Aching Heart
Regina was rushing to the diner to meet Emma for lunch. The Sheriff and the Mayor had managed to free up almost a full hour, so that they could spend some time together over food. In spite of her busy morning, full of meetings for budget making decisions, Regina was proud of herself for getting away on time. A full forty five, possibly fifty minutes with her Emma! Bliss. Just as she reached the fence outside Granny's she was stopped by Mrs Andrews. "Oh hello there Mayor Mills, so lovely to see you." Regina grit her teeth and put on her best politicians smile. Mrs Andrews was well known for her inane chatter as well as her ability to gossip up a storm. "Hello Mrs Andrews, lovely to see you." Regina rushed on. "Please forgive me rushing but I'm on my way for a meeting with Sheriff Swan and I don't want to be late." The old lady smiled knowingly and touched Regina's forearm, smiling slyly. "Oh yes dear, 'a meeting' with our sheriff. You two love birds have fun." Regina was starting to tire of the comments and the innuendos that were starting to reach her. She wasn't sure if the comments were because she was in a relationship that she was open about, or because it was a relationship with another woman, or possibly, just that Emma Swan made her so happy she had become a different person. But either way, Regina saw the comments, the looks and was tiring of how uncomfortable it was making her feel.
Emma was facing the door, waiting for Regina. When she walked in, Emma grinned at her, but her face dropped a little as Regina sat opposite her, instead of next to her. Emma slid her foot slowly up Regina's leg and leaned across the table at her. "Hey beautiful, missed you," Emma whispered to her and looked into her eyes. Regina wanted to melt and fall into Emma, but Mrs Andrew's comments echoed in her head. So instead, Regina sat up straight and grabbed a menu, studying it carefully and trying to ignore Emma's confused look. Emma pinched the top of the menu and returned it to the holder. "I've already ordered for us Regina, you don't need to bother with that. She went to hold Regina's hand, but it was withdrawn and placed on her lap, out of her reach. "Why did you order for me? I'm perfectly capable of ordering for myself!" Regina whispered angrily, eyes darting around the diner to see who was watching them. Eyes that had previously been fixed on the pair, looked anywhere but, as Regina locked eyes with each person. "Hey babe, calm down. I'm sorry Regina. For whatever it is I've done that's made you angry." Emma moved, trying to catch Regina's eyes as they moved wildly around glaring at people. Eventually Regina looked at her and felt herself calming down. Something about Emma's eyes always centred her and gave her a peace that she could never find anywhere else. Emma's love for her was always written all over her face and Regina usually rejoiced in it. Today, it just calmed her slightly; stopped her from going over the edge.
Regina's anger was momentarily interrupted by Ruby bringing their food. She placed a salad in front of the Mayor and a burger in front of Emma. Emma grinned at her in thanks and Ruby laughed, saying, "well hey, I'm sure you need to keep your strength up, right" and winked at her as she motioned to Regina. Regina saw red! She started stabbing the leaves on her plate. Emma closed her eyes and bit into her fries, trying to ignore the steam rising from Regina and the row she could feel coming. However, Regina just ate her lunch and ignored Emma and everyone else around her. She couldn't wait to get back to the office and away from people. She needed to be alone and back in control.
They had both finished their food and Regina threw a few bills on the table to cover the meal. Without looking at Emma, Regina got up to leave. Quick as a flash, Emma darted away from the table and grabbed Regina's hand. Regina loved it when Emma held her hand. She felt there was something incredibly intimate about their palms open and touching, fingers entwined and moving together. But today, Regina pushed her hand away and headed for the door. As she walked through the door and down the steps she almost collided with Granny, arms full of groceries. "Well hello my lovelies. How are my favourite couple today?" she didn't seem to sense any of the tension and her talking just seemed to be adding to the problem. "Have you two had a romantic lunch together? I was just saying to one of my customers the other day, how wonderful it is to see you two in love. And with those boys as well..." Regina pushed past Granny, her face red and angry, and she stalked back towards her car. Emma mumbled a quick apology to Granny and scurried after Regina. In her anger, Regina was fumbling in her bag for a key and missed Emma approaching her, only realising she was there when her arms went either side of her body to touch the car, pushing Regina slightly into the door. "What?" Regina spat at her, refusing to give in. Where the hell was her key!
