Behind Blue Eyes
This is a songfic based off the song "Behind Blue Eyes" sung by Limp Bizkit. I do not own any of the characters from Narnia. Only C. S. Lewis claims that right.
"Shut up!" You think you're dad, you're not!"
Those words echoed through Peter's head over and over again. He sat down next to the window, the game of hide-and-seek all forgotten. Peter watched the rain slide slowly down the windowpane. His head leans against the cold glass, the weather reflecting his mood.
"They have no idea what it's like," he thought, "What it's like to be the one in charge." His siblings just didn't understand. He promised their mom that he would look after them and all he's done is make a mess of things. All he wanted to do is make sure that they are all safe and protected. Now Edmund is off sulking somewhere, Susan looking for him, and Lucy was still in the room with the wardrobe, which she claimed held an entrance to a magical land.
They had no idea what it's like when he has to play the bad guy, to put them in their place. They don't know how terrible he feels when he sees their faces. He didn't know which expression was worse: Edmund's, whose faced showed nothing but anger and hatred; Susan's, which showed exasperation and annoyance; or Lucy's, which bore plain disappointment and sadness at his disbelief in "Narnia."
No one knows what's it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies
But they have to believe that his intentions were good, that he has dreams of them all being a family again, getting along, and hardly fighting. These dreams were the only things that were getting him these rough days of bickering.
It always seemed like he, Peter, was at war with at least one of his siblings, especially Edmund. It's like he never free from it. And yet, it seems like he's destined for something far bigger than he could ever imagine. Maybe, just maybe, this isn't all he was meant to be…
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
Peter marched back to Aslan's How, anger coursing throughout his entire body. "How can they possibly understand what I have been through?!" He had spent so many years of High King of Narnia and Aslan took that away from him! How was he supposed to react to that? How was he, Peter, supposed to live in a world where he was always talked down to, and was told that he was just a child? And now, when he and his siblings finally return, he has prove himself all over again. And he just took a giant step back in the eyes of his fellow Narnians.
The night raid had failed. Peter had to leave so many creatures behind to be slaughtered at the hands of Miraz's men. He was madder at himself than at anyone else, but took out his frustration on Caspian instead. All the anger, the pain, all the hurt that had built up inside of him for so long, finally came pouring out of his mouth.
At that point, Peter blamed Aslan for everything that has happened in the past year. He blamed him for returning him and his siblings back to their world unexpectedly, for all the fights he had been in, for making him wait so long to return to Narnia.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
Now his head is filled with the notion that he, his brother and sisters, will rule once again and everything will go back to the way it used to be. Deep down, Peter wanted nothing more than to get rid of the Telmarines and restore peace and harmony to Narnia. Deep down, he wants to believe the Aslan is really there with them, like Lucy. Deep down, he wants to get rid of all this anger inside of him, taking hold of his emotions and clouding his vision. But he doesn't know how…
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
"I know. You had it sorted."
Right then, Peter felt like he wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. Because the look he was getting from Edmund was too much to bear. It wasn't anger. It wasn't annoyance. It was sadness and disappointment he could see in Edmund's eyes. Those six words were ten times worse than him yelling at Peter.
Soon it was only him still in the room, staring up at the carving of Aslan, still gripping Rhindon in his hand. He started to back away, coming into contact with the Stone Table. Peter just plopped down on one of the steps and dropped his sword, never once tearing his gaze from the great lion.
"They can't possibly understand how I feel," he thought out loud, "They never will…" Then he stopped in mid-sentence. That wasn't right. Edmund knew what it was like to be entranced by the White Witch, to be under her spell, to be in her control…
He was fighting for the right reasons. At least he thought he was. As he continued to stare at Aslan's picture, he realized that he never was fighting for Narnia, or Aslan for that matter. He was fighting for the honor and glory; for himself.
At that very moment, Peter never felt so defeated in his entire life. Before, he thought that he was the only one being mistreated and disrespected. But now he grasped the fact that he had been mistreating and disrespecting the one who gave him everything he saw in the first place this entire time.
For the first time, he didn't know if he could find the words to apologize to Him. He wished he could take everything he said and did back. But he couldn't. Peter lowered his head into his hands, not sure of what to do.
No one knows what it's like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies
All of a sudden, a voice whispered in Peter's ear. "Peter," it said, "You have nothing to be sorry for. But you do need to know that I am with you wherever you go. Always." At the sound of these comforting words, Peter felt a sudden burst of strength from within him. It was feeling beyond description. He knew what he needed to do, and that was to rid Narnia of Miraz and fight for the one being that understood him more than he did himself…
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
Shortly after the battle, Peter was getting ready for the procession up to the castle. He just put his crown on his head when he heard a voice from behind him. "We do understand, you know." He spun around and saw his sister Lucy standing there, leaning in the doorway. "What do you mean?" he asked, not sure what she was talking about.
"We understand that you have a lot to put up with, being the oldest and looking after us all the time," she replied, "And we know we don't always make it easy for you. But, you don't have to shut yourself up in your room, thinking that we can't begin to comprehend with what you're going through. You don't have to go through this alone Peter. You have me, Edmund, and Susan."
Lucy walked up to him, brushing some golden locks of hair out of his eyes. Peter blinked back tears and managed to ask, "When did you get so smart Lu?" "Oh, just living with older siblings who taught me everything I know," she stated as she wrapped her arms around his midriff. Peter returned the gesture, embracing his sweet, valiant sister. He then lifted her up and twirled her around.
He then heard footsteps and looked up. He saw Edmund, Susan, and Caspian watching him and Lucy, with smiles on their faces. As he wrapped his arm around Lucy's shoulder and led her to the horses, Peter knew that his siblings really did understand him. They did know what it's like.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
THE END
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