Chapter One:
The blackness of the precipice world pulled back before the three of them. They broke through the darkness and landed within Hueco Mundo. They set their feet down beyond the portal, ready for the battle of their lives.
They didn't find it.
"You know," said the black-clad, orange-haired Soul Reaper as he looked around at the tiled blue walls. "I kind of expected the land of an entire race of soul-eating monstrosities to be… uh…"
"Less neat?" suggested his massive, dark-skinned friend.
"Yeah Chad," said the Soul Reaper glancing down the long, unbroken hallways before them. He lowered his black cleaver. "That's it."
"Yes, it does seem strange that Aizen could construct all this. Especially given the nature of those who serve him." said the third member of their group. He was a bespectacled boy with white clothing, even as he examined the surrounding walls. "Stranger still, why would he want to. I suppose that a certain degree of civilization was-
"Uryu, we can discuss the sociopolitical matters of soul-eating monstrosities later." said the Soul Reaper beginning to walk down a hallways, even as the white-clad boy whirled on him.
"Now!" he said "We can't just rush in here, Ichigo! I was making an observation about our surroundings. One that is relevant to our situation!"
"Yeah, well here an observation about our surroundings." said Ichigo, bringing his cleaver up to his shoulder "Orihime isn't here. So let's go and look for her."
"Look, we should at least try to get an idea of where we are before- where are you going!" said Uryu as Chad started moving after Ichigo.
"Ichigo is right. We need to get moving," said Chad.
"Moving to where?! We don't know anything about this place!"
"And we won't find out anything unless we move forward," replied Ichigo as he glanced back. "now could you hurry up. I'd like to get this over with soon."
Uryu opened his mouth to reply, before stopping. "Fine, whatever." He stated in resignation before moving after them, his white cape trailing behind him.
In another place entirely, a bespectacled pink haired man observed the three intruders. "Interesting…" he murmured in a tenor voice. "It seems we have some uninvited guests." Behind him, a creature wearing a beak-like mask stood wreathed in shadow. It narrowed its eyes as it gazed at the screen.
"Then I shall open a channel to Lord Aizen, Lord Szayel." he said gravely. "These intruders will not get far."
"I suppose we could," said Szayel, turning his chair to face the creature. "but I feel like having a bit of fun, and we have just finished the trap system, after all."
"This is most irregular. Lord Aizen demanded reports on the state of this fortress, and any notable events and he shall-" And then Szayel stood and cut off its head off with one swift stroke of his blade. Blood spattered everywhere.
"Such a terrible waste…" said Szayel glancing down at the carpet which had been bloodied. "Ah well, I suppose it was worth it. Lord Aizen has an unfortunate tendency to steal the scene. Let's keep this our little secret, shall we?" he asked the body, though he obviously didn't expect, or receive an answer.
"Excellent!" said Szayel, turned his chair back to the computer screen and clapping his hands. "Now if only I had some popcorn." he mused to himself as he turned on the TV and checked his control panel.
Meanwhile in another, significantly larger dark room, a brown-haired man and his greatest student were watching a significantly larger television with amusement on a large white couch.
"Fascinating isn't it Lord Aizen, white-haired, fox-faced man with a smile most would find disturbing. "Do you think Szayel has any conception of just how outmatched he is?"
The brown-haired man glance over at Gin in amusement. "Against Kurosaki and his friends? Or against us?"
"Either." replied Gin with a shrug.
"I see, then the answer is no on both counts."
It was at this point that the door to the chamber opened and dark-skinned man entered, he wore white blinders and carried a red and white box. "Lord Aizen, I have brought the popcorn as you requested of me."
"Excellent, thank you Kaname. Please sit down."
"I would also like to respectfully request permission to execute Grimmjow Jaggerjack."
"Really Tosen?" said Gin in amusement as he looked over. "You make that request every time we're out of his presence. When are you going to stop making it?"
"Until I am given either authority to separate his head from his corpse, or asked to stop," replied Kaname Tosen stiffly, producing a manuscript. "to that end have compiled a list of Espada's and their Fraccion who believe that executing Grimmjow would be in our best interest."