Very calmly, Emma whispered into her lover's neck. "Hey beautiful, I'm sorry. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. I love you Regina." She placed her right hand on Regina's shoulder and went to turn her to face her, but Regina was fast and pushed her away. Regina's eyes darted up and down the street, looking at who might be watching them. Emma followed her eyes and opened her mouth to say something when Regina cut her. "Don't... just don't! I need to get back to the office. Just...let me be..." and with that, she was in the car and pulling off before Emma could say another word. As she watched Regina drive off, she felt strangely cold and alone. "Regina...are you ashamed to be seen with me...?" Emma whispered into the air...
Emma picked Henry up from his friend's house on the way home from work. She had felt desperately sad all afternoon, but now with Henry in the car, her spirits lifted. He was telling her all about his day in school - they had been on a field trip to the forest and learned about everything living and growing there. He wanted to know if they could take a drive there on the weekend so that he could show his moms and his brother what he had found. Emma was worried that with the mood Regina was in they wouldn't be doing anything nice in the foreseeable future, but she also knew that Regina would do anything for her boys, so she agreed that it was great idea. When they got to the house, Henry thundered in, calling for his Mom. Regina came out of the kitchen and her face lit up as her boy ran to her to tell her about his day. She held his face in her hands as he related everything about the trip and then went on to say about the plans for the weekend. Regina raised her eyes to meet Emma's as she heard that Emma had already agreed to them going to the forest. Emma knew she was in trouble.
Regina's hands now rested on Henry's shoulders as she bent down until they were eye to eye. "I'm sorry Henry, but Ma shouldn't have made plans for us all without checking first. I'm sure you and her will have a lovely time, but Calon and I won't be able to come." She kissed Henry on the cheek and went back into the kitchen, refusing to look at Emma. Emma went to the boy and ruffled his hair then kissed the top of his head. He looked crestfallen. "Go on up to your bedroom and start your homework, kid. I'll go talk to Mom." Emma squared her shoulders, straightened her spine and took a deep breath. Then shoved her hands in her pockets and hoped she would be able to say something that didn't involve her head leaving her neck.
Regina was stirring something in a pot over the cooker and ignored Emma as she leaned against the counter next to it. "Hey beautiful, want to tell me what today has been about?" Silence. "Something happen in work this morning? cos we both left the house smiling after, you know." Emma ignored Regina's silence as she thought back to this morning and the fun they had had together in the shower. And then once again against the closet door... they had almost been late, but Emma had told Regina it was so worth being a little late and Regina had kissed her and agreed. That's why they had agreed to meet for lunch. They wanted to carry those feelings through the day with them. But something had obviously happened, because Regina had lost that loving side to her by the time she had reached the diner. Emma reached over to hold the arm nearest to her, trying to stop Regina stirring and look at her instead. "Leave me alone Emma." Emma snatched her arm back as if burned. The ice in Regina's voice was worse than she ever remembered it being, even when she had first come into town and worried Regina that she was here to steal her boy away. "Regina, what the hell is wrong with you?" Emma voice was raised but calm. She didn't want to fight. She just wanted to get to the bottom of what was wrong. Regina still refused to look at her, refused to speak to her and now she had turned her back on Emma and walked across the kitchen away from her.
"Regina. Regina! Come on. Don't walk away from me. Talk to me and lets sort this out." Regina stood with her back to Emma and her arms wrapped around herself. But still refusing to talk. Emma sighed in defeat. In a voice that seemed to come from a small child, not a world wise adult, Emma whimpered, "you're ashamed of me aren't you? Being seen with me, you hate it?" When there was no answer from Regina, Emma turned slowly, her arms wrapped around her mirroring Regina's stance and she left the room.
It was only when Regina heard the front door click shut, she moved. Her body jolted as if she had electricity running through her. And then she fell to her knees, hands clasped over her mouth, as if trying to keep the sobs inside. Fifteen minutes later, this was the position Henry found her in. He wrapped himself around her back and held her tight to him, not knowing what was happening or what to do in this situation. He knew his Ma would know, but she obviously wasn't here and he had a feeling that she was involved in his Mom being in this state. They rocked slowly back and fore until Calon could be heard crying. He had been left to play safely in his cot, and now either something was wrong, or he was just fed up of being on his own. "Henry..." Regina groaned. Henry squeezed her and got up. "It's okay Mom, I'll go see what's wrong with Calon."
