Mother…..
Do you remember the way I used to call your name? Desperately, lovingly,…..painfully. But, even though I tried to reach out my arms. Even though I tried to stretch them as far as I could...to reach you….my effort was futile. Wasn't it? You had given up on this world long ago...right? Was it painful….was is painful to have given birth to a child like me? My birth made you suffer...and my existence made you cry. Sometimes….when you could no longer bear it….you would yell at me. You would cry…. and you would hit me. But I knew it was you...it was you who was suffering the most. Mother, ….I love you. I regretted being born….because I wanted you to smile. I wanted you to laugh. I wanted your happiness even more than I wanted your love. And yet...will your forgive me? The truth is….I wanted you to embrace me. I was jealous seeing the other kids whose mothers held them so tenderly. And I...I wanted you to do the same. I wanted you to whisper my name lovingly….say that you were glad that I was born. But I knew...I knew that you would never be able to gaze at me so tenderly. I knew that I could never have your love. Are you happy now? Mother…..I hope with all my heart that you have finally been able to smile. You won't have to see me anymore….you won't have to be reminded of him.
I know my leaving will bring you joy. I know that if I leave...maybe your heart will finally be mended. And yet...I feel a tightness in my chest. It's aching and I feel my heart shattering. I don't understand this feeling….I don't understand it at all. Why am I crying? Why are these regretful tears falling? How can I be sad...when I know that you will be so happy? Forgive me mother. The truth was, I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave you….even though you hated me. I loved you so much mother….I loved you so much I wanted to cry. It was painful...it was so painful knowing you could never love me. I never knew the warmth of your embrace...the tenderness of your voice calling my name. Why? I wonder why you named me after something so beautiful. The falling Sakura petals are something you look forward to every year. And I am jealous of them. I bear the same name….even the color of my hair matches their brilliance….and yet,... you have never looked at me the way you look at them. So why? Why did you name me Sakura?