necessity) relinquishing a small measure of their shared future, momentarily content only to be. She felt that way now, wishing fervently for this moment and these feelings to stretch on indefinitely like the horizon. A flock of geese heading south sailed overhead in a noisy procession that intruded on her thoughts, and she shifted slightly to watch them fly, feeling a kinship in their freedom.
No other words were sweeter to his ears or more welcome. William's hands slipped to her small waist and pulled her closer against his body, fitting their curves together. The usual torrent of thoughts in his mind when he was around her was blessedly quiescent for once and he knew that this was finally right and the way it was fated to be between them, so much of his internal conflict released from suspension and settling out. He felt grounded again and at peace. He knew that nothing ever stayed unchanged and one can never revisit exactly the same instance in time, but at present he was willing to suspend the law of physics and just revel in the sensations, hoping to memorize them before they inevitably evaporated. He identified that for at least a fleeting moment he had been afraid Julia would have refused him either because she had no inclination to marry, or even that after all this time she had no desire for a future with him, at least not the one he had envisioned for them. He even wondered if he would get the timing wrong again and she would automatically rebuff him. In retrospect, a small part of him also suspected that if she had said "no" this time he would likely never have asked her again… He was abruptly terrified of the risk he just took, and swallowed hard in recognition of it. He read somewhere that "courage was doing something even though you are afraid…" He tugged her even closer, encircling her with his arms. Thank God she said yes, he sent in silent prayer.
Neither knew how long they remained thus entwined, until dusk started settling rapidly around them. William sought her arms, pulling them down from his neck and taking her hands in his, kissing the backs and palms tenderly to warm them up before cupping her face in his hands and seeking her lips with his. He kept his eyes on her face as he kissed her slowly and reverently, feeling gratified as her blue eyes closed and she gave herself over to him, melting against him in evident pleasure. Then he felt her roused herself to kiss him back more firmly, grazing her tongue gently over his before breaking the contact.
Julia then put her hands on his chest and separated them a few inches, drew a breath and smiled. He leaned his forehead on hers and smiled back. "William Murdoch?" she asked.
"Yes, Julia Ogden?" he answered.
She took his hand in hers and squeezed. "This will be my last night in this house and we are going to get married. Let's celebrate!" And laughing she pulled him along towards the house, running to the porch and in the screen door, and he let himself laugh joyously right along with her.
"What did you have in mind?" he asked when they got inside, needing to catch his breath from the short romp. The house was dark and cold. He checked his watch and was surprised at the time. Getting back to Toronto tonight is going to be difficult, he thought.
"I think it is a special occasion, don't you?" she asked. "I know just the thing. You make a fire and I am going to rummage in the larder." She kissed him again. "I will be right back!"
Still grinning, William poked his head into the parlour to investigate the condition of the fireplace, went outside for two armloads of wood and set to starting the fire. He brought a couch and small table close to the hearth. The fire was well along, smelling of apple wood, when Julia came back in with a table cloth, some bread and cheese and a couple jars of preserves. She set them down and brought another tray out with glasses and two bottles.
"So, William. We have our choice. Absinthe or Champagne." When he looked at her quizzically she continued. "When I was here last Fall and Winter I went through most of the liquor cabinet. These two I could not find a taste for…" She let the rest of the explanation slide, as William reached for the champagne.
"This one, I think." He took out his penknife and skillfully opened the bottle, spilling only a little as he directed the pale liquid to the glasses, and set the bottle next to the repast on the table.
Julia produced a leather book and also placed it on the table. "I brought my calendar so we can pick a wedding date." She opened the book and flipped some pages. "How soon is too soon? Or how about New Year's Eve or New Years Day? That way you will always remember our anniversary," she teased. William gave a mock grimace but eagerly scanned the dates, running other obligations and his current cases through his head and thinking that a simple ceremony at the court house as soon as possible was preferable, and, that he could or would ever forget the date he married her was patently absurd. His pleasure overflowed and he could feel his cheeks ache a little from smiling so much.