Hours later, after Calon and Henry had been put to bed, Regina was pacing the ground floor of their house. She had thrown things in anger (and then cleaned up). She had cried until her throat was aching. And now she was lost. Where was her Emma? She needed her to come home. But Emma wasn't picking up her phone. She wasn't answering her texts. Regina started up the stairs to check on her boys. She could at least find some peace by looking in on them as they slept in their innocence. Calon was sleeping, as usual, with his giraffe clasped tightly in his hand. He slept without a pacifier now, but his lips still made a sucking motion, just like they had when he was a newborn. Regina ran her hand across his brow and then down his cheek, softly touching his beautiful skin and smiling at the luck that had come her way in having this wonderful child. She had been so happy with Henry, and was so scared that she couldn't love another child as much. But this boy had proved her wrong and her family had been made complete. She closed his door carefully and moved down the hall to Henry's room. As she approached she could hear Henry speaking. And she could tell exactly who it was that she was speaking to. "She cried for ages...yeah I know but...I didn't know what to do, she was so sad...she even threw things, one of the mirrors downstairs is broken...please come home Ma...it's not the same without you...Mom needs you...me and Calon miss you, but Mom...please Ma..."
Regina stayed pressed against the wall outside Henry's room listening to this one side of the conversation. She had never heard Henry so sad. It pushed her into action. She quietly opened his door and stepped inside. Henry jumped as his mother appeared in front of him, holding her hand out for the phone. He was scared he was in trouble. He hadn't asked for permission to use the phone, and he assumed his Mom wouldn't want him to be involved in their fight. He was, therefore, surprised when his mom sat down next to him on the bed and put her arm around him as she put the phone to her ear. She rushed out what she needed to say, in case Emma ended the call. "I'm sorry darling, so sorry. Please come home to me." She was met with the silence that she expected. "Where are you Emma? Let me come to you." A quick look to a nodding Henry told her that he and Calon would be okay for a little while if Emma allowed her to go to her. "At the station" Emma said, sounding more down than Regina had ever heard, and then the call was over.
"Are you sure you'll be alright on your own with Calon?" Regina asked Henry. "It's a big responsibility and I hate to do this, but I need to bring Ma home. I need to tell her I love her and put this right between us." Henry, always a child older than his years, put his arms around Regina and put his head on her shoulder. "Mom, don't worry, Calon and I will be fine. Keep your cell with you and I'll ring if there's any problem. But please go and bring Ma home. It's not right when she's not here. It all feels wrong." Regina blinked away the tears forming in her eyes. "Oh my baby boy. What would I do without you? I love you my Henry. I'll be as quick as I can, but I promise I won't come home without Emma. This is all my fault and I'll make it right." She hugged him quickly and got up to leave, but he grabbed her hand before she could leave. "Remember Mom" he said with a serious face, "Ma won't have stopped loving you because of this. She's hurt, but she still loves you." Regina saw the truth in his eyes and smiled at him.
Regina walked into the police station with a confidence she didn't feel. She expected Emma to be sitting at her desk, but she was in fact sitting on the sofa next to the end cell. She had her elbows on her knees, playing with the ever present photo locket hung around her neck and looked completely dejected. Regina immediately went and kneeled before her, taking hold of her hands and looking her in the eye. Emma looked away. Regina knew she had to make this right.
"I'm sorry Emma. I'm sorry for everything that I did today. I love you, please come on home." She desperately didn't want to cry and have Emma think she was using emotional blackmail on her, but she couldn't stop the tears falling at the sight of Emma broken in front of her. Emma was shaking her head and had matching tears. "I don't want to fight with you Regina" Emma whispered, "but I don't know what I did today to have you treat me like that. And I can't let you win this one. An apology isn't enough. I need to know what you were thinking. Because this hurts. You hurt me. And it shouldn't feel like this between us. Between two people who love the way we do. I know the boys are home alone, but talk to me." Emma sat up straighter and cleared her throat. "Talk to me Regina and explain why you were ashamed to be seen with me today. Tell me why I'm suddenly not good enough". Emma's voice was getting stronger and she was reigning in the urge to shout.
Regina remained on the floor, but moved so that she could cross her legs in front of her. She held on tight to Emma's hands though, even when she felt Emma try to move them away. "Okay. First off. I love you Emma, and I am not ashamed of you, our relationship or our love." Regina waited until Emma looked her in the eye. "I. Love. You." The edges of Emma lips moved ever so slightly upwards and had Regina not been focusing on her face, she would have missed it. "So why Regina? I don't understand. It's like you were a different person today", Emma's voice was stronger, but she still sounded incredibly sad. ""I'm tired Emma. I'm tired of our private lives being public. I'm tired of everyone watching us", Regina's voice also sounded sad. Emma huffed a laugh. "Regina. We're the Mayor and the Sheriff. We're public property." Regina hung her head and shook it. "No Emma, our lives aren't public property. Our private family life isn't there for everyone to comment on and make assumptions. I just hate being watched. I hate being gossiped about. And everywhere I went today, someone had a comment to make about us and our life together. And today...it just...got to me. And then I took it out on you. The one person who didn't deserve it. The one person I love above everyone else that I have ever loved. The one person who makes me happy and has given me my happily ever after. I love you Emma, and I'm sorry for how I behaved today, because you are the person that I never want to hurt." Regina pushed herself up from the floor and walked away from Emma, trying to calm her breathing down and swiping at the tears that now flowed steadily down her face. Regina felt broken and her voice wavered. "I love you Emma. Please don't leave me" and she wrapped her arms tight around her body as if she could protect her heart that way.
