I know I'm fabulous. I've always been, and always will be, incredibly and unbelievably sexy. Just the other day, as I was walking down to Bubs's Concession Stand, everyone couldn't keep their eyes off of me. Not a big surprise. I get tons of women AND men swarming around my house every day trying to see me naked, and, let's just say, I don't disappoint.
As I was getting closer to the stand, I tried to control my glorious gloriousness so that Bubs didn't totally jizz everywhere once he saw me. When I got to the counter, I just saw his super large gluttonous maximus right up in my face. Nasty. Looks like he was bending over to get something from a bottom shelf.
Trying my best to keep from puking my guts out, I cleared my throat to get his attention. Then I told him, "Yo, Bubs! I thought I told you to NOT drop the soap!"
"I'm picking up a box of staples, you nitwit!" Bubs said because he was super pissed off. Then he stood back up and turned around to face my beautiful front side. "Why did you come here just to-" For some reason, he stopped talking and stared at me. Oh, wait. I already know. He's amazed by my wonderfulness.
It was almost annoying how everyone couldn't keep their eyes off of me. Can I not take a break from being admired? "Look, Bubs, I know I'm seriosuly turning you gay right now, but I need to restock on my Sblounskched candy bars. How many can I take off your hands for two dollars and a coupon for tampons?"
Bubs bent over again. But instead of picking up some fox of maples, it sounded like he was eating a giant chunky soup log. Or barfing. Either way, I didn't wanna see it.
"Uh. . . Bubs? You okay, man? I didn't actually mean that soap joke. Can I get my candy now?"
Bubs stood back up with a green-colored sick face. "You don't get any candy until you put on a shirt, man!"
"A shirt?" I asked, super surprised at the suggestion, "I can't wear shirts! How else am I supposed to show off my abs with no flab to girls named Abby?"
"Abby won't see no abs, instead she'll get flab!" said the stupid-head Bubs, "Have you seen yourself at all lately, Strong Bad?"
"Whatever could you possibly mean?"
"Look at you! You have a muffin top and man breasts!"
"WHATEVER COULD YOU POSSIBLY MEAN?!" I looked down, and, unfortunately, he was correct. My hips were hanging out of my pantaloons, and my pectorals were shaky and woman-like. It's pretty amazing that I just now noticed the drastic change of my body. "HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!" I yelled as I slightly fondled my newly-discovered chestlings.
"Oh, I don't know," Bubs said all sarcastic, "maybe it has something to do with those candy bars you eat all the time!"
I gasped all gaspy. "You can't possibly be referring to Sblounskched, the super tasty pants-shaped candy butt bar that I created, could you?!"
"I am, actually. Do you even know what's IN those things?"
"Not really! I just grabbed a bunch of crap from my house and the drugstore down the street and put it in the batter, and then I sent it over to the patent office to get it licensed! Now it's being sold to every store in Free Country USA and making me fat!" I cried in complete shame and agony, yet still playing with my own udders.
"Well, I could try and analyze- Stop playing with yourself, man!"
"Oh. Sorry." I stopped milking the cow, even though it was pretty hard to. I mean, I do the same to hundreds of girls every week, and it's pretty addicting.
"I could try and analyze the ingredients to see what exactly you put in that thing. But for now, you need something to cover yourself up."
"Cover myself?!" I couldn't believe my ears that I don't have! "I never wear shirts! It's against my religion! I'm a StrongBaptist!"
"Well, would you rather go around in public with those Dangly Deevers floppin' around for all to see and post online?"
There's NO WAY I could let anyone else see my horrible disgustingness, but there's NO WAY I'm wearing a shirt! "Isn't there something else I can do? I can't even get a shirt over my big head, man!"
"Well. . ." Bubs bent over yet again to get something from under the counter. "I do have this that might help you out." When he stood back up, he held up a lacey, pinky, frilly. . .
"A BRA?!" He held out a frickin' girl's thing to me and wanted me to wear it! Can you believe that crap?! " I am NOT WEARING THAT!"
"Fine. Go around looking like a fool. See if I care."
My eyes started getting watery, and my nose started getting sniffly. "YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER! AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!" Covering myself with my large boxing glove hands, I ran all the way home screaming and crying. I rammed into the door, breaking a huge me-shaped hole in it, and I ran up to my room.
I had calmed down a bit and wasn't crying as much as earlier. I was still stuffy and sniffly, though. I opened my bedroom door and sat down at my desk in front of my computer. Like always. Maybe a good sbemail could cheer me up.
Dear Strong Fat,
I thought you were a really ugly woman when I first saw you. Your tits are huge, dude. Don't you ever lift, bro? Go to the gym, fatass.
GTFO,
Steven, MS
hey strong bad,
no offense but you look like you weigh a gazillion pounds.
from
sandy davis TN
WTF STRONG BAD
OMFG UR SOOO FAT MAN GAWD WHY DO YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT
ANON MASSEY WA
t(o-ot)