This is it. The big day.
This is the day that i've been waiting for. It is the day that I will finally get to hit Jacob with a base ball bat
Because I'm a stupid desperate girl named Bella who doesn't appreciate Jacob's awesomeness.
pssh ya right and i have multiple personality disorder and so sometimes i like jacob (when i'm being stupid) and sometimes I luuuuv Edward (i only ever liked Jacob cuz of his bod)
And because he's funny and daring and Native American and cool and A WEREWOLF!
Except vampires are better. Anyway, moving on!! I suppose you're wondering why I'm going to hit him with a base ball bat.
It's because he was making fun of me. You see, instead of fingers on my hand, I have toes instead.
Yes it's true! I plucked off my fingers and toes and switched them around! Then, I ate my left arm cuz i REALLY hate wearing that stupid ring (even though I luv Eddiepoo and want to have FUN with him)
But I heard from my evil twin, Count Olaf, that Edward is cheating on me with Bill.
Wait! I don't know who Bill is! Edward, don't leave me! We haven't even tried yet! (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
"I'm sorry Bella" he said, picking his nose. "But Billy is more of a man. And I need that in my life."
"NO EDDIE!! I CAN'T BEAR IT!! WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO NEVER LEAVING ME?"
"Oh I followed it into a drak alley, cornered it behind some dumpsters, then beat it to a pulp. The I grabbed a frying pan and beat it unconscious. The I tied bricks to it's feet and rented a boat. Then I went to shark infested waters of the deepest depths of the ocean and dropped it overboard."
"Wait-- Edward, what the hell are you talking about? HOLD UP, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR VIRGINITY?"
But it was too late. Edward jumped onto Billy's wheelchair and they rode off together, leaving me behind.
"NO!!" I howled to the sky. Just then, I noticed something standing behind me-- Mike Newton. I ran to him and started making out with his left earlobe
Then he said. "Watch ya doin foo? Get out from my gril gold digga! Watcha tryin ta do, pop my shizzle?!"
"WTF, Mike? Are you trying to be a Wangsta? Well, we should give you a Wangsta-name, like Mike-n-ike!!"
Then he took me into his arms and looked me in the eyes. "Sarah..." he whispered, his eyes watering.
"Whoa, homie? Who the fudgems is Sarah?" I cried. "Nobody loves me and I'm going to be a spinster