Summary: After Thessia Shepard realized she is not almighty. All attempts to pity her only made it worse and Joker was the last straw. Kaidan tries to talk to her, but she slaps him.
Note: Thanks to HeroInTraining, who helped me to edit the text!
"So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care"
Until it Sleeps
"Why did you deactivate your omnitool? I barely managed to find you," Kaidan scolded. He was leaning against the wall, hands crossing on his chest.
Shepard almost startled with surprise, as she had been deep in her thoughts and did not notice his arrival.
"Maybe, genius, that's because I didn't want to be found, huh?" Shepard raised her eyes, red from insomnia.
"Of course, Commander." Kaidan nodded.
Actually, it was not an easy task to get away from the Normandy unnoticed. The crew always was aware of her approximate location. Sometimes it was not safe even on the Citadel, and all precautionary measures made sense. However, today the Commander was in no mood to be disturbed or distracted by anything or anybody. Not by the calls and not by the heart-to-heart conversations.
Shepard had been trying to collect her thoughts after Thessia. Maybe it would have been much easier if the crew had not tried to comfort her. Pity reminded that she had failed. She had not been enough strong, fast or smart...
"Would you stay here all day?" Kaidan wondered roughly, interrupting her thoughts. "Traynor told me she has learned something interesting, you should look at it."
"Get lost, please," Shepard said through gritted teeth.
They just were not able to understand, all of them. Nobody, dammit, nobody could understand, because the responsibility, the consequences were all hers. It was, by all means, her job and she had failed. Her crew considered her a commanding officer who needed some attention or pity. Or some silly jokes. Well, maybe, it was not a good idea to be that mean to Joker, he just wanted to cheer her up. On the other hand, he should not have started this stupid conversation...
"Shepard," Kaidan said softly, "we should get back to the Normandy."
He stepped closer and leant over the railing next to her.
They were standing near the Normandy docking bay, but some levels below it. A backstreet located far from the main traffic, some kind of a balcony with a beautiful view on the road. The commander even had not paid much attention to how she had stopped by here, just occasionally wandered, deep in her thoughts.
Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she imagined herself grabbing Kaidan by the collar and throwing him over the handrail.
"I'm enjoying the fresh air, don't you see?" she said with sarcasm.
"I don't, actually," Alenko answered. "But it's clear that you're here alone. Not to mention you turned off your signal. If the Illusive Man decided to finish you off, he would use any opportunity. You are not armed, nobody knows about your location. If not him, there are many others like Batarians, too."
"I grew up on the Earth, I know how to fight." She turned away, pretending to admire the passing shuttle. One more question, and she was not sure about the outcome.
"Shepard, I understand that you're upset-"
"You understand nothing," she burst out. "You have been there, but still you don't understand!"
Alenko frowned with disappointment.
"Fine," he narrowed his eyes, "if you don't want to talk about this or listen to others, fine! But don't lose your temper with those who care about you."
"What the hell you are talking about?"
"Whom. Joker. He told me about your last conversation. I don't think he deserves such a treatment. Ma'am."
"None of your business. I'm still your commanding officer, by the way."
Kaidan grinned.
"That's what it all about. It was a foolish thing to think that you are concerned about the asari or their homeworld, especially considering your racist feelings to the aliens."
"What do you want to say?"
"You just pity yourself." Kaidan didn't notice as he raised his voice. "You are the great Commander Shepard, and all your missions had been completed! At what cost - doesn't matter. And here we have an indoctrinated person, whom you don't know personally, but who get over you. Somebody was stronger than you, not even a Reaper."
"Shut up!" Shepard spat. "You're on the edge."
"Also, I wanted to know - did you have any remorseful feelings about that unit you almost lost on Torfan? Or did you feel satisfaction after the well-done job? Shall we expect something like that?"
"It's none of your business." Shepard clenched her fists. "If you won't go away-"
Didn't this lame psychologist notice that she had already been losing her temper?
"Then what?" he arched an eyebrow. "I honestly want to help you… I suppose that for the first time you are not sure what to do".
Commander suddenly even for herself slapped him. She immediately felt the stinging pain and still could hear the sound of flesh hitting flesh. It was a perfect time to cool off, but she became even more angry.
"So, I'm right." Kaidan touched his reddened cheek. "Did I hit the spot?"
"You know, I thought Joker has some kind of megalomania, you know, when he constantly talks about his flight skills. Now for the first time something doesn't go as you planned. We, mortals, cannot understand this, right?"
Shepard was standing opposite him, breathing heavily. Yes, he was right. Right, dammit! So what?
"You are the only one who can take care of everything. The building of the Crucible? Admiral Hackett? Child play. Nothing compares to you!"
Major Alenko made a step forward. Shepard automatically stepped back, feeling the cool surface of the wall against her back.
"So?" Kaidan was staring into her eyes.
"He's not even angry. He's better to be," she thought.
Vega called this a "dance;" for Shepard it was a fight. Almost childishly to punch the offender. Kaidan blocked all her blows and then attacked, hitting her on the forearm. Shepard aimed a blow to his face, but Alenko managed to catch her arm in the air. In her young days on Earth, Shepard had her fair share of street fights, not always as a winner. And one man, even a biotic, wasn't much trouble. He certainly wouldn't expect...
