Author's Note: So, at about 5 in the morning while I was trying to sleep, this idea hit me and I simply couldn't put it off. I picked up my laptop and I just started writing. I'm not too happy with the direction that the 9th season is taking right now (but it's a really, really good way to keep me hooked so I'm definitely not complaining) so I decided to change it. My OTP is definitely Wincest and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to write that aspect of that into this fic. It's going to be a long road to that part of things but I will eventually get there. :) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this and review! Also, if anyone out there wants to volunteer to be my Beta Reader I'd love you forever.

BrokenHeartsShatteredDreams

Prologue

What do you do when the one person that has always put you first breaks? When you're the one that caused it? Sam Winchester has made his share of mistakes but the one that haunts him the most is the words that broke his big brother. No, Dean. I wouldn't. Four words. Two sentences. That's all it had taken for Dean to snap and the guilt that washes over Sam at the thought of it is enough to send him to his knees. After everything Dean gave up for him, everything Dean did for him...he shatters his brother over one mistake. The worst part? Sam had lied. When he'd said that he wouldn't have done the same thing for Dean...he had been lying through his teeth. He'd do anything for his big brother. Anything. Yet, he'd broken him.

He'll never forget the day he found him. They'd gotten into that argument the night before and Sam had said those words...those horrible words...and he'd walked away without a backwards glance. Maybe if he'd looked back he'd have noticed the light disappearing from his brother's eyes. Maybe he would have seen the single tear that dripped down his cheek or the way his lips silently formed his name. Sammy. But he didn't. He left the room and didn't even bother to say goodnight. And the next morning, when he came back...Dean hadn't moved. Not an inch. His eyes were open, staring at a spot on the wall. No matter what Sam did, he didn't respond. Not even his eyes. It was as if...as if his big brother's soul had died. That was impossible...right?

He thought it was Dean's way of getting back at him...at first. By the third day of no movement, Sam had realized that there was something really, really wrong with Dean. He didn't move...and according to Castiel he didn't sleep. He stayed in that chair, staring at that wall, holding that same glass in his right hand. It scares Sam. He was mad before. Madder than he'd ever been in his life. But now all he wants is his brother back. He wanted to hear Dean make a snide comment about his hair, to tease him about something stupid...he wanted his big brother. And the longer he goes without him the more he seems to forget.

They're turning down cases now, ignoring Abbadon and Crowley and the angels. Castiel has taken to checking in on them. He's busy with the other angels but he still finds time to check on Dean every day, to make sure Sam's eating and sleeping and taking care of himself. Sam thinks it's because of Dean...because that's what Dean would tell Cas to do...but Cas scoffs when he says that. He's doing it because he cares, he says, because he too is empty without Dean and he needs for Sam to be okay because he needs him too. And Sam understands.

They've taken to forcing Dean to eat. Cas has to do it because it makes Sam want to die. Cas does it faithfully, every night and Sam is grateful. They've just finished feeding him when Cas tells him his idea one night. It's been six months. Six months since Sam broke his brother. Six months and Dean hasn't made any change. Cas wants to try something. He wants to go inside Dean's mind. And Sam agrees. He agrees because he wants to know what happened. And Cas does it. Sinking down into a chair in front of Dean, he enters his best friend's mind and Sam watches his face. It lasts three hours. Three agonizingly long hours and with every hour he finds himself losing hope. Cas is pale when he opens his eyes again and Sam almost cries at the news.

"He's in there. It's so chaotic, though...I can't make any sense out of it."

"What is he like?"

"It's so dark inside...and he's screaming. All he's doing is screaming. Your name. Your name but I can hear you saying something. Over and over again you repeat it and he screams your name. I...I couldn't even see him. Just his voice."

He's shaking, staring at Dean with tears pooling in his eyes. Sam can picture it, what he just described. Dean's mind...dark, haunted by the memory that had broken him into a million pieces. And now Sam is shaking too, tears rolling down his face as he begs his brother to come back to him. It's no use, of course. He's begged before and it did no good. For a long moment, Castiel is silent and Sam fears he's done something horrible. Finally, he speaks.

"I don't even think he's aware of us. It's like he's retreated so far into himself that he doesn't even remember that we're here."

"How do we fix this? How do I fix this?" Sam begs, taking Dean's too-cold hand in his own.

Cas looks lost. "I don't know Sam. But we will find a way. We have to. Dean is counting on us."

Sam nods, not confident that it's possible but unwilling to believe that there's nothing to be done. It has to be possible. He can't do this without Dean. He's always been there for him. Even when Sam was just an annoying kid and he had girls he could be sleeping with. Dean has been a part of him...the both of you a part of each other for so long that it's not possible for you to live apart. If he's gone...then Sam will be too. He can't do this without him. Not ever. It's impossible.

"Please Dean. Come back. I can't do this without you buddy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please just come back to me." Sam whispers, tears flowing freely down his cheeks.

There's no reply and Sam feels like throwing something. He doesn't have enough energy to do any real throwing so he settles for clenching a fist. Softly, he says goodnight to Cas and retreats to Dean's room. He's been sleeping there lately. It smells like him and makes Sam feel safe. Like when they were kids and Sam would sleep with Dean when they were in the hotel alone together and he got scared. Sometimes, he'll go out to the Impala and put on one of Dean's old tapes and let himself believe that they're out on the road together. He can almost hear Dean singing along, drumming on the steering wheel. Tonight, though, he just goes to the bedroom. He wants to sleep...he's exhausted but the guilt keeps him awake. His arms are itching and he can't stop himself from raising his sleeve and pressing the skin there to his mouth. Biting down, he lets the pain in his chest replace itself with the pain in his arm.

He's been doing that for the past four months. Biting himself...its not something he could ever have done before but it's the only way he gets through the days without his brother now. It's the only way he can look at Dean day in and day out with losing his mind. He makes a few marks on his arm before laying back across the bed. It takes him four hours to fall asleep this time but when he finally does, he dreams of Dean. Tomorrow...tomorrow the cycle will continue but for now he'll deal with dreams of the brother he needs more than he needs his own life.