Major angst and sensitive subject matter but completely McAbby. Song is Back Broke by The Swell Season; I highly recommend you go listen to it. It's one of the most beautiful and haunting songs I've heard in some time and I fell in love with it almost instantly. Reviews are always welcome, I love knowing what you guys think.
Nearer to Me
(Back broke and dancing, cause you're here beside me)
When he comes home and his face is pale, she knows.
As soon as he sits her down on the couch and takes both of her tiny hands in his, she can feel it.
But it isn't until he says it, voice barely coming above a strangled whisper that ends up getting stuck in his throat, that she really accepts it.
"Cancer Abby. They said it's cancer."
She doesn't even cry; not in front of him.
When the first wave of shock passes, she pulls her hands back into her lap and bites down on her black painted bottom lip.
"How long?" is all she says.
Tim's eyes screw shut against her voice and he sighs.
"I don't know. It's still pretty early, there's a chance I can beat it."
"But it isn't certain?"
He shakes his head and she wants to scream.
"No."
(Don't give me false hope)
After that all Abby does is nod, looks at the potted plant in the corner of their living room blankly. She hears Tim scoff at her silence and now she's too scared to look back.
"Is that all you have to say?" he's angry and he should be.
She wants to answer him but if she opens her mouth she will scream and cry, and she can't. Not in front of him.
Instead she stands up and her platform boots are thudding against the hardwood, a repetitive pattern that gets softer and softer until she's finally out the door and all he hears is the wood slamming.
And then he's alone.
(Back broke and happy, cause you're nearer to me)
Abby isn't sure how long he's gone but when she finally nudges the front door open all the lights are off and she knows Tim is asleep.
She smells like alcohol and sawdust and when she gets into bed he will know where she's been. Gibbs didn't say much, in the end it was almost like he knew and when Abby thinks about it she decides he probably already did. He was good at sensing things like this and most of the team already knew something was wrong with Tim.
They just never suspected anything like this.
She drank until she couldn't think but it failed to numb the constricting fear she felt tightening in her chest and only intensified the headache brewing in the front of her mind. Gibbs listens as she yells and cries, takes away the bottle when it's clear she's had too much and drives her home sometime around two.
He waits until she walks into the house before he drives away.
Abby takes her boots off by the door and lets her socked feet slide atop the wooded floors, reaching the bedroom quietly and pushing the door open as she sniffles. Tim's curled up in bed, her side still neatly made and waiting for her, because he knew she would be back.
She always comes back.
The all black ensemble she wore to work that day is traded in for one of his baggy MIT shirts that hits just above her pale thighs and smells exactly like him. She remembers the first time she wakes up in his bed he lets her wear it and cooks her breakfast before she has to go into work and finish some paper work she had hastily abandoned the night before.
The memory makes her smile; it feels strange on her lips.
She crawls into bed and presses herself against his back, burying her face in the crook of his neck and breathing softly, waiting for him to stir. It feels like a lifetime but he eventually does, sighing loudly in the dark.
"I'm sorry," she mumbles.
"I know."
She wraps an arm around his waist and feels him grip her fingers tightly.
"I'm really scared Timmy."
Another sigh, sadder than the first one.
"I know Abbs, me too."
She bites her bottom lip until she tastes blood and swallows another sob, tries to be strong because that's what he deserves. He deserves to not have her break down every time she thinks about it, someone who can make him smile even through the storm that was slowly approaching them. And even though she wasn't sure she could really give him all those things, she was going to try.
(I came on your command)
Tim's first round of chemo is less than a week after the news is broken and Abby can't stop pacing the waiting room floor, effectively driving him nuts.
"Abby," he says softly, sternly, "please sit down."
She complies with a shaky sigh, sinking down in the plastic chair next to his and reaches for his hand instinctively; tangling her fingers with his and watching a smile tug at his lips. They hear his name called just a few minutes later and she watches him let go of her hand before he disappears behind the door and follows the nurse down the hall.
And for the first time in a long time, Abby Sciuto prays.
(Back broke and smiling, cause it's clear you still want me)
The chemo quickly takes its toll and it's not long before Tim has to take time off of work. Some days he can barely get out of bed and there's not much Abby can get him to keep down. They spend countless mornings in the bathroom, her slender fingers rubbing his back as he hunches over the toilet and moans.
It takes everything she has not to cry sometimes, but she's making good on her promise.
The weeks pass by slowly, the treatments add up and soon Tim starts finding fistfuls of hair on his pillow, in the shower drain, almost everywhere. That's when Abby comes home and finds him in front of the bathroom mirror with the electric razor in his hands and a blank stare on his face.
"Timmy?" she quietly stands in the doorway, hands curving around the wooden frame with enough force to turn her knuckles white.
He doesn't say anything.
"Timmy," she tries again, "what's the matter?"
She takes a few steps and reaches out to touch his shoulder, feeling him lean into the touch and looking at her through the mirror. His normally bright eyes are dull and sunken, his skin greyish and nearly transparent. He was so skinny it almost hurt to look at him now.