There was silence. Regina thought she could even hear her own heartbeat as it thundered away in her chest. She was just about to turn back to Emma and tell her she would return home to the boys when she felt Emma's arms slide around her waist from behind. Regina desperately wanted to melt into Emma's body, but she was sure this was a goodbye. Until she felt a whisper of a kiss on the back of her neck.
"I love you Regina. More than I want to when I'm angry with you. I'm not going to leave you Regina. I promised you I would never leave you and I don't break my promises. But I'm not ashamed of us. And when we're out in public, I want to hold your hand and kiss you. I don't care if people see, I don't care if they judge. I'm proud of having someone who loves me. I'm proud of being a mom to two incredible boys, who are turning into amazing human beings. I've never had that before Regina. I've never had anyone I could show off. Never had anything that other people would look at and be envious of. I've always been the one looking at other people lives and wishing that I could be loved. So now that I've got it, I'm not apologising for wanting others to see just how happy you, Henry and Calon make me. I'm finally the one with the happy ever after that everyone else wants." Emma finished her speech and waited for Regina to say something. She could hear her sniffing, but she was waiting for Regina to come back with her terms for their relationship. She was sure before they returned home, she would have to barter for some aspects of their lives to remain in the public. Regina swung around quickly in Emma's arms and kissed her. Despite the speed at which she moved, her kiss was soft and delicate. Passionate, yet loving. It caught Emma by surprise, but seconds later she was kissing her back and pulling her ever closer. Regina broke away first and touched her forehead to Emma's.
"You are going to have to be patient with me Emma. When I go to pull away in public, you're going to have to hold onto me harder. I've never been comfortable with people knowing my business and now that I have the three of you, there are three more reasons for people to talk about me. But I want you to know that I am proud of you, proud of being with you, proud to be yours. And if you need me to show people, then I will. I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy Emma. I adore you."
Emma grinned. She had gone from feeling lower than the ground itself, to feeling like she was floating through a cloud. She hated that she always forgave Regina so easily, but then, wasn't that the relationship she was going for? She loved Regina with everything she had and was willing to take whatever Regina had to give. And Regina was giving something here that really meant something. She was giving herself. She was changing for Emma. "Come on babe, let's go home. The boys have been on their own long enough. Henry's probably had kittens by now!"
Regina expected Henry to be anxiously pacing around the house when they got back, but it was eerily silent and dark. Hand in hand, Emma and Regina walked upstairs, wanting to check on the boys before they went to bed. Henry's room was first, but his bed was empty, sheets and blankets on the floor next to it. Regina smiled at Emma and squeezed her hand. "I'll bet he's in with Calon, looking after him, come on" and she pulled Emma after her. Calon's room was empty too and the pressure on Emma's hand increased, until Emma noticed a soft light coming from under their bedroom door. Whispering, she led Regina forward, "I think I know where our sons might be Regina."
There on Emma's side of the bed, lay Calon, with Henry holding him securely to him, both sound asleep. The two women looked at their sons as they held tight to one another. Regina stroked Emma's cheek and pulled her closer for a kiss. "I always feel safe when I can smell your scent on the bed next to me. I guess the boys needed it too" Regina whispered as she nuzzled her nose against Emma's cheek. Regina and Emma quickly changed for bed and slid in Regina's side, spooning together and snuggling up close to their boys. Regina's hand reached around and she touched Emma's locket. "I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you Emma. I don't think I'll ever be able to be everything you deserve. But I promise I'll never stop loving you. I'll never stop trying to be a better person for you." Regina kissed Emma's shoulder as she whispered in her ear. Emma turned her head and captured her lips. "Regina stop. You are enough for me. I don't need anything else. You. You, just as you are. I love you beautiful". "Maaaaa" Henry whined sleepily, "I'm really pleased you're back and you're both happy again, but please, stop with the kissing in front of the kids."