Dear you,

Do you believe in love?

It is a simple question but really, have you ever stopped yourself and truly asked whether you believe in this deep connection, this bond that no-one and nothing can replace?

Is it possible for someone to leave you with such an impact that you are marked for life? No matter where you look, you see their face. No matter how hard you try to forget them, their smiles haunts you and no matter how hard you try to learn to live without them, you can't?
They have left a permanent scar on your soul that burns constantly even when you don't think about it.

They left a hole in your heart so big that nothing is close to being good enough to fill it.

It is like an endless well that constantly runs out of water. The worst though, is the ghost they leave in your mind. That obsession where you replay over and over again the time you spent with them because you are terrified to forget them. Their finger prints are plastered in your memories and anytime you are reminded of it, it never fails to take your breath away.

When I was a little girl, I believed in true love, it was the kind the princesses had with princes. I grew up, met someone I thought was the one and realized they were not. I got angry and questioned love. Maybe it was just the fairy tale ending, nothing is perfect in life, so why would love be?

Then I met him and everything changed.

When I close my eyes, it's his I see. When I take a breath, it's his I feel. I get this automatic knot in my stomach the moment I hear his name in the grocery store or called at the bar. I keep telling myself I will forget about him, but how could I when I can still smell him on my skin? I would give anything to feel histouch again or to see him laugh. I wish I could steal back those moments where we laughed so hard we cried and the others where we loved each other so much we cried again.

They say time heals everything but it has been 5 years and he is still in my heart and in my head. Sure at first the emotions burns bright. You have a rollercoaster of them between anger, hate, and sadness: disbelief sometimes including jealousy because you know he is not alone and you wish you were her. Over the years though, there is only one thing that lingers; his absence.

I miss him so much; there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, where he is, what he is doing or if he thinks of me. When I am alone, I cry for him, for myself, for everything that I have lost, that WE have lost because it is the only time I can truly express how I feel deep down. His absence has a constant grip on my heart, squeezing until it bleeds tears of heartache. My stomach is in a vice that keeps on closing in and I cannot do anything else but to yell out in pain to relieve the pressure, just like the steam in a kettle.

Nothing compares to him, absolutely nothing. I walk my days without purpose, feeling lonely without his soul with mine. I thought time would take this pain away but it only makes it more real, deeper and dull.

I would die for one more kiss, that's what I keep telling myself. His lips on mine, I would tremble.

You see, this love I wasn't sure I could believe in but now I cannot deny it, it is a burden I carry with me every day. How am I supposed to love another man when my heart clearly belongs to another?
I made a choice; I followed my head because I didn't want to see what my heart wanted. I foolishly believed that I could convince my heart to love someone because they were what I logically wanted. All it did for my heart was to make it scream louder and louder and I had no choice but to become numb, waiting for that one chance to live again at his side, but accepting it might never come.

I married Sam, I wanted kids with him. We tried, but something was wrong and I continued to stand alone in my marriage until I couldn't anymore and left without saying many words other than "he is still with me". I somehow convinced myself that if I couldn't have him, I would much rather just be alone. I was questioning my faith on whether there are such things as true love and whether people would find each other again in heaven if they couldn't in this life?

But if you had a shot at trying again with 'your him', would you take it?

Would you risk being hurt again? The type of hurt where you find yourself screaming and crying on the floor until there is nothing left?

Would you risk your family life? Your comfort and your stability?

Would you risk hurting the people around you whether it is a husband, a daughter, a son or anyone else who shares your everyday life?

Would you be able to face the hurt in their eyes just for one more chance at holding him?

Would you believe him when he says he has never stopped loving you and that he too cannot move on despite everything that has happened?

Would you believe that life is giving you a second chance no matter how far apart you are and no matter how many fucking obstacles are in your way?

Would you?

I did and remember what I said about dying for one more kiss?

Well I did and I woke up without a maker hungry for blood.

Sookie