"I was hoping for sooner rather than later…." He gave what he thought of as a winning smile and looked up at her from under his lashes, well aware that gesture had a particular effect on her. "A small wedding party followed perhaps by a feast…or a dance? I, er, don't know much about weddings…" William shrugged. "We can invite our mutual friends, of course…Julia, how much time does it take to plan a wedding?"
"I have no interest in an elaborate wedding, and I think as a modern couple we can plan whatever we agree on. I cannot imagine anything that would get in the way now. So, let's look at dates…" Julia picked up her pencil and pushed the calendar so they both could see it better by the fire light. William got up and lit a lamp for good measure.
They sat together, still wrapped in their coats, and William was about to propose a toast when he noticed a shadow cross the happiness that had been on Julia's face, dampening his elation somewhat. He thought he knew what it meant, probably about her father, but wanted to be sure.
"Julia? What are you thinking?" he asked.
She surprised him with her answer. "Did you know that Canada geese mate for life?" She just looked at him, saying nothing else.
"Branta Canadensis Interiori or Branta Canadensis Maxima? Most mate again after a few years if their partner dies, although there have been some who never do…." he went on out of habit then stopped himself. He was confused. "Julia…I don't understand…some things go without saying…" He halted and tried to figure out what she was driving at. "…But that has been the problem all along between us, hasn't it? Too much unsaid? What are you...?"
She interrupted him, surprising him again. "William, I love you. I am so in love with you….I am so in love with you it frightens me sometimes," she reached for his arms and grabbed them for emphasis. "And I almost never say this to you. I may have told other people that I love you more than I have ever said it to you…isn't that ridiculous?" She stroked the side of his face with her hand, felt tears starting and wiped her eyes before leaning in and kissing him again, fiercely.
"Indeed." William forgot all about the champagne and brought her closer to him, hungrily accepting her passionate embrace. It took him a while to come up for air, his mind spinning again.
"Julia. What are you asking?" Dear Lord, not even a few hours of contentment!… He sat her back and faced her, speaking carefully. "Julia, I love you. I will always love you. You are the only women in the world for me." He took her face again in his hand, brushing stray curls away that glowed as the fire back-lit her hair. "But I will only marry once in my lifetime, of that I am also quite convinced." He thought about what to say next and how to say it. "And like Darcy, I will never agree to divorce, although for entirely different reasons than he had. At one time I thought it was because he still loved you…. Be that as it may, please understand that I will treat our civil marriage the same as if we had married in church and our vows were sealed by a priest and before God. You must realize that…" He held his breath without knowing it, locking his brown eyes on hers as if he could will her response.
"Oh, William, I do know that!" Julia looked away and pulled a stiff leather bookmark from her calendar. He let out his breath when he recognized it, and gazed at her in amazement.
Julia held it in her left hand and traced the tooling with her right, then handed it to him. He said, "I thought it had gotten lost or misplaced…" and he blushed a little before handing it back. "I never…"
"You had put it in a book you borrowed from the morgue, and when you were out of work one time or the other I needed the reference manual back, so the inspector allowed me to retrieve it from your office. I never knew if you meant to surprise me with it or not…but I chose to keep it none the less. I have always had it, William, close to me all these years." She traced her initials 'J. O.' on the top and the inscribed '1st Corinthians 13:1-13' along the bottom edges.
"William, you made this for me, probably sometime in '96 or thereabouts. You were going to put your initials on it too, weren't you? See… you left room…" She pointed at the remaining space, and smiled at him. He nodded, slightly embarrassed at the school-boy sentiment.
"Yes…yes, I suppose I was." He looked at her and spoke softly. "'Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing….'"
Julia continued, also from memory. " 'Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…' You have never failed me William." Her eyes shone, some drops coursed down her cheeks.
