Summary: When L's personality begins to drastically change along with his beliefs, Light takes it upon himself to figure out what L's been hiding. Sometimes, beliefs are forced to change. And Sometimes tragedy binds people. L/Light

Author: Darksinokaru

Pairing: Light/L

Rating: M

My very first Death Note fan fic! Please be gentle! OOC, probably. Since the situation is the way it is, but I tried my best! I still hope you enjoy though!

I Still believe

His body stumbled and pitched forward as his beaten figure tried to push quickly through the air. He fell hard against a wall, panting and groaning in pain. Raising his dark eyes he could see and hear the busy life of the citizens. Men, women and children walking down the crowded streets, wrapped up in their own lives.

How come no one seemed to notice? Surely there was at least one Good Samaritan that could have called the police. Or save him! Or was he… Ignored?

L sank down to the alley floor a few feet from the street and pulled his knees to his chest. His white was dirty with trash, mud, dirt and sweat, stretched and torn. His pants barely hung onto his bony hips, the zipper broken and button missing. A dark bruise was almost fully formed on his right cheek and his left eye. His bottom lip was split open and dried with blood; his knuckles were bloody and cut. L's hair was even more disheveled than normal, and his eyes were red and swollen with unshed tears.

What had happened? L couldn't seem to recollect. What had he been doing? Something related to the Kira case, no doubt. L knew he'd been attacked, the state he was in made that painfully clear, as well as a worrying burning, ripping pain in his rectum. L closed his eyes and shook his head; he couldn't think it. He couldn't! He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to try. He refused…

To think that he, the greatest detective in the world, would become a victim. He was supposed to save the victims, protect them, not become one of them.

It was such a humiliation. L didn't even want to be seen, to see anyone he knew… He wanted to hide, to curl into a ball and go back into his head as he often did as a small child.

No… This could not be! It couldn't! L's eyes grew wide and then he buried his head into his arms crossed over his knees. He didn't want to… How could he? Face anyone ever again? Light? What would he think? The detectives? Even Watari, what would his expression be? One of pity? Would they pity him?

L wasn't exactly sure how long he'd stayed in that spot, curled into a ball, but when he finally felt that he had the courage to once again raise his face to the world, it was getting dark. And he'd ignored a multitude of phone calls.

'Am I so weak? I'm I think pathetic? No. I'm not so weak as to not do anything. I will not sit back and watch the world pass me by.' L had seen enough of rape victims to know that too often they would shut themselves up and never tell a soul. Meanwhile the guilt, the fear, the anger, the pain, the blasphemy of what was done to them, would eat at them until they could no longer even live a real life. L would not become that.

Using the wall as a crutch, L rose to his feet, one shoe missing as he pulled out his scuffed up cell phone. L still couldn't recall what happened, but he did discover a really nasty bump on the side of his head that would account for the memory loss. L also knew that he'd struggled, fought back, and since his phone had been found under a dumpster, L could only guess that he had tried to use it.

Leaning against the wall and punching in the single dial L waited for an answer. The phone was answered in what L conceived as haste, and Watari's grave, worried voice gasped out. It was such a strange thing to hear Watari to fearful, so unkept.

"It's me… I need you to pick me up." No questions were asked as L relied his location by looking up at the buildings, his mind supplying the name of streets and numbers. He'd been down this road a few times and had already stored the information in the vastness of his mind. There was only one thing he could not remember, and that was this whole day…

He had been about to do something important… He knew it; he felt it in his gut. But what? L was afraid to try to remember, he was afraid of what happened to him. L knew not knowing would make things easier, but he still had to know what happened before… L swallowed thickly and his lips trembled at the mouthpiece of the phone in hesitation.

"Watari? I need a medical examination." L felt his insides shrivel up and grow cold, but he had to. He had to catch his culprit… He couldn't leave it at this; it couldn't be allowed to continue… When Watari asked that dreaded question, L gasped when he felt cold liquid trickle down his sullen cheeks. His said nothing else, just stood where he was, tears running down his face.