He pulls her out of her stupor with a cold laugh as he looks at himself now, the patches of hair still left on his head.
"It's all going to fall out eventually…I figured why wait?" he shrugs his bony shoulders and flips the razor on, a low hum filling the room as he takes a deep breath.
Abby doesn't say anything as she watches him slowly drag it through the thin brown strands, watching them fall to the ground and leaving behind a bare strip just above his left ear. She watches him do it over and over until the exhaustion in his eyes is clear and she gently holds out her hand and smiles at him.
"Let me help you."
He doesn't smile back but he gives her the razor and closes his eyes.
She swallows hard and gently removes the rest of the hair, each bit that falls to the floor making her heart beat a little faster until there's none left and she turns it off, stepping back to look at her work.
Tim's eyes open then, his mouth set in a thin line.
"It's looks worse than I thought," he says with a tiny laugh and Abby can't help but laugh with him.
Then she wraps her arms around his slowly disappearing waist and kisses the top of his newly bald head softly.
"Well I think you look very handsome."
(Don't give me false hope)
She gets the call she's been dreading while on a lunch break with Ziva and Tony in the break room, her phone loudly chiming inside her purse. She takes one look at the caller ID and the color drains from her face as she answers and listens to the doctor on the other line telling her exactly what she's been expecting.
Her Caf Pow! is left untouched on the table and her platform boots loudly click against the ground as she rushes from the room with an equally concerned Tony and Ziva on her heels, who catch her at the elevator before she can get in.
Ziva grabs her arm and Abby struggles, sobbing and yelling until the older woman is able to calm her down and cups both tear stained cheeks, her voice soothingly quiet as she speaks.
"Abby you cannot go to the hospital by yourself, you are upset and in no condition to drive." She glances over at Tony who has an almost unreadable expression on his face; a mix of shock and fear.
"Tony will drive you and I will go and tell Gibbs what is happening."
When Tony still doesn't move or acknowledge anything that leaves Ziva's mouth she nudges him sharply with her elbow and his eyes flash over to Abby, reflecting the fear in his own. He mentally shakes himself, pulls his keys out of his pocket and follows Abby into the elevator as he watches Ziva sprint down the hallway and out of sight.
The drive feels like a lifetime and she yells for Tony to drive faster but he never does. He keeps a firm grip on the wheel and keeps quiet, pulling up at the curb and letting Abby jump out because he doesn't think he can handle seeing someone he was so close to this way and for once he's glad Gibbs isn't around.
(Back broke and crying cause it's near our parting)
He looks worse than she anticipates, barely audible breathing and the slow beep of the heart monitor ringing in her ears as she steps into the room and drops her things by the door. He's looking at her as she moves, smiling and reaching out with a shaky hand that she takes and holds tightly.
His body is frail, so much so that she's almost afraid to touch him but she ignores the nervous feeling in her stomach and cups his cheek, stroking the pale skin with her thumb and offering a watery smile. Hot tears trickle down her cheeks, clinging to the tip of her nose and falling onto his bed sheets. He ignores them, keeping his eyes on her the entire time.
"I was waiting for you," he says, voice hoarse and almost nonexistent.
This time she can't bite back her sob.
"Hey, hey…Abbs it's ok."
Tim pulls her down onto the bed, letting her curl up beside him and burying her face in his chest, her sobs becoming quieter and soon replaced by the occasional hiccup or sniffle. She feels his lips in her hair, his hand on her back, and for the second time in a long time she prays.
She wakes up to a dark room and the slow beep of a heart monitor, covered in a thin blanket while her head lies on Tim's chest. She can barely feel the rise and fall but she knows he's still here with her and she lets out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
Carefully pulling herself up she gasps when she sees Gibbs sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, smiling at her as she gets to her feet and reaches for the cup of coffee he's holding out for her. She sips it cautiously and pulls a face that makes him chuckle.
"How long have you been here?" she asks him, looking back at Tim out of habit and seeing his eyelids flutter gently.
Gibbs grunts and shifts in his chair.
"Few hours. Had to clear out Tony and Ziva so they could grab something to eat and head back to the office."
Abby nods even though she barely hears anything he says, fingers curling around her coffee cup that's slowly growing cold. She shakes her head and looks back at Gibbs with a look that's begging for answers she knows no one has.
"I just want him to get better Gibbs."
She hears him sigh beside her.
"I know Abbs, and he will."
This time she turns her head to look at him, brow furrowed tightly and her voice agitated.
"How do you know that?"
Gibbs shrugs because the answer is obvious, or at least it is to him.
"Cause, I didn't give him permission not to be."
He watches Abby shake her head and fight a smile, handing him her cup and walking back to Tim. She smoothes one hand over his forehead and bends down, planting a soft kiss on his temple before looking back at Gibbs with a fire in her eyes that he's never seen before.
Then she repeats the same words he's just told her, over and over again as if she's willing herself to believe.
"He's going to be ok."