The Island

Tonight, October 31, 2004, the TAPS team is visiting a very special place that is NOT the Stanley Hotel. Grant, Jason, Steve, Brian, Tango, and Dustin, are taking a trip to an island. Not just any island, though. This island is LOST.

They arrived at the island via a freighter, driven by a captain with a cool accent, but he didn't govern the ship. That was some jerk by the name of Keamy. On the trip over, Steve had tried to strike up a conversation with Keamy (who, at first, had no first name), but all Keamy gave him as a response was, "Grunt, grunt, don't believe in ghosts, grunt, kill, growl, go talk to Miles," and other things that would be bleeped in a television show. Steve had retreated and tried not to look at the water. Nobody ever said that he had a fear of boats because he didn't. And when Benjamin Linus had phoned up and said that he knew the location of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815, Steve had been keen to steer clear of this case, although Donna had said that it proved promising. A mysterious cabin and a woody haunt (something that really terrified poor, not-so-tough Steve), what more could Grant and Jason ask for? Steve remained adamant that they could swim to the island, so long as they didn't have to fly.

Brian had struck up conversation with a British woman named Naomi Dorrit, but she soon left to fly a helicopter to the island; Naomi had a mission of her own.

Dustin and Tango were tangling with George Minkowski, the communications officer, trying to see all his special gadgets and answering the phone. George soon kicked them out when they answered the phone to a woman named Penelope Widmore. They weren't supposed to answer her calls, apparently.

And as for Jason and Grant, they were working on their tans. Yep, they were productive. Of course, the audience doesn't exactly wish to see Jason Whateverhislastnameis without his shirt on, so we'll just pretend that they were below deck talking to the captain.



Finally, they arrived at the island and were greeted by two men: a great white hunter, John Locke, and a wimpy looking man with Harry Potter glasses (as Brian so wittingly stated in an aside), who was Benjamin Linus. They were their tour guides, so to speak.

The team began to set up their supplies while Grant and Jason were given a tour of the island haunts.

"This is a big island," Ben pointed out, "and it's impossible to discover all its secrets; after all, I've lived here my whole life, and even I don't know all there is to know."

"Where's the most activity been?" Grant asked, giving Ben a funny look. Ben did, after all, strike him as, well, odd.

"Follow me," Ben said, before turning and walking into the woods. "In these woods, at night," Ben continued, "and, most often, in the pouring rain, people who are special will often spot people that cannot possibly be there show up. I've seen someone, John's had insightful dreams about people and events that he's never encountered, and many people are haunted by a pillar of black smoke."

"What does this pillar of black smoke do?" Jason asked, exchanging looks with Grant.

"Mmm, stuff," Ben said mysteriously.

"It kills people, dude," a voice said. Jason and Grant whirled around to face a fat man with curly hair.

"Hugo," John sighed, rolling his eyes. "Hugo is right, to a point," John told the now wary TAPS founders, "so, if you hear trees crashing or other unnatural noises, get yourselves to the banyan trees," John gestured to said trees.

"Where to next?" Jason asked, all professional.

Locke and Ben exchanged looks. Neither were happy about revealing Jacob's cabin to anybody, but it had to be done. "Follow me," Ben said in a creepy voice that only Michael Emerson could pull off.

They followed Ben, Locke, and now this random Hugo character to a rickety cabin in the middle of nowhere.

"What happens in there?" Jason asked.

Ben and John exchanged looks. "Jacob happens," Locke said.

Ben's walkie-talkie screeched out, and Jason and Grant jumped. They hadn't realized that he carried one.

"What is it?" he asked.

The voice of a frantic girl rang out. "Dad, what have you done with Karl?!"

Ben sighed. "Alex, not right now. I'm busy," he turned off the walkie, and that was that.



Ben and John retreated to their homes, and Jason and Grant addressed their team. "The places with the most activity happen to be the jungle, where they spot apparitions and a pillar of black smoke, and at a cabin with some guy named Jacob," Grant told his team. "So, let's get to work."

When night fell, they split up. Dustin and Tango were going to investigate the jungle while Brian and Steve went to the cabin in the middle of nowhere. Jason and Grant would, as always, sit, stare at the computers (no, I don't know how they got them working on the island), and make random comments.

The Jungle

"So, what happens here?" Tango asked Dustin as they got to work.

"They see dead people," Dustin replied seriously. They fell quiet as they pondered on who to ask for. Ben and Locke had never told them who to ask for. Apparently, they were personal matters. Dustin came out with the first question. "Are you here…black…smoke….thing?" he asked hesitantly. No reply. Typical.

Tango held up a hand to stop Dustin. "Do you hear that?" Both were silent, and they heard the sound of knocking. Eagerly (perhaps stupidly), they followed it, and came across a man in a work suit, chopping away at a tree. Dang, just a crazy man. Not a ghost.

They man felled his tree, wiped his face, and turned to them. "Hello, there. I'm Horace."

"Hello, Horace," Dustin began hesitantly. "Why are you chopping a tree…in the middle of the night?"

"Building a little getaway for me and the missus," he told them, and he went to chop a familiar-looking tree.

