I never thought I would fall for someone like Rufus Humphrey. So… unlike me, but at the same time, my soul mate. I thought I left him in the past, that night…

"what are you saying Lil?"

"we… I just can't see you anymore."

"does this have anything to do with your mother?"

"no, of course not. It's just," my mind was spinning, like I had just been knocked out and couldn't remember the fight. It was scary saying the next sentence I had rehearsed over and over in my head.

"I don't want to be with you anymore, Rufus. I… I found someone else." Rufus' eyes filled with anger and jealously but before I could find deep satisfaction in his emotions, I ran. I didn't look behind at him, only at the door to my mansion. I had given up everything for my first love and, because of my arrogant mother, in the blink of an eye, I lost it all.

That was then, this is now. Up until last year my life had been the same old grind. Keep Serena out of trouble, keep Erik safe, and marry a billionaire while I'm at it. But then, Erik tried to commit suicide, Serena came back from boarding school all whole-and-healed, and I got a divorce and involved with Bart Bass. With the return of my daughter came her Brooklyn boyfriend, Dan, whose father just happened to be the man I was running away from twenty years ago. Before I knew it, my life had become a bad country song on repeat: boy loves girl; girl loves boy; girl loves money; girl leaves boy; girl and boy find out that their children are dating and now have to put their feelings aside because girl's daughter didn't want girl to go away with boy. Yeah, that song would top the Top 20 Countdown charts in a second.

In the time since last September, things had gotten a lot more complicated than what I just said. I had some rough spots with Bart so I used Rufus to make him jealous that night at Eleanor's, for example, and ended the night feeling happy that Bart and I were back together but disappointed that I used a friend as my little puppet to get Bart back. It wasn't even worth it either because, just two weeks since the party, he supposedly cheated on me with one of his co-workers (it was just a misunderstanding between Chuck and his father but it still hurt).

I thought that after I married Bart everything would be fine. I would go back to my high society life and forget all about little Humphrey, that is until Serena got dumped by Humphrey and we moved back into our old house. It was nice to be back in a stable house, but I don't know, something about the three story mansion didn't feel like home. Oh, I know what you're thinking, 'The only place she'll feel at home is with Rufus.' Blah, Blah… well you know what? You're wrong! Because I'm not in love with Rufus Humphrey… that much. Wait, what am I saying? I take that back… the last part… the 'that much' part.

Anyways, tonight is the most important socialite party hosted by Eleanor Waldorf and Anne Archibald (poor woman; lost everything thanks to her no-good husband's cocaine, embezzlement, and fraud problem and him fleeing to Dominica I can't begin to fathom the idea of her deciding to host a party all by herself, which is why Eleanor insisted she assist) and I still haven't chosen anything to wear. Maybe I still have that vintage Chanel shift that I wore three years ago on my honeymoon. With any luck no one will recognize it if I add some updated diamond jewelry.

I made my way up to the attic, tore up practically half the room and still haven't found the shift.

"Looking for this?"

I turned to see Rufus standing in the doorway, holding a black dress. The black dress. The same black dress I wore to the rehearsal dinner for my recent wedding and the same black dress I, uh, discarded at a local hotel the last time I saw him… long story.

"No, besides, What are you doing here? I thought I locked the door."

Rufus entered the attic and dropped the dress on a sheet-covered nightstand. "I took the elevator. I heard you go upstairs," he responded, a little frustrated that I hadn't assumed that, it seemed.

I grabbed the dress in haste and practically ran down the stairs to my bedroom, hoping Rufus wouldn't follow me. Better yet, he should just leave! Why did he have to show up the day Bart was in Cancun on business? "I don't have time for this Rufus. I have somewhere I need to be." I said, quite annoyed that I still couldn't find that shift.

"Where's Bart?"

I still couldn't look at him. After all, it had been six months since I last saw him because he had been on the road. Maybe this was his way of reuniting peacefully… yeah right. Since when was life peaceful?

"Cancun. Why do you care?"

I ventured into my untidy closet (the maid went with Bart) and started lifting different articles of clothing up and flinging them into the air like some mad robber trying to find money or other valuables in an empty house. I heard Rufus walk in as well, stopping a few steps behind me. "You know, I can have you arrested for stalking me." I said deliberately. Feed up with the fact he was still here. "Look, you can either leave or be escorted out. Your choice." Finally finding the Jimmy Cho pumps I lost three weeks ago.

Rufus chuckled, "Escorted by whom, the doorman? He's the wimpiest guy I have ever seen, Lil." That was the last straw. I rose from the kneeling position I was in on the floor and finally faced him. He looked good for being on the road with little to no sleep. The nice, scruffy, bad guy look was actually working for him… wait, Lillian, STOP! "No one calls me Lil anymore." I said pushing him out of the way so that I could get to my chest of drawers. He followed, man this was getting old fast.

"Well, then call me no one." he said, a smile seemingly, permanently plastered on his face. "What are you ever-so-desperately looking for? Any way I can help?" I shook my head still distracted in the attempt to find that Chanel! "I'm looking for a gold, beaded, short dress that looks like it is from the 20's. Do you see it anywhere?" I turned just in time to see Rufus carefully lifting the dress out of an open piece of luggage. "This it?" he asked with deep satisfaction in his face again, like he was some big hero. I snatched the dress from his hands and locked myself in the bathroom.

I quickly (quicker than usual at least) got dressed and opened the door, all the while hoping that Rufus had gotten bored and left. I opened the double French doors to see… Rufus. Damn it. "You know I can have you arrested for stalking." With my hands folded across my chest. Rufus rose from his spot of the bed and walked right over to me. Him just standing inches away from my face made me feel powerless as I unfolded my arms. He took both my hands in his and looked straight into my eyes. My stomach turned and it gave me the jitters. I got scared and looked down feeling a mix of guilt and excitement. Rufus released my right hand and tilted my head up with his left, my eyes still closed. I slowly opened them and looked him straight in the eyes. I opened my mouth to say something.

"I love you."