1) Call him Vic.
2) Tell him that Marie is a girls' name.
3) Say "Less Miserables".
4) Make him watch the comic-relief gargoyle scenes from the Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame movie.
5) Mispronounce "Notre Dame".
6) Ask him what's living in his beard.
7) Make him read Valjean/Javert fanfiction.
8) Make him read Enjolras/anyone fanfiction.
9) Make him read Cosette/Éponine fanfiction.
10) Make him read stars/bread fanfiction.
11) Show him the kink meme.
12) Give him a list of reasons why Éponine is better than Cosette and deserved Marius more.
13) Tell him why Marius is awful.
14) Refer to his book as "the Brick".
15) Casually mention that you skipped the digressions in the Brick because "they were way too long and boring"/yawn loudly whenever a particular passage is mentioned.
16) Casually mention Charles Dickens and A Tale of Two Cities, with the words "first" and "better" and "less preachy".
17) Ask him if Les Misérables is set during the French Revolution.
18) Casually mention that a man who cheated on his wife for decades probably shouldn't be lecturing everyone else on the purity of love.
19) Ask him if he got any cool souvenirs at the Waterloo gift shop.
20) Casually mention "the Nazis" and "Germany" and "world war" and "France" and "Belgium" and "occupation" and "maybe your writing a book didn't make the twentieth century and less awful".
21) Claim to be a fan of his work, yet refuse to participate in political movements and actively participate in a system that degrades the poor and weak.
22) Casually mention the fact that John Brown was a fucking nutjob.
23) Ask him why Valjean wasn't smart enough to make up some lie so that neither he nor Champmathieu would have to go to prison.
24) Make jokes about Frollo's boner and the fireplace.
25) Show him this list.