Shepard didn't expect that Major knew such words. He might be listening to James Vega very carefully. Anyway, it was nice that she hadn't forgotten such movements like hitting below the belt.
She ran away, not turning back.
"Yes, she is on board." Samantha nodded, still looking in her terminal. "She went straight to her quarters, told me nothing. Well... I noticed she didn't look well... But she often returns like that, right?"
Traynor finally looked at Kaidan.
"And you, Major... Did something wrong happen on the Citadel? Somebody has attacked you?"
"You can say that," he nodded. "Dare to suggest that Commander doesn't wish to see anybody right now."
"Acknowledged," Samantha responded, again looking at the monitor.
Alenko, frowning, stepped in the elevator and hit the button for the third deck. He probably should visit Chakwas and ask her for some medigel or he risked having a nice black bruise under his eye tomorrow.
"Doctor, I-"
"Hello, Kaidan," Liara, who was visiting her friend, whistled. "What's happened?"
"Never mind," he waved his hand.
"This 'never mind' is sitting in the captain's quarters?" Chakwas asked skeptically, taking some medigel from the cupboard. "What's wrong?"
"Not sure, really." Kaidan smiled.
"I even think somebody of our own would choke her someday," Liara admitted. After Thessia the asari was crestfallen, but managed to move on. She knew that many others needed her help.
"Sometimes I'd like to do that personally - Hey!"
"Don't whine," Chakwas scolded.
"Well, now you have to face the most difficult part - to make peace with her," the asari said.
"Certainly not! I still value my life. She should calm down a little." Kaidan grumbled. "I've suffered enough already! You even can't imagine how much! She hit me! Here!"
"Kaidan!" Liara smirked. "She won't apologize first, so it's up to you to make the first step. I know her well. She will walk alone, not talking to anybody, pretending she's a lone space wolf, not suffering, but enjoying all of this... Only she is not."
"I hope, she would not threaten Joker anymore. He is easy to break. Maybe we should ask Vega to mount a punching ball in her bunk."
The biotic was sleeping peacefully on the couch and Shepard decided to leave.
"Need something, Commander?" Alenko asked, not opening his eyes.
She froze in the doorway. Kaidan yawned and sat up, rubbing his forehead.
"Nothing," Shepard murmured. "Just checking in if everything is alright."
"In that case, I'm fine, ready for another mission. Ma'am." The major shrugged. "So if there's nothing more I'd rather prefer to sleep some more."
"You had not been sleeping," Commander realized. "You don't even look asleep."
"Okay, you are right. Damn migraines." Kaidan stretched. "What do you want? Feeling remorseful, aren't we? If so, I don't believe that because you don't have any."
Shepard narrowed her eyes and clenched her fists, but managed to control herself.
"Well, if you want to say something, don't bother, I just do not care. If I were you I would tell Joker I am sorry, poor guy did nothing wrong. He just has a strange sense of humor."
Shepard wanted to say something but managed to keep it to herself. Strange, but now she failed to understand what had been wrong with her earlier. The problems were still there, but she didn't want to fret and fume anymore. On the contrary, she was now aware that she should do something! Look at Samantha's data; plan something; anything but sitting here, raging idly.
Shepard abruptly turned away, then changed her mind and approached the couch. Alenko skeptically raised his eyebrow and patted the empty space near himself. Commander sat down and snuggled over his warm shoulder.
"I suppose... I should not hit that hard," she finally said.
"Right, so you should hit, but a little weaker? Okay, Shepard, if you want to know - I provoked you."
"How so?" the commander wondered. "You mean you did this on purpose?"
"When you're angry you look like a time-bomb, and many civilians could be hurt. I suppose I helped you... to blow off some steam."
"Pendejo," Shepard murmured, making herself more comfortable on his shoulder. "Wait! So, you didn't mean what you have said?"
"On the contrary". Kaidan closed his eyes. "And I won't take my words back, because this is true. Despite all your regards, you are not almighty, no matter how badly you wanted to be."
"Well, if you want to know, after Torfan I didn't care because I still think that I did the right thing," she mumbled after the long silence. "But I almost failed some later assignments."
"I didn't expect that," Alenko said seriously. "We will find the Illusive Man, and that ninja-boy too, I promise. By the way, your eyes are red."
"I was mourning the loss of my fish," Shepard muttered.
"And don't forget to apologize to Joker," Alenko reminded.
"You are a grunge. The next time I'll beat you on purpose."
"The next time? We can do it right now."
Kaidan stood up and gestured Shepard to do the same. Then he biotically moved the couch to the wall. Shepard looked at him with surprise.
"Don't hit below the waist," he asked, rubbing his neck.
"Don't use the biotics," Shepard demanded in the same tone. "And don't pull by the ears."
"Ears?"
"Yes, my former Corporal used to do this. He died on Torfan."
Then she moved into defensive position and tried to attack, but Kaidan easily avoided the blow.
Sparring had been continuing with varied success, and Shepard decided to finish it. She gathered all her strength, grabbed Kaidan by the arms and stretched him to the ground.
"See?" she squatted beside him. "I can do everything. Sometimes... I just... not lucky enough."
"I let you win," Kaidan said, still lying on the floor. "By the way, I was curious..."
"Curious?"
Kaidan suddenly reached out for her waist. Commander yelped, losing her balance, and fell onto him.
"You are afraid of tickling," Kaidan concluded, trying to catch his breath.