"Why are you building it at night? Can't it wait?" Tango asked.

Horace laughed. "Not making much sense, am I?" he asked.

Both TAPS members shook their heads. "That's because I've been dead for twelve years," and that's when they noticed that the tree didn't just look familiar – it was the same tree.

"Hello, there," Horace began again. "I'm Horace."

"Did you get that on camera?" Tango whispered.

Dustin moved to playback the camera he was holding, when he suddenly realized something. "Battery's dead," Both men groaned, knowing who was responsible for this mess-up.

"Brian!"

Jacob's Cabin

Steve and Brian were sitting in chairs in the darkened cabin, bored out of their minds. "Jacob?" Steve called. "Can you give us a sign of your presence?"



No answer. Typical. "Why couldn't we have chosen the jungle?" Brian asked bitterly.

Steve gave him a you've got to be kidding me look and said nothing. Brian sighed. He'd much rather be on the phone, but he had no service, something that had made Steve gleeful. Now, maybe they'd actually get some work done. Brian picked up a flashlight and turned it on, waving it around the cabin.

Things went mad. Chairs creaked, lights flashed, wind blew, and a fire started. What was more, a voice spoke: "Help me."

Brian's response was predictable. "Dude, run!" And run he did. Between this scary happening and the trees, Steve figured that he was safe where he was.

The Beach

Grant and Jason were listening to several stories at once. Dustin and Tango were telling them about how they had failed to capture the interactive, residual haunt because of Brian, and Brian was telling them how the cabin just went mad!

So, they switched teams. Grant and Jason went off to investigate the jungle with a working camera, Brian and Tango stayed to watch the computers, and Dustin made his way to Jacob's cabin.

The Jungle

Grant and Jason's experience in the jungle was short-lived. They had been walking, gossiping, once again, about how Steve was great and Brian sucked, when they heard a noise. An unnatural noise. And trees crashed. They turned around and saw the infamous pillar of black smoke.

They had a choice to make: run, or capture it on camera before it vanished. They chose the latter. Until it took hold of the equipment they carried and demolished it. Then, they ran for their lives. As Jason later said, "Me and Grant are out of shape."

"In here," a manly voice said from the location of the banyan trees. They wasted no time in squeezing in (with some difficulty; Roto Rooters didn't involve running for their lives).

It was Locke. "I bet you didn't get permission from Jack to be out here."

"Who's Jack?" Grant panted as the smoke monster pounded through the jungle.

"Oh, you're not Elliot," John said, somewhat confused.

"I'm Elliot…behind you," a somewhat muffled voice said.

"Hello, I'm Jason from TAPS," Jason introduced himself. "Have you seen much around this place as of yet?"

"I've seen a woman named Lisa, but that's all," Elliot said, before going oddly silent. He spoke again after several tense minutes, "Oh, my God, I sacrificed her for a photo."



"Right," Grant said, marking Elliot under 'crazy,' "is it safe to leave?" he asked John, who shrugged.

"I think it's time we packed up anyway," Jason shrugged.

They gathered their team and all their items. The analysis was performed in a 'station' Ben called it. They were overlooked by a Russian named Mikhail, although Ben called him Meekhail. After hours, Ben came to see how they were coming along, and they were surprised by his shout from outside.

"Meekhail! It's Ben! I am approaching the house! Please don't shoot me," and for the first time, Grant and Jason noticed that Mikhail had approximately one thousand guns and knives. Ben entered without knocking (he did that a lot).

"What have you found?" he asked, completely ignoring Mikhail. It was all good, though, because Mikhail was ignoring them. He was alternating between making iced tea and reading his Russian to English dictionary. He was looking up the word that would properly define the TAPS crew.

"So, you know what we did-" Jason began, but-

"We listened to your stories and set up in the places of high activity," Ben cut him off.

Grant and Jason looked at him. "I've seen this show before. You always say that," Ben said by way of explanation.

"Well, we've all had a lot of personal experiences. Two of our investigators came across a residual haunt named Horace-" Ben's face stiffened at that- "and Jason and I were chased around by a pillar of black smoke. However," he continued regretfully, "due to technical difficulties, we were unable to gain any footage or EVP's. The only proof we have is from the cabin, where Brian and Steve encountered a mysterious force that ended up starting a fire. Shortly thereafter, two people named Christian and Claire kicked them out."

Ben nodded. "So, what do you think of the island?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.

"I think it's haunted," Jason said.

"As do I," Grant agreed.

"Well, thank you very much," Ben said, "may destiny guide you well. Although, I'd be careful – Destiny's a fickle bitch, you know," he held out a candy bar, "Apollo bar?"

The Freighter

"I think that went well," Jason said as they worked on their tans again.

"Me, too. Although, the whole group of people was kind of odd. And I didn't see a plane, did you?" Grant asked.

Jason shook his head.



Keamy passed them, muttering to himself. "Torch the island, torch the island. Kill the doctor because he's stupid. Need Frank. Captain doesn't have a name. Kevin Johnson is stupid. Naomi is hot. I need her number. Miles is a wannabe ghost hunter. Must kill soon, I'm losing my mind."