AN: Just a little something that came to my mind (at work as always) and wouldn't go away. Thank you to SoWritten for pointing out my flaws and lending me her vocabulary. *LOL* And of course the amount of time she put down in the progress! Hopefully there will be no more distractions (I don't dare to promise though) so I can continue on Diving Deep.
Her breathing stops when she sees her and her throat goes dry. The cause of her insecurity and commitment issues is standing right before her. The same person who's responsible for her growing up too fast, the reason why she secretly hates her father and herself.
Her mother.
Andy knows she's been living in Toronto all these years. She also knows what she does for a living. Her mother's occupation makes her hate her even more.
Another thing that pisses her off is that she kept the McNally name, which she has no rights to any longer. But it's the only thing that connects them.
(First thing she did when she started working at 15th and got access to the computers was a background check on her mother. She'll never forget the feeling she got when she discovered the woman was still in town. After years of heartache she decided to believe her mother was dead. It' was easier. Easier than knowing that her mother left. Left her without taking a single look back at what she left behind.)
Their eyes meet for a second. It's that same second Andy starts breathing again, gasping for air as she imagines her mother smiling welcoming her with open arms. She wants to throw herself into those arms, into her mother's hold.
She's grateful for the memory that brings her back to reality. A broken memory.
Her mother sits down next to her on the bed, tucks a stray of hair behind her ear and lets her fingers brush down her tearstained cheek.
"What's the matter honey?"
Andy inhales a shaky breath, wipes her cheeks with the back of her palm and closes her eyes.
"I'm scared."
Her mother circles a comforting arm around her shoulders and pulls her up, close to her chest, fingers threading through her hair.
"What are you scared of?"
Her mother's voice is steady and protective and Andy inhales another shaky breath.
"You and dad always fight,"
The grip around her shoulders tightens and her mother's lips press a soft kiss to the top of her head.
"Don't worry about it. It will all be ok. I promise."
Her mother's voice is comforting, she trusts it. She gets up from the bad and takes a step back, Andy grabs a pleading hold on her wrist.
"Please don't leave mom, stay with me," Andy scoots over in bed, her mother gives her the same wide grin Andy herself flashes many times a day. Because when she's not scared, she's a happy kid. A very happy kid.
"I would never leave you," Her mother says as she lies down with her and threads her fingers through her hair till Andy is asleep. With a smile decorating her lips.
Her mother's eyes move away from her. That's when she realizes her mother doesn't recognize her. It hurts. It hurts more than the fact that she left. Thoughts of that her mother has completely forgotten about her come to mind. Andy looks up at the sky to prevent tears from falling down her face.
"McNally!" she flinches when she hears Oliver call her name. When she looks at her mother again she catches her wide eyes and slightly open mouthed stare. Her mother is in shock.
Oliver comes to stand next to her, looking her over.
"Are you ok?" his voice has a hint of worry in it.
Quickly she nods her head and fakes a smile. Oliver turns to greet the social worker and stops in his tracks, glances over his shoulder and gives Andy a look that makes her want to break down and cry. She tries to not give away her feelings by diverting her stare and starts doing her job. She clears the scene from nosy neighbors and lets Oliver do what she deep down wants to. Talk to her mother.
Never in a million years did she expect to work alongside her mother. Never had she thought she would see her again. Years ago she still had the hope of seeing her again. The hope of being reunited with her mother caused her to rebel; wear too much eye make-up and make out with the wrong guys.
As if her mother would return to set things straight if she'd just behave bad enough.
Hope gave up on her.
Story of her life.
The fact that her mother fixes broken families sounds ridiculous to her. How can she possibly be able to fix someone else's family when she can't even fix her own? Because she doesn't want to.
She throws a quick glance over her shoulder at them and catches her mother staring at her again. She can't read the look on her face. Maybe she could if she'd actually known her. But she doesn't, so she can't. She wrinkles her nose at the unwelcome thought that deep down she wants to.
When shift is finally over she sits quiet on the drive back to the station, she's grateful that Oliver doesn't ask or push eventhough she's uncharacteristically quit on their way back to the station.
She knows he's already drawn the conclusion. She also knows he's going to tell Sam.
It's the reason she skips the shower when they got back to the station. Sam hasn't returned from patrol yet, and they usually wait for each other. Just not today she decides. She takes her stuff and starts walking, hoping that she can leave today's events behind her way home.
Turns out; her hopes disappoint her. Like they always do.
In the safety of her own home, standing under the pouring hot water of her shower, she lets her tear fall. Tears she hasn't let go for years. Tears she promised herself she wouldn't let go ever again.
"Andy?" she stiffens when she hears him call out her name, the light thump of his feet hitting the floor giving away that he's coming closer.
"Hey," he says as he opens the door to the bathroom, she turns her back to face him.
She can tell by the tone in his voice that he knows. She can hear both the training officer and the boyfriend in it. He cares. She knows he does, but right now she really wishes he wouldn't.
"Heard you guys had a rough shift today."
She curses herself for setting herself up in an obvious trap, again her body stiffens when she hears the shower door open behind her. She wraps her arms around her as the cool air sneaks its way in. His arms cover hers and he pulls her close to his chest. He places a kiss behind her ear.
"How are you? Oliver told me."
Andy closes her eyes and she swallows heavily. She turns, with her head tipped to the floor, in his hold and hides her face in his neck.
He pulls back a little and looks at her, the worried look on his face causing his wrinkles to show. His eyes search for hers, for something. She knows what he's looking for, but she doesn't want to show it. She kisses him, to distract them both.
Hard and frantic.
His mouth moves along with hers, in a desperate attempt to keep up. She places her palms on his chest and pushes him back against the glass separation of the shower.
Her hopes of distracting him disappoint her. Again.
His hands come up to frame her face. He takes a moment to slow her kisses, pulls back from her as she tries to get her mouth back on his. He stops her.
"Andy, talk to me."
She takes a step away from him and drops her gaze, furrowed brows and arms wrapping herself for protection. She notices his feet taking a step closer to her. Again his arms circles her and pulls her into his embrace. She lets out a frustrated sigh against his neck.
"It was just a shock, okay? No big deal," she tries to pull away, but he tightens his hold on her and presses a kiss against her temple.
"You know it's okay if it is a big deal right?" his arms rub up and down her back in an attempt to soothe her. She feels new tears welling up in her eyes.
"It is a big deal," she whispers softly in the crook of his neck while her eyes blink away the tears, hoping that he doesn't hear her.
Again; her hopes turn on her.
"I know," he whispers back. The fact that he heard her perfectly well makes her swallow hard to dispel the sob rising in her throat. The next one and the next one after arealready queued up and her frantic gulps make her start coughing and spluttering.
She knows why he heard her, why he understood without a problem. And it's overwhelming.
The tears are not willing to be stopped so she lets them flood down her cheeks, in sync with the water. He pulls back, frames her face with his hands, leans in and places a soft, loving kiss on her lips.
"Shhh, it's okay," he brings her close to his chest again and holds her, "I won't let you get hurt again."
Andy knows he means it and she can't help the feeling that, in way, it bothers her. Part of her never wants to see her mother again. The other part is desperate to get to know her, to make up for the lost time and just have her in her life.
He steps back to grab the shampoo, only to be pulled back by her.
"Don't leave," she pleads.
She hears the loud swallow from his throat and feels his arms give her frame a light, comforting squeeze.
"Never," he whispers.
She feels safe in his arms. A feeling she recognizes. The same feeling she used to have in the safety of her mother's arms.
And it scares her.
Thanks for reading! :) Don't be shy to let me know your thoughts.