He kissed the tears off her face and then finished: " 'And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.'" He paused. "Julia, these words might as well be my vows to you…." He searched her face again. "I need you to be sure, very sure, you want to marry me…'till death do us part."
Instead of answering, she took off her coat, picked up the glasses, handed one to him and brought the other up for a toast. She clinked her glass rim with his and downed the drink, her eyes never leaving his face. He copied her, shedding his coat now that the fire was throwing sufficient heat, studying her just as intently as he sipped while a wood knot popped in the grate and showered the hearth screen with sparks.
"William, what if…what if after all…what if after everything we have been through, we end up incompatible? Or that Mrs Brackenreid is right…that the passion fades, or that we do not please one another?" She said this sincerely he noticed, but with a new quirk in her smile.
He poured another glass of champagne for each of them. "Julia, everyone has a breaking point, but it is exactly because of what we have been through that I am optimistic. I am not a complete fool nor naïve, but I know how I feel about you and I thought I knew how you felt…" He noticed his tension was ebbing, a crisis perhaps avoided. He could not imagine any of her fears coming true; in fact his imagination had rehearsed quite the opposite, so frequently and so thoroughly that he was more than prepared to do whatever was necessary to allay her fears.
She drank her second glass down and encouraged him to do the same. He also drained his glass and set it beside hers. She put her fingers behind his head, threading through his hair and pulled him over to rest against her. "Make love to me William, now, tonight. " She moved to bring their faces close and kissed him deeply, insistently, for a good long while.
This was not at all what he expected. "What about waiting until our wedding night?" he managed to ask, (rather weakly) he thought.
"William, you do want me to be sure?" Julia offered coquettishly, now with a wicked smile on her lips.
"Julia, are you having me audition for the role of your lover?" He returned in pseudo-indignation, his facial expression quickly replaced by a wolfish look of desire.
"Every good theory eventually needs to be tested, William. That is the scientific principle," she answered.
"Are you finally going to have your way with me?" he asked, in between caresses.
"I think that is a perfectly fine idea…" she sighed.
"Nothing is ever perfect, milady, but if you need to increase your level of certainty…" He pulled her onto his lap to make a better exploration of her mouth with his, until she drew away, panting.
"And, William, an experiment needs to be replicatable to be valid…" Her breath caught has he ran his tongue delicately along her throat and up under her ear, and his hand swept her rib cage, temporarily rendering her speechless.
"Mmm… three data points in fact to document a trend," he whispered in her ear.
"More data does make it a more reliable indicator…." She said as she pulled out his collar studs and loosened his tie.
"Julia, I hope you also understand there is no going back. Once we start…once you are I are lovers I will not want to stop. Assuming the experiment is successful, of course…"
"Of course, William, if successful…"
"We will marry soon, very soon, no delays, agreed?" William went back to kissing her neck, closing his eyes in concentration.
"Certainly. Now, about me having my way with you…" Julia was about to make her move, when William's eyes flew open.
"Er…is the door locked?" he asked, laughing, which started her giggling.
She got up and secured the door. He stood also, waiting for her to come back to the fire, and wrapped her in his arms when she returned.
"Now, where were we…?" Julia asked as she stepped further into his embrace.
"You were having your way with me…." he said as he offered his now bare neck to her for her delectation, his eyes hooded and unfocused, and she noted his carotid pulse beating rapidly.
"Why yes. I'd be delighted!" Julia nipped his neck every so softly as her right hand fell to his waist, and she weighed whether or not she would slide it over his hip and down his still well-musceled backside or travel flat down the inner aspect of his left thigh in a long, slow, firm stroke. I wonder if William would be shocked to know how many times I thought about this before… Delighted indeed…
# # #
Dear Reader: please fill in your own imagination….. or would you like my completion, er…"M" version? I think anything labeled "M" winds up on my personal story page and not just randomly fractured in cyber-space (I am not sure, maybe someone can tell me…" -rg