He had to face the facts. He was raped. He had become a victim.

If anything before hadn't been humiliating enough, the examination was worse. L now regretted ever telling any victim to be examined. How could they live with this? He didn't even remember and he couldn't stand it, how did they feel? L's muscles were tense and trembled with tension.

"Please relax sir." L gritted his teeth and tightened his fists. How utterly disgusting this was. Having to do this. How despicable he felt. How utterly abhorred he was with himself. L wanted to once again disappear. He wanted to crawl into some small, dark space and never again come out into the light of day. L almost had a mind to call of the examination and just go back to HQ.

Watari wrapped his old warm hands around L's shaking fist and L pulled his face away. Being in this position with someone sticking things up his rectum was such an utter disgust. He couldn't bear that Watari was there. But despite wanting Watari gone, he also didn't want to do this alone.

L… Was scared.

L was always struggling with himself. His goals, his beliefs, those had always been easy to hold onto, unshakable. But he himself as a human being was always difficult to understand. It was easier to just simplify things. Don't think about yourself. You are insignificant. You are unimportant. You are merely an instrument. What matters is justice, righteousness, being right. But depending on the crime and severity, his attacker would only get so many years, was that really justice? Was he really getting what he deserved? No… He deserved worse.

'He should suffer the same as his victims.' L thought bitterly when a quiet, calm rage suddenly started to build within his chest and heat his skin.

"All right. We're done." L was finally able to get up and stand appropriately, no longer having to expose himself. L quickly fixed his new pair of pants, his gaze lingering on his toes, unable to look up at the woman in shame. How disgusting that must have been for her.

"The tests will be back in a few weeks." For some reason, L felt a sudden trigger go off in his brain and his heart raced with adrenaline and he finally looked up at her.

"A few weeks? Do you realize how many more victims there could be?" The dark haired female doctor sighed.

"I'm sorry sir, we'll get these samples tested as soon as we can." L felt his anger boil. In other words, they weren't a priority. L jumped a little when he felt Watari step behind him and place both hands on his shoulders.

"Calm down Ryuuzaki." L looked back at Watari.

"If you'd like, we can give-"

"No." L's anger still hadn't dissipated, but at least he could control it. There was no point in getting angry at this woman. She was insignificant, just like he was in the big scheme of things.

"There are more important things than those samples." L felt an urge to bite his tongue off for saying it, but he knew it needed to be done. For now, he'd have to try and do things on his own, without any DNA. Besides, his attacker could have used a condom, making DNA unusable. With that thought L followed Watari out of the hospital room in complete silence. Watari was quiet like usual, but there was a disturbance about him.

"Watari. Could you have a few police officers collect the trash and canvas the area around where you picked me up. There might be evidence." Watari opened the door to the car for L when the two reached it.

"I've already sent out a notice." L nodded as he crawled into the car. Inside L grabbed his shirt and smelled it before pressing it to his chest. L never knew he'd be so glad for clean clothes. When L caught the culprit, he'd have to burn his old ones. He couldn't even stomach the thought that he'd sat and worn them for so long.

As the car drove down the street toward HQ L was met with the kind of talk he'd been afraid of.

"Why not rest when you get back to HQ?" Watari suggest and L felt his stomach roll in disgust at the sympathy.

"No. Resting will not aid in the capture of Kira." That's right. He was unimportant. He was insignificant. What was important was the capture of Kira. Kira had to be stopped.

"Very well." L could hear the disappointment in Watari's voice and ignored it. Yes, work. That would be best. He wouldn't have to think about it then…

But a part of him still knew… He had to remember what he had been doing. What had been so important.

'I want to believe that I can handle this, but can I? Am I really strong enough?'

Yeah… Something that I thought of. It's always Light getting raped so I thought I'd try and just change it around, just to be different. This is, of course, an Light/L fic. I'm curious what you guys think, so let me know! If this is liked I'll continue!