Maybe, Kaname." said Aizen "For now, sit down and let us enjoy the show."
"I am not exaggerating when I say that every almost every single one of them has signed it." pressed Tosen, trying to make his case again "The only ones who has not is Starrk."
"Sit down, Kaname." said Aizen once more, and Tosen sighed before obeying and opening the box.
They had been walking for a few hours by Uryu's clock, and they had yet to see anything interesting. The hall moved on endlessly, with no breaks or branches, and they had quickly become disturbed by the lack of guards.
Occasionally they would run into a turn, or see what looked like a break, but invariably it would only go fifty feet or so before it ended and the had to return to the old way.
"So where do you think this place is Uryu?" asked Ichigo, trying to make conversation.
"Well, we don't have much to go on, but I think we're underground," Uryu replied.
"Oh yeah, what makes you say that."
"The lights." came Chad's deep voice and Ichigo looked over at him.
"What about the lights?" he said, glancing up at the dim blue gem-like things which illuminated the hallway.
"None of them are natural." explained Uryu "We haven't seen any windows so far, despite walking for a very long way. So it stands to reason that we're underground."
"My," came a mocking voice from seemingly everywhere and nowhere. "aren't you an astute one." Instantly Ichigo drew his sword, and Uryu reached out with one hand and summoned his bow. Behind them, Chad looked down the other end of the hallways, readying his fists.
"Who are you!" yelled Ichigo.
"Who I am is not important." replied the voice. "Well, actually it is. But you don't need to know who it is that is speaking to you. I really must thank you for so recklessly invading Hueco Mundo. It will be quite fascinating to have some more research subjects."
"Oh no, not again," muttered Uryu under his breath, prompting a look from Ichigo.
"What, have you fought this guy before?"
"Uh… are you listening." came the voice, only to be completely ignored.
"Not this guy," said Uryu, before pausing. "Although I suppose it's conceivable that he might have been a double agent…" he looked up. "Excuse me, mysterious voice person. Is your name Mayuri Kuroschutchi."
"Ah, you mean the head of research of development in Soul Society. I am not him, though confess a certain interest in his-"
"No, I haven't fought this guy before," said Uryu, turning back to Ichigo. "But I did fight and almost kill the guy I just mentioned. From what I've heard so far, this guy seems to be cut from the same cloth. Which is rather disturbing all things considered, but I-"
"Hey, I'm talking to you here!" said the voice, sounding angry. "Will you-"
Chad cut him off. "So what your saying is that this guy is a knockoff of someone you fought in Souls Society."
"Knock off!" shrieked the voice. "I am not a knockoff of a SOUL REAPER! Now pay attention to me! I will not be ignored!"
"Oh what are you going to do, whine us to death?" called Ichigo "You're not even in the same room as us."
"Do not underestimate me fool!" the voice cried. "You cannot possibly comprehend the-"
"Blah, blah, blah, your superior intellect and power, blah, blah, blah!" said Ichigo "If you've got something to say, then say it. Otherwise just shut up."
"You-"
"Oh whatever!" replied the orange haired Soul Reaper. "I heard the same speech from two Captains of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. Right before I kicked their asses! And I'm stronger than I was then, with two of my friends with me! So bring it on asshole!"
"Uh… Ichigo," said Uryu nervously, "I think that maybe you should stop talking before you get us all killed."
"Oh come on, Uryu! If this pansy ass effeminate bitch was really a threat, then why the hell is he talking to us on an intercom! He probably wears his hair long and pink, and wears ridiculous glasses."
There was a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch into eternity.
"Ichigo," began Uryu "if you had bothered to let me explain further about who Mayuri was you may have realized that...' He paused 'Well…"
"What?"
"It was nice knowing you."
"Ha" came the voice again, no longer sounding smug.
"Oh come on, what is he going to-" began Ichigo "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" laughed the voice "So you're wondering why I'm using an intercom, are you?" he asked, his voice varying in pitch at random. "You're wondering how I can be a threat from some remote control room, aren't you, soul reaper?!" A rumbling sound filled the air, sounding rather ominous. "LET ME SHOW THE THREAT I POSE YOU MISERABLE WORM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Run," said Chad, moments before the floor behind them began collapsing. They moved through the halls and the light above them starting dimming, then flashing. It was disorienting and made it hard to run.
"Run all you want!" cried the voice, laughing. "It doesn't matter! Within this realm! This fortress! I am a GOD!"
The sound of falling flagstones filled their ears for a few terrible moments. They rushed through turn after turn, looking for a way out. Soon enough, however, they began to outpace the falling bricks. The sound grew softer and softer behind them.
"Those who mock me pay the price! Face the crushing wrath of my irritation! Hahahaha!"
"Doesn't this guy ever shut up?" said Ichigo as they ran.
"Well you shouldn't have provoked him!" shot back Uryu, resisting the urge to blast Ichigo. The sudden appearance of a row of buzz saws in their path, moving back and forth at enormous speed helped with that.
"Uh oh," Uryu said.
The rumbling of a collapsing floor reached their ears.
"What do we do?" asked Ichigo "Try to leap over?"
"No. It's too far to jump," replied Uryu, forcing his mind into a state of calmness. He gazed over the spinning blades. His mind calculating their trajectory as they spun back and forth. "There is a specific timing we must use!" he said, taking charge of the situation.
"What? That's crazy!" said Ichigo, sounding like he meant it.
"It's our only chance!" replied Uryu, even as the rumbling grew ever louder. "Follow my moves exactly and-hey!" At that point Chad had moved forward and shoved him to one side. Summoning a black and red gauntlet to his fist he made a punching motion in the direction of the buzz saws.
A beam of pure white light shot forth, and burned right through them. It obliterated them and leaving only melted machinery.
"All right Chad!" said Ichigo, clapping his friend on the back.
"…My idea would have been better," muttered Uryu. Chad grabbed him, hoisted him over one shoulder and started running again.
"None may dispute me you fool!" cried the man "And those that dare try burn!"
They turned the corner to find a huge line of flame jets coming down from the from the ceiling with ceasing. The rumbling sound came nearer and nearer.
"Oh what's wrong?" said the voice in a mocking tone. "Are you afraid of being roasted alive? Or of falling into an endless abyss. One populated by creatures beyond your darkest nightmares?"
"Ichigo," began Uryu, pulling himself off of Chad. "I know I've said things to this effect many times in the past, but I want you to know from me that you're an idiot!"
"Oh come on, it's not over yet." said Ichigo. "We'll just wait for the flames to stop and run past."
"Yeah, that's not happening." said the voice, calmer but still with the edge of insanity. "There is enough fuel in these walls to last a lot longer than you will out here. And I've decided that killing you is a higher priority than relieving my boredom for a few hours. Priorities, you know."
"Slight problem with that theory," said Ichigo readying his cleaver. He channeled power around it. "fuel explodes." Everyone stared at him uncomprehending. "And you've got some kind of set up in these walls…"
"…What?" came the voice, in slow realization of whom he was dealing with.
"So all I have to is set it off!"
"What?" said Uryu "That's a terrible plan!"
"He's right!" yelled the voice in horror. "That fuel sources runs through half the castle! The resulting explosion could knock out the entire trap system."
"Works for me." said Ichigo summoning blue light to his sword. "Getsuga…"
"Stop you fool!" cried the voice desperate "The subsequent chain reaction could shatter the entire building! For the love of all that is science don't do-"
"TENSHO!" finished Ichigo before anyone could stop him. He sent a wave of black flame into the wall, which reached into the fuel tanks beyond and-
The explosion did not reach above the ground, but the shock resulting from it could be felt for miles.
Authors Note:
Welcome one and all to the beginning of my new fanfic. Assault on Los Noches. It's more or less going to be an alternate continuity. It diverges from when they first enter Hueco Mundo. Though there might be some retcons dealt for the purposes of the story.
You may have noticed that this beginning had many humorous elements to it, as well as a plot. This is intentional. Part of Bleach's charm was a tendency for madness induced humor, and it only got bad when the humor left it.
And don't worry, Ichigo, Uryu, and Chad won't get killed off that.
At this point, I am unsure where I will go with this, but it will probably get more serious as it goes on.
Hope you enjoy.